I was at a viewing over the weekend, and it got me thinking--

[vixengrl]

how do you convey to your loved ones that you want a godless sending-out? Not that it'll matter to me if I were gone, I guess. The folks could could send me up in a burning barge across the Delaware River with prayers to Odin for all I'd know.

Actually, in my family, there is no strong tradition of church-going. Arrangements for burials and sermons are kind of hurried affairs with a Rent-A-Rev. My grandmother's funeral a few years back kind of irritated me because the young Lutheran priest--our people being tentatively Lutheran, my father's dog tags stating "No Preference" and my grandfather's having been baptized something like a couple dozen times in different denominations during the Depression for the free suppers afterwards notwithstanding--kept referring to Grandmom as God's servant. I was taken aback by a mental image of her with a bucket and mop at a church--"Anything else you want tidying up, your Omnipotence? Because I'd like to get home for Jeopardy & Wheel of Fortune." My own folks have picked out their burial plots, but I'm at odds to figure how they want to go out at all. My father is cynical and probably anti-religion (he's never said a good thing about it.) He kind of reminds me of an old quote whose originator I can't place--"It is my intention my children should be brought up in their father's religion, if they can figure out what it is." My mum fits the profile of "not religious but spiritual." She's a terrifically ethical person. I can't imagine church would do anything but take away from her. Yet both might ask for the traditional pattern of "let's haul some poor collared fellow into a funeral home, give him the factual once-over, and get some kind of churchly sanction over this shoveling-in ceremony."

Knowing me, they'd be fine with a classic rock themed musical score and personal reminiscence in lieu of a so-called "proper burial", and would probably be cool with my desire to be cremated (of what's left--my organs having been somewhat more than "gently used") should I predecease them.

My husband is a stickier matter. His family is church-going old-school Catholic. I would try to carry out a ceremony in keeping with his desires, but the catch is, it would probably completely alienate and maybe even upset his people, if he were to go in an untimely way. The funerals "are" for the living, after all--and most of his living family believes. I actually wonder if there's a way to side-step a Mass, if there's a good way to do a cremation (we're neither of us from cremation-traditions) in a way where I'm not suddenly the bad person for carrying out what he and I already had talked about. What is the way to negotiate between what he and I consider truth, versus the wishes of the rest of his family?

It's a melancholy thought, but I guess it's one we all face eventually. Anyone ever plan a nontheist funeral? How did the believing grievers react?

[cynatnite]

1. Everyone that would have a say knows what I want...

Husband and kids know. No church, no preacher and no outright prayers. Those are my wishes.

A few religious songs and a moment of silence is okay for those who might feel better as a result. I'm dead so it won't matter to me.

A funeral is for the living and if it helps them...that's fine by me.

[onager]

2. You and I share some complications.

I've made it clear that I want to be cremated, but I'm not sure anybody's listening.

Well, one relative does. She's a Crow (the Native American tribe, not the bird :-) ) When I was younger, the two of us could drive my father right thru the roof by arguing with him about whether burial or cremation was "more pagan." She was always on my side.

Those are such good memories. A couple of years ago I ran into her at a family wedding. The first thing she mentioned were those arguments, and they were...well, a long time ago. That made me feel good.

My old man was already apoplectic because I did the same as your father--had "No Preference" stamped on my Marine Corps dogtags.

Oh, I'm originally from Upstate South Carolina. On a package deal years ago, my parents bought burial lots for all of us. Despite the fact that I left SC ASAP--courtesy of the Marines, like most white trash--and have lived in Los Angeles for...well, a long time.

So I guess I'll be stuck with burial there. Though, as you note, I won't know a damn thing about it.

Sorry I'm rambling, but I'm in Egypt and taking a break from a work crisis.

My mother is still religious, but insists that she does not want much religion at her funeral. She does not want any "long-winded prayers" or "sad hymns." She says she wants Elvis songs played at her funeral. I can do that!

You mentioned the Delaware River. I think the prettiest little town I've ever seen is Delaware Water Gap, on the NJ/Penn border. I used to pass thru it often for bidness, on my way to Tobyhanna, PA.

Please don't tell me it's a haven for meth heads and Fundamentalists--often the same people...

