I have always felt "unhappy".

[michaelpush]

It seems my whole life I have felt "unhappy". People say I take things too seriously, spend too much time on the bad things in life, focus too much on the negative. I just cant seem to ignore all the bad stuff I see, and, it affects my mood. I have done everything I can think of, medicine, counseling, diet, herbal remedies, vitamins...nothing works. I still have an underlying "low" that varies day to day. Lately, I have been trying to reach out to people hoping I could find some happier moments, thats why I joined this site. Why do I always feel I am on the outside looking in? I don't know really, perhaps its my personality, my approach...hey, my first wife just said I was boring...perhaps I am. Perhaps, I have ambitions and dreams that I could never make happen for me. I am now struggling again with life and whether I want to continue, I cant find a job I enjoy, I can only find temp part time work. The last job I had I was terminated without good cause and had to go to hearings to keep my unemployment ( I was successful in winning my case), but, that just hurt me bad that people would treat me like that. Things these days are just feeling hopeless, and, I don't know what to do, I just fight thru it each day. I have exhausted my search for a job in my field of interest (TV broadcasting). I am feeling very angry inside, and, at the same time, sad. I have my wife and 8 kitties, and, a couple of friends but I cant seem to break thru the cloud of underlying "low", "sadness", "hopelessness" I feel. Can anyone here relate to this?

[EFerrari]

1. Welcome to DU, Michael. I sure can!

:hi:

[knowbody0]

2. oh yeah.

i've been cursed with too much empathy for as long as i can remember, i am a magnet for the sadness of the world. my remedy has always been to volunteer and help out what i consider "worthy" causes. seriously helps me. lots of stuff with kids cause their energy is so healing. animal shelters too. it's amazing.

good luck michaelpush. can i know how you picked your name?

[DemExpat]

3. I can relate with everything you have said here, Michael....

maybe look into reading Elaine Aron's books on The Highly Sensitive Person - they helped me so much in seeing my senstivity as a gift and not a curse.

I loved my life the most when I had young children to raise, but now I have my young dog and my studies to keep myself active, as well as a few select friends and my hubby....:-)

I hope that when my studies are completed next year that I can find part-time work, volunteer work or an active hobby doing something for/with people that feels satisfying to me.

The state of our world doesn't at all add to any feeling of hope and positive progression in the world either. :-(

2 tools I enjoy for these life problems with "no solution" are journalling, yes, just writing your feelings into a journal each day, and long daily walks. Physical exercise that you enjoy done daily and to a certain level of exertion does "blow open the tubes" in your body as well as in your mind!

:hi:

DemEx

[michaelpush]

4. Thank you

for your responses. I knew I couldn't be alone in this. My username is my first name and the first 4 letters of my last name.

I have read about "sensitives" but haven't bought any books you mention. I definitely fall into the "sensitive" category, I just haven't found a way to deal with it. I have done a lot of volunteering, I have worked with various organizations for years. I find music helps some, I am a musician and writer. When I get into the "loss of interest" stage its hard to motivate myself to do anything. I have always had higher expectations than I could accomplish, and, tend to "fizzle out" when I don't achieve the success or level of interest I expect. I recently tried to do a FAST to bring our troops home and I only made it 2 days, I lost the drive when I couldn't get the support I needed, I was just ignored by all the media. I wanted to do much more. It seems everything I try to do, I don't get the support I need to fulfill my expectations and just get discouraged and depressed about it. I guess its not something that can be fixed, after all, I am what I am. I don't know how much longer I can survive this world, I take it one day at a time. I am hoping sharing with people might help.

[Random_Australian]

5. Hi there Micheal.

First, a hug :hug:
Next, my line that applies to everyone with any problem: You are alive, so you will always have the chance to be happy.

I am afraid that though I know many things, fulfillment is not something I understand yet. (And I am one of those people who has to really 'get' something to work out what to do with it) so I can offer only a little advice, but I felt you would appreciate the support.

