My first love in back in town...

[donotpassgo]

Hey DUers, I need some good strong advice here...so I'll give you some quick background:

There was this girl from the same hometown as one of my best friends. She moved down (and in with him) to LA to pursue her music. We became fast friends ourseleves and eventually, I was her best friend out here. We got to working on a project together and developed feelings for her, but before I could continue, I let her know how I felt.

Since it was awkward it didn't quite work and I pursued, because I didn't want to give her up so easy. Eventually we got together and she became the love of my life. Sure there were other girls, but they were few and far between and I didn't love any of them.

Due to money problems (unemployed...go figure), It was suggested that I move in with her. So, with some hesitancy, I did and it was great. A couple of months later, she went home for a wedding and called me from there saying she was going to move back.

It took three weeks to pack up and leave, all the while telling me she just couldn't live out in LA anymore (understandable) and nothing was my fault. She refused to add finality, telling me "who knows what could happen" and that she still loves me, and planning for future visits. Its been 8 months since she left and I've talked to her four times, and it's been cold and distant on her end. Even details on her trip have been relayed through my roomate.

The whole friendship/relationship lasted a year...she had some problems dealing with things within herself and her mom caused her a lot of grief.

Well...now she's back to finish her work our project and in a few hours I'm going to walk into my apartment and she's going to be there. I haven't been with anyone since and she still bears a lot of weight in my eyes (good and bad). When I walk through that door, I will have NO clue as to handle anything and may just freeze. Anyone have any thoughts on my dilemma?

[WilliamPitt]

1. Chuck some poo at her

Kidding, kidding, kidding.

I dunno, man. Are you prone to freezing up? If so, do something absurd if the frost starts to take over. Throw yourself at her feet, make a fool of yourself, lighten the load. Her reaction will tell you where you stand.

If no freeze, play it cool. Happy happy and all that. Good luck.

[donotpassgo]

2. I dunno if I want to choke her or kiss her.

and we can't have the TALK I want to have to make me feel better until later this week. Gotta stay proffessional. Tonight its just me, her, a microphone, and a technician in the other room.

[TEXASYANKEE]

3. Stay cool.

The first few minutes will be awkward, but things should warm up afterwards. Be yourself, be warm, be friendly. Give her some time to readjust being around you, and then go from there.

[catpower2000]

4. You want the truth?

She doesn't love you. She never loved you and she will never love you. That is pretty fucking harsh, but I am a woman and I am telling you the truth. I'm sure she moved home for valid reasons, but one of them was to extricate herself from the relationship with you. If she had loved you at all before she left LA, she would have called you more often simply because she missed you, missed your absence in her life.

I am sorry to be harsh, but I have been that woman, and I am telling you the god's honest truth. I'm sorry. Get over her and move on. DO NOT allow yourself to get sucked back into anything. TRY VERY HARD not to feel anything when you see her. HAVE PLANS for after you see her, with a friend to go do ANYTHING to keep your mind off of her.

Trust me. I have no reason to lie to you.

Cat

[ursacorwin]

5. i second the female perspective

back before i knew i didn't like men at all, i dated a few. some of them still call me the 'love of their lives.' and in every single case, when i was done, i did what she did to you.

you sound like a nice man- find a woman you deserve.

[donotpassgo]

7. There are things...

that you don't know about her that would show otherwise...but damn, that's harsh. meanie.





Is it wrong to say "women suck"?:nopity:

[Fovea]

13. Is it wrong?

Not if you are willing to shoulder the fact that men suck too.
But to be fair, she may have gotten deep into it, purely from a wish not to hurt you.

Not everyone is mature or strong enough to make the needed clean break.
My suggestion is to go out there and have 3 simple sexual friendships in the next year. It is an easy suggestion to take, and you will learn a lot while having a good time.

[donotpassgo]

15. if it were THAT easy...

I'd have done it by now.

[WilliamPitt]

31. Thus, the poo-chucking option gains momentum

:)

[Exultant Democracy]

32. Poo on the mind tonight?

We should join forces on this thread.

Start by getting drunk, then chuck poo, after that get even drunker.

[ArkDem]

6. >she still bears a lot of weight <

that doesn't sound good

[Exultant Democracy]

8. Booze...n/t

[donotpassgo]

9. no time...at work, gotta stay sober

:beer:

[ProudGerman]

11. Wrong

All you have to accomplish is the appearance of sobriety.

[sexybomber]

21. exactly.

just concentrate really hard on your words, that way they won't come out slurred :beer:

[Tinoire]

10. I'm with Cat on this one. Run away. Turn the tables on her

A girl who left you hanging for 8 months isn't worth it. Had she cared ONE whit, she would have contacted you much more often and with WARMTH.

I hate to see GOOD men get hung up on such undeserving women. It happens ALL the time. Run. Please. This girl will only bring you heart-ache and confusion. A true friend would have had the sensitivity, the caring to contact you so that you didn't have to rely on friends for news.

I feel for you. PM me sometime if you want- we could swap stories but trust me, she's not worth it and you're selling yourself short.

If you do take the gamble, I wish you the best of luck and no heart-break.

On edit: Cat's not being a meanie but hey, you have no idea how heart-breaking it is to see so many great men emotionally hacked by uncaring women.

[donotpassgo]

12. it'll only break my heart if I learn she never loved me...

thanks for the kind words. Luckily she's in town for a SHORT amount of time.

[Tinoire]

16. She'll never tell you that

There's something in human beings that prevents them from confessing that.

Could you ever tell someone who thought you loved them that you hadn't? I don't know this girl. There's a slight chance that maybe she did and does. For your sake I hope that's the case.

Has she ever mis-led you? Is she honest and frank? If she's never ever given you cause to doubt her words, just ask her- tell her these last few months were emotionally devastating and that you really appreciate her but can't afford to be hurt again.

I don't know how hurt you were or what happened.

What has she told you? Has she told you she's excited to see you again and missed you? Or that she needed these 8 months to figure out who she was, what she wanted in life and that you were part of the final answer? All these things are important. It's so hard to give advice! What does your heart tell you?

[donotpassgo]

18. well...

When we were together she was totally honest. She told me things about herself that I'm sure she hadn't told anything. It was in the final days and after that she wasn't on the level with me.

I know she isn't EVER coming back to stay, but I sleep in the same bed we slept in everyday. I still take care of the cat (our proxy child), she's in my film which I have been editing since she left. And she lives in my best friend home town so I hear about her all the time. The last thing she told me before she left was "I love you". This is why Its been so hard for me.

Direct confrontation has never been my thing...I told her to keep Friday open so I could take her out and I'm sure I'll have a better understanding of her mindset, but today is a different story.

[Tinoire]

20. Ok. Need more info here

You're making me weep. This is hitting too close to home. Why did she leave? Was there someone else? Sorry for the brutal question...

Can you believe that, in this world, there really IS more than one person who's right for you? I hope to God she's the one!

Also how old is she?

Did you ever, ever feel that she had taken advantage of your kindness or love? Did you ever feel that she used you?

[donotpassgo]

22. lets see...

she left because (and this is my theory) she is from a small town, and she had some traumatic experiences with her family of late and was just overcome by fear. I think LA was too big for her. There was no one else.

She is young, 23.

I neever felt she took advantage of anything...she was quite thankful and greatful. In the end, I feel she took it for granted.

[Tinoire]

23. 23 is young

I can understand that she could have been afraid and overwhelmed in LA.

You know... Go with your heart. Just protect it. If she never took advantage of anything that's already a great sign. Sounds like you kept enough of an eye on her to be comfortable enough with her explanations.

Damn. I'll be an incurable romantic with Robb...

Go for it... 23 is young and deserves a second chance.

Just make sure you're not reading more into anything she says than you should. If unsure, ask her to clarify- women love to clarify!

I wouldn't open my heart to her just yet and let it all come gushing out though... No puppy eyes of love unless she gives them to you. If talk of love and romance occurs, remind her gently that she left and that while you care deeply, you need both of you to keep clear heads so that no one gets hurt.

I'll say a little prayer for you :) Really wishing you the best- you sound like a nice person.

[donotpassgo]

24. thanks tin.

n/t

[Tinoire]

25. Let us know how this turns out

And you know... PM me anytime. If you ever need to talk or anything- I'll be there...

Trust your heart but watch it too!

I can't tell you how many men I've met who are a total emotional waste when they grow older because they're still hurt over someone who broke their heart long ago and refuse to let go of the pain. That makes things so much harder for us older chicks! ;)

Just watching out for the girls in your future! ;)

Peace and here's looking at you!

[donotpassgo]

26. will do...

today is work day for us...not many revelations tonight. I'll keep ya posted.

I probably should have dealt with a situation like this when I was younger, but I've been in my own little world since I can remember. I thought I'd struck gold right then and there with her. Her being younger and all made me feel a bit more at ease. I feel like Benjamin from The Graduate around anyone my age or older. I'm only a few years older, but she was more experienced than me (experience does not make one mature, I guess).

Anyway...It'll be what it'll be.

[Tinoire]

30. Yeah... Unfortunately we can't time our experiences!

I'm really wishing you the BEST! You sound like a nice person and I really hope she appreciates you!

Peace :)

[donotpassgo]

27. will do...

today is work day for us...not many revelations tonight. I'll keep ya posted.

I probably should have dealt with a situation like this when I was younger, but I've been in my own little world since I can remember. I thought I'd struck gold right then and there with her. Her being younger and all made me feel a bit more at ease. I feel like Benjamin from The Graduate around anyone my age or older. I'm only a few years older, but she was more experienced than me (experience does not make one mature, I guess).

Anyway...It'll be what it'll be.

[Robb]

14. I'm an incurable romantic

The love of my life left -- or I left -- we split, anyhow, and barely talked to one another for (gasp) 8 years. And every (I think there were three) conversation in that time was cold, distant.

We happened to meet after all that time. And we came back together. Six months later we were married, and it's been six heavenly years since then.

This is the condensed version. But rest assured, if it's meant to be, no amount of idiocy on either of your parts will keep it from being. I speak with experience upon this.

[ursacorwin]

17. who knew

men were so romantic?

sigh...if you really think it's worth it to try, go for it. but be prepared, for both nice and not-so-nice words from her. it may be she was just running because she was afraid of (loving) you, but it could also be the case that she left because she didn't think there was anything to stick around for. she didn't say this (i assume) when she left, but if you confront her now, she may say it just to make things clear. time gives you bravery like that.

[donotpassgo]

19. the need more advice bump...

[enough]

28. The part I don't like about this

is her leaving for eight months and only being in touch 4 times,
AFTER telling you that she loved you before leaving. I agree with the posters who think she's not serious and was just wanting not to hurt your feelings, or -- more likely -- not wanting to cut off completely from something she MAY want to revisit later.

There are those who like to keep a lot of options open, which is fine, except when the options are human beings. She's not brave enough to be honest and face the present without a fall-back position (or two or three). I would guess there may be a few others around the country who are in just about the same position you are with her.

Granted she is young and doesn't quite understand what responsibilities we have to each other. She thinks she can escape the reality of life by never having to live her own life quite on her own.

Bob Dylan's line was cold water on my consciousness when I was behaving just like her at about her age:

"Nobody has to guess, that baby can't be blessed, till she finally sees that she's like all the rest."

Good luck -- let us know, now that you have us thoroughly hooked!

[donotpassgo]

29. she aint here to stay...

just to fulfill prior obligations. She didn't answer ANYONE's calls out here for months and then all of a sudden got the urge to come and visit.

:shrug:

[DemOverseas]

33. Play cool

She may make the first move. Let her know you are important and above playing the sorry ass. She will come around.