Port Authority

[WindRavenX]

Port Authority

In the fissures of the city
where the cold water seeps down into the earth
dragging the forgotten debris of the streets
down
down
down
into
a sunken cathedral, deep in the city’s gut.
Odd and beautiful creatures live here.
Some roost in dark corners
others sigh loudly or
weep disturbingly silently.
They beg and plead with the foreigners from above
A nickel, a handful of flung pennies
(useless)
Others eat quietly from small plastic bags and tins of
grey mush not fit for humanity.
They fight and snarl at each other
stab and rip
Vicious and decaying angels.
But
they love other neglected and abused souls with gentle
heartbreak.
Come, they say
Sit in these quiet halls, they won’t bother you.
Sometimes, here, the light filters down on us.
And here is where a heater is, so you won’t freeze.
Lastly, they say, before they turn away
Try to remember your name.
Because here is where even God has
forgotten us.

[Kire]

1. hey, that's pretty good

"disturbingly silently" is kind of a weird combination, but overall I liked it a lot

[WindRavenX]

2. yeah, I still don't know how to word it

So...um, what to do...

[Kire]

3. I say just take out the "disturbingly"

"weep silently" is more concise and effective

[Kire]

4. let people come to their own conclusion about the disturbingness of it

telling them something is disturbing is not as good as showing them by letting them come to their own conclusion as to the value of it

i don't think they're going to think it's delightful or anything

[WindRavenX]

5. I agree in most cases

That it is indeed always better to show than to tell the reader, but in this case...I don't know. I think the word "disturbing" has a place in this piece, but maybe not there.
I'll have to think about this and play around with the words for a while.