I had a major revelation this morning: Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior

[BurtWorm]

Alleluia and amen. Praise God and Jesus' name.

I urge my former fellow atheists to get down on their knees and beg God's forgiveness for their sins. Accept Jesus into your heart. I am talking to you.

I am born again, as of April 1, the two thousand ninth year of our lord.

Amen.

[we can do it]

1. well bless your little heart

[BurtWorm]

2. Praise Jesus.

Jesus Jesus Jesus...

[kid a]

3. please send me $100

[BurtWorm]

4. God have mercy on your soul.

Amen.

[walkaway]

5. If I were you I would worry about my own sins.

What is wrong with you people? Enjoy your own delusions but how dare you assume I have sinned. If this is how you deal with your own guilt that's fine. It's difficult to be happy for someone who just insulted me.

[BurtWorm]

7. The Lord Jesus God Almighty, may His Name be praised, commands me to witness his mercy

God have mercy on your soul praise Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesity Jesity Jeezus!

[moggie]

8. I see no insult here

And remember: "The fool hath said in his heart, there is no God".

[edhopper]

6. I guess

people don't remember the date. :-D

[BurtWorm]

9. God bless you.

Jesus commands me to always remember the date.

[walkaway]

10. Gosh, I'm sorry. I just can't stand Jesus. He's dead, it's over!

[BurtWorm]

11. Good thing for you Jesus loves you

or he would whup your ass.

PS: Amen

[walkaway]

14. I would just call on the ghosts of other famous dead people to smack him down.

How long do you think Jesus' ghost could stand up to the spirit of Lincoln?

[BurtWorm]

15. Jesus has been in training two thousand and ten years almost.

I wouldn't bet against Him. Praise His Name.

[rd_kent]

49. You mean training like Rocky? Does he listen to "eye of the tiger"

[rrneck]

24. Could Bruce Lee take Jesus? nt

[BurtWorm]

26. Jesus took Bruce Lee, don't you remember? On July 20, 1973.

:wtf:

[rrneck]

28. No way dude!

My boy Bruce just transformed himself by faking his death through secret Ninja knowledge stuff so he could get to heaven and get close enough to Jesus to use his patented one inch punch!

[demwing]

43. No, because even if Bruce Lee killed Jesus

his dad would step in and put in the fix. whammo. Jesus rises, grabs Chuck Norris, and Bruce goes down, again.

You can't stop the King (of kings).

[rrneck]

66. LOL!!! nt

[rrneck]

12. Not good enough.

Exactly what denomination are you joining? Which side of the street is it on? How close to the front will you sit during services?

PLUS

Have you adequately measured and documented the physical effects of your transformation and submitted them to peer review? Can you offer measurable proof of your conversion?

ALSO

Exactly where do you stand on the important political issues of the day; Abortion, free speech, evolution, smoking in public, wearing white after labor day, mullets, Brangilina, and the current legal problems of the ShamWow guy?

[BurtWorm]

13. Whatever Jesus tells me. It's all in His Hands now.

[rrneck]

18. Jesus loves you

Just not that way :rofl:

[BurtWorm]

20. Such Hands my Savior has

:bounce:

[PassingFair]

61. Count yourself lucky....I gave myself to Jesus....

and now he won't return my calls.



:cry:

[walkaway]

22. One could take that hand comment the wrong way.

[cosmik debris]

30. "It's all in His Hands now."

That's what gods says when he masturbates.

You did know that god masturbates didn't you?

If you hadn't been laid in 2000 years, you'd stroke it once in a while too!

[walkaway]

33. Wasn't he laid in a manger by a virgin? n/t

[cosmik debris]

34. 2000 years ago!

That's why he supports abstinence only education.

One bastard child and the world will never let him forget.

[walkaway]

36. Seems to me he gets laid in the manger around chanukah season evey year.

[PassingFair]

62. Amen-Re

Egypt

There are several creation stories in Egypt, attached to rival gods. The most common one begins with Nun, the primeval ocean, from which Amen rises in splendour. He takes the name Re, thus in effect merging two rival deities. By an act of masturbation (described as such in the temple texts) he produces a divine son and daughter. These two breed a race of gods, while the tears of Amen-Re become mankind - appropriately enough, for man's behaviour soon persuades the creator to withdraw from earthly affairs. He retires to the heavens, where he reigns as the sun.

[rurallib]

16. which Jesus is your Jesus?

[rrneck]

19. I don't really

know Jesus.

We jammed together a couple of times but...

[Silent3]

17. Just remember...

...this means you'll have to give up playing with Lucifer's testicles.



Are you prepared to make that sacrifice?

[rrneck]

21. Is Lucifer ? nt

[walkaway]

23. What the hell is wrong with you?

Now my sixteen children (17 on the way) are all crying their eyes out! We are poor and hungry and the kids had nothing to look forward to but the republican budget and playing with Lucifer's balls!

[rrneck]

29. Don't sweat it. We'll just stick some more Xmas in there. nt

[Jokerman]

25. Hallelujah Brother!

The good lawd told me that there would be conversions in this very forum and on this very day.

He really does move in mysterious ways.

The last time I tried to move in a mysterious way I was picked up for public intoxication.

[BurtWorm]

27. Jesus forgives you

as he hits His Holy Rimshot.

[MineralMan]

31. Looks like Landover Baptist Church has

opened a new one over here on DU. Praise the Lord!

[dcsmart]

32. What does jesus look like n/t

[cosmik debris]

35. Something like this

Usually seen hanging around the neck of his followers

[JustCommonSense]

38. LOL good one bro - and sadly it is true

[JustCommonSense]

37. Jesus saves?

But what if there were no hell to be saved from???

It would be helpful for the believer to not worry about after death but think on the here and now...

I refer to using the scriptures in this light -

Fact:
believing in heaven/hell keeps ones mind trapped in judgement thus making it impossible to walk in grace thus causing one to fall once again under the law and unto death and hell...

Thus to walk in grace - one can not judge others good/bad right/wrong saved/unsaved heaven/hell

So then what is there?

Spending ones life to learning greater debths of loving - that inclused yourself. For if one has not truely forgiven themselves - they cripple themselves to loving others.

Caution: going to church is damaging to ones spiritual walk...

[JustCommonSense]

39. OR what if

The "real" you was never born and shall never die no matter what one does in this 3D world....(example even Hitler)

If this is possible, would it be wise to get to know this "real" you?

Might it be interesting to begin to discover what one does not see with eyes, touch with the hand, smell with the nose, or hear through the ear?

maybe I am crazy, maybe not :)

[ZombieHorde]

40. I had my own revelation this morning: zombie movies aren't really that great.

Their just sorta OK. Seeing the dead rise and tear apart the living is not very interesting.

For a movie to be interesting, a guy and gal have to fall in love, then the guy has to do something slightly bad, and then he has to re-earn the girls love. Some funny moments should be intertwined with the sweet and bitter moments. If only Hollywood would make movies based on this formula!

[demwing]

42. What if it were a zombie love story?

with a big explosion at the beginning, a car chase, and some pizza?

[Occam Bandage]

44. This summer...a second chance at life...means a second chance at love.

[demwing]

63. Lust Of The Dead!

[varkam]

82. Blasphemer!

[Occam Bandage]

41. How credible!

[BurtWorm]

45. I swear on the Holy Bible.

[Occam Bandage]

46. And as you said, you consider that very highly now. I think you've proven your bona fides!

[BurtWorm]

47. As God is my witness

I can't wait till this day is over.

[rd_kent]

50. If he is your witness, can I cross-examine him?

If have some questions that need clarification.

[rd_kent]

48. Did someone forget to take their psycotherapy drugs today?

[BurtWorm]

51. God bless you, son.

I knew I was forgetting something this morning. Damn religious conversion made me forget everything else...

[rd_kent]

52. I didn't sneeze, so why the 'god bless you'?

please keep your make believe characters to yourself. Thats all I ask.

[BurtWorm]

53. It's for past sneezes.

God bless you. That's for future sneezes.

[rd_kent]

54. Well, thanks. May science enlighten you........

Go ahead and pray for god to bless me and I will try to keep you educated and elightened. Good luck with the juses thing, I hope it works out for you.

[BurtWorm]

55. God bless you for your righteous wish to enlighten me. Praise God!

In Jesus' Name, Hallelujah. (It's funny how before the conversion I used to spell it "Jesus's," but after the conversion, it feels so natural to say "in Jesus' name," as though it's too damn hard to muster out another "s" sound after the two in Jesus' name. See! I did it again! :woohoo: )

[rd_kent]

56. Uhm, yeah......

I think at this point we are just padding our post count. Im done, c ya, happy april fools day!

[BurtWorm]

57. Jesus Christ Almighty commands me to have the last word

Amen.

[rd_kent]

58. Really? he just gave me the same command!

[BurtWorm]

59. Jesus Lord God, Why hast thou forsaken me?

On my first fuckin' day, too. Jesus!

[Beetwasher]

60. It's JEBUS!

Yeesh. No wonder you're forsooketh.

[Sal316]

64. aww...how cute.

What's next? Putting on blackface and calling yourself Sambo? Or perhaps it's dressing up like some cartoonish pop culture ideal of what a flamboyantly gay man is and run around singing "It's raining men"?

Real cute.

[BurtWorm]

65. You're saying being a Christian is not a choice, like race or sexual orientation?

Interesting.

[Sal316]

67. Actually, what I'm saying is....

...that joke's not funny and you're an ass for it.

But if you want to rationalize your way to make yourself feel better, then go right ahead Rush, you do it.

[BurtWorm]

68. Now that is funny!

:spray:

We're still left with your insinuation that religious belief is something you have no control over, like skin color or sexual orientation. Are political beliefs the same? We shouldn't joke about political beliefs either, Hannity? ;)

[Occam Bandage]

70. The difference, of course,

is that conservatives are outside our tribal community, and therefore may be mocked, insulted, and slandered to our heart's content, but that Christians are very much a part of our tribe, and therefore any mockery of them is a betrayal.

[BurtWorm]

71. I disagree with at least two of your premises.

1) That there is a single tribal community that we're talking about. Unless you mean DU, in which case

2) That it is a betrayal to mock any part of the community. It's actually standard operating procedure at DU, especially in here, GD, and GD-P. If we didn't mock each other, things could get REALLY ugly.

Betrayal is such an overblown word to choose in this instance. Do you feel betrayed?

This is what I was doing with my April Fool's Joke yesterday: I was making fun of something I don't understand, something that makes me uncomfortable I admit, which is the tendency of some Christians to turn into apparently soulless, lifeless zombies for Christ upon conversion.

I don't know if you're a Christian--I assume you are, given your propensity to jump in and defend them at every perceived slight. Do you want to defend that aspect of Christianity to me? Want to help me understand why so many Christians take that strange turn when all they can talk about is Jesus, Jesus, Jesus? Why their vocabulary becomes so constipated with an overload of religion talk?

Do you think I'm betraying you or Christian DUers by asking questions like this? I'm trying to be real with you and not hide my disgust and repulsion over that phenomenon. To me it looks like a form of brainwashing and soul-killing. But I assume if you're a member of DU, if you're a progressive or a liberal Democrat, no matter whether you think of yourself as a Christian or Jainist or what have you, you probably are opposed to brainwashing and soul-killing. So why would you be offended when I mock that?

[Occam Bandage]

72. I think you misunderstand.

I was only explaining why people find it offensive to attack religious beliefs while not finding it offensive to attack political beliefs, despite the two being more or less two sides of the same coin (in most cases). Both are an expression of individual internalizations of society, yet only one is a common trait in members of our 'tribe' as DUers. People are tribal when it comes to social interactions; surely you don't doubt that. Perhaps I should have put words like 'betrayal' in inverted commas.

I myself am not Christian. I am an atheist, and something of a Chan Buddhist (hence the avatar), while being entirely aware that it is nothing but an interesting trick of neurofeedback. I think, however, that religion is an intrinsic part of the human condition, and that any particular religion is more or less an (often self-arising) memetic 'organism' that has as its environment those aforementioned internalizations of societies. Features of religions are either adaptations to environment, or in the specific case (such as art and theological particulars) are nothing more than a memetic equivalent of the colors and adornments sometimes caused by sexual selection in organisms. Which is not, of course, to say that those arbitrary self-reinforcing particulars cannot evolve into a significant adaptive part of the religion; the same happens all the time in genetic evolution as well.

You have noticed me jumping in to defend Christians on this forum. That much is true. I've also defended Muslims and atheists, though less frequently, because there's reason to less frequently. Were this site more populated by people insisting that Islam was the reason Middle Eastern society stagnated in the late Middle Ages (or more commonly today, that Islam is the particular cause of terrorism), or insisting that atheism was a driving force in the world's Communist revolutions, or that Confucian thought is responsible for Chinese authoritarianism, I would argue against those claims more frequently. I do not believe that religions shape social mindsets on any significant level. Rather, I believe religions are naturally-occurring symbionts of mindsets, with cultural mindsets being largely memetic as well, and subject to the same principles of natural selection that genetic organisms are subject to. My view of religion is wholly incompatible with personal belief in religion, but it is also incompatible with believing that religions can have any particular malignity.

I take no personal offense to alternative views of religion. Mine is somewhat idiosyncratic, though hardly unique; I welcome the opportunity to test my view against other views that are equally strong if not stronger. Certainly there's strong evidence that in many cases religions are predatory (in a more accurate sense than many intend), and it's natural to be offended by that. This is why we have this forum: to discuss views of the nature of religion.

[BurtWorm]

73. I think I misunderstood you, too.

Thank you for explaining yourself.

[Occam Bandage]

74. No problem.

As a self-centered closing remark of sorts, I think it's kind of odd that my thoughts on religion have been strongly (though indirectly) shaped by the writings of Richard Dawkins on social behavior, and yet I find myself often at odds here with people whose thoughts have clearly been at least partially shaped by his later writings on religion in particular.

[ZombieHorde]

75. I haven't read anything by Dawkins, do you like his writing style? nt

[Occam Bandage]

77. Yes, he's very engaging. I would recommend The Selfish Gene, or The Ancestor's Tale.

The Blind Watchmaker and The God Delusion are interesting enough, but are more aimed at providing ammunition for those at war against intelligent design/creationism.

[varkam]

83. I liked A Devil's Chaplain. eom

[Sal316]

76. Well, that's the response I expected...

....especially coming from someone who probably gets great joy over telling kids there is no Santa Claus, either.

Keep cracking the "jokes" that are demeaning in nature. You're just exposing your true nature.

When do the "a Jew, a Muslim, and an atheist walk into a bar" jokes start? Or is your derision reserved exclusively for evangelicals?

[BurtWorm]

78. You have a problem with those jokes?

:wtf:

Do you have a sense of humor at all?

[Sal316]

79. I have a great sense of humor.

...I just don't think that those types of jokes are funny, no matter the subject.

...and yes, the tenor of that joke was just the same as getting dressed in blackface, or like Speedy Gonzalez, or like a flamboyantly gay man, or a very butch lesbian.

It's a cartoonish depiction, and it's in poor taste.

[BurtWorm]

80. Is it poor traste to laugh at conservative beliefs?

[Sal316]

81. When it devolves into cartoonish stereotypes, yes.

We're better than that....at least I hope we are.

(yes, some of their positions border on the absurd and deserve to be mocked...but when you start mocking the PERSON, you lose any moral or ethical high ground to argue your position with.)

[BurtWorm]

84. But mocking a position or action that seems ridiculous is ok in your book?

[Meshuga]

86. The way I see it

You were making an April fools day joke which makes fun of a specific position and not Christians in general. Much less Christians in here.

I mean, I understand the people who find Jesus to be the only way being offended by the OP. But that's about it.

And since religious jokes have been brought up, I would like to say that I love them. I guess it all depends on the intention of the joker and the capcity of the audience to understand it is only a joke, obviously, but they are fun. I especially like the self-deprecating Jewish jokes.

But I guess Sirnosedvoidofjokes is in the forum. Someone needs to hit this sucker with the bop gun!

[BurtWorm]

87. Now he lays him down to sleep...

Flashlight. Neon light...

Of course you're on the money, Meshuga. I think even Sir Nose was about to concede the point, as he allowed jokes about ridiculous positions and behaviors.

I have a quick joke for you which you may already know, but I'll tell it anyway.

A yuppie falls in love with a Mazerati and impulsively buys it. Wanting more than earthly insurance for his little beauty, he heads to the local orthodox shul and asks the rabbi for a brucha. "What's a Mazerati?" the rabbi says. Not wanting to explain himself he runs to the conservative congregation to ask for a brucha for the Mazerati. "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable saying a brucha over a status symbol." Frustrated but determined he runs to the reform temple across the street. "Sure, I'll do it," says the rabbi. "Only... what's a brucha?"

[Meshuga]

89. That's a classic

I like them "what's a brucha?" Rabbis. :-)

[Hugabear]

85. Funny, that's exactly what you said in another thread

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=214&topic_id=203453&mesg_id=203615

"Yes, demeaning faith is just the same as demaining love between two people of the same gender. I can no more "choose" to be an Atheist than a Gay man can "choose" to be straight. I'm born this way, I'm wired differently. It isn't a choice."


I'm really interested in hearing how exactly people are "born" with religious beliefs.

[Occam Bandage]

88. Well, he's at least partially correct.

He was born an atheist.

[Random_Australian]

91. I had a revelnation this morning: Jesus Christ isn't my Lord and Savior

Neither Alleluia or amen. Also, from now on, I won't praise God and Jesus' name.

I would urge my not-fellow christians to convert to atheism, but I don't really feel like it. Wait, I never did Accept Jesus into my heart. I am talking to Uganda.

I was born the first time quite a few years ago, and haven't been in a womb attached by an umbilical cord since. As of April 6, the two thousand ninth year by the common standard in the western world.

That's right, now it's the eeeevul atheists being mocked! Now for sure, people reading this post will realise exactly how eeeeeevul it is to impersonate someone in an overdone manner on april 1!

That'll teach them. I'm so evil, because I'm an atheist/satanist/cookie monster. (Sometimes without even milk with my cookies! Bwahahahahahahahhaaa!)


tl; dr: I don't think it's that offensive.

If this post did not make sense to you, it's because this thread looks to me like my post does to you.

[step up]

69. That's fine...I have no problems with one's beliefs until

they start to try and dictate to the atheists (I am not one, by the way). So whether this is a joke or not, I don't care. Just be the light you supposedly are full of.

[and-justice-for-all]

90. FSM is the only true gawd....you heathen!