Please cheer me up! I need to see and hear funny stuff now!

[Minimus]

I am sitting alone still in shock that he actually moved out. He actually did it! A few of his last words to me were something to the effect of "If we end up working things out and get back to together, you have to realize all the things you need to change"

I wanted to say "oh, go f**k yourself", but wimpy me just hid in my bedroom as he finished loading is stuff and left.

So once again I turn to DU, but this time my request is for humor. I need some quickly before I continue falling into this black hole that seems to want to consume me.

Help me fight it, help me laugh....

[proud2BlibKansan]

1. how's this?

[Minimus]

14. oh so true!

:)

[JimmyJazz]

2. This always brings a smile to my face - but I'm kinda evil....

btw - :hug:

PS - I think you really shoulda gone with "go, fuck yourself"

[Minimus]

16. I saw that pic somewhere before. What a great joke to play on someone.

Is it real?

Your last line:
PS - I think you really shoulda gone with "go, fuck yourself"

So true, but I'm sure there will be more opportunites for me to say it. ;-)

[JimmyJazz]

25. I think that it is real.

I'm sorry that you'll have more opportunities, but we are here for you to give whatever support we can.

[no name no slogan]

3. If you hate HUMMERs, ....

go visit www.fuh2.com. Sure, it's a little juvenile, but it is funny.

[Minimus]

18. That is an amusing page. I really hate that one commercial where

the kid builds a "go cart" for the race - First one down the hill wins. He builds a hummer like vehicle and CHEATS by going down the side of the hill.

That commercial shows typical repub attitude.:o

[Sannum]

4. I'm so sorry.

I am sending you a big :hug:

This always makes me laugh...


Also, take a look at http://www.internationalmale.com. They are having a sale!:7
Check it out! Ass Padding!:)

[LeftCoast]

6. Doh! We posted the same pic...

Now I'll have to go find another! :)

[Minimus]

21. The "Moran" guy is classic. And living in NC I am surrounded

by that type.x(

Now the other pic is nice but ass padding? The rest of his body doesn't look like he would need padding.:9

[LeftCoast]

23. If he used steroids to get that bod, he could probably use some padding

up front. :evilgrin:

[Bronco69]

30. mmmmmmmmmmm Ass Padding!

What a concept! :-)

[LeftCoast]

5. This one never fails to make me laugh

Edited to post new image

[Minimus]

22. hee hee. Spock is mixin it!

:D

[koneko]

7. Here's one of my fave jokes

Let me say first, that you're strong & you will get through this!!!

And now, on to the joke. . .

A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:

"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."

[Minimus]

24. Good one! I will be telling it next week.

:7

[Solly Mack]

8. For your amusement

Mary Poppins moved
It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.


Frog goes for a loan
A frog went to get a loan at a bank.

The loan officer's name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.

He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said "this is what I have for colateral".

She took it to the bank president and said "there's a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel)".

She said "do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan"? The bank president said "why, that's a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan".

Life of cows and bulls
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

[Minimus]

26. heehee. Cute jokes.

My humor swings that way.

One of my favs:

Horse walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. Bartender says "Why the long face?"

:7

[miss_kitty]

9. Here's a link to a song Eric Idle wrote

http://www.pythonline.com/plugs/idle/index.shtml

"Here's a little number I wrote the other day while out duck hunting with a judge.


Fuck you very much the FCC
Fuck you very much for fining me
Five thousand bucks a fuck
So I'm really out of luck
That's more than Heidi Fleiss was charging me

So fuck you very much the FCC
for proving that free speech just isn't free
Clear Channel's a dear channel
So Howard Stern must go
Attorney General Ashcroft doesn't like strong words and so
He's charging twice as much as all the drugs for Rush Limbaugh
So fuck you all so very much

So fuck you very much, Dear Mr. Bush
For heroically sitting on your tush
For Halliburton, Enron, all the companies who fail
Let's send them a clear signal and stick Martha straight in jail
She's an uppity rich bitch
and at least she isn't male
So fuck you all so very much

So fuck you dickhead Mr. Cheney too
Fuck you and fuck everything you do
Your pacemaker must be a fake
You haven't got a heart
As far as I'm concerned you're just a pasty-faced old fart
And as for Condoleeza she's an intellectual tart
So fuck you all so very much

So fuck you very much, the EPA
For giving all Alaska's oil away
It really is a bummer
When I can't fill my hummer
The ozone's a nogozone now that Arnold's here to say:
"The nuclear winter games are going to take place in LA"
So fuck you all so very much

So what the planet fails
Let's save the great white males
And fuck you all so very much"

I laughed! :7 I hope you do too, Minimus.

[Minimus]

29. Eric Idle is the 6th nicest you know. Thanks for the laugh

:*

[JimmyJazz]

10. And another of my favorites: The Freeper Family Portrait:

[no name no slogan]

13. I hope this family had CPS called on them

That hairdo definately qualifies as child abuse in at least 44 states.

