Call me self-centered, but whenever I hear about couples splitting

[nadine_mn]

up after decades together (like Arnold and Maria, the Gores, etc) I panic. I know its unreasonable, and I know divorce is not contagious but I start to worry that oh shit our marriage is next.

I have been married to my husband for 12 yrs. My mom has been married and divorced 5 times (her longest marriage only lasted a couple of yrs) so I had hoped that once I crossed that threshold (getting to double digits) I could relax and think that I will be married forever.

We don't have any major issues (the occasional financial stressor, arguments over who is gonna clean up after the dogs etc) and no kids (with no plans to ever have any). We have been through some serious crises in our marriage and it has only made us stronger. So its a completely irrational fear I have.

There is just something so sad about spending more of your life together with someone than w/out them and then that's gone. I cannot imagine the sense of loss that must be like.

I have a hard time thinking its a mutual decision to split - you know someone was planning on leaving and the other was clicking along thinking everything was fine, or at least would work out. Maybe its a relief, I don't know, maybe it is truly a mutual decision.

I know I am just rambling - but does anyone else in a committed relationship feel the urge to hug their partner tighter whenever they hear about breakups?

[LeftinOH]

1. I'm not in a relationship- but it sure makes me wonder. The Gores (Al and Tipper)

were a huge surprise.

[pitohui]

2. i think it's very sad but what can you do

my parents divorced after 25 years together and since they still spend most of their time together, i was tempted to buy them a 50th wedding anniversary present awhile back but i'm not really a sarcastic person, i just have sarcastic thoughts sometimes

i think it's really strange when people who fit well together suddenly want two houses and double the expenses, and i'm guessing in most of these cases that there are younger sex partners in the picture that the rest of us never hear about

rich people in particular are GOING to have sexual temptations thrown at them all the time, from younger people who want to profit by splitting up the marriage, so a married "power" couple to stay married has to make a special effort to turn a blind eye to weak moments

our society rates having a young, beautiful woman as a sign of status, the pressures on celebrity males to trade in their older models for younger partners is enormous

but any man w. a bit of money in his pocket is a target

[Zorra]

3. Ever heard this song by Pink?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SKEp-H0Eqs

Who Knew? (Pink)

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right

I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah huh, that's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong

I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no no

I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong

But they knew better
Still you said forever and ever
Who knew? Yeah yeah

I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened?

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong

And that last kiss I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember

But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling, who knew?

My darling
My darling, who knew?
My darling I miss you
My darling, who knew?

Who knew?
:cry:

[bigwillq]

5. Love that song (nt)

[ScreamingMeemie]

4. My parents were married for almost 40 years at the time of their

divorce. I never really thought about it because I knew, from a very young age, that they were unhappy.

My husband I and I were married for 11 years and we had been together for 15 when everything happened. I hugged him tight every day because I never knew if it would be the last day I would see him. I always worried that something awful would happen to him...and then it did. That's what I worried about. Not divorce.

Hug your partner tight...because it might be the last hug you share. Now...him leaving the house knowing that I loved him is the only thing that I have left.

[nadine_mn]

7. I am so sorry

Whenever I am angry or tempted to hold a grudge I think of how much I love him and how lucky I am to have him - everything else seems petty in comparison

thank you for reminding me that to love the moments I have with him

[deutsey]

8. Sorry to hear of your loss

I do try every day to be thankful for my family. My grandfather died abruptly in a car crash the day after Christmas. It was before I was born so I never met him, but the repercussions of that accident have hung over me my entire life, reminding me of how fragile our lives really are.

[iris27]

6. I usually assume it's been quietly bad for a long time.

My parents split after 17 years of marriage, but there was never a time when they weren't having massive problems. Even in the very early years before any of us kids were born, there was abuse, lots of general screaming, and infidelity on both sides (to the point that I'm about 70% sure my biological dad is really a certain "family friend" of theirs).

Why did it take so long for them to actually divorce? Well, for my mother's part, she was just too stubborn to admit defeat. On my father's end, he decided to bide his time, went back to school while my mother paid the bills, squirreled money away in hidden bank accounts, etc. Then one day after a loud, stupid, scary argument much like every other loud, stupid, scary arguement they'd have multiple times a week, he left and never came back.




So, yeah, hearing these stories doesn't freak me out about my own relationship. Though I do tend to hug my partner tighter just out of appreciation for the amazing relationship we have and how lucky I feel to have at least one relationship that isn't fraught with drama (so unlike the ones I have with the rest of my family!).

[City of Mills]

9. Do it while you can

Hug your partner, anyway...I wish I could go back sometimes. But when communication breaks down and meaningful conversation consists primarily of the day-to-day decisions (rather than feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc) then you can 'lose' the connection with your partner. Good relationships need constant effort. Sometimes the decision can be mutual, albeit a bit more resentful or reluctant on one side or the other.

[Courtesy Flush]

10. I've had those feelings

We're in our fifties, and we're almost the last couple standing among our college friends. Not long ago our oldest friends split up. We've been married nearly 28 years, and they were married nearly as long, and we never knew they had problems.

My sweetie has terminal cancer now, and while she could live for several years, we have our hardest times ahead of us. But we have three decades of practice to fall back on, so I'm hoping we'll complete our wedding promises to each other to the letter.

Like you, I can't rely on lessons learned from my parents (unless you call them lessons on what not to do). My mom was married four times, and was a cheater. My wife's parents have been married nearly 70 years, so they're our role models.

[nadine_mn]

19. so sorry to hear about your wife's cancer

My grandparents (mom's side) were married for over 60 yrs and are/were our role models too. They both died of cancer within 6 months of each other - but were still in love and still bickering til the end.

I hope the best for you and your wife - sending vibes of strength and love to you both.

[hobbit709]

11. I have two close friends whose marriages broke up after over 25 years.

In both cases it was a matter of one partner deciding they didn't want to put up with it any longer.
The problems had been there for years.
Sometimes you feel relieved that it's over.

[Maraya1969]

12. Relationships are not products. There is no reward at the end. It is about today.

My lover died many years ago and I remember at one point feeling lucky to have had her in my life and to know that I could love someone. It was terrible that she died but if I had to do it all over again knowing what I know now......I would do it all over again.

[meow2u3]

13. My parents stayed together too long

Their marriage had been over long before my mom left my dad in 1980. There were only two reasons they stayed together under the same roof: money, or the lack thereof (it was impossible for my mom to get a job in NYC with the unemployment rate the way it was in the 70s), and ostensibly, "for the sake fo the kids", i.e., yours truly + brother & sisters.

Needless to say, we all saw through the sham which was our parent's marriage. Yet my parents never divorced; they merely legally separated, which allowed my mom to inherit my dad's pensions. Theirs was a gray separation.

I don't have marital problems--I never married.

[RockaFowler]

14. I know how you feel

I've been married for 10 years. THis is my first marriage, but it's my husband's 4th. My MOm has been married 3 times (but her latest with my Step-Dad has been for the past 25 years). My Dad has been married 4 times. My sister has been married twice. This is the longest marriage for my husband, so I think he's doing OK now.

[seabeyond]

15. my mom and dad married over 40 yrs before mom died. my inlaws hittin 50 yrs

my husbands sister married over 20 and his brother married over 20. all four of those good marriages, no appearance of problems.

that sure helps ones perspective.

i would imagine your situation creates a different view.

my post doesnt really matter, just reading your post brought out the two differences.

[RockaFowler]

20. I never see myself divorced, though

Maybe I just want to make this work because my Parents (even my sister) got it wrong.

[seabeyond]

21. i am 17 in

and it has been amazingly easy. hubby and i joke about how easy marriage is compared to what we hear. neither of us like to argue and fight. makes me sick, and he refuses. neiher of us want to control the other, we trust each other to do ourselves better. he wants the best for me, i want the best for him, so we both get the best.

and about the rest, goes along the wayside.

that being said, one never knows what tomorrow will bring. but i know it will be alright. i have a lifetime to know and have confidence that it will be alright. so i am not fearful of tomorrow.

if he were to walk tomorrow, i would thank him for a fun 17 and best to ya.....

(i dont think i do emotional attachment well)

it truly is yours to create. has nothing to do with your mom and sister, i agree

[nadine_mn]

18. thank you - I feel less silly

I know how important it is to live in the moment (like many other responses have mentioned) but there is this irrationality that made me feel like I was the only one.

Sometimes it takes a few mistakes (in your husband's case 3) to realize what you want and how to make it work...

[dawg]

16. Just love your partner and don't take them for granted .... that's all you can do.

It's hard for some people to accept, but there are no guarantees in life.

[nadine_mn]

17. But I want that damn guarantee..lol

I know it sounds naive and silly, but I know to take it one day at a time and make the most of it

[dawg]

22. It's not silly.

I want the guarantee, too. I want to look into her eyes, and just know that I'm the *one* for her, and that the two of us have moved on to the happily ever after part of our lives.

It's not silly at all. Maybe a little naive, but not silly.

I still believe that is out there for me ....... somewhere.

[Old Troop]

23. After 32 years of completely monogonous marrige, I still can't tell you

the secret. It may be as simple as we laugh at each other and ourselves a lot.