Parenting a 13 yo boy question.

[eyeontheprize]

My son, who is impulsive, sneaked out with a buddy to TP a girl in the neighborhood's house. It is clear that they planned to TP since they left the TP in the girl's yard. Rather than TP the house they built a sculpture of a penis (complete with urine or god knows what, made of food coloring). My son and his friend like this girl and consider her a friend.

The only good news in this story is that there is no hope that these boys have a successful life of crime in front of them, the crime trail to them was in the snow. Also, the next day realizing that this wasn't such a hot idea they returned to the scene of the crime to tear it down, but by then it was noon.

Once caught the boy couldn't explain himself. He said he knew it was wrong while he was doing it, but also thought it was funny. Funny!? I'm of a mind that the sculpture wasn't a sexual statement to the boys, more like a fart joke, but I'm ashamed of what he did.

In general he is a good kid, not particularly rebellious, an A, B student. The things he has been caught doing before were not serious, just impulsive. Not that it's not worrisome.

Any thoughts?

[DrWeird]

1. Sounds like a perfectly normal 13 year old to me.

Smoke a bowl together and relax.

[sendero]

2. I wouldn't be worried..

.... and I worry a lot :)

I have boys, 15, 13 and 12. They are pretty good kids. TPing a house is not much of a crime - I'd give him a token punishment and forget it.

[eyeontheprize]

15. The TP wasn't the problem,

read a little further into the comment. TP was the plan, thanks.

[sendero]

40. Yeah, the penis...

... I find that my kids (thanks to popular culture of the time) have a lot different idea of propriety than I do and did.

They are so immersed in this stuff to them it is no big deal, for better or worse.

I would definitely be giving them a good talking to, but as for your concern that you have a big problem on your hands, I doubt it.

[jaysunb]

3. Hormones and awakening

Tough times for kids at that age....remember ?

Relax, smoke a bowl, and remember.....

[democracyindanger]

4. Maybe they were sculpting David and they stopped after the first piece

[eyeontheprize]

6. This is the first laugh I've had today.

Thank you.

[democracyindanger]

8. :D

[LynzM]

5. I think that's not a huge deal

Like you said, it's more like a fart joke... Just let him know you're disappointed in his choice to play a joke that would very likely be seen as offensive by people, especially his friend's parents. But really, on the scale of awful things that 13-yr-old boys can do, that one sounds pretty tame. He sounds like not a bad kid, so I'd go the route of talking instead of punishing, for this one, especially since he knew it was wrong, to start with...

[AlienGirl]

31. It IS a "huge deal!"

My kids use "deal" to mean "penis." In that sense, it WAS a huge DEAL! :7

Tucker

[LynzM]

41. LOL

Yeah, in that sense, you are right! Too many euphamisms!

[The empressof all]

7. Having your house (or locker) TP'd

It's almost a status symbol in my town.

The TP'rs almost always come back the next day to clean it up.

[bearfan454]

9. That's nothing.

We did some very destructful things when we were kids. Your kid is fine.

[cags]

10. Honestly I've done worse as an adult, I have a 13 yr old

daughter and I think its funny. But then we play practical jokes all the time. I'd be more worried that he snuck out at night, thats not to safe.

When I was 25 my me, my husband, sister-in-law and brother-in-law filled up a nasty aunts mailbox with insulation foam, covered it in blown up condoms, duck taped it, and topped it off with a smiley antenna ball. We videotaped it so we could show mom-in-law and stole the reflector off it for a souvenir.

I know I'm awful but she really was evil.

[On the Road]

11. Yeah, Not Too Much of a Problem

To me, the key is that he feels ashamed rather than defiant, and thus he'll be less likely to do something like this in the future.

An overly controlling parent might have turned the screws down so much in the past that the kid would get his back up, defend himself, and secretly want to go out and do the same thing all over again. You seem to have avoided that pitfall.

I also agree with you that the penis was more like a fart joke than a sexual thing. If there's a chance to do it, and you can think of how to phrase it, it might be worth asking him if he understands how the girl might interpret a big erect penis in the snow, and how she might feel. If she's really a friend of his, he won't want her to be hurt or traumatized. If he has that kind of insight and empathy, it will be harder for him to do something insensitive in the future.

(FYI, I have a 14 YO daughter.)

[eyeontheprize]

13. Aside from the talk,

how would you punish him/

[On the Road]

19. That is the Wrong Question to Ask Me

I almost never punish my daughter. Not opposed to it or anything -- I just don't like the alternatives. Punishments rarely fit the crime and are always corerced. And speaking as a former behavioral psych student, punishment always leads to a recurrence of the punished behavior.

But that's neither here nor there. If you punish your son for misdeeds like this, you should do it now. And it should be consistent with what you have done in the past, both in type and in magnitude. It's very important that he feels it's an appropriate punishment. That means, among other things, that he buys into the underlying assumption that it was a bad thing to do.

[eyeontheprize]

20. I have not found a reason to punish his

14 year old sister in well over three years, kids are different.

You are insightful. Why did you end your studies as a behavioral psych?

[On the Road]

35. Well, in Experimental Psych

which is what I mostly did in college, the academic path is as tough as any other field.

I also thought about clinial psych, but decided not to pursue to for various reasons. One is that I didn't get into a good graduate program -- a former roommate beat me out for the last spot at Duke. I also every Wednesday one semester at a state mental institution in Appalachia. If there's anything that will scare you out of abnormal psych, that's it. Not bizarre so much as depressing and hopeless.

Eventually got an MBA and have worked for the phone company. Still don't know if that was a better choice.

[redsoxliberal]

22. I'm 15...

do you really think a 13 y.o boy would not understand the significance of an erect penis? Many of us have gotten head by 13.

[eyeontheprize]

24. Well that's reassuring.

I'm fairly certiain this boy has't had head as of now. But who really knows another, right?

[redsoxliberal]

25. he'd probably tell you

at least, that's how I work.

[eyeontheprize]

26. As I said, you don't know another person.

However, he is physically immature so I doubt he'd want the girls to know, but maybe the girls don't care about that sort of thing anymore.

[redsoxliberal]

27. ahhh... i see.

probably not then.

[On the Road]

36. No, I'm Not Saying That 15-Year-Olds are Naive

I'm saying that there's a different set of associations from what adults have.

For adults, the penis pretty much means sex. For a 13 YOs, it's a mixture. Partly "this is something forbidden I shouldn't be doing." It may be a come-on, but more impulsive and with less understanding of how it would appear. At least that's my view of that age. You're closer to it.

[Allenberg]

12. Well, considering I was 13

only 11 years ago, I'd say he's a normal teenage kid.

"boys will be boys"

Be glad it was just some TPing, and not spraypainting, shoplifting, or any other crime.

[MichiganVote]

14. Written apology to girl and family, clean it up or yardwork for a month

grounding for a few weekends and let it go. If he has learned a lesson, he's made a mistake he won't forget. If he is hasn't learned his lesson...then the question is, have you?

Doesn't sound impulsive, over the top mischief is more like it.

[intrepid_wanderer]

17. in agreement here

It's just best to make the moment remembered by whatever means are appropriate... which is up to you as a parent.


If you must keep being a friend in mind, remember, BE a parent first... you'll always be a freind in good standing down the line that way.

[NGU]

46. Maybe I should have read your post before posting my own...

We had similar ideas. Since I'm not a parent yet (but I currently work with juveniles that are incarcerated), I am reasured. Thanks!

[hangemhigh]

16. I have to tell you this-

who would have thought this little jewel would ever be appropriate for DU?

When I was about your son's age, a bunch of friends and I decided to TP the house of the mayor's daughter. They lived just outside of town in this southern style mansion with tons of trees. We sneaked out, caught up with a friend who was old enough to drive and did the deed. It was a TP masterpiece, I tell you. We spent a solid hour and draped every tree, tied bows. We were SO PROUD of ourselves. To top it off, we turned on the soaker hoses across the lawn to wet it down. We were all giggling so hard we could hardly stand ourselves. We finally ran back to the car for our getaway and found a nice surprise waiting. Her parents were waiting at the car holding the keys. They told us to clean it up and then we could have the keys to the car back. Our very LAST time to TP-

[eyeontheprize]

18. Cool story.

It sounds fun. The problem here wasn't TP, I wouldn't have worried about it if it were, I've got some fun TP stories also. I do the same thing, not read past the first sentence also.

[name not needed]

21. He's more creative then me and my friends

We just park in front of the person's house, call them, have them come out, flip em off and drive away really fast. :shrug:

[slutticus]

23. I'd say your lucky.

Sounds like a perfectly normal 13 Y.O. to me. I did MUCH worse things than that, and I turned out okily dokily.

On Edit: I'd much rather find a penis sculpture in my yard than a bunch of TP to clean up from my trees....

[saltpoint]

28. In times past I was a 13-year old boy and your son --

-- sounds like a SAINT compared with some of the "projects" my friends and I came up with.

The TPing was ornery but not wicked.

And tame compared to some early teens' antics.

[JohnnyCougar]

39. Yeah....TPing is mild

My friends and I used to do drive-by BB gun shootings (of car windows and such, not people, obviously), sabotage construction sites, launch fireworks at the police, throw bricks through windows (especially our school), and other things that I won't even say on a public forum.

We also had a police scanner, so we got a heads up every time the police were called, and quickly fled the scene. Needless to say, we never got caught (except for that time we hit an undercover cop car with multiple snowballs as it drove by).

If your son is only sticking to TPing, consider yourself lucky. At least he regretted the incident the next day.

[AlienGirl]

29. Don't worry!

I think it's a hilarious prank, and I'm trying to think of a way to do something similar! (BTW I'm almost 32 and female...)

It's just vulgar humor. If they explain it to her she should understand; if not, they should restrain themselves to playing this joke on each other and other like-minded kids.

Tucker

[FM Arouet666]

30. Have him apologize to the girl, and her family.

But take a light hand at home. I was once a thirteen year old, and very rebellious. The more my parent tried to control me, the more I rebelled. I was also an A student, that quickly became Ds with the wrong crowd. He needs discipline, but let him know that home is safe, and you are always available to talk. The teenage period is hard for kids and parents. The only thing I can offer is that too much parenting, i.e too much control, can have a very negative effect.

[kodi]

32. first offense? crucifixion.

you can be cruel, but be fair, that's what i always say.

[cry baby]

33. I have a 13 yr old boy...the penis thing is gross, yardwork will probably

be sufficient along with an apology, but sneaking out is the big thing to me. That would not be acceptable around here. Maybe that could be your focus.

[illbill]

34. Relax

Who cares; means nothing. Perfectly normal.

[Nicole]

37. I would be more worried

about the sneaking out than what he did while out.
If he sneaked out to do this, then what else has he snuck out for it? Or will sneak out for in the future. That would be my main worry.

As far as the penis sculpture goes, I'm sure the girl will punish him if she was offended by it.
I doubt if any punishment you could give him will effect him as much as her's will. Payback can be a bitch ya know. :evilgrin:

[patdem]

38. I have a good son with: Vandalism; stolen car; concealed weapon...all

really innocent. Well NOT INNOCENT...but not as bad as it sounds.

First they were caught at a house in a subdivsion his friend lived in and they were caught in the house...the house had been trashed before they ever got there.and the owners (developers) knew it or they would have been prosecuted.

Second my son and his friends used his friends mothers car and my son was driving it..without license..and withoug permission...the mother pressed charges against my son, though her son gave him the keys and told him to drive.

My husband collected knives and my son took a K-Bar (or however you describe the Marine knife at the end of a bayonette?) to school to show his friends...That was long before Columbine (thank goodness) and the police were called because the knife was quite large? Anyway..the case was dismissed..innocence back then counted for something!

My son now has 3 BEAUTIFUL daughters and he is much more strict than I ever thought about being? Whoda thought?

[huellewig]

42. When I was a kid..

Getting grounded was the best punishment. It was defined. Life as normal in two weeks. Seeing the disappointment in my moms eyes still haunts me. And the biggest thing for me was getting in trouble for things I didn't do. The first thing I did was do those things.

[Beer Snob-50]

43. Not a really big deal!

13 yo boys do stupid things sometimes,

[hedgehog]

44. I always warn my sons and their friends that one by one they are

bright and good citizens. when they get together though, their individual IQs are divided by the number of guys in the group. Guys is a group will do stupid things they would never consider doing on their own. A report on ABC last night said that having even a single teen age passenger in the car doubles a teenage driver's risk of having an accident. I also warn my daughters to think for themselves although girls' misdeeds are more likely to involve ostracizing another girl.

[NGU]

45. I won't be too worried

I have never been a 13 year old boy or had brothers, but that seems like a normal 13 year old boy thing. If it was my son, I might use this as an opportunity to discuss woman's feelings and how sexual comments (and sculptures) can seem funny to men but woman can feel harressed or objectified. I would make it clear to him from the beginning that I did not think that was his intent (I knew he was just trying to be funny) but some people might interpret it that way. Maybe a good punishment would be an apologize to the girl and her family I would probably add mowing some yards because that is my style. Just a suggestion. As far as weird behavior, it doesn't sound like that and your son is a good child who realized it was wrong. Be reasuring but let him know that some behaviors are not appropriate pranks.

However, take all of this with a grain of salt. I have a MA in Psychology but I am not a parent.

[fit4life]

47. First and foremost...

How good was the artwork? Does he have a future in sculpture or some other artistic outlet? lol Make sure you address both sides of it!

"Son, what you did was wrong, but your detail work on the veining was incredible!"...

[MsAnthropy]

48. Congratulate him on his creativity and humor

and then re-direct his artistic expression. Perfectly normal behavior for a 13 year old, unfortunately.

This really is a great story that will become increasingly embarrassing as the years go by so you should bring up over and over and over again. You couldn't get a more instant learning experience if they were regretting it as soon as they did it.