Empathy

[OneGrassRoot]

Many here consider themselves empaths to varying degrees.

While it definitely has its drawbacks if we don't learn to set boundaries and work with it to the best of our ability, all in all I do consider it a gift, a blessing.

I consider most people to BE empathetic, again, to varying degrees.

I discovered something last night that disturbs me a bit, and I'd appreciate your thoughts.

My daughter (age 17) is a good kid and basically a kind person. But we are very different in many ways as far as how we interact with others and make our way in this world.

I was reading something on her Facebook wall last night (with her permission, she was sitting with me), about a classmate whose father just passed away after suffering from cancer. Reading her classmate's words instantly filled me with tears, and I could imagine the pain that family has been enduring and what they're going through right now.

She looked at me as teens are wont to do -- eyes rolling -- and said, "Tell me you aren't going to cry."

I looked at her, astounded that she WASN'T tearing up, and said so, especially because we've had such vastly different reactions to situations, especially these last few years. As I said, she is kind and doesn't seek to cause harm, but her lack of emotion about things I find heart-wrenching has disturbed me (and also made me think something is wrong with ME).

Additionally, she is very moderate, doesn't get overtly riled up or passionate about much of anything, including things that are VERY important. She doesn't take a concrete stand on much of anything unless it directly impacts her and her friends (so Prop 8 and DADT were important to her because many of her friends are gay).

Sure, I realize this is my problem -- not hers -- but it does bother me...lol.

Anyway, I asked how she couldn't be affected by reading this kid's sharing, and she said that if it doesn't affect her, personally, it doesn't hit her emotionally.

OMG. It hit me like a slap in the face.

She lacks empathy. We've read about it and talked about it here...how the ills of the world are often caused by people lacking empathy...and I'm looking it in the face, in my own child. And I see that her lack of empathy leads to apathy.

Then, as a mom, I thought maybe that isn't such a bad thing. Being empathetic has torn me apart throughout my life. I still struggle with it but have found my groove, so to speak...for now....but it's taken decades. I don't wish that path on anyone, the path of feeling like your heart is literally bleeding because of all the suffering in the world.

But I'm really conflicted now, and not sure why. I think I feel alone, to realize a key aspect of our personalities is so different, and I'm just recognizing it for what it is. I do feel empathy is important, but it's equally important to not let it eat us alive.

I wonder if she turned off any "empathy switch" due to watching me all these years? Or, maybe this is just her (and her dad), and it's for the best and not something I should try to nurture more in her?

If we can't put ourselves in others' shoes, how can we move forward in love and unity and connection?

Just wow. I'm stunned at this realization.

:shrug:

[rosesaylavee]

1. Some of us are late bloomers...

I used to be a hard bitter little thing in high school... it was how I survived that ordeal. As I have aged tho, I have become more and more empathic to the point that I have to be careful which commercials I watch. :) AND, she IS a teenager and her pre-frontal lobes aren't closed yet. She and her brain are still developing. Give her a few years and see how she is when she's 25. The fact that a teenager was sitting next to you as you both viewed this info is a pretty wonderful thing. I give you and her two thumbs up on that! :thumbsup:

And don't forget that our kids continue to look to us for guidance and role modeling their entire lives. Your response to the world is deeply embedded in her psyche... I say all this as I had/have been concerned about my own son and how he was going to be in the world. He was very sensitive until he hit middle school and then bam, that was gone for a few years. Now that he's turning 21 I see the kid I knew then again. Be patient Mom! And enjoy the holiday with a young girl who TRUSTS you enough to view her FB page. That is a gift. :hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

2. Thank you for that....

sooooooooo much! :hug: :hug: :hug:

You're so right. The fact that we communicate IS a huge blessing! (And she is one to talk things to DEATH...wants it to be resolved and not let things fester to the point that it can be exhausting, but I admire that about her!)

You are just so very right. Thank you for this reminder and for helping me to put it into perspective.

