My old rabbit died. And I wasn't there.

[kimi]

I went to CA this past weekend to see my son graduate from missile school at Vandenberg AFB, he's on his way to MT now. On the way back I stopped for 3 days to see a friend in Phoenix. Got back tonight and found out from my boy who lives with me that Smoky passed 2 nights ago, peacefully - but he passed and I wasn't there, and I should have been if I hadn't stopped in AZ. We've had Smoky for 10 years, he was 11 years old and the last of the bunch of bunnies we got at the MD State Fair right before Sept 11th. He seemed to be fine when I left, he lived in a nice hutch upstairs, and was out every night, hopping around and munching his nightly Lucky Charms. He was a spry old guy. I remember thinking when I walked out the door to catch my flight to CA - "I've got to get some pics of the old guy before . . . ", well, you know. And now I can't.

Kevin told me about this in Baggage Claim in the airport in Des Moines and I just started crying in front of everyone and I don't think I've gone 5 minutes in the 3 hours since without crying. I'm glad Kev was with him, but I should have been, too.

Thanks for reading. I don't know how else to process this except by writing it down. And shoving more Kleenex up my nose.

RIP Smokestack.

[bluesbassman]

1. Feel for you kimi. Rabbits are sweet pets.

My daughter had a brown Rex (oddly enough named Brownie :) ), and one night he got on the bad side of a raccoon. Wasn't much for the vet to do but help him pass comfortably. My daughter was devastated. I was broke up a bit too. Little buggers capture your heart.

:hug:

[kimi]

2. Thanks, bluesbassman

Smoky was a Mini Rex, kinda odd though, cause he was bigger than most of the other rabbits we had - nothing mini about him atall. And he had personality, oh yeah. They do capture the heart, I totally get what your daughter felt.

Thanks again.

[idiotgardener]

3. It's not your fault you weren't there

You were there for 10 years and gave him a good life. That's important.

[kimi]

4. Thanks, really

I guess there's always an element of guilt whenever a pet passes - well, for me anyway. And my son says the same thing - I gave him a good life, so there's that. Right after we got him from his breeder at the fair, we went to her place to get some hay that he was used to - amazing place, and kind of alarming. HUGE barn near Frederick MD, filled with cage upon cage stacked to the ceiling with bunnies. Kind of a "bunny mill", really. And Smoky always had issues - specially with his paws, his nails were always growing weirdly, cork-screwy. But he was just so sweet, followed me around the upstairs like a dog, almost. The cats (I have 6) were in awe of him, some would sit and groom him too, which I think he liked.

I'm just gonna miss him, I've said good-bye to so many things this year - marriage, a residence, a cat, 2 other bunnies, a relationship. I'm feeling grief that I didn't expect. And I have so many regrets, for all of it, but this loss has just sort of crystallized it.

Just trying to make sense of it. Thanks for listening :)

[idiotgardener]

9. OK, now I'm in awe of you...

that's an awful lot of stuff for one year :-(

I'm familiar with the guilt. You wonder if you did enough for them, if you could have missed a sign something was wrong, if you should have been there more... but I think the fact that you're asking yourself those quesitons is a pretty good indication that you provided a good life for that rabbit, and I'm sure your bunny knew you cared.

And hopefully you aren't getting animals from bunny mills anymore ;-)

[TuxedoKat]

5. Ah so sorry

for the loss of your beloved Smoky. Rabbits are wonderful pets. (((HUGS)))

[kimi]

10. They are, yeah.

Initially I wasn't so certain about getting bunnies for the kids, it was the ex's idea. Kind of a "responsibility" test, but since the kids were so young, well, it didn't work out so well. In the beginning years, they were all outdoors in hutches. I was the one who ended up going out every morning and cleaning the hutches (at the high point - cause rabbits can breed through cage mesh, who knew? - we had 13) so it was an hours-long thing every day and just became a routine. But I got to know them individually and loved em all. Through the years they left, and so losing Smoky is kind of the end of an era.

Thanks for the hug, I needed that!

[lukasahero]

6. I'm so sorry, kimi

:hug:

[kimi]

11. Thank you.

It's setting in now, but still really sad. I'm gonna miss the old guy.

Appreciate it, really.

[muffin1]

7. I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[kimi]

12. Thank you, really.

I know that so many people here lose pets - gain them, too, which is great, I love hearing about that - and sharing loss somehow makes it easier to bear. For me, anyway.

[Patiod]

8. Let's have a picture of the dear little bun if you have one.

Sounds like Smokestack was a well-loved little guy who lived a happy little bunny life.

[kimi]

14. My sweet old guy

This was taken the night we moved into our new place in Ames, Iowa. It had been a long non-stop trip from Maryland, and he was only too thrilled to get out of his cage and hop around.

I had left town last week thinking I could come home and take some pics of him, but no. Still, I looked through my files, and was glad to see that I had taken some pics of him, as well as the cats, exploring the new place. Pics don't replace the pet, but I'm glad for them, anyway.

[lukasahero]

23. So sweet.

Sadly, I now tell everyone to take lots and lots of pictures and videos of their treasured pals because, I also thought I had more time with a cherished friend. I'm glad you have some pictures to remind you in years long from now of your sweet old guy.

[Patiod]

41. Too cute

Looks like a happy bunny

[GreenPartyVoter]

13. I'm so sorry. *hugs*

[kimi]

15. Thank you, GPV

I know that you know what it's like, so many of us do. It's really sinking in today. I'm just sad. :( Miss the old boy.

[GreenPartyVoter]

22. Yeah. So many DU animal friends have crossed that rainbow bridge. I saw

Pretzel this week in some old home videos I was watching. Kinda got me feeling sad again for a little while.

I hope that time is kind to you and helps you heal. :hug:

[Demoiselle]

16. He knows you loved him. And cared for him.

I truly believe that. All my sympathy.

[kimi]

24. I like to think so

Thank you. I get so much sympathy and support here from you all, heartbreaking events really are eased. I appreciate that.

[hedgehog]

17. Never feel bad because you loved another creature.

[kimi]

25. Ya know, I picture people thinking . . .

"It was a rabbit, what's the big deal?" But never from anyone here. I loved that boy a whole heckuva lot. Trying to find a silver lining here, and DU Lounge is really giving me that. So, thank you.

[frogmarch]

18. Ohhh, so sorry, kimi.

Losing a beloved pet is painful. I'm so sorry your dear old bunny Smoky is gone.

Smoky must have known you loved him, and it sounds as if he had a super-great life and enjoyed it to the fullest. I hope you can find comfort in this.

[kimi]

26. I'm trying to find comfort

Folks here are giving me a lot of that. Sometimes we can't find it in ourselves but when other people offer it, it just appears. (Okay, that doesn't seem to make sense, maybe.)

I think he enjoyed his life, though. I'd put him on the floor at night - his usual running-around time - and he'd shake himself all over. It was a ritual with us - I'd set him down and say "Shake, baby, shake it!" and he'd do just that. Those little things, I'll miss.

Thanks.

[SammyWinstonJack]

42. awww

:cry: :hug:

[tabbycat31]

19. I am so sorry

He was a beautiful bunny (I always loved rabbits). I also know the pain of a beloved pet dying when not there to say goodbye.

[kimi]

27. Thank you

Yeah, that is what bothers me, I feel like I should have been there. But I'm glad that someone was with him who cared about him. It's heartbreaking how many animals pass with no one there to hold them and say good-bye, when they give us so much. I take comfort in that, that my boy was with him.

[Curmudgeoness]

20. I am so sorry that you lost Smokestack, and were not there.

Things just happen that way. He was healthy up to the end, and that is a blessing. And he went peacefully. He will never be gone as long as you have him in your memory and heart, and I know you do. Sometimes it just hurts, and that is ok, but don't beat yourself up over this. He had a wonderful long life.

:hug:

[kimi]

28. He did, yeah!

11 years for a bunny is a long time, I've heard. And that's true, he will never be gone really, in my heart.

Funny old snuffly guy. This is the first night that I won't have him out hopping around terrorizing the cats and poking his silly old nose into everything.

Thanks for the hug, it helps more than you know that people here care.

[Arugula Latte]

21. I'm sorry. I've got a little bun myself I'm attached to.

He showed up in the yard one day and we didn't want the coyotes to eat him. Cute little guy and very sweet.

[kimi]

29. They are charming critters, in their way.

I never thought that before we got 5 of them at the MD State Fair in 2001, 2 Mini-Rexes, 2 Jersey Woolys, and a Black and Tan. They all had their own little quirks of personality and all, and they grow on ya, more and more.

I'm glad you rescued your guy from the coyotes. Coyotes don't appreciate bunny personality, do they?

Thanks.

[BlueJazz]

32. I'm so sorry for your lose. My buns are getting up in age and I cherish..

....every day with them. They truly are Family and Friends.

[kimi]

34. You know, I've been really touched

at how many people realize what personalities these little animals have. Maybe they don't purr or fetch balls, but they are unique and fun to have around. Thank you for your thoughts, and I hope you have lots of time yet with your buns.

[Avalux]

30. I'm so sorry....you had no way of knowing he woud pass.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I had bunnues as a kid and now my daughter has one in a hutch in our home. They are wonderful little creatues. Take care. :hug:

[kimi]

35. Thank you

I really didn't know. I wonder sometimes if it's a good thing or not, to know what's coming, but that's a whole other philosophical issue. It's really sinking in now. They ARE wonderful little creatures.

My best to your daughter's bun. :)

[catzies]

31. Most people don't know that bunnies can live a very long time. You had 10 great years. Condolences.

My daughter had bunnies she got in junior high and when she moved out when she was 22 they stayed with me until they died of old age. The older one went first; he was 9 1/2. The second one died of a broken heart a week later; she was 9.

May you be comforted by the wonderful loving memories of your precious rabbit. :hug:

[kimi]

36. Thanks, that's really sweet of you

Two of our herd did die within a couple of months of each other - they'd been long-time hutch-mates, and try as I could, the one left behind when the first passed just never was the same. I think she absolutely mourned her roomie being gone.

The memories are a little bittersweet right now, but I've lost pets before, and I know that eventually those memories turn into gems that I can count on for comfort.

Thank you for the hug, it means a lot.

[Withywindle]

33. My condolences, I am so sorry.

My beloved cat Marlowe, 14 years old, passed away when I was literally on the other side of the world. I remember it so well - I was in Chiang Mai, Thailand, with my mom (an international dance teacher; on rare occasions, I get to go with her) when I went to an internet cafe and read an email from Greg, my boyfriend at the time letting me know Marlowe was very ill and he was rushing him to the vet in the morning. Marlowe had diabetes, I knew that, but I thought it was managed OK. I started crying right away - I just had a bad feeling. It was all I could think about.

There's a 12-hour time difference; I remember calling Greg at the wee hours of the morning Thai time, when Greg was on his lunch break, and he didn't want to tell me but finally let me know that Marlowe had passed at the vet's office that morning.

I didn't know what to do. I thought of cancelling the rest of my trip (I had two weeks still to go) and getting a last=minute flight home; Mom was willing to help me pay if that was my choice, but both she and Greg thought I shouldn't. I felt awful that Greg had to deal with it alone, and I felt alone where I was. But ultimately, I decided to finish out my planned trip. After all, going back early wouldn't bring him back, and a 20-hour flight isn't undertaken lightly.


It was so weird to come back to the apartment without him, though. I don't think the reality of it ever sank in until I collected the box with his ashes (which I still haven't opened 6 years later). I feel lucky because I do feel I had communications with Marlowe the night before he died in the form of a VERY vivid dream, and a sense of the touch of his little wet pink nose in meditation in a Buddhist temple I went to when I first heard he was so very sick and maybe failing.


Writing it down is good. Also the feeling of being with people who understand is good. Honestly, I think my kitty CHOSE to pass over when I wasn't there; he was always stubborn and willful and he might have thought that was best for both of us. He might have even been right. Maybe Smoky thought the same. Animals don't have the same ways of thinking that we do, but they have a lot of love and very deep instincts.

:hug: :hug: :hug: for you and Smoky and Kevin.

[kimi]

37. Wow

I've been to Chiang Mai, as a kid, in the 70's. My dad was stationed in Bangkok at the embassy there, and we flew there on one of those Air America flights (okay, he was CIA, but don't tell anyone). I remember it as a beautiful place, I hope to go back one day.

I hear ya, too, about the communication. I feel things sometimes, and it can't be imagination, it's too real, you know?

Thank you for your hugs. I absolutely agree, animals have a different perception of the world than humans do. I believe - I have to believe - that Smoky knows how much I love him, and how sorry I am that I wasn't with him when he left.

Really, sharing with people has given me a lot of comfort. I'm sad, but I know that that is normal. Missing him and grieving will take time, but -- well, that is what it is.

Thank you for the hugs. I'm sorry about Marlowe but I'm sure he's around you in spirit. :)

[Withywindle]

38. It's a beautiful city with a very rich history

much more so than Bangkok.

But that's not the point. The point is, your bunny friend. I'm glad you had a few pictures to post - he was adorable! I'm sure he also knew he was very much loved. Here's to Smoky: :toast:


It's really, really deeply unfair that the animals we love so much have such short lifespans, while so many loathsome humans keep on going. But I suppose it's so that those of us who love animals can share our hearts with many over our lifetimes.

I'm glad to be able to help you even a little. The animal lovers of DU know how much it hurts when we lose a little friend--but we keep taking them in with us anyway, because the love they give us is worth anything, even grief like this.

:hug:

[sakabatou]

39. Didn't know that they could live that long

*hugs*

[kimi]

44. Yes, it's a long time

I've read differing timespans. 6 - 10 years seems to be the consensus, and indoor rabbits live longer than outdoor bunnies, which makes sense. He only became an indoor bunny about 3 years ago, when the daily chore of cleaning multiple rabbit hutches in all kinds of weather finally got to me.

Thank you for the hug.

[CottonBear]

40. I'm so sorry for your loss. He must have been a wonderful companion and pet.

:hug:

[kimi]

45. He was, really

In his later years, he took to following me around whenever I was in the area and he was out hopping around. Maybe he was looking for Lucky Charms or carrot snacks, but I like to think he enjoyed having his ears rubbed and being patted too.

Thank you for your condolences. I've been really touched at how people care, and appreciate it very much. :)

[applegrove]

43. Sounds like the little guy had a great life with you.

[kimi]

46. Thanks, I hope so

I'm slowly getting over the idea that I could have changed anything by coming back earlier from my trip.

I really loved the little guy and miss him a lot.

[applegrove]

48. I know, I know.

:pals:

[woo me with science]

47. I'm so sorry.

What a sad story. I am sorry you weren't with him at the end, but I know he knew you loved him.