My father is dying, I am at a loss...

[Debbi801]

This is going to be convoluted, please bear with me...

My descendants on both my maternal and paternal sides were Chasidim. My paternal great, great, great grandfather was a Rabbi in Poland. My family came to this country when my grandfather was one. My father was raised Orthodox. He was married in an Orthodox shul. Up until 2nd grade, I went to an Orthodox girls day school. At that point, my great grandparents passed away. I was put in public school. I don't ever remember going to shul again as a child. I guess religion was something my parents did because it was expected of them by their grandparents (my great grandparents. We still did the High Holy day thing, Seders, etc. My parents divorced and we lived with my father (my mother is totally out of the picture, she was not a nice person). At some point, my father met my step-mom (I actually call her mom). She is a wonderful, loving woman--everything a mother and wife *should* be. She and my dad went on to have 3 more kids. She identified as a Unitarian (although she was jewish by birth) and went to a UU church regularly. My dad sometimes went with her, and they were married in a UU church. But he was not a regular church goer and their 3 kids (my half siblings) were really raised without any religion.

As an adult, I found my way into my religious comfort zone. I belong to a reform congregation, and try to go regularly. My kids are in religious school, my oldest became a Bar Mitzvah a year ago today and is working toward confirmation, my daughter will become a Bat Mitzvah next year. My husband is not Jewish, but attends services with me, celebrates the holidays with me at home, etc. We are a Jewish family raising Jewish children. For my son's Bar Mitzvah, my father passed on his T'fillin, Tallit, and Kippah that he wore for his Bar Mitzvah many years ago.

So, here we are today. My father was diagnosed 6 years ago with IPF (a type of lung disease). He was doing ok for a long time, you'd never know he was sick. Right around Matt's Bar Mitzvah last year he started taking a turn for the worse. Soon after, he needed to go on oxygen at night. By May, he was on oxygen full time. He was told that most likely he would not survive to see the fall. He has held on, past summer, past fall, past Thanksgiving, Chanukah, New Years, etc. He is getting near the end. He knows it, everyone who talks to him knows it. He can't really get out of bed these days, talking is too strenuous, etc. The doctor says it could be days, weeks, maybe a month or so. I'm trying to be strong for my kids' sakes and for my younger siblings, but it gets so hard.

Anyway, on to my dilemma. He has made his funeral arrangements very clear. He has arranged to donate his body to a medical school here so that he can maybe help work on finding a cause or cure to the disease he has. When they are finished with it, he wants to be cremated. He does not want a Jewish funeral. He does not want anyone sitting shiva. He has no interest in talking to a Rabbi, etc. He's agreed to having a memorial service at the UU church they were married in. Do I just not sit shiva? How / what do I do to mourn? Can I still say Kaddish? I am at a total loss. I know I could talk to my Rabbi, but I am not ready to do that yet. That makes things too definite (if you know what I mean).

Thanks for following this if you've managed to read this far.

[Meshuga]

1. I would talk to your Rabbi - He can be extremely helpful!

You will be surprised on how your congregation rabbi can do to help you. I'm sure the rabbi would not pressure you into doing anything that would make you uncomfortable and he could probably give better advice than any of us here in cyberspace. You will be surprised! I have a lot of trust in the Reform Rabbis in situations like yours as far as being able to help.

It is a tough situation since you want to respect the wishes of your dad but it seems like his wishes are difficult for you since you would like to mourn for your father in your own way. It is tough situation.

I'm so sorry for your situation and for what is happening with your dad as far as his health.

As far as your kids and husband, Mazal Tov! You sound like you have a wonderful family.

If you wish I can share your message with my rabbi and ask for his advice. But I bet your Rabbi at your congregation would make things easier on you and you would not regret going for his/her advice.

B'shalom

[Ian David]

2. Several thoughts

1) Jewish tradition says that ANY law can be broken in order to save a life. If he wants to donate his body to medical science, then that takes precedence over an squeamishness about cutting him up. There is no greater Mitzvah than saving a human life.

2) My personal opinion is that after you die, your body is nothing but a piece of meat. I don't care what happens to my body. But I do realize that my surviving family might care. Otherwise, I'd donate myself to The Body Farm, where they would use it to see how corpses decay when serial killers try and hide them. But I realize my family might like to know that I am "there" under my grave marker when they visit once a year. But a cemetery is a wasteful extravagance that serves no real useful purpose. But again, supposing that someone might actually MISS me after I die, I don't know if I want to use my death (and disposal) as a political statement.

In short:

A) Do not for a moment begrudge him the opportunity to allow his death to save other lives.

B) His body is his property, just as any other object he may leave behind in his will. It is his to dispose of as he sees fit, whether that makes you uncomfortable or not. And if there is a god, I doubt he REALLY cares about what happens to the slabs of meet we leave behind.

C) Sitting shiva is for YOU-- not for him. You deal with your FEELINGS as YOU see fit, and let him deal with his left-behind meat as HE sees fit. If you think it will make him feel better, you can lie to him and tell him you won't sit shiva. Believe me, he will NEVER know.

[Phx_Dem]

3. Losing a parent is hard

I know it was for me when my father passed away. To add to what IanDB1 said, it is permissible to lie if it is done to avoid hurting someones feelings, see Genesis 18:13. When the time comes, if you feel like sitting shiva or saying the mourners kaddish then by all means do so.

[leftynyc]

4. So very sorry you're going through this

Your father wants to use his body in order to save other lives. That's very Jewish.

Sitting shiva is for the living....if you feel it's something you must do to cope or to reconcile your faith, I think you should. I think speaking with your rabbi should help although I understand that the prospect makes things harder to deal with.

May G-d comfort you at this very difficult time.