More :hug: :hug: :hug:

[lildreamer316]

7. To add to this, I found my empathy increased during my Saturn return..

around age 28-29 or so. I got a grip, so to speak, and also grew up and undersood things differently.I've always been sensitive,but I was able to understand it much better then,and to separate my impressions of others from my own feelings. Maybe this will happen to your daughter, OGR. It's possible that it's blockeds at the moment to allow other things to develop.

[OneGrassRoot]

25. That makes a lot of sense. :)

Thanks, lildreamer.

And Merry Christmas to you and yours...

:loveya:

[nenagh]

3. Dear OneGrassRoot... Fear not....

I suppose that there are some children who have a highly developed empathetic sense from a young age, but for many of the rest of us, I think it develops over time, with exposure to more of life's experiences.

Just because this person is a classmate, doesn't mean that your daughter feels a close connection to her and unless your daughter has experienced a loved one with cancer... the trials, the difficulties, the fear etc.. she just isn't that aware of the pain of the experience yet. Intellectually perhaps, but she is still very young.

I would think your daughter is in high school.. and many high schools have the Sarah Palin, popular mean girl, hierarchy.. and your daughter may have felt she needs to guard some of the softer emotions just to get through the experience mentally intact.

My children are a decade or more older, finished with school and working.. and experienced cancer first hand when I, their Mother, and a single parent suddenly developed the disease.

From that experience, my youngest son is probably the most empathetic.. he tears up easily now. But it is our Alpha Male eldest daughter that fought the medical system here in Canada to get me a new specialist in a large urban hospital dedicated to cancer care, when the local hospital was overw.. and had me stay with her during treatment.

We all have our gifts and though I so appreciate the empathy and care received from so many associated with Toronto's healing community.. if not for my daughter's Alpha Male fight for me... I would not be here.

I always enjoy your posts, OGR, and didn't like to think of you suffering now at Christmas because of something that may grow as your lovely daughter grows.. Have a lovely Christmas :)

[OneGrassRoot]

4. Thank you, nenagh...

:hug:

You know, I learn so much about myself here, sharing with you all. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of you. Honest and truly.

:grouphug:

So often I'm inclined to think most everyone thinks and feels and acts as I do; I consider myself as Everyone. (I'm having a hard time putting that into words, but basically I feel very ordinary, in the sense that I don't feel things or view the world very different than most others.)

That's really so very narrow-minded of me. Seriously. :eyes:

Then there are times I realize, holy sh*t...not everyone feels the same way about things their entire lives as I have? Not everyone views this situation as I do? It's a humbling experience, truth be told.

I'm realizing that me being uber sensitive and empathetic, from my first memories (and I'm one of those who remembers things clearly starting around age 2), isn't a common or "normal" experience.

I can't thank you and rosesaylavee enough for reminding me that even basic aspects of our personalities such as empathy are often a process...we grow into them. I've been who I am for so long, without any huge shift (subtle, yes; huge, no), that it's hard for me to recognize that very normal evolution in this human experience, especially in someone as close to me as my daughter.

It's one thing to say we're all different and unique, but it's quite another to experience it in all its complexities -- not good or bad AT ALL, just different in how we perceive and make our way through this life, on so many levels.

You sharing your experience with your children, and how their different personality types were gifts in a very trying time, is so profound to me. I'm so glad your daughter filled the role of the Alpha Male fight for you. So very, very glad....:hug:

Thank you for being here and for caring enough about my discomfort/confusion to share that.

Wishing you and yours a most blessed holiday, nenagh.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[nenagh]

5. It is strange, OneGrassRoot,

That my children and I were discussing just what you outlined above... last night.

I think, like you think, that basically people think the same as I think.. :)

Last week a lovely man who is very church oriented here in Ontario, was doing some fix it up stuff for me here at home .. and suddenly he 'went off' on the subject of homosexuality. 'Perversion" etc.. Now being taught in the schools as OK etc.

I am not much to stand up for stuff... but I said to the kids.. I couldn't let every gay person down either..So I outlined my positive reasonings against his position... which, seeing as his perception came from a weird belief system cranked out by some Church here.. silenced him at least but did nothing to change his mind.

