It's comedy time!

[Crazy Guggenheim]

Three guys go to a ski lodge but there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the
right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's
had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

:popcorn: :rofl:

[Crazy Guggenheim]

1. I've got a million of them!!

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped hishands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to
roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist:
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his
pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

:rofl: :rofl:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. Crazy!

I decided to stay up, and play.....and what do I find? A SEX THREAD!

:spank: :spank: :spank:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

20. LMAO!

:rofl:

[bridgit]

2. here's a visual for when the time is juuuust right...

[Heidi]

4. I think you're about two jokes late

with that very appropriate graphic, gf. :rofl:

[bridgit]

5. all thy tediousness upon me...

:rofl:

[Heidi]

6. With KitchenWitch absent,

I feel I must "snark for two." :rofl:

:loveya: bridgit! :*

[bridgit]

9. it ain't no joke i love me some Heidi...

:loveya: :hug: "snark for two" :rofl: :thumbsup: but do you have to be so damn good at it :rofl:

[Heidi]

11. I'm an over-achiever.

It's a blessing _and_ a curse. :evilgrin:

[Oeditpus Rex]

22. Hey, you know the old saying

Two can snark as cheaply as one. :evilgrin:

[Crazy Guggenheim]

7. Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague?

He was looking for a Czech mate.

[drhilarius]

8. Three explorers are captured by a tribe of cannibals...

The tribe's chief says he will spare the explorers' lives if they pass the rite of trabungo. The explorers agree and the chief instructs them to go into the jungle and pick 10 of one kind of fruit.

The first explorer comes back with some kiwis. The chief explains that in order to pass the rite the man must stick the 10 fruit up his ass without making a sound. The explorer begins

1....2...3...but as he was putting in the fourth kiwi he let out a painful scream and, consequently, he was killed.

The second man comes back with some berries. The chief explains the rules and the man agrees.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...but before he puts in the tenth he starts laughing uncontrollably.

Up in heaven man 1 sees man 2

Man 1: what the hell happened down there, you almost made it!?
Man 2: I couldn't help it, I saw steve coming up the hill with an armful of pineapples.

[Crazy Guggenheim]

10. LOL.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[bridgit]

12. Scottish Discretion...

Six retired Scotsmen were playing poker in the club when Willie loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen mate, the other five complete their playing time, standing at the table.

Angus looks around and asks: "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They cut the cards and Jock picks the low card. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Jock goes over to Willie's flat, knocks on the door, the wife answers and asks what he wants.

Jock says: "Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home."

She shouts: "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Jock says: "I'll go tell him."

:rofl:

[Crazy Guggenheim]

15. Excellent!

[Frozen Hamster]

13. A study in conflic resolution

This is a transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Crazy Guggenheim]

14. LOL>

[Crazy Guggenheim]

16. Why don't blind people like to skydive?

It scares the heck out of the dogs.

:rofl:

[Heidi]

21. I'll just sit over here and have some popcorn . . .

while awaiting the hordes of vision-impaired PETA members who will surely descend upon that joke. :popcorn:

[bridgit]

17. Retirement To The Great Wilderness & Beyond...

Steve had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in a great and vast wilderness, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Steve, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Steve, "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops, "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Steve, warming to the idea, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter....just gonna be the two of us."

:rofl:

[Crazy Guggenheim]

18. LOL.

[Oeditpus Rex]

19. The emperor of Japan was auditioning samurai

to be his bodyguard and sent out a call for the greatest swordsmen in the empire. Hundreds applied, but in time most were eliminated until only the three finest remained. These three were given a final test.

The first was ushered into a room before the emperor and given a small box, instructed to open it and "take appropriate action."

The samurai opened the box and out buzzed a fly. He drew his sword and with one lightning-quick strike sliced the fly neatly in half.

The second applicant was ushered into the room and given a box and the same instructions. When his fly escaped, he drew his sword and with two mighty swipes cut it into four equal parts.

The third samurai was brought in and given a box. As his fly buzzed around, he drew his sword, took one mighty swipe... and the fly didn't even flinch.

"You have failed your task," the emperor said. "Your fly still flies."

"He still flies," the samurai said, sheathing his sword, "but he will no longer reproduce."

[texanwitch]

23. Here is a joke my Grandmother always told at holiday season for some

reason. An old holiday memory.

A man goes to the Doctor, and after the exam the Doctor points to a line of bottles on the wall and tells the man that he needs to pee in one of the bottles. The man looks at the bottles on the wall and turns to the Doctor and says " Doctor I don't think I can pee that high".

[Crazy Guggenheim]

24. Ba da bing!

[Crazy Guggenheim]

25. So this couple is about to have a baby,

and their doctor tells them of this new device to make labor easier. Its called a Pain Transferrer. when the wife is having contractions, they can choose how much of the pain to divy out to the husband so it makes labor on the wife easier. The husband agreed. They started out at 20% for the husband, which is more thant he doctor thought the husband could bear, but after 5 minutes the husband felt fine. So they bumped it up to 40%.....another 10 minutes goes by and the husband is still alright. They bump it up to 80% and 30 minutes later the husband asks to have all 100% transferred to him because he hasnt felt a thing.......the baby was delivered without complication and the wife never felt a thing.....but when they got home the mailman was dead on their porch.

:rofl: :rofl:

[Frozen Hamster]

26. Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up

Edit: Yay, My 200th post :party:

[Crazy Guggenheim]

27. Congrats on 200!

[Frozen Hamster]

28. Rugby World cup 2006

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2006 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.

2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

5. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.

9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the Welsh) and burn the officials.

12. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.

13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the PETA.