[Warpy]

3. Funerals for the living has changed a bit

and now older folks are pre paying for the funeral they want. Both my parents said "fry me" and paid for their cremations ahead of time with a cut rate service. There was no viewing, no fuss, just pick up the body and hold it until the next crematory firing. It was one of the best gifts they gave me.

I grew up with that morbid Catholic stuff about the resurrection of the body and I'll opt for cremation, too, on the extremely small chance they were right. I don't want this body.

The best thing you can do is think about it now and pre pay it if that is an option.

[cynatnite]

4. I honestly haven't decided on cremation...

Maybe I should specify in my will that my children have to carry my ashes around for a minimum of ten years each. That's the only way I can haunt them...since I don't believe in ghosts.

[moggie]

5. You can make jewelry from human ashes

Or I suppose you could have your organs plasticised and turned into paperweights (you'd only want to do this with organs unsuitable for donation).

[cynatnite]

6. Oldest daughter gets my uterus, middle kid get have my brain and son can have my heart.

Excellent idea!

[Warpy]

7. My parents are living in a cardboard box in the guest room

until a windy day in spring when I'll scatter them. It's time to complete the circle if I can get a good day when my back and knees cooperate (they're heavy!)

I knew one person who kept her dad's ashes in the garage because she knew he'd never want to be in the house where her mother was living.

My mother was always afraid of water and threatened to haunt me only if I scattered her over the ocean. I figure that since I live in the desert, I'm safe.

[enlightenment]

9. My mother and and her mother (my gran)

had a very loving and VERY contentious relationship. 65 plus years of one-upsmanship. Gran prearranged for a simple cremation and told my mom that she wanted to have her ashes scattered.

Mom, an only child, of course complied. She and my dad drove up to the mountains, mom carrying the ashes in a box on her lap.

They reach the designated scattering point. Mom ascends the short rise with the box. Dad stays by the car. The day was clear and dry, without so much as a breeze.

Mom opens the box and tosses - at that precise moment a wind springs up, blowing the remains of gran right back in her face.

After a bit of sputtering and eye-wiping, mom returns to the car, gets in and suggests that dad can now leave. They drive in silence for a few miles, then mom says; "damn her anyway. She got the LAST word."

[Iggo]

8. I've let my family know...

...there's a playlist on my iTunes called "For My Funeral." (Come to think of it, I think I'll change it to "All Dead"...lol.)

I pick the tunes. Other than that, they can send me off however they want.

[onager]

11. Or name that playlist "Dead Man's Party."

:hi:

That is a great idea, though. I think I'll do the same.

Wonder if they'd play "Religious Vomit" by The Dead Kennedys?

:rofl:

[stpalmer]

10. Thank you for bringing this to my attention

I would hate it if anyone prayed at my funeral or played religious tunes. Yuck. Cheap and demeaning! I'm going to write my wishes, and hope they all follow them.

[tiddlywinks]

12. get it down on paper...with signatures

nobody can fuss about that!

final wishes document? will? notarized? whatever it takes

[Deep13]

13. You have to do what the deceased wants.

He should explain it to his relatives. You should to yours.

When my grandmother and then my father died, we cremated them and had an outdoor memorial service at his Christmas tree farm with a Protestant minister officiating. Neither of them was especially religious and my father was not at all except that he back-slided a little when his mother died (they went 6 mo. apart). The service could just as easily have been conducted by a relative or friend standing in for the minister. It had none of the dreariness of a typical funeral home wake.

[vixengrl]

14. I talked about it with my husband today--he said, "What family?"

See, his parents are pretty elderly--his dad is 95 and his mom's in her late 70's (She had him pretty late in life). I don't think he's ever actually considered the possibility he might predecease anybody amongst his near relations except possibly his younger brother and sister-in-law and their family. And then he said, "Of course, you'd be the one in charge."

I think he's pretty much avoided the topic with them because he realized he was an atheist in college, and it was kind of like there was a moment when his parents just didn't even want to recognize him. It was difficult. Given that I stank my own parent's house up with incense during my solitary practitioner wicca days at an older age without too much scandal, my mom's only concern about my "out atheism" is whether I'm dogmatic and whether I still can accept other people. (So far, still not too curmudgeonly. An evengelical atheist if not a fundamentalist, although I know people *will* use them interchangeably!) It's easier for me to tell my folks than for him to just hope he outlives his.