I had to run out of the house, chased away by the hate/bad vibes involved, the children were chuckling at this... but I felt that I didn't want those thoughts in my home... and if I knew how to smudge the place.. I'd have done it..

Thank you again for all your great posts, and all that I learn here, and want to learn..

Merry Christmas all, here it is a beautiful sunny day, tho cold.. I am grateful for the love of the children, because I had a lot of learning to do to become a person who could love them as much as I do :)

[Myrina]

14. I agree with you Nenagh

:hug:

[Callie McAllie]

6. Teenagers will always confound us

That's their whole goal at that age. If you were the kind of person who didn't cry, she would. She will grow out of this and continue to be the lovely young woman you know and trust.

And it really does take all kinds to make a world. If we were all just alike, think how unchanging and uninspiring the world would be. You cannot have the good without the bad, I'm afraid. There will always be people who lack empathy. Those of us who have empathy are here to make up for that.

Of course, that doesn't mean we have to hang around with those unempathetic people. Except at family gatherings, in my case. ;-)

[OneGrassRoot]

17. Oh, those family gatherings....

I'm so grateful I no longer have to endure those. VERY grateful!

Bless you and others who do still endure those challenging holiday situations.

:scared:

Teenagers are a mystery to me, that's for certain. ;)

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Kind of Blue]

8. Great answers for you here, OGR.

I have nothing to add but a story. I made my dad cry once.

He was so frustrated with me for not caring about voting. He went into these heart-wrenching stories about people without a voice and the horrors of what happens to those who dissent against government in Africa. And if you don't vote, your siblings will follow your example. I just heard blah-blah-blah and wanted to scream: Stop trying to tell me what to do! He even went so far one year by calling a family emergency, we rushed back and he promptly took us kids to the polls :eyes:

Well, when Reagan was in office I felt the full impact of his lousy presidency. I finally felt as if all the suffering in the world landed on my shoulders and was ashamed for adding more by not helping to keep that man out of office.

I give you full credit for raising a child who is concerned about Prop. 8 and DADT. I think our switches gets turned on one by one. Or all at once - as in your case :) :hug: :hug: :hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

18. Which incident made your dad cry?

When you didn't vote on your own, or when you finally did, thanks to Reagan? ;)

Given your dad's history, I don't know he could bear apathy...even when it comes to teenagers and young adults.

Bless his heart. :hug:

Thanks for sharing, Ms. KoB. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[mysticalchick]

9. Just one in twenty are born empaths ...

... according to my teacher Rose Rosetree who has written a book specifically aimed at helping us (empaths) learn how to become skilled in modulating our empathy. Here's a blurb from her book "Empowered by Empathy" (http://www.rose-rosetree.com/empath-book.htm)

"An estimated one in 20 Americans has a natural talent for perceptiveness. Could you be one of them? Usually they are unskilled empaths, which means they suffer from such problems as emotional instability, apparent co-dependence, low self-esteem, or hypochondria. Rose Rosetree’s seventh book, Empowered by Empathy, explains how to improve the quality of life by turning off unwanted empathy.

Her how-to techniques also demonstrate how to turn empathy on. At will. Bigger than ever before. Interspersed with her teaching, Rosetree describes elusive spiritual travels that are sometimes humorous, sometimes moving, and consistently mind-boggling."

For those of us who were born this way, it's hard to imagine a world where you don't care about the feelings of others because, in some ways, it impacts you too. Seeing the world through the eyes of a non-empath (like your daughter, OGR) is like peering into an alternate universe. She may come into a greater understanding of empathy as she has life experiences that move her but it's unlikely (IMO) that she will be as you are. And that's fine. We need people like that in this world. Those who can do their work dispassionately but well. For example, *I* could never, ever, ever work in a vet hospital because animals in pain cuts me to the core. I could easier work with humans making transitions than animals. Yet there are plenty of people who can do that work, do it well and with love and NOT take in that pain. God bless them. Really.

We each have our parts to play, empaths and non-empaths alike. Interesting revelation and post, OGR.

[OneGrassRoot]

19. Wow, that's interesting....

My big "aha" moment was the realization that my assumption about most people being empathetic to a significant (though varying) degree is most likely way off.

