I don't know how to put this

[kimi]

don't know if it's Lounge or GD material, but if it's GD stuff, I'm outta there. Don't know if I could handle the - whatever.

Here's the story. My ex is stationed in Afghanistan. He was prior military, after he retired he went with a civilian DOD contractor (NO, not Blackwater). He's been working medical issues primarily, for Afghan police forces. I can't get into it much more than that.

The dilemma is this. His interpreter has a wife who is very ill. She's been told that she'll die if she doesn't get advanced care in Saudi Arabia or the States, which is obviously out of their means. I don't know what the specific problem is, but have sent several "aid" packages for symptoms that she's experiencing. But beyond that, I can do nothing. I have sent presents to her - she wanted a baby doll to make dresses for - I did that, although having only boys myself, it was a distinctly different experience. I was happy to do it, though, for her. Her husband has made my ex's life - well, he's saved it several times over.

The dilemma is - how much and to what point do we put our finances and emotions on the line for these folks? We don't have unlimited resources ourselves, going through a break-up, and my ex seems to think that we do. I want to help, really, I do, but I don't know what we're in for here and he wants to go all out. I understand that, but when do I say "Hey, is there a line?"

I'm an optimist, I want to think that medical options always work, but from what I've heard so far, this woman has serious problems. There are kids involved, and that fact alone gives me nightmares, and hurts.

I don't think I'm dealing with this rationally at this point, and can't afford a therapist. Any input, please, would help.

Thanks.

[Crystal Clarity]

1. Well, I'd be careful here

I don't really understand what they are asking you to do. If it is financial help, you need to think of your own family first. If you can't afford to help w/out jeopardizing your own family's financial health, you probably shouldn't risk it, no matter how much you'd like to. That, I think is where the line should be drawn.

Are there other resources you can tap into on this woman's behalf? Even though your ex is no longer in the military, maybe you are still in touch w/military member's families who may have helped Afghan civilians in the past? Or maybe there is some sort of organization that helps these poor people w/basic needs and possibly even health care that you can contact? 'Doctors Without Borders' is the first thing that comes to mind but if they can't help, maybe there is some other kind of organization that can? http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org

It sounds like a sad situation, but you've already done some nice things for this woman, and maybe you can continue to be supportive in the same sort of way(s) you've already been. But unless you know specifically what they are asking of you, how can you actually know where to draw the line?

Good luck. Just by caring, you've probably already helped this woman more then you realize.

Edit: spelling

[mike_c]

2. with all due respect...

...the only really useful thing you can do for Afghans is get your husband to come home and stop supporting the murder of their people for MIC fun and profits. I mean that entirely without snark. Your husband is not part of the solution, and never will be.

[kayakjohnny]

3. You heart is totally in the right place, Kimi. That's for sure.

I wish I had the wisdom to help you with this. I can certainly sense the frustration and the desire to help.

Like Crystal Clarity said, be careful though. You do have to be concerned with your own life too.

It's sounds like you have shown a great deal of care already.

Maybe some more research will reveal a funding source, where your own personal finances wouldn't be affected.

It sounds like you have a big heart, but you're also being pragmatic and sensible too.

And that counts for a great deal.

I wish you all the best with this.

Please let us know how it turns out.

[grasswire]

4. maybe your ex has family who could help him with this

I mean, he is your *ex*. Although you keep using the word "we" when you talk about the two of you. Is it possible that he is being scammed somehow? Is he emotionally involved with these people in a way that indicates his judgment is impaired?

Maybe there's an online forum or message board where military families can talk about this sort of thing? I would get some advice from someone who might have heard of similar situations.

But you know that you can always bring your troubles here and someone will listen.

[Kali]

5. that is a heavy burden and a huge responsibility

but if you have the money I will be the oddball and say: It's just money - it might be a person's life. If you don't have it you just don't, there is nothing to feel guilty about. We will all die. We can't save everybody, sometimes not even ourselves. Do what you can and try not to feel remorse for any of it.

[kimi]

6. Thanks, everyone

You've all made good points, and I appreciate it. Doctors Without Borders is a good idea, and I don't know if they're anywhere near these folks, but I'll try to put that idea out there. I've supported the organization in the past, think that they do great things, so thanks, Crystal Clarity, it's a wonderful idea.

I think it's just hard to know exactly what's going on, from so far away. I do believe that hearts are in the right places, and there are no scams going on, but grasswire has a good point. I do belong to a military family board, I'll ask around there.

I do appreciate the encouraging words, and this is one situation where I just want to do more for someone, and can't, really. It just seems so -- wrong. I know that there's a limit to what can be done, but as in so many things in life, I'm having trouble defining the those limits.

Thanks, folks. I needed some input, and you all have given it, and given me things to think about.

[Redstone]

7. Jee-zus, Kimi. I'll have to think on this and get back to you tomorrow.

Redstone

[Recovered Repug]

8. The only thing I could suggest

would be trying to contact Doctors Without Borders. I think they have a hospital in Kabul and maybe they can offer better treatment or have a way to evacuate the man's wife.