|
I don't know a lot about your situation, but it sounds like you've been through a very scary time. You mentioned that you almost died from an illness. That would be very traumatic.
I have PTSD, due to childhood stuff. However, the underlying dynamics of PTSD are pretty universal (whether you survive an illness, a war, a bad childhood or a bad accident). When you have an extremely stressful situation that you can't immediately process--your mind and body help you--by putting those emotions on hold.
I imagine, with your illness--you tried hard to be strong and to fight back from your illness. You couldn't feel every emotion, because you were trying to get healthy again and gain strength. It makes sense that you would suppress some of your emotions. In fact, it's an intelligent, creative response--and something you needed to to do survive.
You mentioned that "disturbances" are hard to deal with. I imagine, since you've got a lot of emotions pent up--that seeing strong emotion triggers your pent up emotions (I hope that makes sense!). It sounds like you have some pretty powerful emotions that are emerging--and those emotions are right there on the surface. Now that your illness is better, these emotions are closer to the "surface"--to enable you to deal with them now.
That's what my therapist kept reminding me. My emotions came when I was strong and ready. The emotions were scary--intense fear, anger, sadness, helplessness. However--it takes the mind a ton of energy to hold those emotions down--and your mind will only allow you to process--when you're on solid ground.
When you feel scared or upset--try to remain calm and allow yourself to process them. Find a safe place. Write about your emotions--this helped me tremendously. When my fear would surface, I kept reminding myself that I was safe and ok now--a resourceful adult who survived! I was feeling emotions that I had to temporarily suspend--but that I would be ok. These emotions were "moving through" me--they weren't due to something that was happening at the moment.
Another thing my therapist said---the worst has all ready happened and you survived. That's certainly true for you. You were very ill and you were very terrified. You're ok now. Your mind just needs to release all of the emotions surrounding that event.
You WILL be ok. I know this is scary. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Processing these emotions is the way to freedom. After some of my intense emotions were purged--I literally felt as if someone removed an anchor from my shoulders! Releasing these emotions won't hurt you. It might feel scary and sad sometimes--but you will get through this.
I strongly recommend that you find a therapist who can help you through this time. I saw a PTSD expert, and you should find a therapist who understands PTSD.
Also, try Googling PTSD. You will find a bounty of information. It's helpful to read about PTSD, and realize that you aren't going crazy or weak or off the deep end. The more you read about PTSD, the more you will understand yourself and that will help your healing.
Best to you. I hope that helped in some way! :hug:
|