Some thoughts after a first therapy session after many years.

[EFerrari]

Well, I thought that it might be a good idea to do a shortish run of sessions to see if that support could help me the the next step -- which seems to be a fuller re-entry into a reconfigured life.

Last week, my brain seemed to be working a little better. It gave me a good idea for a business project and the clarity to call the Admissions Office at New College for an appointment. If I'm reading their information correctly, I can get the degree I want in a year or so, maybe a little more. So, I know where I've been and where I want to go. Seemed like a good time to get some help walking over the bridge.

The therapist was kind, empathetic and today I'm not at all sure that talking therapy is a good idea. At first, it just felt good to have reached out some. But, there has been some very serious "whiplash" and I'm not at all sure that rehashing these last years will be useful instead of just re-traumatizing. There was some really, really bad stuff in there. And there will have to be rehashing while the therapist gets to know me.

And, too, it feels exhausting to do what amounts to teaching about how our families live, cope, fail, frame. I wonder if I shouldn't just call up Marsha Linehan's office (specializes in BPD) and ask if they know a specialist local to me?

Or, if I should just decide not to go there at all.

I've known too many Spaniards.

:shrug:

[Droopy]

1. You know what they say about talk therapy?

It will get worse before it gets better. Hang in there and see what happens after you have talked about the recent bad stuff. That stuff is important to your therapist and it will likely be important to you as well instead of just a "rehashing."

Regarding the schooling: pursue what you want to pursue in life. If it works out you will be in a better postion in life. If it doesn't work out at least you can say that you tried. We never get anywhere unless we try. That goes for therapy as well as life. I have tried and failed on many occasions, but I'm a better person for it. If you don't try you will spend your old age wondering, "What if?" I've also succeeded in life to some degree, but it never would have happened unless I was willing to take a chance.

Go get 'em. You know what you've got to do.

[DemExpat]

2. Well, I am of the mind that re-hashing is a good thing,

and the more feelings, thoughts, ideas, and awful states are "re-hashed" with good therapist guidance, the sooner they will be truly processed, dealt with and put to a degree of rest in the psyche - because it is then understood and given its place.

The problem with trauma (as probably all of us here know) is that it can continually be felt as a present situation, and to my mind this can only be truly treated through processing it all with a good therapist.

But believe me, I know how terrible it can all seem when it is brought to the forefront of our consciousness. But I have learned that facing it all though intense and painful is truly not as awful in the long run as living with it all "just under the surface" and threatening to break through at every inevitable setback or stress in my life.

Processing past trauma and intense feelings never went well with me with studies - the reason why I kept quitting them in my younger years, and why now I am taking the stand to complete them at this stage in my life. 6 months to go, and I am very excited about this prospect!

All the best with this, I think if you can find a good therapist match, you should take advantage of the opportunity and go for it.

:grouphug:

DemEx

[blue neen]

3. IMHO, talk therapy is what has given me some inner peace.

It took a couple of years (don't want to bum you out about the length of time--sometimes it was weeks or months between visits) to actually really work through the trauma that life hands us. It is an educational process, giving you a better understanding of yourself and the reasons why you react the way you do.

It can also change your way of life--you can change your outlook from negative to positive. It may take some work, but I really believe positive thinking can help adjust your brain chemicals for the better.

The beginning of therapy can be really tough. You can leave the office feeling worse than when you went in. I think it's because your sub-conscious is trying to resolve issues that perhaps have been pushed out of the way. It's all worth it, though. Really, it is.

Don't be afraid to change therapists if you feel you are not "connecting." There are good ones and bad ones, just like any profession.

Good luck. :)

[EFerrari]

4. Thanks for your replies. I've made the same case myself

many times.

But, you know, there's some here that's making my belly flip. Like your Spidey Sense?

I don't know what it is yet but I always get into trouble when I ignore it.

. . . . .

Maybe it's a simple as needing to go to a specialist because it's too steep a climb to try to explain borderline families to a perfectly good but inexperienced in that realm therapist. I don't know yet. :)

[DemExpat]

5. Nothing at all wrong with seeking more specialism here IMO.

Since by now many of us are old pros in our mental health management!

:hug:

DemEx

[EFerrari]

6. Thank you, DemEx.

I'm enough of an "old hand" to want to be careful -- with us all.

Because it matters. There's something here that feels like a "set up" or like a trap, maybe for me or for the therapist or for the doctor and it would be too bad to just ignore that. No use setting us all up to fail. None of us need that kind of character building. :)

I'll call Marsha Linehan's group on Monday and ask them for a local referral.

I'm sorry to have been /be such a pain in the @ss for the last six months. This is just what is happening and I don't know any other way to handle it but to try. This is all for something, I just don't know for what quite yet. Thank you for being here.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[CoffeeCat]

7. Hey sfexpat---

I truly understand your feelings--and I'm sure you are sorting through all of this well. It's a lot to think about,
and I know you will find the answers you seek. You always have such a strong, resolute voice--it comes through
online.

I read your post and I wondered about something. It might not fit, but I thought I would throw it out there.

You mentioned that your "brain seemed to be working a little better" and that you had a great business idea. You
were doing well and it seems that you were being creative and resourceful--and seeking out ways to make a great
idea come to fruition.

Then you thought about asking for help. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. It's healthy. However, I'm
wondering what thought processes sparked you to ask for help (you don't have to answer). I think WHY you felt
that you couldn't do this without help--may be important to ponder. Did you think you weren't capable? Do
you feel guilty when you succeed?

It sounds like we both hail from trauma-entrenched families. As we all know--being healthy, creative and intelligent
don't really work well in dysfunctional families. To survive, we stuff down our ideas, creativity and our success.
Being healthy is a threat to the system--so we learn that success and realizing ideas is dangerous. Again, that
may not fit for you, but I know I have issues with this and I thought you might relate.

I'm always great at ideas, but fear kicks in when I realize that I can make something happen. I became conditioned
to fear "being myself" or expressing the best parts of myself.

I think the WHY of what brought you to therapy is worthy of examining with a therapist. Yes, it hurts to rehash the
old stuff. It's like ripping off a band-aid. However, I think you can agree that you have done a lot of healing
in the past--and your current understanding of your past has come a long way--since you first entered therapy. It
might hurt for a bit--to tell again--but the insight and growth you'll gain will allow you to heal further and move
to that next level.

I so understand this though. As I mentioned in a previous post, I detailed my abuse with the police--and I now
feel like I've been catapulted back. I'm feeling icky right now--but in that "icky" is some unprocessed stuff and
an opportunity for growth--so I'm pressing forward.

You're so insightful and you have such a strong voice, sfexpat--I know you'll come through beautifully on this.

TS

[EFerrari]

9. I know why. Every step forward is also a step away

from something I loved and, it hurts like hell. There's a part that doesn't want to feel that "my heart in a meat grinder" feeling. So, this time I want to make extra triple sure that this therapist is a very strong person, maybe even a Super Hero, just in case this experience tries to kill me.

:hi:

[CoffeeCat]

15. Wow, sfexpat...

...that is very profound.

It sounds like you have a very astute understanding of your process.

I know that "heart in a meat grinder" feeling, too. It's understandable that you would
want to avoid it. I'm in it currently, and I'm a total basket case while it's happening.
I can't intellectualize my way out of it, and it feels as if the trauma happened ten minutes
ago.

I think you're being smart with your careful selection of a therapist. A good example
of "self care".

I hope you're doing well. Sending you loads of sparkly, white light to get you through the day.

:hi:

[EFerrari]

16. I wouldn't trust me to scramble eggs right now.

But, here we are.

:hug:

Be well, dear friend.

[CoffeeCat]

17. Hey...

"...scrambled eggs..." You make me chuckle.

I guess sometimes we can't do the scrambling, and sometimes we just
pour a bowl of Fruit Loops---so to speak. :)

I hope you're doing ok, and feeling less meat-grinderish.

:hug:

[mopinko]

8. if i ever do it again-

i have had a couple of truly miserable experiences with therapy. short, but miserable. if i try it again, i am going to spend the first session having the therapist do the talking. i would have known from the get go that it wasn't what i was looking for.

[EFerrari]

10. That's a really, really good idea. n/t

[Forkboy]

11. Just bouncing by to say hello

I really don't have any advice for others too often.I haven't figured out how to lead my own life yet.I personally don't feel like I get anything from therapy,but like they said in The Departed,"the Irish are the only people impervious to psychoanalysis." I suspect I'm like an onion...a bunch of layers surrounding nothing. :)

But I wanted to say hello,and I hope things are going ok and that you find some solid ground to stand on when it comes to the things troubling you.

:hi:

[EFerrari]

12. Thank you, Forkboy!

Maybe I'm Irish and just don't know it. lol

:hi:

[hunter]

13. A bunch of layers surrounding... not nothing...

... but another onion.

Or maybe an Irishman.

[Forkboy]

14. My inner-Irishman?

:D

[EFerrari]

18. I think I figured this "belly flipping" out.

I need my meds to kick in before I start this therapy or I am risking being retraumatized with physical consequences that I'm not willing to put up with. It's surprising that, after what I described in the office, no one else thought of it first.

