Has any ex ever written to remind you that you're still through?

[Fenris]

I got this E-mail yesterday from my ex-girlfriend, who broke up with me just over a week ago. Needless to say, the message was strange.

Here is a sanitized version:

Dear

I just want to say one thing, and since I obviously never improved on tact, I'll just come right out and say it. I stand by what I said last Sunday, my feelings have not changed. There's no need to repeat the reasons, but you shouldn't take this email as an indication that I'm backing down from what I told you.

But that's not why I'm writing you (hopefully you don't think me the kind of person to rub it in your face or anything). , we've been through so much together, I just want you to know that I didn't suddenly stop caring about you. I worry about you. I hope you're getting sleep. I hope you aren't taking this as some clue that you're horrible or unlovable. I hope you know that I meant everything I've ever said to you. You really are smart. You really are great. You really do have the potential to do great things. I never stopped believing in you.

Please, I know this sounds horribly cliche*, but I do want to be your friend.



Now, I did not need to hear this, as I am not a completely fragile human being. Sure, it hurt a lot, and still does a little, but I'm in the anger period, so this message is unecessary. I am not the unlovable one. I am not the horrible one. And yes, I do think she is the type of person to rub it in my face.

So she must have thought me so naive that I would take any "praise" as an indication she wants to get back together. Please. Not only do I not think that, I don't want to get back together. See, I was the one who was treated poorly, and I was the one who got dumped, so if anyone controls whether or not we start dating again, it would be me. I am not so weak that I would come groveling on my hands and knees for her love. Sorry, that's the last thing I would do.

So I understand that the point of the message was to remind me that I am a human being. I think. Actually, the point is kind of confusing. She's never written that poorly before. No one I showed it to understood what the hell she was trying to communicate. Most of my friends thought it was unbelievably cruel to remind me that she dumped me. And my girl friends pretty much said "What a bitch."

And to clarify, her "reasons" for dumping me were as follows: A) I am not the right girl for you and B) I can't give you what you want. That's what I got for a yearlong relationship. I'm not the right girl. I can't give you what you want.

Jesus, I don't know what the fuck I want! How can she?!

Oh, and when she tells me she wants to be friends, I want to tell her to go to Hell.

Sorry for ranting.

*Oh, the grammar!

[StrongBad]

1. Wow that is strange

Consider yourself lucky to have a wide open future ahead. Give yourself some time to adjust and enjoy your newfound freedom!

[tjdee]

2. I did have a guy tell me he wasn't interested by drawing me elaborate pict

ures, LOL!

In high school, LOL, I didn't even like this guy *at all* and he wrote me notes like "I'm not interested in you" and "Don't try to hide your pain by laughing about it". Honestly.

And at the bottom of the notes, there was always random artwork. Once it was the continent of Africa (we're both black). Uh, LOL...?????????????

It was mind boggling.

This girl, man...Why did she say "I'm not the right girl for you" when she *means* "You're not the right guy for me"? I don't understand people like that. Sorry man.

Ah well, come, we have ice cream.

[Fenris]

6. Yeah, I didn't understand that either

Deflecting the blame, perhaps? I really like it when people claim to know who is the right girl for me or what I want. Because god knows I can't figure these things out for myself. :rolleyes:

[Feanorcurufinwe]

3. Just be happy you didn't marry her

Dear ex-h,

Just wanted to let you know, we are still through, and I need some more money.

Somewhat cordially,
ex-w

ps. I still want to be friends.

[ScreamingMeemie]

4. Sounds like someone is on a little bit of an ego trip...

maybe you could send her a copy of "You're So Vain". Sounds like you are better off without someone who would think so highly of herself that she needs to remind you of it...sheesh!

[Fenris]

11. Oh, man, BIG fucking ego.

She has people tell her how great she is all the goddamn time. She has a 4.0, she's a National Merit Scholarship finalist, and she's got a free ride to a good university. She's got people all around her just clapping for her.

I remember being at her massive graduation party (every goddamn lawyer in the city of Houston was there) and people came up all night long and told me how wonderful a person she is. I kept on thinking, "Well, shit, I guess I'm really not worthy, then."

Funny, I sit here now and think of all those people telling me how wonderful she is. Yeah. Really fucking wonderful.

This sounds mean, but I hope someone tells her she is fat one day. Or that she is annoying. Not that I really think those things, but I think she needs to have her head deflated.

