I lost my love. Any vibes or input appreciated.

[amitten]

My Aries love and I broke up. He was the one I thought I might marry. I know he felt the same at one time. I felt we had a special soul connection. This was a man who in the beginning was so kind and affectionate. And I gave him the same in return.

We had a big fight a few weeks ago and since then he has been cold and distant. I blew up at him because I had tried to initiate a little make-out session because I wanted to feel close, and he pushed my hand away and said, "Sorry, but not now" in a very cold way. I was so hurt and we fought about it. It was not the first time he had rejected a romantic advance.

Since then, he ignored our recent 6 month anniversary (totally unlike him). I sent him a "Happy Anniversary" email and he ignored it. Knowing that his love was dying somehow, I broke it off with him. We cried and cried and said goodbye.

I am so sad now. The fight was my fault and I feel that I lost him by ruining his love for me with my angry outburst. I am also now torturing myself with thoughts that maybe he was interested in someone else and didn't tell me. I asked him about that, and he said there was no one.

I am so sad and lost right now. I thought he was The One, and now he is gone. :cry:

[mysticalchick]

1. I'm so sorry for your sadness

Please remember that relationships are two-way streets and nothing is ALL one person's fault. Things happen and even if you do your best to set them straight, sometimes it just doesn't work.

FWIW, I would have been hurt too, had that situation happened to me.

I wish you peace as you work through this.

[amitten]

6. Thank you. n/t

[Celebration]

2. so, so sorry

Here is a hug

:hug:

[amitten]

7. Thanks for the hug. I need it. n/t

[get the red out]

3. Don't blame yourself

If he couldn't talk these problems out and work toward a solution he has plenty of responsibility as well.

[lildreamer316]

4. This is what I'm saying.

I truly (from this side of the issue, admittedly, but come on!) don't understand why he would persist in this boorish behavior. The 'adult' thing to do would have been to either attempt to work it out by really telling you what he was feeling; or to go ahead and end it because he was done with it. This 'pouting' and coldness achieves nothing except getting you to do the work for him - breaking up. In which case he has proved himself a relationship coward (admittedly strange for an Aries imho; but I am far and away no astrologer!) and you may eventually be glad that he showed you who he was at this point; before you had made a stronger commitment.

Amitten,
I am so very sorry for your hurt and bewilderment; and I wish I could hug you through the screen. Please, don't be too wary of all Aries; however..the challenge is to be able to keep your heart open when you want to close it.

Please let us know how we can help you through this. :hug: :hug:

[amitten]

5. He was waiting to see how things would go after the fight.

He told me he tried over the weeks to regain his old feelings for me, but couldn't. I had offered to leave the night of the original fight, and he held me and told me not to go, and said "I don't want this to end." I gave him an opportunity to bow out, and he didn't.

Instead, he spent the next three weeks punishing me. He was cold and even rude. I think he enjoyed watching me try to win back his affection.

When we finally broke up (I initiated it) I said, "I know you love me deeply" and he said "I used to." As if one fight can kill off deep love. (And all the fight was was me crying a lot and being emotional--I never insulted him or yelled or did anything emotionally manipulative or mean.) Plus, I had been sick with a long-term illness and had been on 2 months of strong antibiotics that were playing hell with my emotions, and he knew all that.

So I figure, if one fight makes a guy stop loving me, that isn't really love. Love can withstand tests. He has certainly tested me and I trudged through and tried to make things right. I am glad I didn't marry him. He doesn't have what it takes to see a relationship through "better or worse".

[glinda]

39. Sounds like a time for both of you to have some introspection. This is a good thing.

[amitten]

8. We'd had a few previous tiffs and tried to work it out.

Basically, he couldn't tolerate any discord within the relationship. Even when it was minor, he took it as a major blow/upset.

BTW, he grew up in a household where his parents NEVER argued or even disagreed that he knew of. He only ever witnessed perfect peace. I think that is very strange and has made him uneducated about how to deal with personal differences.

[Why Syzygy]

9. You didn't do anything wrong.

Your insight (and Lil'D's) are right on.
He didn't like the way his selfishness made him feel, and he blamed you for it.

[amitten]

10. Hee hee...what's a Lil'D?

And thanks for your reply. He was intrinsically a selfish guy.

I can be selfish, too. But he had me beat by a mile!!!

[Why Syzygy]

12. lol . my nic for lildreamer316

;)

[Celebration]

11. ah, that explains it

I was wondering how anyone could be THAT allergic to conflict. He has a few things to learn.

[amitten]

13. Yes. He was the most thin-skinned guy I've ever dated in that

regard. He simply could not stand discord. It would set him back for days. Very strange.

Well, he HAS been in therapy for the past 2 years. Maybe that is part of the reason...

[get the red out]

16. WOW, that's very over-sensitive

It also sounds manipulative. He gets to be all the passive-aggressive he wants to be but the minute you get upset you are just terrible and destructive.

Nice arrangement if you can get it, he couldn't, maybe he will learn from this.

I am so sorry for your pain. It makes me grateful for the occasional yelling matches with my man for sure.

[I Have A Dream]

17. Yes, and as she described the situation, it's a way to break a person's will. nt

[get the red out]

18. Oh yes!

A way of making her needs unimportant because his love is so conditional that she must be on guard or risk loosing it at any moment, with one mistake.

Makes me shiver, brings up some past relationships in some ways for me. I have done the "what can I do to make you still love me" dance before, oh it hurts so terribly bad.

[amitten]

19. Yes...he made it clear the love was conditional in that regard.

He was always saying, "I can't do this, etc..." whenever there was an argument. I was NEVER allowed to pout when I was upset without it being a major issue.

What woman doesn't occasionally pout...?

[I Have A Dream]

21. I certainly do.

I'd probably have a heart attack if I had to hold in my emotions all the time.

You can't live like that, amitten. :(

:hug:

[get the red out]

28. +1

I will never be a "Stepford wife", a guy that requires that has serious problems.

[amitten]

32. Yep. The worst I ever did was give him the silent treatment.

You'd think I'd cursed him out or hit him, the way he acted!

If he acted like an ass and I got upset and "punished" him, he had to punish me in return. Even though HE was the one who had been rude/unkind/whatever in the first place.

[MorningGlow]

14. So sorry to hear this, amitten

:hug: :hug: :hug:

However, one fight cannot kill a loving relationship. Real love can survive an argument. This must have been brewing for a long time, or your BF just shot from the hip and made the biggest mistake of his life. I agree with the other posters--you did NOTHING wrong. If it is meant to be, you and he will find each other again. If you don't, then (hate to say it) you're better off.

Sending light to you, amitten. I hope you find peace with this situation as soon as you can. :hug:

[amitten]

15. Thank you, thank you. My heart is broken.

And yes, I have a habit of blaming myself for everything.

But I tried my best with this guy, and I was kind to him. And our fights were never big horrible blow-outs...just discussions where I would be feeling sad. Real love can withstand that. I think he is holding out for a situation where there is never true discord. I hope he finds it--otherwise, he will be all alone.

[I Have A Dream]

20. I think that a Leo would feel half alive if he/she had to live like that.

"Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself." -- Richard Bach, Illusions

:hug:

[amitten]

22. I've felt half alive for 6 months. n/t

[I Have A Dream]

23. I don't think that any relationship, no matter how good otherwise,...

is worth that. :(

I hate to say it, but I think that you're better off. You couldn't have done that for the rest of your life.

[FirstLight]

24. Wow...amitten, we are so on the same wavelength right now

:hug: Thanks for holding up the mirror
You said this was a 6 month relationship...I am approaching 5 months with my BF and we hit a wall too (not exactly the same issues, but still an intimacy hurdle)

I think relationships come in layers, and each layer is a deeper place than you were before...I have never been able to see that past a couple years (and that's a lifetime record with 2 marriages and 3 kids)

6 months is a sigificant hurdle, and many people have their own way of creating 'dealbreakers' to see how far they can push the relationship, and whose drama will control the relationship's emotional moods.

6 months is a drop in the bucket though in the grand scheme of things...and one should not even be thinking of marriage in real terms in those early stages of relationship, it's can be a red flag.
So let yourself relax and grieve and know there are other healthier men out there for the likes of an enlightened woman...and being able to fight and be fierce is nothing to be ashamed of. As long as it isn't motivated by rage, it is a survival mechanism not to be discounted.

hang in there sistah!

ps, how old are you, if you don't mind me asking? and what sign?

[amitten]

29. Thanks. I'm a 39 year-old Leo with an Aries moon. n/t

[BlueIris]

25. Grieve for this one, but expect to meet your real soul mate soon.

Saturn's headed for Libra. It's the thing to do.

[amitten]

30. Seriously? Even for Leos?

I've stopped believing that I even have a soul mate. I am so used to being alone or with someone and sad.

[Kind of Blue]

26. Hi, Amitten. I'm so sorry you're hurting right now.

I know you've gotten lots of good advice so far and I'm just thinking good thoughts of you.

I know one thing for sure, when you're ready, just as you've manifested him, you will manifest a better match who will honor you just as you are and love to be with the energy that is Amitten :hug: I don't think you can help but know yourself better through this experience and clearly defines what you do want.

By the way, I had a similar experience with my husband whose parents never argued in front of the kids and his mom never disagreed with his dad in front of them either. He just never ever saw parental conflict. He and I had some fantastic arguments before his ex-wife died and we had to raise his 2 kids, then I found out that it drove him absolutely bonkers when I'd disagree with him in front of them. I was like, you can kiss my ass because you're not gonna shut me up and then argue in whispers later on in the bedroom. :grr:

[amitten]

33. Thanks. I think regardless of upbringing, we were not meant to

be together. But I am terribly sad right now.

[SeattleGirl]

27. amitten, I'm sorry you are hurting right now.

I agree with the other posters, though. It wasn't your fault. My husband was a lot like your guy, in that his parents never fought in front of he and his siblings, though occasionally, his dad would storm out of the house and slam the door. For me, there were lots and lots of fights (some of them very bad) between my parents, so he and I were almost on opposite ends of the spectrum. We've learned, though, to deal with the fact that occasionally we get angry and have arguments.

Maybe this man will learn someday too, but in the meantime, if he cannot deal with you being upset (and NOT hitting below the belt, which you did not do), then I think you are better off in the long run I know what it's like to walk on eggshells, and believe me, it's no way to live. I don't do that any more; no one should have to do that.

I know you aren't ready yet to "move on", because you need to deal with what you are feeling right now. I'm sending hugs and kind thoughts to you, and hope that you heal, and are all the better for it.

:hug:

[amitten]

31. Thanks for the perspective. n/t

[kentauros]

34. I'm sorry to hear you're going through that, amitten.

I've had some rocky relationship problems of my own lately and a separation years ago, so I know a little of what you're going through. Time really does heal these hurts we go through, so hang in there :hug:

There's a book of Doreen Virtue's that's helped me in such situations that I recommend if you don't have it already: Divine Prescriptions. The linked content is Google Books, so some of it is excerpted, and toward the end has info on seeking soulmate relationships. There's much more than that, of course, so maybe see if your library has a copy or buy one. It's comforting to read even if the "prescriptions" aren't just right for every situation...

[amitten]

35. Thanks--I will check it out! n/t

[MagickMuffin]

36. Sending Love and Light your way

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but it is something that you are dealing with and might I add with charm and grace.

You didn't do anything wrong if the only thing was to show emotions that ARE what make us human, after all. If BF was having a hard time dealing with that then he seems a little stunted in that area. You should feel relief right now that you found out now before you invested more of your time with mental and emotional energy. This is the Cosmos letting you know there is someone else out there who will be most fortunate to have you in their life.

Relationships are kinda like a garden, you have a lot of work planning and tilling the soil, sometimes poo is required to make the plants thrive. But after the seeds have been sown and the plants pop up there is still work to be done in making sure the plants have the nourishment they need to survive. You both seemed to be willing to plan and plant the garden, and after realizing there were a few weeds that sprung up BF wanted to abandon the project all together.


It's okay to feel sad but don't waste too much time in that area, as it will not be beneficial to you in the long run. You need to reassure yourself that you have value and worth and someone will notice that and be more than willing to be with you, and plant a better garden down the road.

Take care amitten and "Hang In There Baby" :hug:

[amitten]

38. Thanks so much for your kindess. I agree I need a better guy. nt

[Delphinus]

37. I've no words, amitten,

only hugs :hug: and love. I empathize with you and send loving, healing, soothing energies your way.

[WhiteTara]

40. I'm sorry you are sad. I know what it is like

to have your love turn away. The pain can be almost unbearable. You will live. I hope that doesn't sound cold; but you will live. Maybe even thrive. But today, I just hold you with love in my heart for you. :hug:

[amitten]

43. It's really hard. Thanks for your words of kindness.

Even from a distance, they are comforting! :)

[rumpel]

41. I am sorry you are going through the heartache

somehow, my gut says he was terrified of commitment in any way..you will like others said here, meet someone more mature, hopefully soon.

:grouphug:

[amitten]

42. Thanks, Rumpel.

Yes, he seemed to want marriage. But then when it started heading possibly that way, things fell apart. I think mostly he was opposed to a marriage that might possibly contain any conflict. I hope he finds the perfect, always peaceful partnership he seems to need.

[Eurobabe]

44. Aww, so sorry you are hurting {{leo gal}}

I sm really sorry things ended as they did for you. :hug: Has this been a bitchin' year for Leos or what?? Jeeez. I too, am trying to pedal like mad and keep my head above water, so many things are hitting me from all angles. $$, partnerships, job situation. Ugh.

Don't beat yourself up over voicing your opinion, you need someone strong who can stand on equal ground with you. I lived many years with someone who could not deal with confrontation, too much got swept under the rug and ended up poisoning our relationship permanently. He just became more and more secretive with me until we shared nothing anymore. We could never resolve anything. I guess there is a life lesson there, still trying to figure it out, will take awhile.

But yes I know it hurts...be kind to yourself, I am trying to do the same. I suppose slowly things will get a little easier, for us Leos, universe please?? :hi: :grouphug:

[amitten]

45. No kidding. PLEASE. n/t