I'm at the end of my rope. Again.

[Ladyhawk]

Right now my life is so fucking miserable. I'm on disability and have to kiss up to right-wing/fundy family so I don't end up on the streets. Part of me wants to just sever ties so I can be "free"--but at what price? I did it for six months and nearly didn't make it. Then there's the other part of me that loves my family and doesn't want to sever ties at all.

What it boils down to is I don't want to live this way, constantly biting my tongue and pretending to be someone I'm not. I don't want to live in constant danger of ending up homeless, either. Those seem to be my only two choices given my chronic health issues. Recently, it's become absolutely intolerable. I had dreams and as I grow older and sicker I see them slipping away. And I don't think there's a damn thing I can do about it.

[nashville_brook]

1. first thing -- lets hear those dreams!

second thing, i'm totally there with ya. after months of awfulness, i just had 3 straight days of relative ease with the pain and then, wham! today i'm flat on my back again. i was having delusions of returning to a healthy life (wow, the CoQ10 must be working miracles!)

all i can do with any regularity is read and write -- and so that's where i'm keeping my dreams.

to the family -- i completely understand this. what little family i have left (an aunt and unlce) are liberal dems, and i'd still rather gouge my eyes out and bury them in the backyard than live with them. i love them, but they make me crazy. that's what family does.

lately i've "dreamt" about my "chronic" utopia. as in, wouldn't it be nice if there were a place -- a neighborhood or a farm or an apartment building -- where chronic folks could live communally. first off, it would be nice just to be around other people who understand. secondly, we need a cheap living situation where there's a reduction in physical chores and support for our conditions.

since my marriage broke up i've been sleeping on couches and living bascially on the goodwill of friends. i tried to keep an apartment for a while, but the only place i could "afford" that would accept my dogs, was dangerous, dirty and had no heat or ac. we had a couple of cold snaps and i thought i was going to die. i couldn't move (my illness involves lots of joint and bone pain). i had no furniture. no bed. was sleeping on a $25 thrift store couch and the people below me were dealing drugs. after rent and electricity i had about a $100 for the month and my meds cost about a $100 bucks a month. the drug dealers were bringing ME food from the mission. there were prostitutes and homeless people skulking around the property all hours of day and night. i was scared to death every time i walked the dogs. the police came more often than the postman. i tried to keep my chin up, but most days were just hell. most nights were worse. so yeah -- living on your own is nearly impossible. there has to be a better way.

[Ladyhawk]

2. There has to be a better way.

Unfortunately, I can't see how to achieve it. When I think of my life the way it is now, I despair (and think of how it could get even worse). I don't have much hope right now. The best I can manage is to try not to think about it too much.

And god, am I ever bitchy. I have reasons for the way I feel, but an "angry" person isn't exactly endearing. Sigh.