‘Stonehenge boy’ probably killed by early Daily Mail readers

[T_i_B]

http://newsarse.com/2010/09/29/stonehenge-boy-probably-killed-by-early-daily-mail-readers/

After tests revealed that the remains found at Stonehenge belonged to a teenager from one of those countries where they are are slightly browner than us, suspicion for his death has been aimed at early Daily Mail readers.

The bones belong to a teenager who died 3,550 years ago and who was raised around the Meditteranean, most likely with skin dark enough to raise suspicion in most people of below average intelligence.

Archaeology expert William Morris told reporters, “Three thousand years ago Daily Mail readers were not bound by the social conventions they find so constricting today, like not killing people they’re a little bit scared of for no good reason whatsoever.”

“In all likelihood they would have chased this boy across the moors with burning torches and copies of whatever the Daily Mail was at this point, before beating him to death and burying him in a hole before they could catch something ‘forrin’.”

[muriel_volestrangler]

1. Excellent!

I did laugh out loud.

[dipsydoodle]

2. Nice find

Clever how they've copied the Beeb's home page.

Todays classic : Stop acting like Americans, America warns Americans

America has urged US citizens travelling to Europe to go against all their instincts when visiting tourist areas and not behave like loud-mouthed obnoxious arseholes.

The warning, which follows the news that Al Qaeda are planning commando-style attacks on any people who look a bit American, includes guidelines and tips on how to remain safe such as ‘Sit down’ and ‘Shut up’.

The US government said, “We fully appreciate that any patriotic American sat in a restaurant in Europe will consider it their duty to make everyone in the building fully aware that if they were to order a steak back home it would arrive at their table the size of a bouncy castle.”

“But in light of the threat of attacks we would advise them to fight every natural urge in their body, and try to remain quiet.”

http://newsarse.com/2010/10/04/stop-acting-like-americans-america-warns-americans/

:rofl:

[whathehell]

3. A "classic' for about eight years running...Brits worst tourists in the world.

Do avail yourself of the articles listed here on British tourists..


http://www.google.com/search?q=brit+worst+tourists&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=ie7&rlz=1I7GWYE

Hell, I'm not even fond of those here on DU.:rofl:

[T_i_B]

4. LIFE CAN SURVIVE ON ARSENIC AND PRODUCE A NEWSPAPER, SAY EXPERTS

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-%26-technology/life-can-survive-on-arsenic-and-produce-a-newspaper%2c-say-experts-201012033313/

NASA scientists have discovered life that can survive at the bottom of an arsenic-filled lake and publish a daily newspaper

The faeces can be found at the bottom of lakes and in railway stationsThe bizarre life forms are able to ingest the substance, poisonous to carbon-based life, and then use it to produce at least 90 pages of full colour newsprint, six days a week.

Nasa biologist, Dr Nathan Muir, said: "These creatures seem to be metabolising this high-strength poison which they then excrete through their anus in the form of printed pages.

"This faeces, also highly toxic, is then digested by other creatures at the bottom of the lake and their arsenic-ridden waste is then eaten by the organisms that excreted the pages, which is in turn metabolised and used to make more faeces, and so on. I call it the 'circle of poisonous, shit-eating life'."

[muriel_volestrangler]

5. And this bit is true - it's on the Mail's site today:

He added: "If we examine today's faeces under a microscope we can see a story about how England's World Cup bid failed because it included a video that features lots of happy black children.

"This sort of poisonous excrement cannot be the result of a carbon-based biological process. Only by metabolising high-strength undiluted toxins at the bottom of a rancid, stinking lake can you produce a headline such as 'Was this the video that cost us? The very un-English presentation screened to FIFA delegates'."

Yeah, the Mail has a piece saying the problem was that the English video lost the World Cup for us because it didn't have pictures of guardsmen and 'bobbies' (apart from tourists, and the tabloid 'bobbie on the beat' phrase, has anyone called them bobbies since WW2?). The idea of showing supporters of English football teams from around the world wasn't what FIFA wanted, apparently - the Mail knows they wanted century-old cliches, in the drive to expand football to new places.