Suicide.

[murielm99]

It used to be a scandal that was only whispered about behind closed doors. Churches offered little comfort to the survivors, because suicide was a sin.

What do we Christians say now to survivors that can comfort them? What do I say this afternoon, when I visit the survivors of a 23-year-old Iraq war veteran who committed suicide?

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. Suicide comes from unbearable suffering a sense of profound powerlessness

and it is not a sin.

And I'll say it again - suicide is not a sin.

For the suicidal person, the suicide is a release from the suffering, and also a way to have, finally, control/power over something (and I don't mean that in a bad way of wanting to dominate something).

Suicide is also not the result of things that other people do or not do. So often, the survivors wonder "What did I miss? Where did I fail?" and often there was nothing missed, and no failure occurred.

[RevCheesehead]

2. I keep it simple.

"I am deeply sorry for your pain. You must be asking many agonizing questions. Please know I am here for you when you need to talk. For right now, I grieve with you."

[flamingyouth]

3. I just tell people I am deeply sorry for their loss.

My husband committed suicide, so I've been there. Just be there for them. They'll need all the friends and support they can get right now.

I don't know these people, but my heart aches for them. :cry:

[murielm99]

4. You know something?

Right now I am just so ANGRY with him that I could scream. I am sure he was in pain. His family is in terrible pain.

But he was well-loved. The line at the visitation was around the block when I got there and when I left. He could have asked for help. He should not have assumed that he was the only one who ever experienced pain.

[RevCheesehead]

5. Anger is a normal reaction to death...

and even more common in violent deaths. When suicide happens, the anger is more focused and intense. I tell people it's OK to be angry, and to express their rage, rather than bottle it up. Then you move on to the next step.

Grief is truly hard work. :hug:

[murielm99]

6. My son is out with his friends right now.

They said that Timmy was stationed near the airport in Baghdad. He was supposed to go back. He didn't talk about everything he saw, but he did not want to go back. He killed himself rather than go back.

[RevCheesehead]

7. Ah - now there's a focus for the anger.

And perhaps some answers to the question "why."

I can't begin to say how much I despise this war. Too many lives...and no acceptable excuses. Sadly, his death will not be counted among the war casualties - even though is is most certainly another victim of this senseless war.

Much love to you, muriel. I'll keep you in my prayers. :hug:

[funflower]

10. What a tragic loss. He is a casualty of this war. None of us can

understand the pain he must have been experiencing.

[flamingyouth]

8. Anger is a totally normal reaction to suicide.

The singer Judy Collins wrote a great book called "Sanity & Grace," about her son's suicide. What you're feeling is completely normal, believe me. :hug:

[Bluerthanblue]

11. he didn't assume that-

and what he felt in the moment eclipsed everything else-

Be angry- you have every right to be- you feel abandoned and hurt, and sad, and frustrated, and scared, and powerless.

But, don't think you understand what he was going through- unless you've been there, you can't- all 'rational' thought goes out the window- the only thing that matters, is 'making it stop' at any cost- even the knowledge that you will be doing unbearable harm to those you leave behind-

i've been there-

but i'm still here-
at least for now.

he didn't want to hurt anyone- we all have breaking points-


someday, maybe, you'll find yourself able to frogive him- i hope so- for both your sakes. may you never know the anguish and desperation he felt-

my heart, and thoughts go out to you-
and to all he left behind.

[GreenPartyVoter]

9. I lost an uncle to suicide. I don't believe it is a sin, but as a

universalist I don't believe in Hell anyway.

I think RevCheesehead has the right plan for how to handle it. "I'm sorry" is usually the best you can offer. :hug:

[no name no slogan]

12. suicide survivor here

I am a suicide survivor-- and thank God every day that I didn't succeed at killing myself. The #1 cause of suicide in this country is due to untreated mental illness (or "brain diseases" as many of us prefer to call them).

Brain diseases often have physical, chemical or even genetic causes-- just like many other diseases.

Like mental ilnnesses, suicide has become more and more destigmatized. Society is finally realizing that mental illness is not a moral weakness but has other causes-- many of which can be treated effectively with medication, behavior modification or therapy-- or a combination of all of these.

The best thing you can do for the family is to give them comfort, and reinforce that their son is now in a better place and is no longer suffering.

IMHO suicide is no greater a "sin" than eating pork or shrimp, non-marital sex, growing two crops in the same field, or wearing fabric made from two kinds of fiber, or taking God's name in vain (all "Old Testament"-style sins, IIRC). The greatest comfort you can give the family is unconditional love and support. That is what they need now in this time of sadness.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

13. The medieval theory was that suicide was "the one unforgivable sin"

because it was considered self-murder, only unlike with ordinary murder, you couldn't go to confession and be absolved.

Most intelligent churches have not taught that for years and treat suicide as a tragedy, not a sin.

[Bluerthanblue]

14. i thought the one unforgivable sin

was to quench the holy spirit?

And the spirit isn't quenched by causing or allowing oneself to die-

People commit slow suicide everyday- none of us escape death eventually.
Murder of another soul, would seem to be a far greater sin than chosing to go home on your own schedule.

It is a tragedy for those left behind- And a difficult thing for those left behind to accept anc come to terms with. But, all death is difficult to cope with- for those who must remain living.