So the Dr called me with my lab reports today

[Heddi]

Ya know, I just don't know why he doesn't put PAID SHILL on his business cards. Maybe he does. I don't know because I don't have any of his business cards, but it would be appropriate.

So he calls me and as I'm eating my deep fried lard and mayo sammich, he tells me that my "bad" cholesterol levels were 10,000,000. I groaned through a mouth-full of fatbread and he told me "You know, we actually couldn't find any blood at all...it was just pure beef fat in your veins". I stifled a laugh because I didn't want my pre-lunch sandwich to go flying across the room as I guffawed at his suggestion.

After taking a good 4 minutes to swallow my food (the lard was kind of cold....and chunky), I reminded him that I took a plethora of herbs, elixers, and ionic mineral compounds and there was NO WAY my cholestrol could be so high. I was going to tell him about my success at using Kinoki Foot Pads but felt that might be my ace in the hole to "zing" him with later.

He again told me to "lose some weight" and I told him that I had my great internet friends all wishing and vibing daily at Bombay Time, focusing on the lavender and wishing for the fungal lesions on my leg to finally stop their vicious 10-year cycle of continously weeping, crusting, and shedding, weeping, crusting, and sheeding. I told him I had you guys wishing for me to lose weight, you know, even though I didn't, but I wanted him to be proud of me.

He starts going on and on about stroke and heart attack zzzzzzzzzzz SNOOZE FEST! OMGWTFLOL!! The whole time I'm just focusing on my Chakra and trying to telepathically connect with my FurBabies and get them to fetch me some deep fried Cheeto Pie from the fridge. He's going on and on about diabetes blah blah blah. YEAH WHAT ABOUT THE CORN SYRUP MISTER KNOW IT ALL!!??!?!?!? I also reminded him in the most smug way I could that I *DO* drink 2 gallons of Diet Coke every. damn. day. And obviously DIETS DO NOT WORK because I'm not losing weight.

Excersise, cutting the lard...blah. What a QUACK. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A LINK TO HAVING BLOOD SUGARS IN THE THOUSANDS AND BLOOD THAT IS ACTUALLY MORE LARD THAN BLOOD EVER BEING ASSOCIATED WITH BAD HEALTH. Never. Oh yeah. Those 'medical textbooks" and "medical journals" hah! What a riot!

So I played nice and was all 'yeah yeah yeah' and I got off the phone, lit some candles (the house smells nice AND my karma is satisfied for the day!) and dealt out my tarot cards that I combined with runes so they're Tarune Cards and it said that my maiden was inverted and the sword of damocles was dangling over my head. OBVIOUSLY I'M GONNA BE OKAY!!!!

Anyhoo. So now I've got this crushing chest pain and shortness of breath. I feel like an Elephant is sitting on my chest and I keep getting dark spots in front of my eyes. My Guardian Angle Balthazaaaaaaaaaaaar keeps showing up and told me "CALL 911 YOU LOONY TUNE" but obviously that's a side effect and transindential image from that negative phone call, whose negativity has negativized my positivity.

THe first website I searched suggested I may be having a heart attack. So did numbers 2-10,000 BUT then I found one that reassured me that my Saturnalia was reacting to the late Equinox, and that some holly berry tea infused with catnip water will do the trick.

ooh...my heart hurts..........can't....breathe......send. good. vibes. omg. wtf. lol.............:Gaak:

[lizerdbits]

1. What a quack!

Clearly you need to buy more expensive supplements that tell you they are way better than the supplements you are taking now. Meanwhile, I will pray that Jesus will suck that lard out of your blood while you're sleeping. And light some candles. That will help.

[Heddi]

2. Do you think lighting candles will help?

Since I'm an Indigo/Bright (as you obviously know :wink: ) I have used candles as a way to enhance my intelligenceness AND decrease my retrograde. I am REALLY hoping these fungal lesions start the crusting phase and SOON because I'm tired of getting my legs stuck to the furniture

HOWEVER today when I was pulling my leg off of the Unicorn And Dolphins Playing In The Magical Forrest couch-cover, I looked at my legs and there were these TINY LITTLE FIBER WORMS coming out of the weeping wounds. They looked like this:



Now I know that my Unicorn And Dolphin Fancy Free Fleece has those same colors, but there is NO WAY those are fibers. They are tiny worms that are making their way OUT OF MY FRIKIN BODY (sorry. I hate it when people spell it FRIKIN or FRIKEN....IT'S FREAKING FOR FUCKS SAKE...). So I did a little GoogleFu and found this website that talks about Marinellon's DIsease or something. Anyway, I think it's connected to Autism and Vaccines and OTHER PEOPLE HAVE THINGS COMING OUT OF THEIR BODY TOO

Look--even the STATE OF CALIFORNIA HAS WEEPING LESIONS



seriously, this is serious STUFF! OMG WTF LOL!!! I'm so uPset I USE CAPS in entirely UNAPPROPRIATE wayS OMG

So NOW what do I do? Should I burn candles? Find another picture to focus on? How about this one? It's my new tattoo


WISH AWAY THE MARGOLIS DISEASE! WISH AWAY THE MARGOLIS DISEASE! WISH AWAY THE MARGOLIS DISEASE!

[lizerdbits]

7. Burn the candles at the same time

You are cleansing the toxins and using the butt candles. But make sure you don't mix up the butt candles with regular candles. I think that will fix everything including the worms!

[Heddi]

9. Thank the Gods and Goddesses

You are my guardian angle. Can I call you pythagorus, my guardian angle?

[lizerdbits]

14. On one condition

You immediately send me a check for $839 which covers guardianship fees for one week. Do not let your payments lapse or Jesus will not suck the lard from your blood while you sleep! In fact, if payments aren't received on time he will put the lard BACK in your blood at my command.

[realisticphish]

3. you need to clean out the toxins

with good old fashioned butt candles

[Heddi]

4. intrigued

Let me get out my HomeoPathic Catalog and find one of those. Should I look under "butt" or "Candles"? This thing is pretty big because it has a cure for everything in the world (and things that we haven't even been plagued with yet!!!111!) Well, everything except for the weepy, scabby, flaky fungal infection on my legs.....They sound like velcro when I move them off of my Fingerhut Catalog Tigers And Black Panthers Fleece Couch Throw.

Hey check out the new schwagg I got in the mail today. Isn't this great!?

I'm going to put this on the black laquer entertainment center, right next to my Winnie The Pooh figurine and my set of ORIGINAL STAR WARS REISSUES FROM 2004 FIGURINES STILL IN THE BOX OMGLOLWTF



I don't know whether this should go on the chair in the room with the Dolphins And Unicorns Playing Under The Mystical Rainbow Waterfall throw, or the Ferocious Yet Loveable Black Panther And Tiger With Hint Of African Ethniticity Throw...what do you think?



And this is my most favorite:



I don't know about you, but nothing says "MODERN 2008 LIVING" like brass, glass, and mirrors! LET THE GOOD TIMES RO-O-WOLLL

all I need now is the teddy bear plate set and I will BE SET OMGLOLWTF

[TZ]

5. ...

Heddi...the queen of kitsch....you are hilarious..your furries left me uhh..quite speechless...:rofl:

[Heddi]

8. Nurses Have All The Patience!!!

Get it? Patients? Patience?
isn't that a HOOT?!? And sooooo original!

My mother in law got me a TEDDY BEAR IN A NURSE UNIFORM figurine that said "Nurses Have All The Patience" because I'm sure as you can tell I am SUCH A FUCKING TEDDY BEAR PERSON I HAVE THEM COMING OUT OF MY ASS

I'm like 'lady, i been with your son for 11 years and you think I'm a teddy bear person? Puh. Leese." actually I said "Oh thanks I love it" and promptly put it in a box that was going to the storage unit the next day. Ungrateful? Cha bet.

Thankfully the damn thing was a "collectors edition" like the franklin mint made it or something (we will BREAK THE MOLD once 18,899,999,728,879 of these collectible Scarlet O'Hara plates have been fired!) and I can't find a picture of it online....

That and "Nurses Call All The Shots!" Look: It's a DOG, a NURSE, AND A FUCKING FIGURINE ALL ROLLED UP IN ONE


Me, this is more mah stahle:



nothin like a big old deer staring you in the face when you wake up in the morning (although i personally fancy the turkey in the corner)



I like pictures that make me feel guilty.

OMG! I totally had these pictures when I was younger. THIS is what I was trying to display but couldn't find them at first



Yes, how happy to have a dog with a weathered and sheared rope around its neck crying HANGING IN YOUR CHILDS ROOM


Hey this is great. Let's paint a picture FOR KIDS depicting a STARVING AND ABANDONED CAT. Happy!

[realisticphish]

11. those pictures

are the kind of things that start crazy older women down the path to owning 28 cats and 10 dogs (a real women who comes into our pet store)

edit: not to be confused with "pwning" 28 cats and 10 dogs, although it would be kind of like a gladiator match

[TZ]

6. Somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere..

I sense a cruise missile being aimed at your house as we speak....;-)

[realisticphish]

10. meh

those guys are a few years behind us anyway. I have time to build a bunker

[onager]

12. These people need your help...

Are dolphins capable of sin? If so did Jesus die for the sins of the dolphins too or should they get their own dolphin messiah?

Dolphins are animals. They have no soul. Jesus died for us and God created the animals for our convenience.

Well I see no reason that the dolphins shouldn't have their own messiah if you won't share ours with them.

http://www.answerbag.co.uk/q_view/586568

[Heddi]

13. Stop Bogartin' My Messiah, Fuckin' Dolphins

I swam with dolphins in Mexico. They're like eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee the whole time. I know what they wanted, and they wanted Jesus. GET YOUR OWN DAMN JESUS

[semillama]

15. That's equivalent to any Onion opinion piece I've ever read.

I about snarked my coffee through my nose.

Your pics downthread on the sad crying dogs inspired me to post a new thread, too.

[CreekDog]

16. you need some magnets

and maybe some of those footpads to take the toxins out of you.

:eyes:

[realisticphish]

17. but...but....

they turn black! That has to be toxins, right?

[TZ]

18. toxic

foot fungus perhaps.....:rofl: