So I went to the Dr today.....

[Heddi]

Because I'm a nurse he recommended that I get the Hepatitis-A vaccine. I told him I was worried about getting teh autism, and he told me that the risk of autism had not been established. But I told him that I had read on a website that even at 32 years of age I could get autism from the vaccine and that I knew he was paid by Glaxo-Smith-Kline to tell me that I wouldn't contract Autism.

Then he wanted to put me on "birth control", whatever that was. I told him that my method of "coitus interruptus" had worked so far, except for the 17 kids I had so far. He suggested I use something more reliable and I told him that I was worried about the mercury in birth control pills. He said there was no mercury in the pills and I just snoffed at him (scoffing and sniffing at the same time).

Then he suggested that I "Loose WEight" and I politely told him that I wasn't fat, I just had a very robust aura and a rubeneque chakra. He said that I was fat. I said that it was the mercury in my non-Mexican Coke-a-cola that made my aura so girthy. He said that i was fat. I said that I was fat because of pesticides in my free-range cotton T-shirts that made my chakra so.....pudgy. He said I was fat. I said that I thought Marilyn Monroe was a size 28 and that our ideas of body image were bought and paid for by the pharmaceutical industries. He said that dress sizes have been variable over the years and that Marilyn Monroe was no where near what a size 28 today would be. As he jiggled the flab under my arms, I wondered if perhaps my Saturn Rising and erroneous birth sign (I am a pisces but I'm sure I'm supposed to be a Capricorn!) were the reasons behind my so called 200-lbs weighing down a 5'3 frame. I still wonder, especially since he "rolled his eyes" when I made this suggestion to me. He also suggested intense psychotherapy for my paranoid delusions, but I know what THAT'S all about, so I just smiled and made a mental note that this Dr's Mercury was in retrograde and the obvious reason behind his hostility towards me.

I told him that my health was perfectly fine because I burn lavender candles every night (they ward away "heart disease" demons) and I eat 2lbs of milk thistle a day to keep my immunity in retrograde. He showed me the door and pointed the way to the lab so I could get my "blood drawn", but I made a quick exit because I have read on various websites that when you get your "blood drawn" they (the blood drawers, or vampire-quacks as I like to call them) put little itty bitty microchips in your blood.

Tonight I'm going to light a red AND lavender candle. Red because I like the colour, and lavender for the heart disease demons, etc.

Can someone send some good vibes my way? I want a group positive enegery visualization. HEre's a picture. At 14:54 - 2:00 (that's bombay time, I think, and the center of the universe) I want everyone to focus on this picture and say whatever chant will give me good luck, a winning lotto ticket, and a healing of the fungal lesions on my legs (he wanted me to take ANTI FUNGAL medications for this. Snarf. Yeah)

Okay. Here's the picture to focus on:



Focus on the magic unicorn and the lady with the gray blob in her wee-wee private part area of doom. Wish away the fungus. WISH AWAY THE FUNGUSSSSSSSSSSS

[realisticphish]

1. hahahaha

wish away the fungussssssss

[Heddi]

2. I just realized

that the unicorn is biting her shoulder.

Horse bites HURT!

[MrMonk]

3. Vampire unicorn

In league with the vampire-quacks. Bad vibes all around.

[Heddi]

10. can I PUHLEESE

get some lavender thoughts in this place? Holy shit. What's a girl gotta do to get some lavender vibes?

John Edwards told me this would happen. He said 'I see someone in your life whose name starts with a letter between A and Z, and they're either male or female, and they'll either do or not do something that you ask them to" I'm like WHOAH THAT IS SO RIGHT ON!!!11!!

If loving John Edwards' psychic ability is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

[TZ]

13. "Lavender vibes".....

Oh man...that sounds like a great name for an, umm adult toy store.....:rofl:
This thread is hilarious...You rock, Heddi...:applause:

[Warpy]

18. I think that was the name of the sex toy catalog

a gay coworker mistakenly left in a pile of magazines he donated to the critical care waiting room. Thank gawd we went through the pile first to see if there was anything we all wanted. We might have had more patients than we could cope with when the pious had CVAs in the waiting room.

That catalog provided laughs for a couple of weeks. Who knew there were, um, double barreled strapons?

[frogmarch]

4. ROFL !

Heddi, your OP is a thing of beauty. :-)

[Heddi]

11. you're just saying that

so you can have a slice of my bootylicious chakra.

AINT
HAPPENIN

[TZ]

5. hehe

I don't think I need to visit the Health forum for awhile..Thats a great summary of it right there......:rofl:

[Heddi]

12. SHILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

when do you get your monthly allocation for KILLING BABIES WITH YOUR HIDEOUS VACCINES?

i got mine the other day. Woot! I bought a Wii with it. And some colon cleansing cream. Did you know the average human holds FOUR HUNDRED AND SEVENTY TWO POUNDS of decaying fecal matter in their cells? It's TRUE!!! SO I got this Ionic Colon Cream with hydrogenated water vapor and voila! I had a big toot today so therefore it's working. I feel cleansed already.

[cosmik debris]

6. Why did you go to the Dr. in the first place.

It is cheaper and easier just to google your illness and order the instant remedies from the Mexican pharmacist in Nuevo Laredo.