[Minimus]

28. OMG - LOL

They definitely havs some big hair

You just reminded me of the website mullets.com

I will have to see if it still exists - there are always laughs to be found there!:crazy:

[iconoclastic cat]

11. One of my favs:

http://innovadb.upc.es/retros/mintus/tda1/Image%20Gallery/TDA1%20Image%20Gallery%20One/

As for your plight, I have been reading your threads on this whole mess, and I have to say that you are better off. If I acted half as psycho and narcissistic as your little friend, Mrs. IconCat would've had me in a landfill long ago.

Here's a suggestion: Whenever some wanker pisses on my oatmeal, I turn around and do something really selfless for someone else. I have gone as far as spending a weekend volunteering at the local no-kill animal shelter just to get the stink of some unpleasantness off of my consciousness.

Also, buy a voodoo doll.

On edit: Here's a better one:
http://www.slypussproductions.com/breakup.html



http://www.voodoovelvet.com/plain/doll.htm

[Minimus]

31. Some of the pictures on that site - O M G.

Many made me laugh, a few scared me. The hairy butt - heehee
:P

[RoBear]

12. It seems there were these three surgeons

who got into a pissing match about who was greatest. The first one said, "I had a patient who lost four fingers, and I reattached them. A year later the patient won the Tschaikovsky Competition in Moscow."

"That's nothing," said the second. "I attended a man who was in a bad car accident and lost a leg. Six months later, he won a marathon."

"Well," the third remarked, "I had a patient who was high on cocaine and got onto a horse and ran right into a moving train. All I had to work with was a cowboy hat and an asshole, and today that man is president of the United States!"

[Minimus]

32. LOL - another I will be telling next week.

thanks!:thumbsup:

[cags]

15. I'm still laughing

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x2321558

[Minimus]

34. LMAO!

Why is it so funny to see people fall?

I'm still chuckling too!:evilgrin:

[iconoclastic cat]

17. Jesus is coming!

[Minimus]

36. WWJD?

he would say quit bogartin' that bong!:smoke:

One a side note, when I first moved down here to NC it was when the whole WWJD thing was really big. I saw it everywhere and thought it was the call letters of a radio station or something. Finally someone explained what it meant and acted as if I were some type of liberal democrat heathen cause I did not know.

[iconoclastic cat]

40. Yeah, your reaction is not uncommon.

When Mrs. IconCat was in college, some guy in her dorm had a "WWJD?" t-shirt. When she asked him what that meant, he told her--and she laughed in his face. He slunk away, and she felt awful for weeks.

[Cuban_Liberal]

19. Here ya go:

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor.
Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

:P

PS- you shoulda gone with "oh, go f**k yourself!"

:hug:

[Minimus]

38. teeheehee

and :hug: back at ya!

[iconoclastic cat]

20. Hey, Minimus's dildo-ex!

[Minimus]

39. Now that's the JC I would like to see at my door!

:yourock:

[Longgrain]

27. I got a huge laugh out of this one...

study the following picture...



A starving artist is hidden somewhere in this picture..see if you can find him...

Aw, forget it...;)

[Minimus]

42. okay, please 'splain. I hate to think something has gone over my

head.:think:

If those are your works. They are nice.

[Longgrain]

46. Sorry it was an old train wreak that got out of hand...

Here's the link...minus pictures...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=2196974

Here's the solution...



and yes that's me among my art work...

I was just teasing people...I guess I was the only one who thought it was funny...:)

[alarimer]

33. Here's a lame joke I heard last night

This guy goes to the doctors office with a pea up eat nostil, a carrot in one ear and a stick of celery in the othere.

He asks the doctore "Doc, what you think is wrong with me?"

Doc says, "Hell if I know but it looks like you're not eating right!"

(I know that was pretty bad).

[Minimus]

41. I actually chuckled out loud. Those kinds of jokes remind me

of my youth. Rememer the bazooka joe funnies from bubble gum?:silly:

[charlyvi]

35. Here's something funny.....

Just might sum up your mood, too. (by the way, you'll be better off without the bastard).....


http://www.thispagecannotbedisplayed.com/f-ck.html

[Minimus]

45. That is great! I have put that page in my favs.

B-)

[hickman1937]

37. This song got me thru the break-up from Hell

3. LOVIN', TOUCHIN', SQUEEZIN'
(Perry)


You make me weep and wanna die
Just when you said we'd try


Lovin', touchin', squeezin' each other
When I'm alone all by myself
You're out with someone else
Lovin', touchin', squeezin' each other


You're tearin' me apart
Every day, every day
You're tearin' me apart
Oh what can I say?
You're tearin' me apart


It won't be long, yes till you're alone
When your lover, oh, he hasn't come home
Cause he's lovin' oo, he's touchin',
He's squeezin' another


He's tearin' you apart
Every day, every day
He's tearin' you apart
Oh girl what can you say?
Cause he's lovin', touchin' another
Now it's your turn, girl to cry
Na na na na na na
Na na na na na
Na na na na na na
Na na na na na

Just trade the He's and She's like I did. BTW, his leaving was so abrupt, chances are he'll be back, but unrepentant. Don't fall for it, and change the locks now.

[Minimus]

47. Wow! I just had a flashback flashback flashback!

:yourock:

I have been thinking about the lock thing but I don't know legally what I can do. I told him he could not just come and go as he pleases, and he would have to call before coming over.

I guess it is time to bring out the lawyers. I hate to think about it.
But I have to protect myself, I have learned that from past experiences.

[bigwillq]

43. Fuck him.

He doesn't deserve you.:hi:

[Minimus]

48. Well hopefully my counselor will help me get to the point

where I feel that. Right now I'm saddled with guilt because he has been piling it on.

But hey, I've been through worse shit, so I guess I still have more shit to get through.

:hi:

[bigwillq]

51. Just take one day at a time

I always hated that advice but it is true. Take baby steps in the road to recovery. Set short term goals that can eventually lead to long term goals.

You'll get through it.:hi:

[hickman1937]

44. And one for the fundies

Reverend

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to
weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Well if you're that far into the game, you may as well finish!"

[Minimus]

50. LOL!

That was a laugh out louder for sure. Another I will be telling next week.

Pastor Fuzz would be a good screen name.

Thanks:7

[HuskiesHowls]

49. Here's a link you can follow to some good stuff

Beware, though, cause you'll wind up spending a LOT of time there:)
http://www.jibjab.com/xmas/index.asp

PS...I agree...you shoulda told him.

edited to add link (duhhhh)

[Minimus]

52. thanks. another fun page I had forgotten about.

I need to catch up on all the videos.
:7

[Pepperbelly]

53. You could've just said, "how nice!"

Like when the Memphis Belle and the Georgia belle were talking and the Georgia belle, always a little snooty, took it on herself to tell Memphis belle all about Georgia belle's husband's generosity.

"He is so generous," Georgia belle said, "that when I gave him our first child, he bought me a Bently."

Suitably impressed, Memphis belle said, "How nice." She sounded so sincere.


"And when I gave him our second child, he bought me a new mansion"

Once again, Memphis belle, suitably impressed said, "How nice!"

Encouraged, Georgia belle continued: "And when I presented him with our third child, he bought me aw yacht."

"How nice!" Memphis belle was impressed yet again.

Realizing how much she had been dominating the conversation, Georgia belle said, "I know that your husband is generous to a fault as well. What did he do for you when you gave him children?"

"When I gave him our first child," Memphis belle said, "he sent me to finishing school."

Georgia belle did a double take. "Finishing school! What on earth did you learn there?"

"I learned when someone is is desperate need of a loud "FUCK YOU,", a lady says, "How nice!"

:evilgrin:

[Minimus]

55. How nice.

heehee. Everytime I want to so FU I will think "How Nice" and have a nice little inside laugh.

Thanks!:hi:

[Pepperbelly]

56. Hey! What'd I do to you? How nice back to you!

:D

[hickman1937]

54. This one works for the U.P. too.

American Divorce

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?

[OhioBlue]

57. Before the '04 election

Resident Bush* visited a classroom of 3rd graders. After his speech, he asked if the children had any questions. Billy raised his hand. He said yes, I have 3 questions....
1. Why did we invated Iraq if they posed no threat to the United States?
2. What happened to budget surplus that President Clinton left you?
3. Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

All of a sudden the school bell rang and the children went to recess before the Resident could answer. When the children came back into class, the Resident again allowed for questions. Kevin raised his hand...

Yes Mr. President, I have 5 questions..
1. Why did we invated Iraq if they posed no threat to the United States?
2. What happened to the budget surpluss that President Clinton left you?
3. Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
4. why did the bell for recess ring 10 minutes early?
5. What the Fuck happend to Billy???

[miss_kitty]

58. Here's a link to one of the funnier DU threads!

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=106088

I am the Son of God. Ask me anything!

[Tsiyu]

59. Oh my gawd. What a pompous ass!

Do you realize now you are FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Omigod, imagine the possibilities. No one can shatter you or demean you or watch you in detached disdain. No more hunger and thirst...but first be a person who needs people


People who need people


are the LUCKIEST people in the world!!!!!!"

(That's what Barbara says, anyhoo.)

[chaska]

60. He must have picked up the wrong script by mistake...

Everybody knows that's the woman's line.

*<]8^)

It hurts but it happens, and there's no use resisting it. Fight the pain with pleasure. Try not to wallow in misery. And in your strong moments aim like a lazer beam toward a future that doesn't include him.

There are better things in your future.

Smile.