|
People like Reker formed my opinion of what it meant to be gay. When I was growing up, I didn't even know what gay was until I heard Jerry Falwell condemning gay people and my mother explained it to me at the age of eleven. I spent my entire childhood trying to pray the gay away, and attempted suicide on multiple occasions. When I became an adult I renounced Christianity, formed my own opinions and beliefs - which are largely atheistic - and moved strongly toward the left. My entire life from eleven till about age eighteen was filled with self-loathing and absolute fear. When I finally accepted that I was gay, renounced Christianity, and began to form my political beliefs, I re-channeled self-loathing into hatred. It was as if a dam had burst and every ounce of hate I ever felt toward myself was re-channeled toward every single person of Christian faith, regardless if they were anti-gay or not. In my mind I was justified in hating them because I blamed their religion for the cruelty inflicted upon me.
Eventually, I had to take a look in the mirror. I ruined friendships, was unnecessarily mean to people who did nothing to me, harbored cruel and hateful emotions... and then realized that I had become exactly what I hated. It took me awhile, but I was able to eventually realize one important thing: If I allow people like Reker to have control over my emotions, then they've already won. They aren't worthy of having the right to make me angry. They have no control over me what-so-ever. I can despise their actions, dislike their personality, and work against them at every opportunity, but I can do it with a sober mind - free of hate and anger tainted thoughts.
When I realized that I was becoming just like them, a bigot, a person who spread hatred of others, and that I was allowing them to control my feelings... it was at that point when it was easy to let go of the hatred that ate away at me for so long. That's when I finally felt free - free of people like Reker, Falwell, Robertson, and all the others. I'm glad I did it. I think I not only became a better person, but a better advocate for the cause of LGBT people.
I guess that's why I can pity Reker as a human being who is a closeted gay man, but at the same time despise what he has done and continues to do. Having experienced the same self-loathing that he no doubt experiences, a self-loathing that drove me to attempt suicide multiple times - I can understand and relate.
I suppose the best analogy that can be given is a mother who eventually forgives someone who killed her child. People like Reker's killed a part of me, and stole my childhood happiness. I had a choice, I could either harbor a grudge against them until the day I died or let it go. I decided to let it go, not for them, but for myself.
"He who fights monsters should see to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." — Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
I always felt that quote summed it up rather well, at least in how it related to my own personal experience.
|