[Heddi]

7. Well my motto is

"Know thy enema"

i mean enemy.

I went just to know what those weasly rascals are up to. Oh and to get some free pens.

[cosmik debris]

8. Keep your friends close...

and your enemies on the payroll!

I hope you got some post-it notes too.

[Heddi]

9. I keep my enemas in the medicine cabinet

and my enemies on my bookmark list.

I did not get any sticky pads OR pens. Clearly this doctor is a quack.

[moggie]

15. Enemas, huh

Don't remind me. I wanted to try a coffee enema, since they're so great for removing toxins, but that didn't work out too well, and now I'm legally not allowed within 100 yards of any Starbucks.

[MrMonk]

16. I hear that vodka enemas work wonders.

[trotsky]

14. ROFLMAO

That is a beautiful piece of work - and I ain't referring to the gawd-awful graphic, though that thing DID literally make me do a spit-take.

[Lisa0825]

17. You are obviously clueless.

Colloidal Silver is the real cure-all, moran!!11!!!



You may turn purple, but that is a small price to pay for good health!

[onager]

19. I put my hands on the Internets and I was HEALED!

I thought our resident Flo Nighties in here might enjoy this story.

Because if a god existed I would be older than It, I've recently been getting some major dental work done here in Egypt. (Yes, I checked out the dentist very thoroughly. A Google of his name turns up hundreds of hits, including links to his books on Amazon and the international symposia he chairs or speaks at. And he is the ONLY local dentist recommended by my cheap-ass "Global" medical plan.)

Anyway, after the work he put me on antibiotics. Which led to an Interesting Cultural Exchange. His nurse, a modest young Muslim woman who always wears the head-scarf, had to shoot 2 injections into my nekkid butt. I felt badly for her, even though I'm a Fundamentalist Atheist. But I'm sure she's a pro who does this all the time and it didn't seem to faze her.

A few days later I came down with an attack of allergies, probably due to the farmers near my work site threshing grain and filling the air with chaff.

Later that night, I went to blow my nose and saw BLOOD! Argh! Obviously coming from my sinuses.

Since it was late at night and on a weekend, naturally I went straight to the internet and googled the symptoms.

It took about 5 minutes to find somebody with a similar problem and a response from a nurse (or someone claiming to be a nurse, which is just as good, of course.)

Along with antibiotics, the dentist had me washing out my mouth several times a day with salt water. The Google hit said this could dry out the sinuses and cause temporary bleeding.

Sure enough, I quit the salt-water rinses (I was at the end of the 4 days the dentist told me to do it anyway, along with the end of the antibiotic horse pills I was taking). No more bleeding.

Just to be sure, I told the dentist about it and he agreed with the Internet diagnosis. Though he also told me in no uncertain terms to call him next time, not do a Google search. He also prescribed a nasal spray.

But he's only a cold-hearted shill for Big Dental, so I will continue to BELIEVE I was healed by the Internets! Miracle!

[progressoid]

20. Sorry Heddi - I was focusing my positive vibes on the wrong picture

[Heddi]

21. i am not sure what I am looking at

It appears that the long haired Skunky thing
1) has an extra limb
2) has an extra knee
3) violates all known laws of physics
4) all of the above
5) none of the above

Is the left leg (the one that is on dog girl's chest) amputated below the knee??? OH MY GOD ARE YOU SHOWING ME CARTOON FURRY AMPUTEE CONTORTONIST PORN OMGWTFLOL

[progressoid]

22. I'm not sure either but it really screwed up my chakras.

I'm hoping a super colon cleanse will fix me up. It worked for you, right?

[Heddi]

23. OH yah!

In fact, the enemas and colonics work SO well that I have formulated a portable continuous colonic machine so that way I can colonicize myself 24/7. I haven't had a BM since the Regan Administration and I feel GRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!

My colon is so clean it squeaks and shines. Like a large, while-tiled rich person lavatory, my colon is. Hello-o-o-o-o-o

[realisticphish]

24. i have the solution

[Heddi]

28. I miss phil hartman

he'd be alive today if he just took elderberry root, had weekly colonics, and wore bullet-proof jackets....

[moggie]

25. Dammit, is this group NSFW now?

I don't mind co-workers thinking I'm a pervert, but I don't want them mistaking me for a furry!

[progressoid]

26. Furry huh?

I honestly didn't know there was such a subset of society until I researched Heddi's bizarro picture.

Kind of wish I didn't know.

[Heddi]

27. Do a search of DU for "furry"

and you will see there is...ahem...quite a...um....dedicated audience to such...things ?

Hey look....Dr Phil is on! Who will he berate today with his dime-store, solve-it-in-45-minutes quack pseudo-counceling? Will it be the unruly 15 year old, or the philandering husband? Perhaps the meddling in-laws will get a good scathing today (with a gentle reminder to the children that they, too, have ownership in this situation)

ooh i can't wait.

[progressoid]

31. ok...

I searched and...ummm...well...that's all.

[moggie]

29. Yeah, they're, uh, special

[Heddi]

30. OMG! WTF! LOL

that's so true!