Hello, I'm new here.

[one_true_leroy]

I offer supraholistic chakra realignment, pet aura analysis (specializing with llamas and ferrets), bioenergetic crystallography awakening ceremonies, third eye exams, and necromaniacal communions. I sell bottles of my tears mixed with Druid herbs for healing acne and depression, my sweat is a potent love salve when mixed with the dirt from under a bridge gathered on the first full moon of the Mayan third month, and the swirls of hair on my head has been used to predict the future.

I am an ordained guru of the HiyaHiyaYumYum discipline, an initiate in the Most Ancient and High Order of Templarian Rosicrutiates (Eastern Rite), and a 7th degree priest in the Egyptodruidian Elusthrian Isisian Shrine.

Oh, and for the ladies, my mastery of the Tantrical arts has led me to the discovery of three new yonic areas, two of them found only in the astral plane, where I hid them to prevent their abuse by the reptilian deceptikors.

And my morning after waffles are divine.

[beam me up scottie]

1. Oh boy.

moggie's not going to be happy that he's got competition...

Put me down for a third eye exam, I think I may need bifocals.

:rofl:

Welcome! How shall we address you?

[one_true_leroy]

2. he may have competition, but I have a yak yurt.

-leroy

edit: he can buy some of my Druid tears if he's unhappy. They come bottled in a pyramid crystal atomizer duplicated from an original I found while on a pilgrimage in Atlantis.

[Heddi]

16. oooh druid tears

I have a jar of gypsy tears, to protect me from the aids

[one_true_leroy]

17. Gyspsy tears don't work unless you charge them.

Has to do with their dilute qi. They are quite good at curing dropsy and for vapours.

Also a great marinade for parrots.

[Heddi]

25. Parrots???

WHAT ABOUT THE ORBeS?!?! THEy impreg. ME in my VAHG. on HELLoween. See the PROOVE is in the PUDDING POPS!!!1!!

<img src=>

DO YOU SEE the ORBEs? that is CRAWLING into my VAGHINY???? IT IMPREG ME!! on OCTOBER HELLoween!!!11!

[DavidDvorkin]

3. Would those be tribifocals?

[moggie]

29. Hey, I like this new guy

He can stay.

[trotsky]

4. You have earned your Big Yak membership card with that beauty of a post.

That is something else. :rofl:

[one_true_leroy]

20. I was just warming up!

[mr blur]

5. Forgive me if I'm sc(k)eptical,

but where, exactly, did you learn to make waffles?

[one_true_leroy]

6. Waffle House.

(duh)


but it was the Waffle House on the sacred Mount Arusthra, the navel of the universe, where we had to make the divine waffles to offer to the interdimensional beings sometimes known as angels. The waffles were to appease them so that they may come to our aid in the Tribulation of the Age of Sacor. It's also where I learned the secret of immortality.

but that's another story, many lifetimes ago.

[mr blur]

7. OK, I'm convinced - here's your membership card

[one_true_leroy]

8. SWEET!!

I'll have to update my resume and credentials listing.

[realisticphish]

10. "waffles"

sounds like a COMMUNIST to me :grr:

[one_true_leroy]

18. Nope. ACORN.

Close, though.

[EvolveOrConvolve]

9. I think I need my third eye examined

You see, I was using this candles that were recommended by someone else here in the SSP group, and now my third eye doesn't pucker as much as it used to.

Please help me, doc!

[realisticphish]

11. *rimshot*

*rimshot for "rimshot"*

[EvolveOrConvolve]

12. Triple entendre?

[one_true_leroy]

15. And if that third eye winks?!

[one_true_leroy]

22. Whoa! Don't assume my services are free.

You think patchouli is cheap?

[one_true_leroy]

13. I am sorry, my friends, you may be in grave danger!

As I was driving home, rocking out to Yanni, my subdental implant alerted me to danger. Warily scanning the road ahead, I noticed nothing unusual. However, the implant went ballistic when I noticed a traffic copter. On a hunch, I examined it through the crystal hanging on my rear view mirror, and confirmed my fear- a black helicopter disguised as a news copter. Awakening my third eye, I noted it to be an interdimensional vessel, a 'demon.' Guided by my implant to avoid 'agents,' I hurried home on back roads.