But like the other guy said, exercise is your friend, though daily is best.

Something is missing, you want something that you can't get. There is a basic disconnect between actions that once gave reward and the reward now, I would think.

So, you have not been able to fix the world yet; as in all things experience will help, so therefore starting helping some small cause where you actually do something hands-on or use your time is probably a good idea, but make sure that if you are not going to be happy with 'on top of my job, I make a certain corner of the world a nicer place' to leave room for the expansion of helping in your life.


That is what I have to say, and I will add that I hope things turn out ok.

And finally, from what other people have said about bieng sensitive to the needs of others, I hear that alright. My purpose as I see it is to lay the groundwork with which people will help themselves, so that far in the future, the world will be good.

:hug:

[michaelpush]

6. Thank you..

"Something is missing, you want something that you can't get. There is a basic disconnect between actions that once gave reward and the reward now, I would think."

Certainly something is missing. and, probably something I cant get, like a "feeling" inside that says "you have worth" or " what you say is important". My current work involves taking care of 8 cats my wife and I have rescued. The costs of everything keeps going up, and, I would never give up my cats, I would go hungry first. Every time I get a few extra dollars, something breaks down or we have an extra expense that takes it away, I can never get ahead so I can feel a little "comfort zone". At the same time I have to deal with my "lows"...just pulls me down. I do get exercise, but, sometimes I spend 2-3 days recovering from the aches and pains. If I could just find something I could feel good about doing. I try to find volunteer work but most of it is 30 miles away and I cant afford the gas to get there. Locally I have tried to organize a Peace group, done free concerts, but, hardly anyone came and nobody answered my article I put in the local paper. I finally just gave up. I had a website promoting sponsorship of children, I actually had 6 children I was sponsoring with donations, after a while it dried up and I couldn't do it on my own. My family has no interest in what I am doing. I just feel I am coming to a dead end in the road, and, I am just sitting there wondering what I should do next or where should I go. Sorry if I am rambling, I just have a lot to "release".

[mopinko]

8. 2-3 days recovering from the aches and pains.

this is a classic symptom of fibromyalgia. and you sound a lot like me, in other ways as well. getting effective treatment for my fibro changed my life.

[michaelpush]

9. Other people have mentioned that...

I have a friend with it...I take over the counter stuff...helps a little...

[mopinko]

11. see a doctor that knows how to treat it.

although there are still some out there that "do not believe in it". i take a couple of meds for it, and it changed my life. not that i sing and dance, and forget what is happeneing to my country, and my planet.
don't know what your healthcare situation is, but most of the drugs that are prescribed are old, inexpensive drugs.
elevil, or trazadone, old anti-depressants, are given in very small doses. sometimes topamax, or gabapentin, which i take, which are epilepsy drugs, plus a muscle relaxant. the one i am taking is a newer, more expensive one, which does not cause drowsiness. but i take it at night, and i was thinking about asking my doctor to switch me to one of the older one, which has sleepiness as a side effect. getting good sleep is crucial. and mine is not always good.
by over the counter, do you mean pain meds? my experience is that you feel better for a while, but in the end you feel worse. this is typical. i tried a dozen pain meds, none that worked. on a new one now that seems ok, but i haven't made up my mind.
yoga helped me a lot, but i could not do it until i got some treatment.
see a doctor, asap, friend. you are suffering because you have a treatable glitch in your brain chemistry.
feel free to pm me if you have questions.

[michaelpush]

12. Thanks for the info,

Unfortunately, I have no insurance and no money for Dr's or Meds right now. I am trying to find a job that has benefits but there isn't any. All part-time no benefits. Even if I found one, half my check would go to health costs, cant afford it...I am like many other people in our country....caught between a rock and a hard place!

