How do you help your child make friends? Can you?

[prozacnation]

My 12 year old boy has always struggled to make friends. He is a bit of a spaz, non-stop talker, hyper, and a little left of center. He is short and a little chubby but not obese by any means. Don't get me wrong he is a great kid, although this adolescent stage sucks. He has a sweet heart, always willing to go an extra mile for anyone and he is very sensitive and smart. He has several medical problems which make him a little different (asthma, IBS, allergies).

He has a couple of friends but other then that he is convinced that everyone hates him. I've given him all of the standard mom lines but really what can you tell your child when they say something like that. Anyone have any thoughts?

[wildeyed]

1. That age completely blows.

I hated being 12-14. I was not popular in junior high, but I have friends who were and they were all miserable, too, convinced that everyone secretly hated them.

Being focused and active with a hobby really helped me. I had a source of self esteem outside of school that kept me quite busy, so it mattered just a little less that I was not doing well socially at school.

It got better in high school. But it is hard to tell that to a miserable adolescent. Good luck, he sounds like a great kid.

[SoCalDem]

2. Unfortunately that's one thing you cannot do for him..

One of my sons had a few great friends and tons of "fringe" friends..another had ONE friend all through high school and at 32, they are still best friends..

One thing I always told mine (and they have told me how right I was) was that at "that" age, EVERYTHING seems so important, but later on these people they so wanted to have as friends, will mean nothing to them..

One good friend is better than a bunch of "friends" that you cannot trust..

Middle school is a brutal time for kids that are not "social"..Just keep him busy, and watch to make sure he does not get into a depressive state..

It hurts like hell to see your kid suffer through things like this, but you cannot "fix it" for him ..

Chin up.. it does pass, but it seems to take forever sometimes:(

One thought.. Maybe you could steer him towards a hobby that's not dependent on groups.. like photography.. That would get him out and about, and might even give him an avenue to excel at something fun..

[soleft]

3. Sounds a lot like my son at that age

One thing I did - I found him a great therapist. It gave him someone to talk to and confide in, from their interactions that I've observed in family sessions, it seems like it's really helped his self esteem and given him an outlet for discovering and expressing his feelings.

He's now in a band with a group of kids from school and has a core group of kids he enjoys doing things with.

[SW FL Dem]

4. My son is 14- I understand your concerns

He is kind of shy and introverted. He has several friends that he has known since 3rd grade, but they are growing apart because they now have different interests. We also encourage him to get involved in school activities and sports.

My son is overweight but not obese and his self esteem could be higher. The one thing that seems to help the most is letting him find something he is good at and enjoys and then encourage him to do it. For my son, that is golf, he made the middle school team and is doing well. His friends are into skateboarding and playing Magic. None of the kids are in the popular group, but they do have social interaction with kids with similar interests so they don't feel "different". This is a hard age, the kids are going through body changes and almost all of them are self conscious. I don't think there is anything you can say to him. I wish you and your son the best.

[Ravenseye]

5. How do you convince a kid it's ok if people hate him?

That's the question I have...

Convincing a kid that people don't hate him seems hopeless in itself...cause it's obviously not true...

The thing is....How do you convince an otherwise sweet kid that it's ok that peopel dont' like him...and to not care about it...

"All your life there will be people who don't like you. Don't worry about it. Maybe they just don't know you well enough, maybe even if they did it wouldn't matter. If someone doesn't like you, even when you're nice to them...then fuck em...who needs em...don't waste your time or effort thinking about them...concentrate on the people who do care about you."

Something about that feels inappropriate to tell to a 12 year old though....