But at least someone did think of it and at bottom, my health is my responsibility. Unless someone wants to adopt it. :silly:

[DemExpat]

19. Follow your intuition on this, Beth.

There are different roads for each of us, I believe!
For me it was getting off the meds and processing the trauma with a good therapist which helped me re-contextualize the feelings to allow me to be better able to keep the traumatic feelings from feeling so "now" when they are triggered by stresses in the present.

This was a beneficial path for me as I am now 25 years depression and fobia free, although not the picture of perfect mental health, mind you! :silly:

But I did Primal therapy (re-experiencing the trauma) in the late 70s and early 80s which appealed to me at that time. (With a few subsequent short periods of counselling when I felt the need)

Our health is our own responsibility, I do agree with this and have learned this for myself the hard way!

:hug:

DemEx

[CoffeeCat]

20. DemEx, our paths sound similar...

I agree with you that each of us has our own road, when it comes to processing
traumatic stuff. What's good for one person, may not fit for another. Also, what's
good for me today, may not be optimal in a few months, or even years.

Like you, I did primal therapy. I felt the need to do it without meds. I think meds
are beneficial in many cases, and I may go that route in the future. However, when
I first began therapy, I was processing repressed memories. I felt that I needed to
face and process what I had conveniently tucked away for so many years--even decades.

Not only was I learning about what happened to me, I was learning how to manage basic
emotions--and understanding the automatic responses I had to emotions--which were negative
coping skills learned in childhood. I needed to unravel those coping skills and learn
to slowly "shed the armor" that I grew around myself in childhood. Gosh, that hurts
coming off!

I feel that this route was a great investment for me, although it might not be the best
for some.

I find myself now completely re-triggered (for the first time since I ended the primal
therapy two years ago), and I'm very humbled. I thought I was over all of this.

I guess my journey is continuing. I'm back in therapy again.

It's good to hear that you have been depression and phobia free for 25 years. What
a success story. You obviously worked very hard in therapy and did some very
profound work. Kudos to you.

Thanks for sharing with us. It's good to hear success stories. :)

[DemExpat]

21. Much of the real work is after therapy, as you are perhaps finding out now, TwoSparkles.

It's good to hear that you have been depression and phobia free for 25 years. What
a success story. You obviously worked very hard in therapy and did some very
profound work. Kudos to you.

Thanks for sharing with us. It's good to hear success stories.

I used Homeopathy to support my efforts after my therapy, great placebo effect if nothing else - which helped me tremendously!
And trying to focus each moment on the "now" instead of the patterns of feelings from back then - did great practice with Zazen Meditation practice for several years as well.

Most of all, I did try medications - for years - but was unhappy with the results, so in this light I had to try to find other ways to build up balance and stability.

Thanks for your kind words and sharing of similar experience. There is no one road to go IMO, and I am just infinitely grateful that I found the one for me that has worked until now. I also am conscious of the possibility that things may change in the future and I might have to be open to something else. That's life, IMO.

Keep at it, follow your intuition, and, as I said earlier, enjoy and love those dear kids - mine helped me more than I could ever thank them for now. If you can do this, you can spare them too heavy a load to bear in their futures, by giving them the most precious gift - a loving, open Mom. This is certainly something Primal therapy taught me - to see (feel!) what a child needs and how to go about providing that as best I could for my own kids! Just my experience here.....

:grouphug:

DemEx

edit: And I hope that your re-triggered feelings are eased very soon - the rawness and excruciating depth of the wound is beyond bearing at these times, I do know this! :hug:
I have found that the more you can process these again, the less intense the triggered feelings become down the road, and when they do arise, they pass much more quickly than in the days when they consumed us. I used to freak out when feelings were triggered after I thought I had dealt with them, and dreaded a full-blown return to deep depression/phobias, but now feelings DO come up once in awhile, but without panic anymore, because I know that if I just go upstairs to be alone for awhile (write in my journal!), it will all subside soon. The most they linger anymore is a day or two....and now I can see them as a part of me, and not as enemies out to destroy me.....

[EFerrari]

22. My mom, who also has had a long walk, talked to me recently

about the fear that whatever pain we were managing would get "worse". And, we laughed because we both have had that same panic at one time or another: "I'm barely managing NOW. What if this gets WORSE?"

I don't know which one of us came up with the idea, but we decided that when that thought happens, it's fear needing a hug. Sometimes, fear just needs a hug. :)

[EFerrari]

23. That's quite an accomplishment, DemEx.

So much work and faith.

:hug:

I've tried going without meds -- using all kinds of other means because I really don't like taking them. But, it doesn't work for me. So, looks like acceptance is my deal right now.

Darn!

lol