Guys in their 20s: care to weigh in?

[Phillycat]

Poll question: Guys in their 20s: care to weigh in?

I have a girlfriend who's about to turn 30, who's been with a guy for over 2 years. He's several years younger than she is. They live in an expensive city and she was thinking about taking a job that would pay less. In the course of the conversation, she mentioned worrying she would lose her apartment and he said, if that happened she could move in with him...

...and he'd just put aside his feelings.

She asked, what feelings?

He said, you know, that I'm not ready to live together.


So, what does this really mean, guys in your 20s? I confess I didn't get married til I was 35, and my husband was also 35, so I don't really understand 20something guys and the way they operate in relationships. My friend wants to get married and start having children in the next couple of years (like 2, max). Is this guy just dicking her around, or will he get there eventually and she should just be patient? What would it mean if you said that to a girlfriend of 2 years? Thanks in advance.

[flvegan]

1. Tough one.

He may just be a guy that likes his own space. I was very much like that until I started taking dogs (and their bills) in.

I think it depends upon his genuine sincerity here. What she needs to do is this: if he's not "the one" and the relationship doesn't work out, would she be able to cohabitate with him (and see new women come and go, possibly) without a problem? Also, would he be willing to put her on a lease so she has legal rights in case the relationship does sour.

It may be as simple as he's not ready to combine "stuff" and responsibility.

Seems a longer talk is in order between the two.

[Phillycat]

2. Yeah. They definitely need to have a Talk.

What I always wonder about guys is, do you guys know when your ladyfriend is like totally in love with you and ready to make a serious commitment, and do you just avoid having the conversation? Or are you oblivious?

Not trying to make you the spokesperson for your people, heh, just curious.

[flvegan]

3. Personally

The few times my relationships ever went that far, I was totally oblivious. When the conversation was initiated (by her of course) I was more than happy to have it. So no, at least for me, I'd never avoid the conversation but I'm oblivious to when it should be.

[Richardo]

19. Yeah, I gotta go with 'oblivious'

He's not consciously avoiding it, I bet he doesn't even know it's a 'thing'.

[Orsino]

4. They were *having* a Talk.

Though the guy may not have realized it.

The idea may have been sprung on him unfairly. At least he seems to have come up with part of the correct answer on the spot.

[harmonicon]

33. it's a hard conversation to have

I went out with one girl for 3 years, and really loved her a lot, but I definitely wasn't ready to get married, and that had a lot to do with me breaking it off in the end. She and I had lived together for a few months, but I moved away to finish grad school, so it wasn't an option to still live together by the time we'd split up. Living with her was fine, and we didn't have any real problems with it, but I wasn't ready to start having the relationship define what I did for the rest of my life. She mentioned getting married many times, and I always said 'no', or that I'd think about it. I did think about it, and decided that I didn't want to get married - not because of her, but because of what it would mean for my future. For one thing, I knew that I'd probably be moving to Europe (as I have since done), and she didn't want that.

Some times I really regret breaking up with her, but I think it was what was best for both of us.

I have a girlfriend now, and we talk about how we'd like to live together some time (tough when we're both in doctoral programs in different countries), but for the time being are putting our own educational desires and careers ahead of where and how we live. We did live together for a few months, and it was kind of awful and put a serious strain on our relationship. We lived together for financial reasons and shared a studio apartment - that totally sucked, and we've agreed to not do that again.

[regularguy]

5. Until I was 30 I only thought about commitment

in terms of how to avoid it. A lot of young women feel the same way so it wasn't usually a problem. By the time I was in my early 30s, I wasn't generally interested in relationships that didn't seem to have long term potential.

[Phillycat]

6. See, this is what I told her, too.

It's just his age. A long time ago, someone told me something I didn't believe until much later: men aren't worth a damn until they're in their 30s.

Turned out to be very true for me!

[harmonicon]

34. I'm worth a damn!!!

[RadiationTherapy]

7. Other: *cliche warning*

He's just not that into her. There is a book, but the sentence will do.

I suppose MAYBE he is clinging on to a perception of himself (not ready to live together) and actually does want to live together, but that is a stretch.

I would want to live together just because of the $$ benefits alone; there would have to be a reason if I didn't.

I bet he breaks up with her soon; the cards are techinically on the table.

[Phillycat]

10. I do hope that's not true.

Not because I think this guy is any fantastic catch (he's shone some commitment-phobic douchebaggeriffic behavior in the past), but because she really loves him and I know it would break her heart.

That said, I fear you are correct.

[RadiationTherapy]

13. I honestly do think that people create ideas and characteristics about themselves

that they cling to even if, upon reflection, it isn't true.

If he was so specific about 'her', he has one foot out the door. If I loved someone and didn't want to live with ANYONE, I would go well out of my way to allay any doubts about her or our relationship.

[SidneyCarton]

8. I say he doesn't think too hard...

But I got married at 22, so what the hell do I know?

[Phillycat]

11. I sort of hate that reason, though.

It's like, how fucking stupid are these guys, you know? :D You're dating a girl for 2 years and she's about to turn 30, what do you THINK is gonna happen??

[SidneyCarton]

16. Stupid, no. Self-absorbed.

Marriage has been a huge eye-opener for me. Mrs. Carton thinks of all sorts of stuff that I never considered, put thought into, or even concieved of. This doesn't excuse this guy, If they've been together for 2 years there is an emotional investment in this, If he can't tell, that's a big red flag.

[Radical Activist]

17. Most men in their 20's don't start a relationship with that agenda

and they don't view everything in terms of whether the relationship is moving forward to marriage and/or long term commitment. I'm not sure its necessarily stupid. I've seen women with such a single minded focus on "where is this going?" that it ruins what could be an otherwise happy relationship.

One reason I hesitate to get into relationships is meeting too many women who seem to be looking for any barely acceptable man who will go along with their long term agenda. I don't want to be with someone who thinks getting married is more important than who you're getting married to. You're line about how you don't think the guy is that great but you hope they're headed toward more commitment is exactly what bothers me. I have no interest in being with a woman who is just looking to get married and thought I was more appealing than the losers she dated before me.

[skooooo]

20. How do you find that out, though...

...without taking the relationship seriously? And by seriously, I mean thinking, maybe after 8 months whether you want it to go forward or not?

Women have to look out for themselves - especially if they want to have kids before they reach middle age. Guys don't have much of a reason to be so interested in marriage I guess.

[Radical Activist]

23. How do you find what out?

If a woman is just husband hunting, or whether a man is interested in more commitment?

[skooooo]

29. I don't know...

lol..

I'm glad I'm out of the game now (married).

[Phillycat]

21. Oh, no, I don't hope they head toward more commitment.

What I actually hope is that she wises up and dumps him. What I said was I hope he doesn't dump her out of the blue because I don't want her to get hurt. And in my experience with these kinds of boys (not men, boys), he probably won't dump her. He'll let her hang around until she has enough of it. At least, that was my experience. :shrug: Very glad I moved on from that self-imposed purgatory.

[Radical Activist]

24. Well,

I think the only thing to do that is to develop the ability to have open, honest discussions about these things in a non-threatening way. Maybe that's impossible with some men and I realize that's why many women will try to take hints from random comments and make passive aggressive suggestions about the future. But that can also cause problems from misunderstandings and can be very unfair to the man who doesn't realize things he's saying are being taken in a way they weren't meant. Its completely unfair to attach huge significance to a conversation that a man thought was casual.

[Phillycat]

25. Yes, that's an option.

The other option is to dump the boy and have a relationship with a full-grown man who understands when he is having a conversation of emotional significance because he is emotionally available, self-aware, empathetic, and compassionate.

Unfortunately, many women don't understand that's an option until they meet a real man. :)

[Radical Activist]

26. lol

Yes, that's an option. I can think of a couple women dating unemployed drug addicted losers in their 20's who I had hoped would take your option. People are only ready when they're ready.

[AngryAmish]

9. I would not live with someone

It would make my wife really mad.

All kidding aside, I think living with someone without being married is a bad idea. All the bad parts of marriage without the good parts. (Well, some of the good parts, but...)

[Phillycat]

12. I'm with you - my living-together experiments have been disasters.

I didn't live with my husband before we got married, and I'm glad I didn't. We built our life together in the context of our marriage. I'm old-fashioned that way.

However, this guy is not like that, she asked him if that's what it was. He's just not ready to live with HER.

[skooooo]

14. If I were her I wouldn't move in with him after that comment. nt

[Phillycat]

15. Heh. Right?

"If WORSE CAME TO WORST, you could live with me!"

Well, geez, make a girl feel special, why don't ya??

[skooooo]

18. I think....

...women (I am one) can ignore what they don't want to hear sometimes. If a guy says something like that, I would take it at face value. Hopefully something will work out for her.

[Phillycat]

22. I feel ya.

Been there, done that. Self-imposed purgatory, as I said above. I'm very glad I let myself out of that prison!

[skooooo]

28. oh yeah..

Sounds like we've both been there and done that! yuck! never again!

[RainDog]

27. It means what he said

That he cares about her and is willing to let her stay at his place until she found another place. However, he is not ready to live together, or rather, does not want this invitation to sound like he's taking the relationship to another level.

I was in a similar situation - except I was the one offering. I REALLY did not want to live with this guy and had already told him that I did not want a serious relationship.

However, when his landlord changed and he learned he might have to move out just as he had other unexpected expenses, I told him he could stay at my place (in my basement, which is practically an apt. except for a stove) until he could find another place.

The irony in this, of course, is that later, when he didn't need to do this, he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings when I made the offer but that he didn't want to move in. I said I only offered as a kindness and didn't want him to live there either... so he really didn't need to fret.

I also stopped seeing the guy long before he admitted we were no longer seeing each other, (we were still friendly, but I was never available, etc.) so I know that people hear what they want to hear sometimes.

She should take it to mean she would be better off not to move in with him if there is any way she can avoid it.

[skooooo]

30. Amen!

When a man tells you something, believe him.

[MilesColtrane]

31. Probably likes the idea of her being in close proximity.

He's probably thinking, "hey, I'm helping her out, and if she happens to want to have sex all the time...bonus!".

But, the fact that he's said he is not ready to live together means that he isn't looking for a deeper, long term commitment.

If she moves in thinking that she's going to change his way of thinking about the relationship, she's in for some pain.

[Chan790]

32. It's a "steps" thing...

it's the step before engagement usually, at least in my circle. What he's saying is "I'm not ready to begin to contemplate marriage"

What he means is: "I'm on the 30-to-35 married plan." (I'm assuming he's my age...28. If he's say 22, he might mean I'm on the "25+" plan.) If she's serious about the 2 years max, she should probably end it. It's not happening within the next 2 years.

Sorry. I suspect you knew this when you asked the question though.

Edit: I voted "She's his girlfriend for right now and that's cool, but he doesn't know about the future." That's the truest option.

[quakerboy]

35. 3, 4, and 5 are not mutualy exclusive