Married man in sexless marriage isn’t happy

[cowcommander]

Dear Harlan: I have been married for almost 23 years. I have two teenage children. My wife refuses any kind of intimacy with me, and we have not had sex (let alone any kind of intimacy) for the past 10 years of our marriage. I used to be able to count on having sex on Valentine's Day, my birthday and our anniversary, but now not even those days. We have gone to counseling, and my wife says she feels bad about us not having sex. She knows how much this issue has caused me pain, but she has stated that she will never have sex again. The counselor says that I need to be supportive of this and just be patient; maybe she will change her mind. The lack of sex is causing me to really hate her. Should I wait for her to turn around? Should I leave her now, or wait till the kids are gone? I just don't understand this. I have told her that I will have an affair, and she responded that I never would because I am loyal like a dog. - Loyal Like a Dog

Dear Loyal Like a Dog: Hating your wife isn't being loyal like a dog. Loyal dogs do not hate. I just feel so very sad for you and your wife. You sound like you're in bad marriage, but desperately don't want to be. While she might be thinking "For better or for worse," you might be thinking "It's only going to get worse." And you're both completely right. I don't know who picked this marriage counselor, but 10 years in a sexless marriage is called being patient. I'd find yourself another counselor who will tell you that you couldn't have been any more patient, compassionate and understanding. Don't invite your wife to these counseling sessions. Then, either commit to staying together in your sexless marriage or put together a detailed plan of what life will be like once you separate. It's time to do something. Stop hating and start living life again.

http://www.athensnews.com/ohio/print-article-32545-print.html

[HopeHoops]

1. Well DUH!

[rug]

2. Sexless threads in the Lounge are prohibited.

[tigereye]

15. he he

:rofl: good one rug! :thumbsup:

[NuclearDem]

24. Just because this thread is useless without pics

:evilgrin:

[dawg]

3. "loyal like a dog"

And it sounds like those words were spoken with contempt.

Just look at my username. It wasn't chosen just 'cause of college football. I'm loyal like a dawg, too. But that is a quality that many women (and men too, I'm sure) do not value. In fact, they have contempt for it.

:(

[seabeyond]

5. i love loyalty. oldest son says that is his best quality. integrity, nice, decent are all met with

contempt in this world, too.

[seabeyond]

4. why will she never have sex again. i hear shit like this often. a HUGE problem

but never the nitty gritty relevent shit. and then when i ask, am told, i dont know. what do ya mean "i dont know". at a councilor. married 23 yrs. no sex for a decade. and no one mentions WHY she does not ever want sex again

makes NO. sense. to me.

[dawg]

7. Don't understand the "don't want sex" thing.

If I were married to a woman, and I lost all interest in her sexually - no longer felt "in love" with her, but still liked her OK as a person - I would definitely still be willing to have sex with her, if only to satisfy her needs. Presuming I could, ahem, get up to do the job. And for women, that isn't even an issue. So I just don't understand. It's inconsiderate.

If I'm not hungry and you are, I'll still make you dinner. Assuming I give the least little damn.

[seabeyond]

8. right. i think that is why it is a pretty relevent part of the equation. nt

[Skittles]

23. I, for one, cannot have sex if I don't want to

that being said, I'm sure if I was married and never wanted sex I'd damn sure try to fix it....but then, that could be why I've never married :D

[tigereye]

16. yup...

[Deep13]

6. There is another option that might work for some.

Realize that sex and love aren't the same thing. Assuming everyone involved knows about it and agrees, he could simply have sex with someone else, but stay married.

[Yavin4]

11. Agreed. Go To A Professional and Get Serviced

Problem solved. If you ever read Dan Savage's sex advice column, he says this all of the time.

[dembotoz]

9. I know his pain

this could be me

[kath]

25. I know his pain, too

and this could also be me. :-(
Sucks.

[dembotoz]

37. so why the hell are we still there....million dollar question

[kath]

38. Stayed because of the kids.

Divorce is sooooo hard on children. He's a good dad, just sucks at the husband thing - should have joined a monastery, since he's basically asexual (faked an interest, I guess, long enough to make two babies, then that was pretty much it, and *totally* it for the past 10 years.)

Now kids are off at college, but if I got divorced I'd have no health insurance, and have been out of the work force for 9+ years. Ack.

[dembotoz]

39. pretty damn similar

you hand in there and hang in there and hang in there

and pretty soon the decade is gone.

You get the if you were this and if you were that.

Youngest is 15 and in a couple more years i will have no excuse for staying.....

[Lucian]

10. I would've divorced long before that.

Being in a relationship you're not happy with isn't good for anyone. And when you start getting feelings of hate, well that's when it's time to go.

[AngryAmish]

12. just lake a lover, idiot.

[pink-o]

13. Here'e the prob:

Female sexuality is neither lauded nor encouraged in our society. We women love sex, and honestly we're better at it than the guys--as evidenced by multiple orgasms and 2 different kinds as well! But when people are young, men and women are discouraged from real dialog on intimacy. And biology is destiny: young men get satisfied long before young women.

And with world religions telling us we're wanton and sinful--and society celebrating men as studs while shaming us as sluts--it's hard for women to ever talk about it. Some women are so detached from their own sexuality they don't even know what an orgasm is.

So consequently, men get what they want VERY QUICKLY in bed, then turn over and go to sleep, while women stare up at the ceiling and wonder what the big deal is.

Most women, when they get older, usually figure it out. But some just give up on sex altogether, and that sounds like the wife in this marriage.

Too bad. And also, she's probably angry at her husband for something that's been festering a long time--something he has no idea she's upset about. Until society truly values women, not undermining or scorning our opinions and feelings, things like this will continue to happen.

[tigereye]

17. well, I think most folks who have some ability to communicate with each

other about their sexual wants and needs and need for intimacy, should be able to work that through, discuss it and come up with some sort of solution.


I agree that there are, historically, many mixed signals given to women about their sexuality, and many reasons why some women, and probably some men as well, reject sexuality and have no language to discuss their feelings about it. But I hope it's not as common as you indicate.


The other odd thing is that we purport as a culture to be so open-minded about sex, while really there is an incredible amount of prudishness and puritanism underlying all that cultural obsession with sex. It's so bizarre. :crazy:

[seabeyond]

19. to me, that is the oddest in this mix the two extreme of puritan overlayed with obsession. nt

[seabeyond]

18. excellent post pinko. nt

[mwooldri]

22. +1 ...

Agree with you on 99% of what you posted. But I digress about women being better at sex than the guys... it's not better, just different.

However if men cared one iota about their female partners' sex life, they'd do something called "talk about it". Men should get fascinated about female sexuality, and vice versa. They should explore it, and yes as you say initially do what society does not - encourage it.

Besides, no matter the partner gender matchup, if both parties talk about sex, explore sex, work at sex, and don't give up and do giving as well as taking on both sides then sex is great for both parties. If it's a one way street then both sides will hit a roadblock as the street runs out of pavement in the end.

[Lucian]

26. So she's the problem then.

He should ditch her and move on. If she's not adult enough to talk out her problems, then she's not what he needs.

[Skittles]

28. I bet you get a lot

:rofl:

[pink-o]

29. No, I'm not blaming the woman. I'm blaming a society

Which can't allow true intimacy between men and women. In fact, as I was writing I thought for sure I'd get flamed by men who were pissed off that I said they finished too quickly. I didn't expect this to be inferred as a message to the chick to "man up" so to speak!

C'mon the Great Divide between the sexes is with us because it works for a corporate-run government. How much $$$ is made from people consuming useless products because they're trying to prove they're sexually desirable? (muscle cars, facelifts, and those things not so major). How much male sexual frustration is channeled into aggression on the battlefield or in the boardroom? Or with women: clothes, shoes, weight et al. The only beneficiary is The System, while the people fight each other.

Do I have to go there again? Okay, I will: compare our closest cousins, chimps and bonobos. Chimps are violent, territorial and aggressive. But bonobos are peaceful because whenever one gets upset or frustrated, another one engages him/her in sexual activity. Ergo, the fight is literally f**ked out of them, and there's no maiming no jockeying for the Alpha position.

Also no guilt, no shame for sexual desire. That would blow The System right out of the water, since we wouldn't be wasting time or money trying to make ourselves "better". We;d be too busy in bed!

IOW, make love, not war and we can make the world a better place. Who wants to start??

[Lucian]

30. We should be like bonobos then.

:)

[pink-o]

31. Oh, Yeah! Here's their wikipedia link, if you want details.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pygmy_chimpanzees

And remember: 1/6 difference in DNA between us and them!

[Avalux]

33. I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother which illustrates your post -

Ted and Robin dated at one time but now are just roommates sharing an apartment. They fight over everything, one day Robin gets an idea. Sex between them was really good when they dated, so she makes a deal with Ted that instead of letting issues get to the yelling point, they'll have sex instead. It works beautifully for awhile until they realize they're getting too emotionally attached.

[retread]

41. "..honestly we're better at it than the guys..." Females are the sex that have a body part

with only one function: pleasure!

"... men get what they want VERY QUICKLY in bed, then turn over and go to sleep, while women stare up at the ceiling and wonder what the big deal is.
.."
Maybe in a one night stand, but I suspect most men in a quality relationship would not be happy with this kind of situation. That's not to say it's not common, but I can't imagine it being very satisfying for the man either.

[tigereye]

14. they should have been referred to a sex therapist or something

Someone who says that they are never having sex again, or rarely wants to have sex either has a serious issue with their partner, or possibly a physiological problem with their sex drive/expression. And help is clearly needed. Hard to imagine someone or a couple never again enjoying the intimacy, pleasure and comfort of sex. :(

[Kaleva]

20. The woman has contempt for the man. "Loyal like a Dog"!!

I'd suggest the guy file for divorce and get on with his life.

[Name removed]

21. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[bluedigger]

27. I need more info.

He says he was getting it only three times a year for a long time before she shut him down completely 10 years ago. So if he has two teenagers, did he manage to get lucky twice during those infrequent occasions, or did she start shutting down after producing sufficient progeny? Lot of psychologically fertile ground there...:shrug:

(My ex threatened to shut me off once, and I told her she couldn't, because she didn't know where I was getting it. :evilgrin:

I was kidding. She wasn't...:banghead:)

[flvegan]

32. I don't know. Maybe he just sucks at it.

Screwing a lousy lay as an "obligation" for 13 years, and only 3 times per year for some of them...she may associate sex with a chore and be uninterested.

I really have no idea, I just wanted to take her side for some reason.

[Rabrrrrrr]

34. She got everything she wanted, and found out she still got it without the sex,

so yeah.

If you notice the waitress has stopped giving you a bill but feeds still feeds you, you'll stop opening your wallet.

I hate to blame the woman for it, because as seabeyond said, there's nothing about WHY she doesn't want sex, but my first thought is generally "She got the wedding, the house, and the kids, and everything she wanted, so she turned the fountain off." Selfish.

Maybe that isn't her motive, but I do know it happens. The old joke about "the sex was great and often until I married her."

I also agree with the other poster, can't remember who, who reminded us that we still tell women in our society (esp. amongst the religious folk) that they aren't supposed to enjoy sex, and if they do they're whores. So I think many women have an attitude of sex for pro-creation, and as a sort of wifely duty in the first couple years of marriage, but beyond that the constant sense of feeling dirty or sinful wears at them and they turn it off.

So hard to tell. It's too bad that after ten years of counseling the counselor seemed never to ask the question, "Why?"

Given that the counselor never asked her why, and that he told the hubby to be patient, and that they seemed to be okay with that makes mne wonder if their "counselor" is some asshole self-taught self-ordained fundy "pastor".

[safeinOhio]

35. Try the

oriental massage spas. Quick, cheap and safe happy ending, and the girls lie to you about how big and good you are. You'll walk around the house with a big smile on your face that will make her more attracted to you.

[jmowreader]

36. There could also be a pain issue for the woman

Some of y'all dry up, and it hurts after that.

A lot of KY would solve that problem, but seriously, I think the guy needs a different wife. If he tries having an affair without her consent she's going to divorce him and it's going to get VERY expensive. If he asks, she'll tell him no. Sue for "irreconcilable differences"--namely his dick still works and she doesn't care--and get someone who still likes sex.

[Iolanthe15]

40. Move on

My advice is to move on ; it will be better for everyone concerned! Marriage is an outdated arrangement , Your situation is very common and the reason is boredom (familiarity breeds contempt) Human beings are NOT Canadian geese they do not bond for life without a lot of compromise that this generation is just too selfish to make . We are frivilous creatures who tire of each other quite very quickly. MOVE ON and GOOD LUCK

[Love Bug]

42. Here's a few things he could try if they are serious about fixing this

1. Send her to the Dr for a checkup, including a check for hormone levels. She should be checked for depression, too. It could be she hates her life and is passively-agressively taking it out on him.
2. How's your hygiene? Been to the dentist lately? The gym?
3. How's her workload around the house? Is she exhausted at the end of the day because there's too much to do?
4. Is she on any medication that might interfere with her libido?
5. Is she a product of a repressive religion that expects women to "lie back and think of England"?
6. How is your intimacy in other areas? Do you date? Do you do anything romantic that doesn't look like you are just going through the motions in order to get laid?

It's also possible she is either asexual or has a low sex drive. I don't know if anything can be done about those.