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. If I knew her, I'd tell her for you.

It sounds like you are well on the way to recovery. I wish you all the luck in finding someone wonderful!! ;-)

[Fenris]

16. Thank you!

:hi:

[Booberdawg]

20. Normal reaction

"This sounds mean, but I hope someone tells her she is fat one day. Or that she is annoying."

LOL! Let er rip Fenris! Get it allllllll out!

She might be feeling guilty. Maybe she has some vanity need to know you are hurting. You know her better than we do.

Don't answer the email. It will drive her nuts.:evilgrin:

[Avalux]

5. Be careful....

sounds to me she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Wants her freedom, doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but still wants you. All that "I still care about you" crap. Yada yada yada.

Best thing to do is cut off all contact if you're really sure it's over. DO NOT write back to her. It's what she wants; her ego needs the attention.

[noiretextatique]

7. ((((fenris)))) i feel your pain

had a similar situation...i wrote a poem called "differences" about it. "there are no differences when love is real," meaning even if the romantic relationship didn't work out, if there was a friendship, it would survive that...maybe not right away. the point is...it doesn't cound like she's been a friend to you, but she probably does want to be friends...perhaps she doesn't know how to do that? i know my ex didn't...she kept saying it, but acting like a jerk.

why is it that some people feel friendship is like a consolation prize, when in truth, if you don't have that relationship, it's pretty impossible to have anything else. i wouldn't give her the satisfaction of a reply...just get on with your life....without her. it seems pretty clear to me that you don't consider her a friend. good riddance, from what you describe. mind you...i'm speaking a year after my breakup, but i certainly wasn't this clear a week after it. at any rate: you deserve better...she's right about that.

[Fenris]

12. I didn't reply.

Why should I?

Thanks noiretblu!

[noiretextatique]

18. good for you!

i bet she is missing you, but why wouldn't she? i finally wised up with my ex after i saw she was more interested in continuing to blame me vs. really wanting a friendship. at least you're smarter than me :hi:

[Fenris]

19. Well, I'm learning.

I've endured a lot worse than this.

[radwriter0555]

35. Nope, never let her know you even got the email...

pretend she doesn't exist. And if somehow, she ever brings it up, you didn't get it.

[Robb]

36. Better still

If it somehow comes up, you don't remember if you got it -- wait, maybe, what did it say? :evilgrin:

[Sal316]

8. Sounds like second thoughts might be creeping in....

.....I've received one of these before... beware, my friend...:scared:

[Fenris]

15. Really?

Well, that's interesting.

[Threaderizer]

9. I hope she's not a DU'er

or you can expect at least one more email!!!!!

Good luck and enjoy life.

[Fenris]

14. She isn't

Thank god for that.

[SOteric]

10. I don't know either you or this girl

So it's really hard to get any accurate picture of what she intended.

When I read this, I got the impression that she was trying to say that she still cares about and has feelings for you. Maybe she's feels some guilt for ending it. But rather than lead you on about what those feelings might mean she wanted to reaffirm right up front that she's not interested in a return to your previous relationship.

[chaska]

17. Ah, she's just having second thoughts, is all.

You were together for a pretty long time. It's hard to just break off like that. She's not sure she did the right thing. She misses you. She wants you to miss her.

Your attitude is right where it should be though. You ain't no dog, don't go beggin'. If you want her back she has to come back with no effort on your part. It probably is over though. If you agree, stay strong. Don't let her come back. It's probably the kindest thing you can do for her. And you.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

21. Actually I have an ex who still does this nearly 10 years later

I tolerate it only because I DO love her but would never want to get back together with her. She DID treat me like shit but I suppose wanted to believe I would be waiting in the wings in case she DID change her mind. I'm not.

Some people are insecure and need to know that they have your approval even when they are dumping you.

I agree. Best to not respond to it. Just let it be.

I'm sorry you're hurting though...that part's a drag but it does go away with time (and distraction...go out and meet someone)

[Ramsey]

22. Having been through this several times

I'll give you my take. And I am going on this sentence, because it really rang bells for me: "And to clarify, her "reasons" for dumping me were as follows: A) I am not the right girl for you and B) I can't give you what you want."

I dated a number of guys that I truly adored, had a great time with, enjoyed being around, liked everything about them, etc. But after a few months or so, I had to admit to myself that I wasn't in love with this person and I wasn't going to be. I considered that fact to be my own failing or limitation. Evon so, it was time to move on. And having to say that to someone else, especially someone you truly care for, is not easy. It makes you feel really bad, and guilty, and worry about the hurt you have inflicted upon the other person, even though you know it is for the best.

So, I would tell him similar things to what you heard. And the truth is, it isn't your fault, you didn't do anything wrong and she probably does think you are an intelligent and successful guy. It is hard to admit to yourself that you don't love someone who is after all really great.

Now, I am projecting a lot here, but I'd wager that she means what she says in that she does want to be your friend when you are ready. She was with you because you have many great qualities, things she admires and respects. Those things are not negated by the fact that she feels the romantic relationship has not been working for her, or for you both, for whatever reason. She's projecting when she says she cannot give what you want, because perhaps she couldn't no matter what that was.

That may sound bad, but I think it doesn't have to be. First of all, it saves grief later, if it wasn't meant to be. Secondly, and I find I am somewhat unusual in this sense, but I am still pretty close friends with most of the guys I used to date, that I broke up with. Why? I am not sure, but I think it's because I really do like and respect them, and really do like being with them. Some were angry with me at first, but I persisted in showing my friendship and they came around.

Maybe that isn't possible for you, but that may be what she is trying to say.

[BiggJawn]

23. Tell her...Tell her...."Yeah? you and the horse you rode in on."

Sounds like one of those "You'll never fuck anyone as GOOD as me as long as you LIVE" letters to me...

This "I want to be Friends" bull-crap is because she KNOWS she did you dirty and her conscience is keeping her up nights (that and the guy she found last week who makes her pinball machine roll-over) she doesn't want to "be your Friend", she wants to hamstring you from getting on with your life, keeping you in reserve for a "buddy-fuck" once a while...

Telling her to go to a Very Hot Place that is NOT Europe is authorized.

[DagmarK]

24. I can't believe no one zoned in on this REASON for the letter!!!

Little miss popular is really baffled that you have not come to where she lives and threatened to kill yourself on her front steps while wailing, sobbing and BEGGING for her back.

You see.....you weren't supposed to just say OKAY......well.....oh well.......good luck to you when she broke up with you.

She isn't having 2nd thoughts ......she's just miffed that you didn't completely and totally fall apart when she dumped you.

It's a reality check for her - a terrible one: Oh gosh, he wasn't as wrapped up in me as I thought. Hmmmmmmmmmm.......

hey, the BEST medicine for this gal is the NEVER write back to her. You watch.....in a week, you will get a PHONE CALL from her!!! Get caller ID and block her phone number!

Next thing you know...SHE will be at your doorstep wailing and crying.......

You are soooooo LUCKY to be rid of this girl!

[BiggJawn]

26. I thought I addressd that...

:7
Remember? I called it a "You'll never fuck anyone as GOOD as me..." letter?

And he IS so LUCKY to be shed of her.

[DagmarK]

42. that was my FAVORITE assessment, biggjawn........

Indeed!

but I am just pointing out the vision of this dumb chick "who has everything and nothing at the same time" sitting around dumbfounded and downright PISSED that our friend hasn't committed hari kari on her doorstep......

[TBO]

25. Easy Answer

Jesus, I don't know what the fuck I want! How can she?!

It's all about the hoochie.

[Loonman]

27. What a nutjob

It's always all about ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!

[Fenris]

32. Hey, a PiL fan!

:D

[myrna minx]

46. OMG-

I just stumbled upon my "9" t-shirt this last weekend. Pil has been on my mind ever since. :toast:

[Darth_Kitten]

28. She's full of herself.....

and seems to envision you lost and lonely without her special self there.
Write back in the same vein. Don't by any means tell her to go to hell. Be very "tactful" and "diplomatic" and quite unemotional whilst you are telling her that she really "ain't all that". (ie: I didn't know what real love was until I was away from you....you really hope that despite who she really is, she will find a special, unique individual, someone who truly deserves her....hope she doesn't find things "hard" out there without YOU to guide her....etc etc......)



I'm serious, you don't deserve to have your emotions rubbed into your face. :evilfrown:

[TXlib]

29. I'd ignore the email

Don't dignify it with a response.

[THUNDER HANDS]

30. I think

You should write her back, apologise for everything you've ever done. Beg and plead to be taken back.

Then send another email immediately afterwards saying:

"You know what, nevermind, I remembered how awful you smell."