I must tell my story before it is too late! I was initiated to the Temple of Isis during the construction of the second pyramid. I was chosen as the human ambassador to the angels, serving them divine waffles. I earned their trust, and they entrusted me with immortality and eternal truths. From there I travelled to Atlantis, aiding in a trade dispute with Lemuria. I spent some time showing Dionysus how to party. Oh the stories! I traveled with Alexander (he was pretty good, but not great) to the East, where I invented Yoga and Kung Fu (red dragon style). Chilled as a hash-sassin. Started the Knights Templar (was going to call it the Velvet Knights after our armor, but later used that name for minstrel troupe). Went back to China with Marco to see Khan (whom I called Skeeter) where I invented pasta and gunpowder. Later to England, where I was married briefly to Henry VIII (boy was he mad when he found out). Taught Shakespeare to spell while I was using the name Francis Bacon. Picked the front door lock on Bastille day, edited the Declaration of Independence. Worked for a spell herding cats on a ranch in Wyoming, and later I met a young Dick Cheney while observing Custer's final battle.

Meanwhile, there had been a Schism of the Angels. The demons, taking control of the Waffle House, began to battle for the very fate of humanity. Ever notice how WHs are only ever at major intersections and on interstate access points? These are staging points for FEMA camps. Napolean, Nixon, and Oswald all worked at WH as 'cooks.' It's true! As have many others!! All other so-called conspiracy theories have it wrong! I'm series!!1! All the mafias (yakuza, cosa nostra, CIA) are just fronts for WH! As is the illuminati, communism, and ACORN. WH is trying to rule the world!

Why am I trusting you with this terrible truth? Because skeptics are the true believers! You are the only ones smart enough to connect the dots.

They are coming. I must hurry!

For humanity's sake, we must meet in Racine, Wisconsin at midnight on the winter's solstice 2012. Hopefully, with the telluric confluence there, and my aura, we usher in the age of Aquarius and defeat the demons to take back the Waffle House for humanity.

My friends, we must not fail!

[one_true_leroy]

14. This is how you out-woo the woowoos.

Stay thirsty, my friends!

[Heddi]

19. Hello, I'm old here.

and i want some of those waffles goddamit I HAVE BEEN WORKING AS A MEDICAL SHILL ALL DAY.

No thanks...all day long, giving people ADULT ONSET DOWNS SYNDROME for PAY and PROFIT and I am HUNGRY!!!

no one brings a nurse waffles. the doctors and day-shift nurses get the goodies. night shift nurses get the crazies and the chocolate peices everyone bit half off of to see if it was good (nougat) or shitty (orange cream).

:(

[one_true_leroy]

21. VACCINES! They turn my aura all orangy.

Then I have to bathe in dew water collected from the backs of sleeping bunnies to get it back to blue. Evil shill! A pox on you!!

(assuming you haven't innoculated against the various poxes)

[Heddi]

26. I am a nurse

and I get an extra $.40 a week EVERY TIME I give someone

1) Adult-Onset Trisomy 21
2) Occult Autism (that means that the autism is HIDDEN and you don't know you have it until I TELL YOU YOU DO!!!11)
3) warts

So far, I've got an extra $82.00 THIS WEEK woot!

[drm604]

23. Can you check out my fourth eye?

Do you do that?

[one_true_leroy]

24. Absolutely!

(but it ain't cheap!)

[Heddi]

27. Um....that's not an eye

just sayin'

[one_true_leroy]

28. Whoa! Whoa!

Why don't you sit down and let the American Psychic Institute graduate (magma cum loudly) decide what is and isn't an eye. With all due respect to your "training" as a pharma whore, I am in a rather unique position to determine the eyeness of whatever growth is present. Why do you think I have such high fees? Huh? For the silk turbans? C'mon!

Go back to your leeches, quack!!