Whew! I survived another cold, invasive Western medical procedure!

[onager]

This morning at six A.M. - yes, zero-dark-frigging-thirty on SATURDAY morning - I had to go into a clinic for a colonoscopy.

I'm not posting this because I think anyone is remotely interested in my innards. But mostly in case anyone else might be facing this same thing and is worried.

If anyone is worried about having one of these things - don't be. The worst part is that damn fasting/purging ritual the day before, where you have to eat nothing and drink a gallon of crystallized donkey piss.

The procedure itself - meh. The anesthesiologist said: "Think happy thoughts." The next thing I knew, I was somewhere else with a nurse standing beside my bed. (A nice young Asian woman with blue hair, one of the few new-fangled fashion fads of which I actually approve in my Geezerdom.)

I asked her when we would start the actual procedure, and she said: "We're done."

Was this procedure "necessary," as they ask in the Health-Scare forum all the time? You bet your colon. My favorite uncle died of colon/pancreatic cancer at a fairly young age, and nobody saw it coming. He seemed to be in the best of health when it hit and he was gone shortly thereafter.

Scientific observation: a friend who's had this done said I probably would not be interested in eating after the procedure, even though I had not eaten for more than 24 hours. I just disproved that theory at the local deli, with 3 eggs, 4 slabs of Canadian bacon, a pile of home fries, and a bagel.

Oh, and the results - no problems. My asshole looks so good, it will probably get a job offer from Fox News.

[salvorhardin]

1. You didn't bring a psychic along?

You know, to read your future in your entrails? :evilgrin:

[Heddi]

2. you were consciously sedated

I am trained to do conscious sedation. I love it. Patients love it. I love it because patients love it.

When I had my back surgery I was consciously sedated. I remember the RN telling me that they had some medicine that was going to make me feel good...and I remember her drawing up one of the two vials she had in her hand, and I remember her hooking the syringe up to the IV port, and the next thing I remember was being RUDELY awoken (I was sleeping soooo good) by someone asking me "...heather, are you hungry, do you want a muffin, do you want some juice? Heather do you want some apple juice or a bagel?......" It was so ethereal, the disembodied voices. Then I remembered "oh yah I had surgery"...I opened my eyes "..an apple, or a bagel...or some juice.." NO JUICE I GOTTA PEE and jumped off the recliner and ran to the bathroom ha ha.

It was great. I highly suggest asking for conscious sedation and DEMANDING IT if you are procedure-phobic

[TZ]

3. Heddi you are leaving off the best part

ABout what the nurses have to after the procedure...:rofl: Otherwise I agree 100 percent with Onagers observations

[EvolveOrConvolve]

7. Is that what it's called?

I went in for an Endoscopy, and I was terrified. Unfortunately, I hadn't been briefed me on what would happen, and I was really scared that I was going to be sitting there conscious, with them trying to jab a garden hose down my throat while I gagged and puked and fought them. As it turns out, I don't remember anything from the procedure at all. My wife tells me that I got really talkative after it was all over, and I kept asking the doctor where he got his weed, because it just had to be some good shit for me to feel that great. (FWIW, I haven't smoked pot since college, many years ago.)

I wish they did the conscious sedation for more procedures - it would be awesome during some of the awful dental procedures that I've experienced.

[Heddi]

9. Many dentists do conscious sedation, check into it

I have relatively okay teeth, but they are getting more sensitive in my old age (33), and I don't have a fear of the dentist---I have a fear of the pain of that metal poker touching my sensitive tooth :puke:

So last time I went in just for a cleaning I got the gas...first time, and it was nice. However, I've got some fillings that need replacing, and probably some new fillings to be done and I'm going to ask that they knock me the fuck out. I'll probably have to pay for the conscious sedation out of pocket...fuck it, I'm fine with that. A few hundred dollars so I don't have to sit with my sphincter in my throat the whole time, about to have a panic attack waiting for the SENSITIVE TOOTH TOUCH...fuck. that. shit.

My husband is an RN and worked breifly at a surgery center that did basically all of their surgeries under conscious sedation....back surgery, cosmetic, boobie jobs, stomach surgeries, all kinds of stuff. It's magical.

The 2 meds we use (just two):

Versed--it's a benzo and in the same family as Valium, Klonopin, Xanax
Fentanyl - it's a more pure form of morphine.

The two of these meds combined = heaven!

Remember to ask for it by name ha ha ha. Seriously. Ask your dentist and your MD if you ever have a procedure that's going to be lengthy. At least if they don't give you the conscious sedation they might give you some valium and shit to take beforehand :D

[onager]

4. Thanks, all!

I bet a psychic would have gotten me a discount, if I'd gone to one of those chi-chi Hollywood Herbal High Colonic joints. And since I live in Los Angeles, there are lots around.

(Along with places where celebrities actually get their bungholes bleached. "No, it's SUPPOSED to be that color...)