But it also leads me to another of my lifelong observations which is that most people aren't honest with themselves about what they feel. So, maybe they are empaths and just haven't "owned" it for a multitude of reasons.

Who knows? :shrug:

I am open to the very real possibility that everything I've ever thought could be wrong or incorrect or way off base. It's disconcerting but that's okay; I have something big to learn from it, beyond the acknowledgment that we're all different and have different ways and are all of value.

Thanks for sharing the info, Mysticalchick!!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[FirstLight]

10. a gift and a curse...

As someone who is emotionally very empathetic as well, i can identify. and My teen seems to have that same piece. Maybe there is a reason for their generation being more able to 'detach' ...? Maybe they will be called upon to deal with more grief than we can envision or more decisions on the state of their humanity...and somehow the ability to hold it separately is going to serve them in the future...?

On the other hand, I see what you mean about how do we create a world full of loving souls when so many souls have turned off the ability to care about their fellow humans? it isn't just generational, it's a chronic condition that effects many the world over...
But I personally have to believe that the power of love and faith and healing and empathy is stronger than apathy, maybe by 100 or a 1000!
In that case, we just have to choose to keep holding the Light for those who can't or won't see it yet, and hope that it is contagious more so than apathy...

AND...sometimes empathy comes with life experiences, like giving birth, losing a loved one, etc. If you have no way of understanding the emotions yourself, it is hard to feel concern for others...but as life goes on, we are accosted by emotional situations, and life experiences brings more capacity for depth...


I know, it is foreign to me as well since i have been deemed a 'overly sensitive' child from a young age! but maybe our empathy is like a muscle, the more we USE it, the stronger it becomes. I know I have allowed my emotions to run me off my rails for better or worse over the years....funny, i think i have had to learn how to hold my empathy in check in many cases too.
each of us has to find our emotional balance, and she is still finding hers as well.

:loveya: OGR, I value your emotional and idealistic soul SO much! :hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

20. Well said, FirstLight!

:yourock:

Who knows the reasons for our unique traits and how they serve Humanity as a whole? There could be many scenarios in which stark, authentic detachment is helpful to others -- many others -- in some way.

I honestly don't know, and I see it's not for me to judge -- my daughter or others.

It's just another thing I need to incorporate into my own process and come to terms with as I try to make my own way, respect others' way.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Fire Walk With Me]

11. Children, teens, and young adults/onward are rather different creatures, biologically speaking.

I read a recent article, perhaps in Time magazine, about the differences between these stages...the frontal lobe doesn't IIRC kick in fully until well after puberty, for example.

Of course these are not absolutes. I'm no measure of normal, but the suffering of others used to utterly overwhelm me when I was very young. I built up deep shields of negativity in order to attempt to shield myself. Guess what, didn't work, still digging up and out of it...but what you said about her perhaps "reacting" to your own sensitivity...you -know- children want to go in a different direction than their parents' major characteristics, simply to define themselves. My adopted father smoked, so I can thank him and such childish rebellion for my never having taken up nicotine....

I hope that you can just sit back and enjoy each other freely and peacefully.

[OneGrassRoot]

21. Yes, Sir...

I certainly see that children tend to try to emulate their parents or rebel, teens usually doing the latter. I know I rebelled. I was surrounded by apathy, so I went in the opposite direction. ;)

I admit, I'm confused. As I wrote in response to another in this thread, it's as though a basic view I've had of humankind has been turned on its head.

Once again.

That not everyone is empathetic, nor is that necessarily a "good" or required trait, as so many roles are being played to create this experience: the good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent...so many others. And who is to say which roles are most helpful or beneficial to the Whole?

:shrug:

I just want there to be less suffering -- because suffering hurts me (my problem) -- and don't know how to alleviate that on a larger scale without joining together...and don't know how to get people to join together without empathy and compassion and honesty with oneself.

But, that's not up to me, and I need to learn to let that go somehow.

Edit to add that she and I do have a wonderful relationship, for which I am very grateful. We've always communicated well, and often. That in and of itself is a blessing when it comes to a teenager. I realize that. It's my desire (often obsession) to understand others that leads to these ponderings on my part. ;)

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:loveya:

[Fire Walk With Me]

28. "And who is to say which roles are most helpful or beneficial to the Whole?"

Only the Whole itself.

Remember that short story synopsis I posted a while back, of a Japanese Artificial Intelligence which had formed a network of caring, supportive people, who receive texts to go certain places at certain times and do certain things which would be of maximum benefit to those the AI sought to help...delivering a person's favorite coffee with very particular flavorings etc. because he'd just lost everything and was sitting despondent upon a park bench...it amazed him and turned everything around, just like that.

"Spiritually", our experiences lead us to certain paths of action and that is the purpose. You are passionate about making a big difference, and that is very important and ahem, perhaps designed for, in the spiritual sense. All of it together does work toward the commmon goals of the Whole. At least where we're willing and not abusing our free will, or get beaten off the path by the resistance...there is always strength when you ask for it humbly, especially for your positive purposes.

Happy New Year, trailblazer.

[OneGrassRoot]

37. ....

I'm struggling with the "beaten off the path by resistance" thing. But I am indeed asking for strength and guidance.

:loveya:

[Cleita]

12. My step daughter is somewhat like that.

It's not that she's a bad person and she has some sympathy for those less fortunate and gets upset when she sees animal abuse, but she never gives to others in need. She actually stated one day that she wished they wouldn't put all those poor people in Asia and Africa on the TV because they have nothing to do with her. I'm sometimes astounded at some of the unfeeling things that she says. Maybe it's a generational thing or it could be a wall of defense she has built up around her because the suffering of others really does affect her and she can't cope. I know this doesn't help much but it's all I have to share.

[OneGrassRoot]

22. I don't know, either, Cleita...

My daughter has said similar things, and it absolutely stuns me. I mean, I can understand shallow. And it's not just in teenagers but certainly prevalent in that age group.

Since I tend to overthink things, I always believe people who most would deem as "shallow" are simply not being honest with themselves -- for many, often very good and protective, reasons.

But maybe there is nothing to think about? Maybe some people really are so vastly different from us that, as Mysticalchick said, seeing through their eyes is like peering into an alternate universe?

I just don't know. I suppose so long as people cause no harm, there are good reasons in the big picture of things that many choose not to engage, even emotionally, in a way that I recognize.

I need to get away from feeling that's harmful and judging them.

I just need to incorporate this realization into my own process somehow....

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[PhillyGurl]

13. Hmm, didn't we have a thread awhile back

about children choosing their parents? They come through us to learn some kind of karmic lesson? Perhaps empathy is part of her lesson, so that she can evolve.

I believe empathy results from life experience, and some hard knocks, I don't need to tell you certain kids are more "tuned in" than others. My oldest is very cerebral, and the younger one is OR used to be very sensitive, but as she's gotten older I see her becoming more cynical, and the older one more empathic and understanding. Strange turn of events.

[OneGrassRoot]

23. One thing is for certain....

I continue to learn so much about myself and others by sharing here, and I appreciate you all tremendously.

So many things that I've held as lifelong truths are being dismantled one by one...:rofl:

And that's okay! I must learn to process these realizations and continue to find my way.

Thanks for being here, PhillyGurl.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Oak2004]

15. But is that really lack of empathy? Or is it lack of emotionality?

It's possible to care deeply and not be an especially emotional person, just as it is possible to be highly emotional and use one's emotionality as an excuse to avoid people in need. I know I do care very much about others, but I am not especially emotional (no water to speak of in a chart, a prominent moon in Gemini, and Venus in Virgo is not a formula for emotionality). It simply means that one's caring expresses itself in different forms.

[OneGrassRoot]

16. Who knows?

It's a good question, though.

She says she truly doesn't feel emotion about things that I find amazing that people WOULDN'T have emotion about.

Who knows if that's true or if she is "stuffing" emotions because of her age, or if she will grow into empathy as she ages?

Plus, another thing I've always felt strongly about is that most people aren't honest with themselves, let alone honest with others.

But that could be another thing I've been wrong about in my impressions all along. ;)

:shrug:

I'm more and more clueless. ;)

[Delphinus]

24. Before reading any

comments, I have to respond to this:
the path of feeling like your heart is literally bleeding because of all the suffering in the world. ... wow. You nailed it - I've never been able to express this, but you got it exactly! So, if I respond in no other way, I just have to say thank you :hug: for saying what it is like.

[OneGrassRoot]

31. That really is it....

for many of us. The feeling of a broken -- impaled -- bleeding heart.

Hard for others who don't feel this way to understand, just as it's hard for us to understand NOT feeling this way about the suffering of others.

:hug:

[Ricochet21]

26. And the eclipse

was in your 5th house, the house of your children
eclipses = realizations

remember that for next time

She's just another type of special someone, coming thru you, she has to be. :hi:

[OneGrassRoot]

32. I will remember...

:hug:

[Silver Gaia]

27. I agree with others here

who have said to give her time.

I was very sensitive as a child, and I know that I shut off MANY things while in my teen years. It was too much too bear, so I did this without thinking about it. It did come back. But there was a period of time during which I was probably insufferable -- a very insensitive, and even emotionally selfish, young woman.

The teen years can be incredibly cruel, and as a parent, we don't always see what is going on in their lives as we did when they were small. They tend to hide things from us, and put up walls and barriers. It is a natural process and just a part of the separation process of becoming fully adult, I think. I believe she will return to the values I am SURE you have taught her all her life. She is just closing off right now to protect her own budding sense of self and autonomy. IMHO.

My own daughter had a bit more supportive environment than I did while growing up, but I know that she still shut down a lot of her own empathic (and psychic) capabilities at around your daughter's age. Even though she knew I understood and supported her, it was still sometimes frightening and difficult for her. She is now 30, and is a wonderful woman who is not only my daughter, but one of my best and most dear friends.

Take heart and be of good cheer, my friend. She IS your daughter and the bond between you will grow, not diminish, over the years. Because you are YOU, and she will always have your love.

[OneGrassRoot]

33. So much wisdom here...

Thank you for the reminder. Actually, we are SOOOOOOOOO close. So very close, which is why this realization hit me rather hard.

But, I think you're right; it's a defense mechanism for her current stage in life (high school).

:hug:

[laylah]

29. Dear, gentle OGR...

my oldest is like that. Like you, I wonder if watching me all those years, tearing up over so many human injustices (as well as Maxwell House coffee commercials. :rofl: ), getting indignant at the treatment of those less fortunate, etc., did not make her decide to never "feel" the pain we do. I believe they DO feel it, I believe they also feel "if I ignore it, it will go away".

I believe the empathy is there, in our daughters; however, they hide it out of self preservation. They witnessed the pain our empathy caused/causes us, and choose not to hurt as we do/did. It IS there, dear friend, it is just "safer" for them to react differently than we always have.

Just my two cents. :loveya:

Jenn

[OneGrassRoot]

34. I think you're right, laylah...

I think it is a defense mechanism, and I can TOTALLY appreciate that, given her age. I think she does view it as safer...'tis a process.

Thanks for your two cents. :hug:

:loveya: back atcha

[NuttyFluffers]

30. she's a teenager, the time when we have the greatest difficulty w/ reading & reacting to emotions.

in other words, she's normal.

several studies, which i cannot remember now for the life of me, found that teens are the age group that has the greatest challenge in reading facial expressions for emotion. all that hormonal cocktail soup is scrambling the reception, so they really are clueless about what others are feeling (that's because they are feeling everything simultaneously right at that moment -- apathy is like a relief).

further, since they are a hormonal mess, they cannot "think and feel" their way to the appropriate response for situations. thinking is near impossible when you're feelings are on their own private Six Flags marathon. and feeling their way to the empathetically or etiquette appropriate response is all but impossible as well. when you can't even figure out where you yourself are, or how others are, then how could you be expected to even attempt a complex process like "consideration."

just keep showing the right responses, and explaining why you arrive to them. she's watching, and though she'll protest, she's also learning. humans learn a lot from example. and in her critical development time it'll be better for her to observe good behavior, with explanations as to why it is good behavior, than otherwise.

she's a child and still learning what it means to be an adult. she's fine. just be you, and she'll figure out such things when she's older.