[mopinko]

13. i understand, but

these are not expensive medicines. if you are unemployed maybe you can get them through your county health dept.
it will be a lot easier to get and function in a job if you are feeling better.
one more little fact about fibro for you, since this is free-
starting an exercise program, especially something like yoga that help on both the physical and emotional parts of it, will help a lot. the important thing is, 10-15 minutes is all you can do at first. even 5 minutes of gentle stretching a day, for as long as a month. whatever works for you. if you are taking 2-3 days to recover, you are doing WAY, WAY too much.
take it easy on yourself. easy to say, tough to do.

[michaelpush]

14. Thanks....

Today Is a hard day...Physically and emotionally.

[undergroundpanther]

18. Last year I took Trazadone

It was 18 bucks for a month supply. Gabitril was like 23 bucks this past winter/spring for a months worth.. The old drugs are damn cheep and work better than most of the new bullshit. Oh And some shrinks get samples. they can hand you a pile,One of my old shrinks kept me going on samples..

[ncrainbowgrrl]

20. Have you ever heard of Dysthymic Disorder?

It's sorta a "low grade depression" where you can get through the day, but everything just feels kinda- for lack of a better word, "blah." For me, it manifests itself as having to make a conscious effort to do anything at all but lay on the couch. I can have fun, if I'm out with others, but even that takes its toll on my energy level. After a while, i get "tired" = and have to leave sometimes. Dysthymia can make you feel like "why bother" or "why should I care."
It's a horrible way to go through life, imho! My hobbies, interests and even pets start to seem less important- and my pets are like my children. It's also a horribly alienating feeling- it feels like no one really is interested or understands what I care about, so why bother to explain things... it's not going to matter- it won't change anything.

I usually can't tell if I'm slipping into a dysthymic period- if/when my meds need to be tweaked, etc... and since I suffered for SO many years without diagnosis, I learned all too well how to mask my feeling to those around me.

I also have major depressive disorder, and I'd almost rather have a relapse of That, even though it's more serious, potentially. If I'm clinically diagnosable as having MDD at the time, it either going to be more obvious to those around me that something's wrong, or I'm going to feel like busting up into tears in random crying jags. Dysthymia is more of a silent, slow, and slow drain- and by the time I realize that I've slipped, I need to do some serious damage control-- bills don't get paid on time-- "I'll do it tomorrow- right now I just want to be here on the couch", laundry piles up to the point where I start wearing "interview clothes" because I don't have any more business casual things to wear. Then, there are the less serious things to look at- re-reading stuff I wrote while my brain wasn't up to full functioning state, and apologizing to friends if I had to cancel plans at the last moment. . . But- at the end of the episode- when meds and I are working together again the way they're supposed to, everything brightens up. All of a sudden, life is no longer gray, dull, or just another chore. I feel like I'm seeing things in color again after watching everything on a black and white TV. I start to feel again, and I remember why I have a unicycle avatar- I'll go for a ride and enjoy it. I'll be tired when I return, but I won't feel the same kind of tired- the kind that makes the soul feel exhausted in addition to the body.

Anyhow- this is just my experience. It may or may not be pertinent to you. I just wanted to let you know that I understand how it feels when taking the next step to get to the next day isn't as easy for you as for others around you.

[BigMama50]

7. I was wondering whether or not

your sadness is related to the time of day at all. Like worse in the PM?

I have had that issue most of my life. I am chipper in the AM, and after lunch I am filled with dread. It gets better after dinner. Prozac helps somewhat.

[michaelpush]

10. Don't think so, at least I haven't

really payed much attention to the time of day...I have been on many anti-depressants, including Prozac. I went off all my drugs when I couldn't get the Doctor to renew my prescriptions without coming in for a visit. I tried to negotiate a reasonable price but they refused. I am now dealing with it all using diet, exercise, and, pure willpower. Some days I get very close to the edge, I just wait for it to pass. I have no insurance, couldn't afford the Dr's visits and the drugs and since they wouldn't renew for me, I had to go without either.

[raccoon]

15. Yes, I can relate to that.

Having had issues with depression on and off throughout my life.

I believe I was depressed as a child and adolescent but it was never diagnosed, much less dealt with.

If I had to guess, my guess would be you're from a dysfunctional, non-supportive family (I am).

You mentioned you have no insurance. BTDT. Is there a local mental health center, a branch of your state's Dept. of Mental Health or whatever they call it? They charge based on your income (sliding scale) and you may be able to get on a patient-assistance program to help you with meds. There again, BTDT.

Hang in there, and keep us posted.

[hashibabba]

16. Michael, I'm so sorry you're having so much trouble

Definitely get some exercise. Don't overdo it, just start small and build up slowly. Also, sleep is very important as was also said here.
Then, call your county and find out what mental health centers they have available to you where you'll pay a sliding fee (I pay $5 a visit). If you don't qualify for medicare part D, then you will be able to get meds from some of the companies for free. There are nutritional supplements that should help mild and maybe moderate depression, but you sound like you're way past that.
You CAN be helped! I was just so bad, I can't even believe I made it out alive. That was a dozen or more years ago and I've come a long way. I don't have nearly the obstacles I used to have.

If your depression is debilitating enough, they will get you to file for Social Security Disability. Get all the free or low-cost help you can. It's available out there. I had to take advantage of it all, so I know its possible.

Keep the faith, it really can get better for you.

[Tab]

17. Hi Michael,

Welcome to the group!

Standard disclaimer: I am not a doctor (or a lawyer, or a priest, goodness knows!).

What you describe sounds like chronic depression. Seriously - a talk with your doctor (no need to go to a psychiatrist, although your doctor will probably recommend a counselor of some kind to help the process). Chances are that some anti-depressants will do you a world of good. Once you get in the chronic depression trap, it's hard for anything, short of meds, to drag you out of there.

Your self-description makes me think this is the likeliest issue, not to mention your comment about life, specifically whether you want to continue. The meds are relatively inexpensive. Think of it a as a cost of doing business. If you want to succeed in your line of work, get new jobs, make it happen, you need to invest in the meds (and perhaps the therapy) to make that happen for you. You will more than get your money back. Minimal cost out of pocket: one doctor's visit and the cost of a prescription. Further costs are if you do any kind of therapy, but since you're purchasing it, you can control what your spending (e.g.: how often you visit). Some have sliding fees too, depending on what uninsured people can afford. Point being, it's not address or not address the issue, but you should address it, and the scale to which you do so is up to you, rather than it being an all-or-nothing cost proposition.

You know the adage about life throwing you lemons. I'm lactose-intolerant. If life gives me milk, sometimes I need to take lactaid in order to enjoy it.

Take care,

- Tab

[undergroundpanther]

19. But if your constipated..

You can make the milk work for you..LOL..I'm lactose intolerant too and once I had been really uncomfortable for a few days and nothing was helping so I drank a latte with no lactaid first..It worked in 15 minutes,I felt so much better once all was said and done..and it tasted way better than Milk of Magenesia my mom said to use..Uggg..!

[Tab]

21. That's too much information

but don't think I don't appreciate it. :)

[Deja Q]

24. Especially when the cow readily eats gone-off grass,

the result of which is the sour milk.

[stepnw1f]

22. I Just Read Your Post And Have to Say...

I can relate. My feelings of hopelessness, boredom, and insecurity go as far back as I can remember. Due to my depression, I would get sick or have flu-like symptoms quite often... so often that now I may lose my job.

Amongst crowds, I would get very nervous, especially if I did not know the people. Sometimes I just would rather isolate from folks, because I just wouldn't have any interest in anything to even have a decent conversation with others. Today, I ridiculed for being boring and negative... I really can't blame them for saying so.

There are days where I would feel good, but they just never lasted that long. I didn't want to live any longer but couldn't bring myself to ending it, so I got help before it was too late. I confided to my parents and they gave me the moral support I needed. Today I struggle but am much better than I was before.

I really hope you feel better soon...

[Deja Q]

23. Are you my identical soul twin?

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: