In need of advice and moral support

[kedrys]

I don't post here very often, but I lurk a lot, and pretty much everyone here seems to have it together. I have a bit of a situation I'm not terribly equipped to deal with, and I'm open to suggestions.

My spouse and I have been up here in Montreal for just over a year now, and my parents just came back from their annual snowbird vacation in Florida. The s.o. and I have been married for 13 years, and the past three have been a tad bit surreal because that's how long ago I found out that my spouse wants, nay, needs to switch genders.

We've been dancing around the situation with my folks for a while now, but we've decided that we need to tell them *something* because the stress on us is affecting our health and our relationship. I'd almost rather tell my parents and get disowned than keep this under wraps any longer - not to mention it's not a picnic for my spouse either.

My parents are usually pretty cool and collected, and they love us both, but I'm about to find out how unconditionally. They spent an arm and a leg getting us settled in up here, and I don't want them to think I took advantage or anything crass.

Any thoughts...?

[doctor jazz]

1. I think the most important thing to consider is how YOU feel about your spouse's wants/needs.

It -sounds- like you're not completely comfortable with the prospect...and I understand how that might be, I would be pretty much pissed if my SO of 27 years decided he wanted to be a woman. Maybe I'm getting your post all wrong...in which case disregard anything I said. Best of luck in any case.

[FreeState]

2. How open minded are you parents?

Thats what you need to work with IMO. If they are open enough you can rent Trans-America or some other film that deals with the subject in a caring manner and then open up a discussion from there. Another option is to have your parents to dinner with a trans friend once or twice to see their reception so you can gage what to do.

Most importantly I would try and go at it not from a negative "they love us both, but I'm about to find out how unconditionally. They spent an arm and a leg getting us settled in up here, and I don't want them to think I took advantage or anything crass." Approach it from a positive - that way you are giving them all the right tools to be supportive of both of you. Look at it as your parents are there to support you so what is the best way to get the support you need from them. I hope that makes since.

Im not transgendered but have several friends that are - there are one or two transgendered posters here but I have not seen them for a while. I hope they see this and can chime in because Im sure they will have better advice and insight than I do!

Keep us posted too - hopefully everything turns out wonderfully and your story can inspire some of us her to live our lives a little bit more authentically.

[katanalori]

3. guess I am confused.........

May I ask, am I understanding this correctly?
A. Your parents accept your same-sex marriage.
B. You parents like your spouse very much.
Right so far? If so, I am not sure why same parents would be upset or unsupportive of your spouse's desire for a sex change. Why would they care? I would not ask them for financial assistance for the surgery, of course - if they want to contribute, then they will offer.
But, to presume they will be so upset when they have been so accepting and supportive (if "A" and "B" above are correct), my be an over-reaction. What makes you think that they will not be happy, or at least neutral about your spouse's desire?

[XOEnterprises]

4. Well, first thing, it seems that you're at least accepting of your SO's needs.

That's always hurdle #1.

Wow, this is a tough spot. I think what you need to do, really do, first of all, is thinking about how you're going to tell them. It's a big, scary thing-my partner just did it a couple months ago, and it's no picnic.

I think the best thing is to do research. Be prepared for questions, and don't be afraid of their reactions. I hate to say it, but transpeople are the least accepted, and not everyone is going to like it. I think one of the biggest mistakes of the trans community (in my opinion, but I'm not trans, so who am I to judge?) is the desire to close up and become defensive when people are asking honest questions. I'm not saying that they don't have reason, or should allow all people to stick their noses where they don't belong, but I don't see the point of not educating people. I learned more about transmen in a two and a half hour conversation with a friend than I did dating one for a year. The internet is wonderful in some ways, but actually listening to what people have to say is priceless.

And I think that, if your parents really love you, they'll understand why this is such a difficult thing. It's not easy for anyone to come out as trans.

Anyway, good luck. I really do hope everything works out well for you and your SO.

[tbyg52]

5. I have not the slightest qualification to offer advice, but I wish you all the best!

:hug:

[DURHAM D]

6. They will follow your lead.

If you are comfortable in the situation they will become comfortable as well. At first they may try to pick at the situation; perhaps looking for your (or partner's) doubts.

So, be prepared to lead or shepherd a discussion about the fluid continuum of gender. Its not a topic of general conversation so I hope you two are ready. Good luck.

[yardwork]

7. I'll pass on the advice that a dear friend gave me when I realized that I was a lesbian

and was deciding to leave my 20+ year marriage to a man.

Nobody is dying.
Nobody has a serious illness.
Nobody is moving a long way away from everyone else they love.

I wish you and your spouse the very best. It sounds like you have a strong marriage. Your parents' opinion, one way or the other, is secondary to that.

[sgsmith]

8. Questions

I'm a little confused about some fairly important information. Are you husband and wife and your spouse wants to transition to female? About how old are you and are there any children?

Overall, the preponderance is to transition Male to Female (MTF), probably because the fetus basically starts off female (even with XY chromosomes). There are generally just a couple of points where people transition, either in late teens/early twenties, or much later in life (40's/50's). I don't really know why this is so, but it's probably due to a desire to see if a typical male role will "cure" the person of their feelings, and a subsequent realization that the feelings remain. Plus, there are major issues like money.

How informed are you about the transition process? Have you read any of the good life stories - something like "True Selves" or "She's not There"?

The one thing I'll say is that your spouse has been processing his(?) feelings for a long time. You've had a much shorter time to come to grips with the issue, and your folks will have even less time. It's hard to remember during transition, but family and friends have the least amount of time and greater burden of understanding than strangers do.

Don't cut your parents short. I'm very surprised about how supportive my mother has been.

[kedrys]

9. We are husband and wife

And my spouse wants to transition to female. Apparently, it's been in the works for a very long time, at least in her head. We have no children, and we're both in our late 40s.

I've read quite a bit about it. All I want is for her to be happy, even if we don't end up being together, but glossing over why the long dyed hair and the heavy shirts when we visit my folks is getting old and has been very stressful.

We'll see what happens. Wish us luck. Thanks for your encouragement.

[bluedawg12]

13. I wish you both peace and acceptace and love as you transition

through this process.

[qb]

10. I wish the best of luck to you both.

:hug:

I didn't come out as gay until my early 40's, after 11 years of marriage to a woman. I was so tired of hiding from everyone... I just let loose and came out to everyone I knew, and I'm glad I did. My relationships with family & friends are so much closer now that I don't feel like I have to watch what I say or how I act. I think if you're bold and honest you will find you have many allies.

[indigo32]

11. Not sure I have anything brilliant to add

I think you've gotten some decent advice already. Be good to everyone involved. I wish you all the best in getting through this.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

12. like anything else, this is going to be a process. i would tell them ONLY after you

and your wife are completely comfortable with it. they will detect subtleties and react to those subtleties.

[kedrys]

14. It went surprisingly well

Thank you everyone for your advice and moral support. We introduced the subject by showing mom the letter of carry that Kat got from her counselor, which explains that she may look radically different than what her "legal" gender presupposes, and went from there.

Mom was very supportive, asked a few questions, told us she was very happy we told her because it explains a lot about why we blew off some family dinners last summer and because she feels we trust her, and tried to feed us dinner from the moment we walked in until we left :D. And if she's ok with it, she'll make damnshure dad is too (he ducked into the TV room to watch hockey after we got done talking politics and sports :P).

I slept like a rock, and Kat did too. Hopefully, we can go from here with a minimum of unnecessary drama.

Thanks again, guys'n'gals. I appreciate your time and support more than I can say.

:hi:

[mtnester]

15. May I say I am happy for you both

and for your loving and supportive parents as well...you all are very lucky to have each other...ALL of you!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

16. i am so glad to hear that!

[yardwork]

17. I'm not surprised. You sound like a wonderful person, and I guessed that your parents would be too.

I wish you the very best, wherever life takes you.

[One_Life_To_Give]

18. I suggest asking Helen Boyd at myhusbandbetty dot com

I see below that you have already talked with your mom. However I would still suggest that you and your wife/SO take a look at Helen Boyds website. She is the Author of My Husband Betty and She's not the Man I Married. Currently teaching Gender Studies out in Wisconsin IIRC and a frequent lecturer at Trans conferences. You will also find other people who are going thru the same thing and dealing with the same emotions, etc.

Also if you are up for it posting about your thoughts and feelings about even broaching this with you Mom and Dad would be good for many others who visit there.

myhusbandbetty.com/mhb-message-boards

P.S. Give yourself a hug from me for being so supportive.
:loveya:

[kedrys]

19. Thanks for the link!

I'll definitely check it out - any good reading on the topic that can help me/us deal better with this, and I'm there.

I don't usually post about private matters, but I recognize that others might benefit from my story, as I benefited from others' advice here. I'll give the matter some serious thought.

Hug back atcha! :loveya:

[sgsmith]

20. Another book

http://www.amazon.com/Head-over-Heels-Cross-Dressers-Transsexuals/dp/0789030942/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1240537412&sr=1-3

"Head Over Heels" gives voice to thirty ordinary women who live extraordinary lives as partners to crossdressers, transgenerists, and male-to-female transsexuals. These unique women discuss, with honesty and great candour, how they first learned of their partners' gender issues, how they have coped with the emotions that followed, how they have dealt with concerns about privacy/secrecy and how they have handled disclosure to children, friends and family members. Far from a collection of 'happily every after' stories, these narratives are filled with pain, courage, curiosity and joy as each women struggles to redefine a relationship that includes intimacy, social acceptance, dignity and respect.

Plus, Dr. Erhardt is a nice woman.

[kedrys]

21. Thanks for the reading suggestion!

I'm due for a trip to the (virtual) bookstore - your timing is excellent! :hi: :loveya: