Getting Married: When do you "know"?

[Jack_Dawson]

My gf wants to get married. Sometimes I think it'd be great, other times I'm afraid because of her mood swings. I love her but I have reservations. We've been together off and on for a year and a half.

For you married folks - when did you "know" and did you ever encounter and overcome these types of doubts? Thx in advance.

[trof]

1. When I couldn't come up with any good reasons

NOT to.
I know that doesn't sound terribly romantic, but it's the thought process I went through.
That was 34 years ago, and I STILL can't think of any good reasons not to.
;-)

[NewGuy]

2. I have been married 26 years

and there are still times I am not sure. You never KNOW for sure that it is right and will work. At some point you decide that the uncertainty of living life with a person is better than the uncertainty of living your life without them. But you will never be sure that marraige is the right decision for you right now.

[librechik]

10. I've been married 24, and I agree

The marriage must be negotiated constantly; there is never a moment of absolute certainty. It's an adult agreement between two people, not a magical spell.

Silly me, I got married because of the magic, and it's been an unhappy surprise having to work things out for real.

That being said, I am lucky and there is still a LOT of magic! Sometimes a magic moment happens right when I'm ready to throw in the towel and saves us. More often, it's my hubby trying very hard to communicate.You can base a love affair on magic, but not a marriage. Marriage needs all the details worked out and very clear between all parties, and that is hard to do.

So just think of it like buying a house--it's a big commitment, and both parties have to be able to come through with their promises.The contract is very long, complicated, and full of things you don't know until later--like the plumbing has to be replaced, or there's a crack in the foundation. Learn all you can about the property before you sign on the dotted line--then be prepared to fix the problems as they come up or lose the house.

[ProfessorGAC]

14. I'll Third That! 24 Years In March For Us

It's a constant negotiation and compromise/consensus thing. If it's not, it won't last. But, nothing's ever for sure, and if you assume it is, it'll get you in trouble.

All that being said, i knew the minute she opened her mouth to speak, the night i met her, that i was going to marry my wife.
The Professor

[Cnemius]

52. You simply rule out divorce

16 years of marriage...and we wouldn't even consider divorce as an option. That is the #1 key thing right there. It ensures that you and your partner will overcome all. The minute you allow divorce as an option, you are sunk. When you allow for that possibility, people will seek the easy way out....divorce....when things get tough.

[Jack_Dawson]

20. That doesn't sound...romantic

Have I seen too many movies? My parents have been happily married for 37 years and laugh at the "it's a lot of work" argument. Perhaps the bar has been set too high in my family. I appreciate your response though...

[ProfessorGAC]

30. It's Not A Lot Of Work

I don't think anybody answered that way Jack.

I think that what was being said is that it's constant work. Not that it takes "nose to the grindstone" effort, just vigilence and diligence.

I think the real key is that one doesn't always get what one wants in marriage. You get what's best for both, and the work is deciding what's best for both.
The Professor

[Fleshdancer]

59. I don't think it's a lot of work, but...

it takes a good amount of communication. Any partnership you enter into, whether it be for work or for love takes dedication, honesty, respect, and communication. If you have that now, then it's a good sign, but if you don't then don't rush into marriage just yet.

[ArkDem]

26. Married 20 years and I agree

wholeheartedly with the above.

[DuctapeFatwa]

3. When you don't have to "ask"

:)

[mkultra]

4. The small window

Win the small window on the stick turns pink, you know its time.

[LincolnMcGrath]

5. lol

Can`t catch me, cause the rabbit done died!

[Jack_Dawson]

6. LOL

Haven't had THAT happen yet (knock knock knock)

[liberalhistorian]

19. Well, that didn't exactly

work for me. My boyfriend, whom I thought loved me and wanted to marry me, threw me out of the house when I was three months pregnant with our son, who's now almost thirteen years old.

I always thought I'd meet "the one" and get married, but it's never happened. My son and I are still living with my parents, as we have been since he was born. I never thought I'd be a week away from my 39th birthday and never married or even come close.

[wtmusic]

7. A: You don't

It's true. You can wait forever to be ready.

By now you probably know the major faults (does she drink too much? does she gamble? does she have the strength to commmit?)

With that in mind: if it feels right, go for it.

[ret5hd]

8. when the divorce from your last wife is final. (nt)

[OldEurope]

9. The only reason to get married for me and my second husband

was to be a family for our children. Some benefits and rights at that time were easier to gain as a married couple; and we wanted all to have the same last name.
So the time I knew he was the one, was when I wanted him to be the father of my children.
Ask yourself: would you like her to be the mother of your children?

My first experience with marriage was not as good. We both were way too young, and the only reason for us was to get out of our families. Not a good thing, and ended in divorce.

[Jack_Dawson]

31. So...is it working out?

[jimbo fett]

11. I don't have an answer really but don't rush it...

A delayed marriage is better than an early divorce any day.

Do live with your girlfriend? That can be a good "trial run."

[TexasPatriot]

12. i'm one of those oddballs

that knew the moment i saw her i was in trouble...
and knew i was in real trouble after our first date...
you've been together a year and a half - she's right to press you

doubts are normal. if you love her, and you take the relationship as something that is always something that can be worked on, then the doubts are your problem. if the 'off and on' is indicative of communication problems that you dont think you can solve - then you have a problem you need to work out (one way or the other)

[TNDemo]

13. Somebody once told me

that if you are not comfortable just sitting beside each other reading a book then you shouldn't get married. I kinda think there is something to that because if you constantly have to put on your best face or work really hard to make things flow then it is not the right person. I think being able to make each other laugh is very important - you're gonna need to find some humor when the money gets tight or the kids get sick, etc.

BTW, today is my 25th anniversary and I picked the right guy!

[Lars39]

24. Happy Anniversary, TNDemo !!!!

:toast: :party: :toast:

PS. Jogged my memory; I still need to get you directions to Caney Creek Market!!! :dunce: I'll try again Saturday. :)

[TNDemo]

25. Thanks! And...

I looked up Caney Creek on the web but still haven't gotten there but it is on my to do list.

I'm going to see Wesley Clark downtown today at 12:30? Why don't you get your bad self over there and meet me and Mr. TNDemo? I am not settled on a candidate and will vote for anyone but Bush but thought I would check out Clark since he is in town.

I should have made myself TNDem and left off the "o". I think that would have been cooler.

[Lars39]

29. Oh, shoot!

I didn't know he was going to be in town today! There's no way I can sling it together in time. :( Would love to meet up with ya'll. Husband works reeeally close to there; if you see a 6'7" guy with dark hair, light colored jacket, that'll be him. :) I'd like to hear your impressions of Clark; I'm undecided, too.

[Bill McBlueState]

15. the ring

When slapping down >$1K for a little band with a rock on it no longer seems like the biggest scam ever invented, that's a good sign.

It amazes me how easily I could go buy a ring once I found the right person. geez.

But Mr. and Mrs. Astronomer are happy now. B-)

[liberalhistorian]

21. SIGH.

I wonder when, if ever, that will ever happen to me, when, if ever, someone will ever feel that way about me. I'm almost 39 with no sign of it, and it hurts to think it may never happen.

[slackmaster]

16. When no force in the Universe could talk you out of it

Despite protestations and warnings from your most trusted friends and family members you are determined to go ahead with it anyway. Then it's time.

It happened to me a few months before my 31st birthday. (Lasted just over 10 years BTW.)

:evilgrin:

[ewagner]

17. I don't think you ever "know"

In my case, I knew the mood swings well enough to understand them and found that they could be tolerable and even enjoyable.

The most surprising thing about our 29 years together is how we are both totally different people than we were when we first married. Evolution and growth are a huge part of any relationship and giving each other the latitude to evolve is probably the key to success.

Also, if you can look beyond the passion and see something solid, something you admire about the other person, it will also give you a clue. The passion doesn't last forever so there has to be some genuine caring for her as a person to sustain the relationship in the long run.

FWIW

[supernova]

18. I was married once

and I still don't know. I thought I knew all the things that these people are saying... but I didn't.

I think it's true about being able to sit and read a book with that person. Not having to feel obligated to entertain them all the time. Just simply be in their presence, if that makes any sense.

I'm still learning.

[Amaya]

22. My first marriage

was something I jumped into before realizing what I really wanted. You've known her over a year now... so assume you know her well enough to know if she's the 'one'.

Marriage/Relationships are work work and more work. It's never smooth and perfect. That's not real life. I wish it was that easy ;)

[bleedingheart]

23. I would not let someone push me into marrying

I have seen many people marry because it seemed okay, or because a boyfriend or girlfriend was pressing them and it normally never works out well. My hubby was married before and he was pushed by his girlfriend and both their families because it was "expected"...they had dated through college and "everyone" wanted to see them together... the marriage lasted 11 months and ended because she fell in love with a coworker.....and the funny part was that my husband had known all the time that she wasn't the right one but he let parental and peer pressure get the best of him.

Now two of my bro-in-laws broke off relationships with women who had been pressuring them and later found the perfect person for themselves...

Personally I think pressure comes with the length of time you date....sometimes its hard to break up with someone because you never know if you will find someone you are more interested in...so you or that other person stick together because you are comfortable with the situation rather that being in it because you are madly in love...

[regularguy]

27. What do you mean by "off and on"?

If that means alot of fighting-breaking up-getting back together, then I would be careful. Maybe that's just me though, I know some happily married people with fairly volatile relationships.

Anyway I just knew I was ready, knew I was with a great woman, and the pregnancy test sealed the deal! Been married 8 years, happily!

[Jack_Dawson]

28. Thank you all for your insightful posts

I find it invaluable to draw on real-life experiences.

[kanrok]

32. The best advice I got from my dad:

was "you'll know when it's right." He was right by the way. He knew my Mom was for him when he decided he could eat hamburgers she made by hand. Strange, but true. They were married for 45 years before he died.

[davsand]

33. There are several clues.

For me, it was a case of deciding I was happy with him an couldn't envision anybody else in that role.

I don't think I'd call it work to stay married. In my mind it is desire to be with that person. I choose to be with him--he chooses to stay with me. The 'work" frequently is in being able to get past the day to day minutia that can bog you down. I don't think you can make it work if you view it as anything other than you WILL make it work. You gotta WANT to do this.

The worry over money or work or kids or in-laws or (insert issue here) can take a toll on both of you, and you have got to make it a point to let each other know that it is still OK--in spite of it all. The wonder that crops up from time to time if maybe, just maybe, somebody else would be more fun/easier to deal with can be an issue too, so can the lack of "couple time" or the lack of simple quality time together.

Some days I am sure he'd like nothing more than to plant me someplace six feet under--like maybe the back yard--but that is part of it. Lord knows there have been times when I've looked over at him and wondered if I "settled" or gave up too easily. I always kind of take those times in stride and within a couple days something happens to resolve it.

Bottom line on it, IMO, is do you choose to be with each other, and do you hold that person dearer than anyone else? If you do, then it is time, if you don't, then live together for a while and revisit the issue.

My Mom has a saying, "Marry in haste and repent at your leisure." Bear it in mind.

Laura

[LuLu550]

34. guys NEVER know

they always think they will "find something better" and like to keep their options open, even after they are married!

[Nikia]

35. Can you handle the mood swings?

Is this something that she is getting help for or wants to get help for? If she has mood swings that you cannot deal with and she does not want to get help for them, don't do it. If you really marry for life, there will be some true crisises that you may experience. The mood swings could get worse.

[Skittles]

36. I have never understood why people want to be married

I doubt I ever will

[prolesunited]

51. You and me both

I read the one response that it's been a year and a half, so it's right of her to ask. Is the end goal of dating or a relationship marriage? Can't you just keep dating or even live together? Why would it have to lead to marriage?

People tell me it's because I've never met "the one." The older and more independent I get, the less appealing it sounds. Who knows. :shrug:

[Skittles]

65. I just have never felt the need

to torment one particular guy FOR LIFE. :D

[Missy Vixen]

67. Skittles

>to torment one particular guy FOR LIFE. :D<

I used to say (before I met DH,) that there wasn't a man on the face of the earth who deserved to be as happy as I could make him. :evilgrin:

For the original poster: We've been married ten years now. The best way to describe my life with him is a sappy quote from Billy Crystal's character in "When Harry Met Sally": "You're the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep and the first person I want to talk to every morning of my life." Marriage is work and compromise and sometimes, not so fun. At the same time, I think it's the most defining relationship of my life. I never knew I could love anyone this much. We've all heard another sappy movie quote: "You complete me." I was a complete and happy person before I met my DH, but my life is full of color and joy and music and love because he came along...

It is my every hope that everyone on DU finds real, enduring, true love in 2004. :loveya:

Julie
edited to add one last piece of advice

p.s. Jack, if you're really going to get married, here's a suggestion. No matter how awful it gets, the "D" word is not an option. No matter how bad the fight is, no matter what awful words one said to the other, it's not an option.

[nofurylike]

37. about four of the most important moments in my last 30 years

but then, i'm queer, so....

maybe some you would go sign the petition in this thread?:
it's a major race huge moment for us.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=589291

not stealing your thread, just wishing i could ever know that joy.

honest answer.

thank you!

peace

[liberalhistorian]

47. Don't feel bad,

there are plenty of us "straights" who haven't yet "known the joy" as you put it, and some of us may never know. In four days I'll be 39, a never-married single parent, and I've yet to come close. I never thought I'd be this age and not only never married, but never even close. So you're not alone in that respect just because you're gay.

[Kat45]

54. Don't you feel bad either. I'm 48 and have never come close,

but I still refuse to give up hope that one day I'll experience real love.

[nofurylike]

56. thank you for the kind sentiment, liberalhistorian.

but you see i was not just close, but there.

anguish.

not the place for this here, i know, but want to acknowledge your caring response.

peace!

[NicoleM]

38. I don't know when I knew.

I just did. But then I wasn't the one who decided to propose, so I already knew by the time I was asked.

Can I ask how old you are?

[Jack_Dawson]

39. Sure

34. She's 36.

[NicoleM]

45. Just wondering.

It makes a big difference. If were 22, I would have said don't do it. But at 34 you should be better able to judge whether you're willing to live with the mood swings for the next thirty or forty years.

[foreigncorrespondent]

40. Without reading any of the other posts...

...Jack, you will know in your heart when you have the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with. There won't be any reservations what so ever.

When I was engaged (gads! To a guy!) I had a lot of reservations about it. And after the third time of trying to organize the wedding and having something go wrong, I realized that he isn't the right person for me.

Now, I am engaged to Sapphocrat. We haven't set a date or anything yet, simply because we aren't settled in the same country. But when we do finally become settled, we will most likely be talking about flying to Canada to have the ceremony.

With Sappho, I have absolutely no reservations what so ever. I cannot imagine my life without her.

[nofurylike]

42. beautiful to read on this thread, thank you.

done, on the immigration act. ty, the info.

best wishes!

peace

[foreigncorrespondent]

48. Thank you.

And welcome to DU, my friend. :)

Have a drink on me :beer:

[nofurylike]

62. so kind, my friend!

thank you foreigncorrespondent!
here's to us all and things comin round

:toast:

all, please make that decision wisely and deeply-emotionally, and with due regard for how precious the choice, ok?

peace

[nofurylike]

63. brief

foreigncorrespondent, your site, FAIR, your writing...

profound

awe

tears

thank you

one on me, to you and your love
:beer:


:hug:

keep on and on

peace!

[foreigncorrespondent]

64. Wow!

Thank you so much, for the lovely compliment. You are the first person to ever tell me that. :)

I haven't updated the site in a long time because of 2003 just being a really bad year.

But I am hoping 2004 (which it is now, here in Melbourne) is going to be a better year, and I begin to really get my fight back.

Thank you

[nofurylike]

68. thank you!

i'm surprised you haven't received more compliments on your writing and the pieces on your site. moving!

i came back to this thread today specifically to make note of realizing how it might look to others that i wrote: "your site, FAIR..."
:)
to those who don't know the site is named FAIR, as in Free American Immigration Rights.
http://www.mountposeidon.com/atw/fair/

but then, YOU know it is.
so, i found your thanks here :)

i'm sorry to hear of your year being so difficult. i wish you your fight back! and more!

meanwhile, thank you for the delight it gave me to read your post as just one of all on this particular thread! that warm normalizing feeling :)

peace

[HEyHEY]

41. Is she throwing up?

That's how you know :evilgrin:

[populistmom]

43. Uh...

Yup! This is why I got married, plus he had health insurance and I was still in college under my parents which wouldn't cover maternity. How romantic it was! :eyes:

[KoKo]

44. I saw him "across a crowded room" and knew. More years and only one.....

One can know it when "IT" happens. But, assume there are other experiences here on DU which are as "important." And...assume there've been some divorces over knowing "IT" when it happens.

But, it worked for me and still "together after all these many years and challenges which you wouldn't believe! :D

[GreenPartyVoter]

46. Met my hubby of 10 years in high school

Knew back then, even.

Sometimes I guess you really do just know.

But don't confuse "knowing" with "perfection" in the relationship. Knowing doesn't mean that things are peachy-keen between you guys 24-7. Knowing means you recognize that you are a good fit for each other, love each other, and are prepared to suffer through growing pains together because ultimately being together is better than being apart.

[proud patriot]

49. When the pregnancy test came back postive

We'd been living together for 6 years at that time though.

[frogfromthenorth2]

50. My advice to you is:

RUN RUN RUN and don't look back!!!!


But seriously, mariage will come naturally...if you force it you are heading for trouble.... IMO

[Nikia]

53. The real reason that I got married

I like being married, but I'll be honest about it. I got married because I would have been very hurt if he was not always in my life. I like close relationships. I've had friends that I wished to be with forever. Unfortunately, I have moved away from my childhood town. I graduated from college. I changed jobs. Perhaps because of my messed up early family life, I never believed that any one of these people loved me as much as I loved them. When they did not respond to my call or email, even once, I assumed that they did not feel the same about me as I felt about them and did not contact them again. If we did not marry, perhaps we would have gone our separate ways after college. If we had stayed together unmarried, our families would have forever tried to pry us apart and criticized us for not pursuing all of our dreams because we had to be near each other. So I chose to marry to always have my close friend to be with me and love me and to know that my love would not be in vain.

[VOX]

55. When the idea of not having her in your life feels absolutely unacceptable

That's a pretty good sign that it'd be nice to honor your commitment with a formal ceremony.

My wife (before she was my wife) and I were together for seven years before we got hitched (it's been four years now). We always recognized the special nature of our relationship, and how finely tuned it was. We had many pragmatic obstacles (I was caught up in an eldercare situation, she had a son from a previous marriage who was having troubles, etc.) and we wanted to be sure that we could each weather the other's stuff that came with the package.

We went through some difficult times, but we never stopped thinking about how great it would be to formalize our life together. And when it finally happened, it did so very naturally and easily.

It was good for us to wait, but we like life better being hitched!

:toast:

[BiggJawn]

57. If you have reservations, DON'T!

"Love" will NOT "fix everything".

That being said, if you DON'T have some misgivings, then it's your gonads doing all the thinking and those bits are notoriously selfish and only think of themselves anyway.

I have been with my girlfriend SOLID for almost six years. No "on and off" stuff. I'm not sure I want to get married. We don't shack, and I think we've both come down with the "Been on your own Too Damn Long syndrome". It's not a perfect relationship, yet I can't see myself with anyone else. Maybe that's what you need to get to, when you can't imagine being with anyone else for the rest of your life.

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

[Jack_Dawson]

60. Thx Bigg Jawn - so is your gf OK with that?

[scarlet_owl]

58. When you can't see any down side to being married

that's when you should go for it. I've been married for three years and it is not something I take lightly. I think that a lot of young people go into marriage with the idea "well if it doesn't work out, we can just get divorced". My best advice to you is take marriage seriously. There will be ups and downs, but if you are with the right person things will be okay. Can you see yourself with this woman when you are both old? The person you marry today will someday look and be different. Always remember this, the most important thing of all-All women have mood swings. My husband has learned by now to leave me alone when I'm crabby. You always have to pick your battles. I hope this helps.

[qwlauren35]

61. Hmmm.....

I have SERIOUS mood swings. I don't know why, but my husband loves me anyway. He seems to love my heart, and when the mood swings happen, he copes as best he can. It makes for a tough marriage, but we love each other, and love makes all things possible.

If you know that you don't want a wife with mood swings... you may want to consider celibacy. Because many women have them. However, it does sound like you need a bit more experience with women before you rush to the altar. If you've got a decent relationship with your parents, why not get drunk and ask your dad if your mom has mood swings, and see what he says. Or, if you have a REALLY good relationship with them, you can ask without getting drunk... :-)

[Nikia]

66. I suppose what it depends on what you mean by mood swings

I pictured the mood swings, involving severe anger and crying and blaming people for stupid stuff, that some women, have which I don't like to be around either. My step mother and a few friends had those types of mood swings and if I were a guy, I would not want to marry them for that reason. If he means, cries easily in the face of adversity during certain times that should be dealable as long as he knows why she might be a bit more sensitive. People with severe mood swings that make others miserable should get treatment or attempt to stay away from others while having them. That might not be fair, but not all women have severe mood swings or ones that are destructive to others. I hope that by his age though, he has known several other women, whether as romantic partners, friends, or family to get a good feel of normal behavior.