Of course, a Herbal High Colonic joint would have charged me celebrity prices, instead of my $10 co-pay.

Thanks to Heddi and TZ, who I trust for medical information almost as much as I do the Health Forum. Paging Mr. Sarcasm Smiley...

TZ made me curious with that comment about what the nurses do after. But not THAT curious. I'm afraid it might remind me of a favorite old song - Teenage Enema Nurses In Bondage by Killer Pussy.

There are no vacations, just evacuations,
I'm a teen-age enema nurse...
This job stinks!

[Orrex]

5. What the nurses do after...

They take your car to the car-wash for you, and they pay extra-close attention to the detailing. Shiny like new!

[TZ]

6. You don't remember? I found it VERY amusing..

Ironically it was odorless but it has to do with what beans do...toot, toot! :)

[onager]

8. Aieee! The Evil Doctors implanted me!!!

OK, medical experts, I know this will sound weird...

And granted I was sort of amnesiac-ish and goofy after the procedure.

But I just noticed last night, there's a round bandage holding a metallic plug in my left abdominal region.

I don't remember them telling me about this thing, but I might have just missed the information.

A friend who had this procedure...I think...said this thing will just fall out when the area is completely healed.

Is that right, or can I just yank it out any old time?

Or leave it alone so our Alien Overlords can keep monitoring me? It's not engraved with "666." I checked.

[Heddi]

10. I'm not sure why you have a metal plug in your belleh

that's bizarre. I honestly have never seen or hear of that being done after a colonoscopy/endoscopy.

Call your doctor. Someone will be on call over the weekend.

Is it just a metal disc held on with tape? Or is there a hole that the metal thing is in?

[onager]

12. Metal stud held on with a round bandage...thing.

Thanks Heddi.

I called the clinic but they are closed on Sunday. The recording said I should call 911 in case of emergency. That wasn't much help.

I work right behind a big medical center owned by my HMO, so I will go in there tomorrow.

[Heddi]

13. Im wondering

did they take any xrays of you before or afterwards? I'm wondering if it is the little metal "thing" they put on people before Xrays so that way we know which side is right or left on the Xray....some places put a little metal thing on the left or on the right of the person, stick it on their shoulder if doing a chest xray or leg if doing a pelvis.

Sometimes they're dots, other times the Xray techs find neat little charms or whatever, so you look at an xray and there's a Dragon fly in the upper left corner, or a santa clause hat or something like that.


??

I wouldn't worry about it, however, if it starts doing anything...strange...burning, leaking, anything, please remember to not be afraid to call 911 or go to your local emergency room :D

[onager]

15. Thanks a lot. I just ripped it off.

I think it's what you said, just a metal stud for monitoring something. The metal stud wasn't penetrating my skin or anything. It just had a grey adhesive "dot" under it.

Once I figured that out, I just pulled it off. So far nothing has hap...(thump).

I guess they just forgot it??? Since this was a colonoscopy, I sure hope they didn't forget and leave anything ELSE anywhere. Ahem...

[salvorhardin]

11. Maybe it's a Q-Link

So your biofield energies are resonantly harmonized after the stress of the procedure.

[LeftishBrit]

14. Glad you've gone through it with flying colours and all's well.

I am supposed to get it every 5 years, so in a year's time that'll be me. At least we should be glad that we're not George Bush, and the doctors don't need to combine it with giving Tony Blair a brain scan!

[onager]

16. Ha! Hadn't heard that one.

:toast:

As I rambled above, don't worry. The purging before is worse than the procedure.

Here in the U.S., the purgative is called "GoLytely." It should be called "GoHeavily," if you get my drift.

[Heddi]

17. GoLytely is the most misleading name in the history of names

It should be called Go Not So Lytely. or Go All Nightley

If'n you ever have to have this done again (god forbid), ask them for NuLytely. It is the same thing, just more concentrated and a smaller amount to drink. Many people have to drink 4L/1Gal of GoLytely but only 1/2L or 1 L for NuLytely.

Also...did they tell you you could mix your go-lytely with powdered flavoring, like Crystal Lite? I hope they told you that otherwise I don't know how you got it down otherwise.

[onager]

18. No, they did not tell me that.

Thanks for the tips, though!

The only directions I got were: (1) fill the gallon jug with water and (2) put it in the fridge a few hours before starting to drink it.

Oh, the directions said chilling that crap would make it taste better. The directions lied.

[woo me with science]

19. LOL!

Congratulations on the good results!

Is your asshole going to take the job?
:rofl:

[Deep13]

20. I'm sure they left an alien tracking device up there.

Don't be surbrised when the MIBs show up at your house. :evilgrin:

[onager]

21. I love you people. You're sick!

:evilgrin:

No, my asshole did not get the job at Fox. Bill O'Reilly threatened to quit due to unfair competition.