[OneGrassRoot]

35. Thank you, NuttyFluffers!

just keep showing the right responses, and explaining why you arrive to them. she's watching, and though she'll protest, she's also learning. humans learn a lot from example. and in her critical development time it'll be better for her to observe good behavior, with explanations as to why it is good behavior, than otherwise.

Perfect. Thank you for that! :)

:hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

36. I wanted to share that I have had THE BEST several days with my daughter....

It's because we are sooooooooo very close that this "empathy" realization hit me so hard.

We went through a rough patch about a year or two ago, but because we have this communication thing down pat, we worked our way out of it. It was the typical mother-daughter/teen struggle, but it wasn't nearly as horrendous as many endure.

Okay, I have to share the specific conversation that ended that rough spell. She was being a very typical teenager (sarcasm, eyes rolling, a general selfishness, with a diva attitude to top it off -- but all of it directed at me; she was fine with others). Even though I understood it and knew it was normal, it didn't make the daily interactions any easier. And, with my personality type, it was REALLY rough for me. Nonstop conflict really wears me down.

Anyway, a certain event caused a huge blowup. I retreated; I was so wiped out that I couldn't talk or cry or anything. I was just numb and tired. She, however, came in and insisted we talk it out.

:rofl:

Goodness, I know that's a good thing, but Geez Louise, the kid sometimes doesn't know when to let it go. I just wanted to let it go for the night, but she wouldn't allow it (I know, that's actually a very good trait of hers, even if it's exhausting). I simply told her that I realize she is acting like a normal teenager but that doesn't make me feel better; it was exhausting me and really wearing me down. I told her I understand I'm the "safe" person to act out with because she knows I love her unconditionally.

She said, through tears, "But you didn't raise me to be a normal teenager. You raised me to respect others and consider their feelings. I can do better, and I'm so sorry I haven't thought of your feelings enough lately."

Of course, I'm typing this through tears, because that was one of those moments that will remain with me throughout my life. That moment fills my heart with so much gratitude.

From that moment on, we got over that teen hurdle, and now we're both grappling with the reality that she goes away to college next year. We're both having a really hard time with that, but treasuring every moment right now as we work through a multitude of stressors.

I am so blessed. I wanted you all to know that it's because we are already so close that this empathy thing hit me so hard. I didn't/don't see it as a negative thing; it just confuses me about the "big picture" and how empathy -- or the lack thereof, at any age -- plays in with the big picture.

Thanks for reading. :)

:grouphug:

[mysticalchick]

38. That makes my heart burst ....

... to hear "You've raised me to be a better person than I am. I will step up to that high standard" (paraphrasing) has to feel like such a gift to you. I'd cherish that one, myself.

YEY for you and your aware daughter!

[OneGrassRoot]

39. Me, too -- every time I think of it!

:cry: but also :bounce:

Thanks, mysticalchick!

:loveya:

[japple]

42. You asked in the childhood thread if we would go back to our

childhood if we could and I didn't make a response to that question. But after a bit of consideration, I would say that I'd like to go back to my teenage years and reassure my parents that I appreciate everything they did for me and how grateful I am that I was born into my family. I would also try to be more helpful and respectful. But I think they know that now!

I think your daughter is saying the same thing, and that reflects on your good job in raising her. Good job, Mom!

:) O8)

[OneGrassRoot]

43. Oh geez, now you've done it....

:cry: :cry: :cry:

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:loveya:

[NuttyFluffers]

40. ahh, so she is paying attention! good to know!

that's a line to take with you through the years, isn't it? it's almost like validating all your struggles in being a parent. your sapling is bearing fruit, and it is turning sweet.

[OneGrassRoot]

41. Yes indeed...

Funny how one positive statement can wipe away so much struggle. Of course, if either of us were the type to say I'm sorry repeatedly and never change, it would be different. But, we're not. Thank goodness.

:)

:hug: