its... Lunabush's Lame joke of the Gungeon for Tuesday

[Wickerman]

You know the rules, the joke must somehow, no matter how weakly, pertain to the issues of Justice and/or Public Safety. Guns, legal system, and incarceration are fair game. Reflective of recent posting trends, feel free to post sword, knives and potato gun jokes. Lawn darts remain banned.




Ok, here goes a bonus - a cartoon and a joke! ---




A little boy ran home from school on the first day and pestered his mother into taking him to a gunshow. Always the willing and eager to please mother she agreed. When they got there he insisted that she buy him a handgun. 'But why do you need a gun?' asked his mother. 'Because
teacher told us she was going to teach us to draw tomorrow.'

[NorthernSpy]

1. thank you for the joke

'Because
teacher told us she was going to teach us to draw tomorrow.'


You mean like, "draw; aim; fire!"?

If that's what you mean, then it's a funny joke, and I appreciate it.

If that's not right, then it's still a funny joke, except that I don't get it.

Thank you for the joke, Lunabush! :)


Mary

[MrBenchley]

2. Good one!!

Two hunters played lawn darts went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "I'll start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

[NorthernSpy]

3. LOL!

:)

[iverglas]

4. How about hockey pucks?

Found on the net, because I had to. But altered to make it mine own.

News Anchor Peter Jennings, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a US Marine were hiking through the desert one day when Iraqis captured them. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Peter Jennings said, "Well, I'm a Canadian, so I'd like a bucket of ice to put my feet in so I can feel the frostbite set in one more time before I die." The leader nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the ice. Jennings put his feet in, shivered and turned blue, and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, broke free and pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, then shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M16, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!" said the Marine, "And have you liberal assholes call ME the aggressor??".

But what we really need today, of course, is hockey jokes. Really old hockey jokes.

What's round and purple and plays hockey?
Andy Bathgrape.

What's long and yellow and plays hockey?
Stan Chiquita.

And my very own:
What's brown and lumpy and plays hockey?
Phil Espotato.

Hmm. And in honour of the 20-year veteran who won his first Stanley Cup last night, even if it was in the service of the damn yankees:

What's small and furry and plays hockey?
Dave Andwoodchuk.

hahahaha.

But, of course, none so funny as our great leader's.

[MrBenchley]

5. That reminds me...

Rambo is captured by the evil Iraqis who announce they're going to put him to death....but because he was such a brave warrior, they will let him go if he can pass three tests.

First, they have an entire tent full of hashish he must smoke in one hour....then they have a pit that holds a starving lion with an impacted tooth that he must remove with his bare hands...and finally, there's a tent with 72 virgins and he must satisfy all of them sexually within 24 hours.

So Rambo goes into the first tent and smokes all that hashish...and comes out and dives into ther lion pit. There's a tremnsous howling and yowling and dust is flying. It goes on and on and on and on and on....and finally it quiets down and Rambo crawls out of the pit, clawed half to death and bleeding from huge lion bites.

"Okay, shiek," he says. "Where are these girls with the toothaches?"

[Sporadicus]

6. Miss Manners Mentions Our Legal System

We have two regulatory systems: legal and etiquette. The legal system
prevents us from killing each other. The etiquette system prevents us
from driving each other crazy. --Judith Martin

[Wickerman]

7. uh, where are all the jokes?

I thought the gungeon was a cornerstone of DU humor?

I mean, all the time when folks ask me what forum I moderate and I tell them the gungeon, they say, without fail, "Oh, the Gungeon, that is a funny place." When I laugh they laugh too - though sometimes it nervously and it often seems they back away while they chuckle...

[MrBenchley]

8. Ask and ye shall receive....

Three hunters walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks.
The first hunter says: "I think they're deer tracks."
The second hunter says: "No, I think they're bear tracks."
The third hunter says: "You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!"
Then they get hit by a train.

[alwynsw]

9. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says,

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[Wickerman]

10. Hunter heading out on safari

A sportsman, a great hunter, went on a big game safari. He purchased the biggest guns, the greatest equipment money could buy and eagerly boarded his chartered plane to fly the oceans to his tropical destination.

About 2 hours over the Pacific the plane's engines quit. The pilots advised their passenger that his best chance of survival was to use the one available parachute.

He jumped, pulled the rip cord and settled in for along descent into the unknown. As luck and a strong wind would have it he was pushed through the air to a small, and uncharted island.

The island had abundant life, caves and trees for shelter, and for some reason, even fresh drinking water.

Its not much, but he was alive - time passes.

One day the sportsman, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blond woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swing, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The sportsman, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God!"

"Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

[MrBenchley]

11. LOL!!

One of my favorite writers, Joanna Russ, once wrote a short short science fiction story as a thumb in the eye to Robert Heinlein and his acolytes. It's set the future when "liberals" have taken over, and this big game hunter gets thawed out of the cryogenics lab where he's been kept and made healthy again...he wants to hunt, but people have reverence for life...he wants to skydive, they don't want him to, he wants to go shark-hunting, and he can't do that.

And so he makes this eloquent speech about how unsatisfying life is without the primal urge of risking one's own life in a struggle against nature and your own weakness....

So they give him testicular cancer...

[FrontPorchPhilosophr]

12. Democrats vs Republicans vs Southern Republicans

>
> Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?
>
> What with elections coming up, we should all decide.
>
> Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats,
> Republicans and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question:
>
> You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Democrat's Answer:
>
> Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
> Does the man look poor or Oppressed?
> Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
> Could we run away?
> What does my wife think?
> What about the kids?
> Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
> his hand?
> What does the law say about this situation?
> Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
> Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
> this send to society and to my children?
> Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
> Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
> If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
> Should I call 9-1-1?
> Why is this street so deserted?
> We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a
> happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
> This is all so confusing!
> I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Republican's Answer:
>
> BANG!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Southern Republican's Answer:
>
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....(sounds of reloading).
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

> Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??"
>


:evilgrin:

[FrontPorchPhilosophr]

13. Then Southern Republicans Shoot Bear....

> > A priest, a Pentecostal minister, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students at Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They'd get together once a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day somebody commented that preaching to people was easy but it would be a real challenge to preach to a bear. So they agreed they do a 7-day experiment..go find a bear and preach to it. A week later they got together to discuss the experiment.

> > Father O'Flannery, who was on crutches, and had his arm in a sling went first. "Well" he said, in his fine Irish brogue, "I went oot inta tha woods to find me a bear, and when I found him I began to read to him from the Baltimore Catechism. Well, that bear wanted naught to do with me and began to slap me about. So I quick grabbed my holy water and anointed him and Praise be the Lord, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming next week to give him his first communion and confirmation.

> > Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair with one arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "Well, brothers, you know we don't sprinkle, we DUNK. I went out and found me a bear and began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD. But the bear wanted nothing to do with me so I took hold of him and we began to rassle. We rassled up one hill and down another till we came to a CRICK. So, quick I DUNKED him and baptized his HAIRY SOUL. Just like that he became gentle as a lamb and we spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God HOLY WORD."

> > Then Father O'Flannery and Reverend Billy Bob looked down at the rabbi who was lying in a hospital bed, in traction, with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

> > The rabbi looked up and said "Oy, preaching to the bear was easy, but he got a bit touchy about the circumcision."
> >
> >


:hippie:

[mosin]

14. The Southern Democrat's Answer

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??"

They left off the Southern Democrat's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

A Southern Democrat wouldn't need to reload. :)

I do carry a .40 Glock loaded with Winchester 155gr Silver Tips. :) Of course, the magazines hold 13 rds, not 9. Maybe he was carrying a G27.

[FrontPorchPhilosophr]

15. MY Kinda Democrat!

N/T

}(

[MrBenchley]

16. Trigger-happy and near-indistinguishable from a Southern Republican

We used to call them Dixiecrats...most left the party when the Gipper and Strom Thurmond did.

Zell Miller's still fouling the scuppers down somewhere below decks.

[Hrumph]

17. IDPA Answer:

BANG BANG..BANG
<reload>
<reholster>
Wife: "Time! 1.93, 1 point down! Good shootin', honey!"

[Wonk]

18. A week later and no new tuesday joke thread? Ok, I'll kick this one with

http://www.nra-kkk.org/