mr. unblock, there's a break-in downstairs. your family is under attack!

[unblock]

hmm. i think i'll let my children finish reading their bedtime story to me. that should take about seven minutes. then i'll spring into action and hang around for another half hour or so. then i'll call a cab and drive around really far out of the way. when i get there, i'll call another cab and drive around to another really out of the way place.

in a few days, i'll visit the scene of the crime and make sure there's no investigation. i'll announce who i declare did it and i'll bomb a neighborhood none of them came from. i'll say their leader is the most evil criminal ever, and responsible for this and other crimes and is planning far worse, and he's now wanted dead or alive. unless i can't find him, in which case i'll simply deem him irrelevant and let him go on his merry way.

then i'll attack another neighborhood that also had nothing to do with the break-in but it does have lotsa loot. the leader of that neighborhood is on parole and has been constantly monitored ever since he got busted years ago by my own daddy. he couldn't sneeze without us knowing about it. i'll just lie and say he's planning some elaborate attack right under our noses. and i'll accuse him of having something to do with break-ins in general. the neighborhood won't have water and electricity for years after the attack, but they'll thank me because being attacked by outsiders is better than being attacked by someone from your own neighborhood.

and if you don't agree with anything i do, you're a traitor and you're siding with the people who did the break-in.

just remember, i'm the one who will keep you safe!
if you even think about anyone else, you'll get attacked again for sure!

[Sparkly]

1. Gosh, I hope you get some help from some other towns or states

in your effort to attack that other neighborhood. Who wouldn't want to join you? Just tell 'em "Freedom's on the March!" That oughta work.

[unblock]

2. i don't need no stinkin' neighbors to help. they're all french anyway.

besides, the guy three doors down offered the assistance of his attack gerbil. very kind of him to offer out of the kindness of his heart. all i did was promised to mow his lawn for a year or burn down his house. his choice. nice guy.

[cheshire]

3. Where the hell is that loot?

[unblock]

5. all that loot is now in my uncle dick's safe, we're protecting it.

of course it's very expensive finding all that loot, and protecting it and all. uncle dick's company is making a lot of money on that. but the loot is all for going back into making that neighborhood a better place. uncle dick's company can help with that, too. some of the loot will have to get spent on that so hey, uncle dick's company can wind up with some of the loot! funny how that works!

[RevolutionStartsNow]

4. Well don't be surprised, then,

when the members of your household band together and kick your ass out onto the street for screwing that up so badly. You might want to look for a new place to live sometime around Nov. 3.

[unblock]

6. they'd never do that, that would be asking for another break-in

besides, i'm a man of jesus.

[Don Claybrook]

7. Wonderful analogy! Nominated. n/t

[unblock]

8. nominated, thanks!

you can look forward to a share of the loot.
not that there's any quid pro quo here.

[Don Claybrook]

9. Oh...I stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you

Make no mistake about it. I believe that you even mentioned me in your State of the Neighborhood speech. If you recall, I live in an Airstream trailer at the KOA down the road, and my neighborhood sent you a letter opener and two rocks for the, um, war effort. We're indespensible.