Hater update...

[Critters2]

You may recall some conflict in the church about a year to a year and a half ago. Well, the people in the middle of all that, who continue to STRONGLY dislike me, have been asking around about whether my profile (read: resume') is circulating. They've asked the moderator and my assistant. For the record, my profile is not in circulation, though I've certainly considered it over the last year.

I'm wondering why they're asking. When I came here, they actually had someone else they were hoping would get the call. That their friend didn't and I did has been one source of tension...as if I either knew about or had anything to do with that. :eyes: I don't know what's up now, but it's irritating that they're rearing their not so attractive heads when things seem to be going well.

This is an interesting job, that's for damn sure!

[kwassa]

1. church politics are the worst politics around

and everyone is fighting over next-to-nothing.

I feel almost guilty for being in a church now where everyone is friendly and nice.

Good luck, and stay on the high road, and watch your back.

[Critters2]

6. Yeah. Churches are often filled with people who feel they have no power

in most areas of their lives...so they assert what little power they have in this setting. If one remembers that, one can actually feel some sympathy, or better yet, empathy for them. Which helps to prevent ripping their freaking heads off!!

[JerseygirlCT]

2. Good luck, Critters. That's got to be hard

Does your church have some formalized way of calling their ministers? I'm sure there are people disappointed with every call, but a formal system seems to insulate the new person a bit.

[Critters2]

5. We have a call process, which means the church calls the pastor,

after a search process. It's by mutual agreement of the church and pastor, but not an appointment by a bishop or anything like that. The call process here was bizarre, though. I told them I wasn't interested after the phone interview, but one guy on the search committee thought I was the perfect candidate for this church, and wouldn't stop calling me. One day, he actually flew (in his private plane) to the town where I was serving in Iowa to meet with me...without telling me ahead of time. People in Iowa, including the Associate Conference Minister, started telling me that I really needed to think about going to a church that was this sure I was right for them...so I relented, interviewed, and took the call.

Then my mother was Dx'd with a brain tumor three days after I moved here, and my entire support network was back in Iowa, which made it hard to cut those ties. My ACM here even told me not to worry about the boundaries stuff, to get support wherever I could. So that was good--made me feel less guilty. He's now the Iowa Conference Minister, and a pretty good soul, imo.

Things seemed to settle into a routine and be going okay after my mom's death. Until the conflict arose a year and a half ago. And now I thought things were going well again. I thought.

I'll weather this storm, too. I assume. The thing about being at this as long as I have, is that shit tends to roll off me. People think they're creating a crisis, and this crap does cause problems. But between my experience, my mediation training, and 10 years of working at my 12-step serenity, I've gotten fairly good at weathering storms.

[JerseygirlCT]

10. I'm glad for that.

Our process involves a great many meetings, surveys, questionnaires, all done under the supervision of someone from the diocese. This is all handled only by a search committee at church. They go through this very involved process, the diocese suggests some names, they meet with them, watch video of their sermons, etc, and whittle it down to a few. Then they bring the few to our place (all hush, hush, though - no one not on the committee knows). After all that, they select their choice, and bring it to the vestry - which votes on the person, who is then called. But of course, can say no. It can be a real PITA (we really thought we'd found someone to stay for years and years last time - and she wanted to - but developed some awful health problems that forced her to retire with a disability. Heartbreaking all around - we all loved her). But the structure of it all sort of insulates us from too much of the pick a little, talk a little bit. If someone wants to complain, it's easy to suggest they should have volunteered for the committee and given up countless hours to the search process if they were so concerned!

Oh, and I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. And that you had to go through that without your support there...

[supernova]

3. Oh how I hate that!

Just when things are going well, someone HAS TO stir up some shit... just because it's too quiet.

I'm sorry these folks are at it again, critters.

:grouphug:

[Critters2]

8. Thanks, sn. I'll surive it. Again. I did before.

Too bad it has to rear it's ugly head, though.

[Kajsa]

4. That sucks, Critters!

There are disgruntled people everywhere, eh?

You've done a great job, and yes, watch your back!

:hug:

[Critters2]

7. Seriously! Nine new members, and 2 more interested. In a church

that took in a total of 3 new members in the preceding pastorate. I credit much of this to my having discovered Girard, and actually preaching the Gospel Jesus intended...but even that came by way of my own commitment to continuing education, good preaching...and wanting to preach the Gospel.

Some people are never satisfied, though.

[hvn_nbr_2]

13. Possible dumb, uninformed question: Who is Girard? nt

[Critters2]

14. Not a dumb question at all. The fault is mine, for using pastoral "insider talk".

Rene' Girard is an anthropologist whose work on sacrifice, scapegoating, religious violence, and communal rivalries has become an important influence on a growing number of theologians...and whose work, imo, makes most clear what Jesus did and said and intended. I know that's a pretty huge claim to make, but his work has revolutionized my understanding of the Gospel, and my preaching.

Here's his wiki article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rene_Girard

[hvn_nbr_2]

15. Thanks. nt

[Critters2]

9. Hay mas!

Here's the latest...I go to my piano lesson today, which I take from someone who's a good friend of the haters, if not one herself. And she starts telling me that I should go to therapy to work through my "grief" over the conflict from last year. And besides, she says, everyone should see a therapist from time to time. Then she says it's probably time for me to "move on". Totally inappropriate stuff for a piano lesson, or most other times.

I try to do business with parishioners when I can, in order to support the people who support me. But, I need to maintain clear boundaries, too. So, I just made a couple of phone calls and found another piano teacher, who is NOT a member of my church.

Now all I have to do is find a way to cancel my lessons with this woman without it becoming a whole bfd. If I'm paying for a piano lesson, I'd like a piano lesson!!

[JerseygirlCT]

11. That's so completely inappropriate!

Wow.

[Critters2]

12. I know, right? nt

[Kat45]

16. Of course it will be a bfd if she's part of the hater clan.

Those people never change and they just look for things to make a bfd of. My church finally completed its consolidation with that other church, and those difficult people on the music committee (from that church) are still taking every opportunity they can find--or create--to make trouble.

[Critters2]

17. What is wrong with people like that? They put so much energy

into being PITAs. If they'd work just as hard at positive activities, they could be real gifts. But no....:grr:

[Critters2]

18. Well, I've fired her. So I'll just have to see what comes of it.

I found another piano teacher, made an appointment for my first lesson, and sent the old one an e-mail thanking her for her service, but telling her that I've decided to take piano from a different teacher. I suppose there'll be repercussions, but I'll survive this, too.

[Kat45]

19. Good for you.

Piano lessons is an activity you should enjoy. You don't need that tense, negative stuff turning it into something you'll dread.

[Celeborn Skywalker]

20. You did the right thing, imo.

There may be repercussions but there's no reason you should have your piano lessons ruined by someone who doesn't know how to be appropriate.

[Critters2]

21. Had a conversation with my organist/former piano teacher today.

Said I hoped all's well with her, and that she understands why I've gone to a new teacher. That was a mistake! She said "I suppose you think you're staying within (air quotes here) 'boundaries'."
Me: Yeah, well, really I do. That's what I'm trying to do.
Her: Boundaries like that damage relationships, you know.

The conversation went on for a bit, until I saw that it was going to be fruitless, and that I was getting sucked back into exactly the situation that I've been trying to avoid. You know, where piano lessons become psychoanalysis sessions. So, I wished her well, and headed back to the office to write a newsletter article.

It's my nature to assume that I'm the problem in situations like this, but I think I can honestly say that this woman is six to twelve times less healthy than me.

This also teaches me that all that stuff they teach us in boundaries training, that I spend most of those workshops chuckling at, has something to it after all.

[JerseygirlCT]

22. Sorry for all that frustration

But she does sound pretty toxic.

[Critters2]

23. Thanks, Jersey.

I think I've learned my lesson. I just need to give her a wide berth.