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Edited on Sun Jan-23-11 01:25 PM by northernlights
Remembering that the symbol of the evolved scorpio is the sign of the phoenix, the bird that rises from its own ashes.
First we have to burn up completely. Every cell. Only than can we regenerate. Exquisitely painful.
First, for me, clinical training is not going well. School did not go well -- I frankly hated the clinical courses. At first I chalked it up to total exhaustion. But after I was able to quit my job, it just continued to be awful. I desperately hoped to avoid the clinical training, and it has been just awful. They aren't satisfied unless you are run into the ground all day, 7 days/week. I feel lied to, used, abused, manipulated. They, of course, are prepared for this and are in defensive mode. I don't care. I have my ticket out. I will not go through this again, ever. Hopefully I'll be able to quit by March, come hell or high water. I don't expect it to lead to work anyway -- hospitals are reducing staff, not adding. I just want the summer and fall to restructure before the student loans come due. Hopefully I'll be able to dump the house by then to pay off the loans and walk away from this latest fiasco.
Second, some of you may remember that 3 years ago (fall 07-spring 08) the love of my life, also sun sign scorpio, returned in my dreams and in trances, interrupting me in class and hanging with me for conversations to break up my studying. And just as it looked as though we would get together irl, something happened that took him away again. He told me not to come find him, he couldn't be with me right now. He couldn't/wouldn't tell me what was happening. The economy was just blowing apart and so I thought maybe something was going on business-wise that required his full attention. Two months later, I sat with a group going through the FAFSA form, sweating bullets, not wanting to take on debt and he appeard and told me he wanted to take care of me. It gave me the courage to sign. And then two months later, exhausted, I had the dream in which we met on a beach and I collapsed on the beach and a group of shaman surrounded me chanting, the leader explained to him that I had an endocrine disorder...all while I sank into a calm, warm sea, was greeted by a silent old man and was heading toward a white light when I heard him break down sobbing and begging me not to leave him. His voice pulled me back into life, he helped me to my feet and we walked across the beach together.
I had not heard from him since then and thought maybe he had appeared to "let me down" gently and tie up loose ends, or maybe he was a cad, or maybe they were just psychological dreams to help me heal the wounds left from our relationship. In recent months I woke up a couple times having sensed we'd made love in the deepest sleeps. But I googled and found no word of him. Once not long ago I had an odd dream -- he told me he had a billion dollars. we were walking down a street as he was talking, stepping over the bodies of naked people sitting and lying on the sidewalk. I told him, don't brag to me about your money. tell me what you are doing with it. These people are not deadbeats. They are desperate. They need jobs; they need work. And then I woke up.
And then last week we dreamed together in later morning, for a couple hours. I woke several times -- to let the dogs out, to let the dogs in -- and immediately would fall back to sleep and still be in his arms.
So I googled him again. This time I found some answers. My love was diagnosed with familiar (genetic, early onset) alzheimers. I'm not sure exactly when, but suspect it may have been in the fall of 07. In the spring of 09 it progressed enough that he moved to a nursing home with 24 hour supervision. :cry: :cry: :cry: I have spent the past week devastated.
I awoke this morning with some sense of calm. I remember that throughout our relationship when I couldn't contact him, it was because he was so busy. And I think he is very busy now, even as his brain is dying, starting his new life whatever it is going to be. I wonder if that odd dream was a glimpse of a future life or past life...or we just were together in his confused mind...
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