Chicks hate to be told they smell.

:)

[Fenris]

34. HAHAHAHAHA!

:D

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

39. Chicks hate to be told they smell

No wonder we hear about your difficulty getting dates every other week.

[THUNDER HANDS]

41. hey!

It's not my fault I find women who think a shower is the thing you bring presents to.

:evilgrin:

[progressivejazz]

31. She's BEGGING for a reply.

Many of her statements are actually questions. Are you sleeping? Did I make you feel unlovable? Will you be my friend?

DENY HER THE SATISFACTION OF GETTING A REPLY.

It will demean you to reply. She's not worth it.

[kmla]

33. Sounds a little spoiled, and a little passive-aggressive.

It seems as if she is bewildered that you still aren't pursuing her, and pining for her during your every waking hour. Speaking strictly as an uninformed third party observer, it looks like she sent this to you to see if you will pursue her a little bit. That would boost her self esteem (He wants me, but I don't really need him. I must be special...).

Be cordial to her. Have a pleasant demeanor. But don't show her much interest beyond the small talk.

Remember, living well is always the best revenge...

(edited for spelling)

[buddhamama]

37. i'm sorry.

what a cruel thing to do.
it certainly does appear that she was either 1)trying to rub your face in it 2)make herself feel better or 3)(and this is the cruelest possible reason) get a reaction from you that would that raise her ego up a few notches. perhaps she was hoping that you would be in tears and begging and pleading her to comeback--being manipulitive and playing with your feelings. may be her own ego couldn't stand the fact that you hadn't done this already.

someday you'll find someone who loves and appreciates you for you.

(((hugs)))

[Generic Other]

38. My best friend from high school

heard from her ex-boyfriend after 20 years. He wanted her to know she ruined his life by breaking up with him senior year.

[northzax]

40. as I see it, you have five options

1: ignore her. this isn't a good option, she'll think you are too upset to reply.
2: answer her like you're all banged up (which you may be) you know, I miss you, yadda yadda. not a good choice, don't feed the ego.
3: send her photos of yourself and a hooker. again, not the good of an option, as it is formidibly expensive (to get one good enough looking to annoy her)
4: respond politely, thank her for her concern, tell her that you hope to see her soon. explain that you are excited to leave high school unfettered, thank her for the memories and the syphillis. tell her you will always treasure (list random sexual experience with someone else, make it up if you need to)
5: respond politely, wish her well and tell her that you hope you can remain friends in the future. and then ignore her. I vote for this option. be the adult, don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you miserable. and remember, you probably will not be able ot be friends with her for at least a year, so

dude, good luck. and remember, you are young, it'll get better and soon this person will simply be a fond memory of your wayward youth.

[MoonGod]

43. So what's your problem?

Seems to me like she just feels terrible about breaking up w/you. She cares about you and doesn't want for you to be hurt.

What's your problem with this?

I guess, like you said, you're in "the anger period". Hopefully you'll recognize that fact when looking at your own reactions to this letter.

Anyway, it's good that you have friends around who are offering support and whatnot. Breaking up IS hard to do... terribly painful and frustrating. I know that when I've hit the end of relationships, it's left me such an emotional wreck that I've lost 15-20 pounds in a week or 2, because I just couldn't eat.

[Blue_Chill]

45. I agree

with what you wrote.

[JVS]

44. Send her a letter, with a surprise

Get some fancy stationary and send her a piece of paper that you've wiped your ass with.

[ArkDem]

47. There is a lot of Tuna in the Sea........

.

[northzax]

48. didn't you hear?

there actually isn't all that much tuna left...

[geniph]

49. I actually think I know exactly why she sent it

She feels kind of bad for hurting you, but reiterated that she still feels that breaking up was the right decision - she just wishes she hadn't had to hurt you to do it. She's trying to soften the blow a bit by telling you it's not that you were unlovable or something, it's that you weren't right for each other.

I've had to break up with people that weren't ready for - or expecting - a breakup. It sucks to hurt people, and I don't like doing it, but sometimes it's kinder than hanging around being mean and hoping that'll convince them that breaking up is the right choice.

It's too soon to be friends. Perhaps, after you've had time to heal, the two of you can be civil and cordial, but very few people can actually be friendly shortly after an unwanted breakup.

If emails like this hurt too much to read, then add her to a block list or killfile so you don't see the messages.