The way boys are raised.

[zanne]

I don't want to start a flamewar and, let me get this straight right now; I think little boys are just as wonderful as little girls. But we do raise them differently, don't we? I don't see how we can expect boys to grow up and enter successful relationships unless we teach them about equality when they're kids. We still expect little girls to "help mom" around the house, teaching her cleaning and cooking skills. The boys are expected to occasionally help dad outside, but mostly they are expected to drag in dirt, leave clothes on the floor and just "be boys". I don't know why we expect maturity to transform them into real helpers and equal partners in adult relationships when they're trained to be little princes at home. Now, I know that not ALL boys are raised this way, but let's face it, most of them are. Suggestions, anyone?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

1. Yes, that's a biggie

and it's even worse in Third World countries, where a woman's worth is determined by how many sons she has. Because sons are valued and daughters are not, the women internalize this and pamper their sons while making their daughters help with all the housework.

In the U.S., what I've noticed even more than the privileged position of boys within families (since I don't see the internal workings of most families) is the behavioral straitjacket that American boys are placed in.

They HAVE TO be interested in sports and rough stuff and gadgets, and they HAVE TO be aggressive, and heaven help them if they're not, because then they risk not only being berated by the other males in their familes for being "sissies" and "wusses," but ostracized and beaten up by those outside the family.

A boy who likes to read or is into classical music or dance or cook is going to be a target for the bullies. Sometimes, they can "redeem themselves" by joining a sports team, but if they don't, school will be hell. Sometimes even the male teachers at school join in the harassment.

Some of the non-conforming boys are gay, but not all of them are.

I even know a European couple who sent their sons to school in the Old Country at age ten because they didn't want them surrounded by all that mindless macho.

We've done a great job of making it 100% socially acceptable for girls to play sports and take shop courses, both of which were taboo when I was going through high school. The next half of the revolution is to make it 100% socially acceptable for boys to play the cello and take home ec courses.

[shockra]

2. My first boyfriend played the cello.

I played the violin. We were in orchestra together. :-)

The ones who were considered the "cool" kids were the ones who were in band, though.

[Zenlitened]

3. Dr. William Pollack eloquently discusses the 'gender straightjacket'...

in his book Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood

Based on William Pollack's groundbreaking research at Harvard Medical School and elsewhere over two decades, Real Boys explores this generation's "silent crisis"; why so many boys are sad, lonely, and confused although they may appear tough, cheerful, and confident. Pollack challenges conventional expectations about manhood and masculinity that encourage parents to treat boys as little men, raising them through a toughening process that drives their true emotions underground. Only when we understand what boys are really like, says Pollack, can parents and teachers help them develop more self-confidence and the emotional savvy they need to deal with issues such as depression and violence, drugs and alcohol, sexuality and love.

http://www.williampollack.com/real_boys_intro.html

[Samurai_Writer]

6. The Gender Straightjacket

I haven't read this book, but I can say from the experience of raising my son, society DOES put a lot of pressure on boys to be 'little men' (aggressive, macho, etc).

My son went out for football in 6th grade. Although he is big and strong, he didn't like the restrictiveness of it, as he was raised to be an individual who thinks for himself. He was in band all through junior high, playing saxophone, and then picked up guitar in high school. He did and does skateboard semi-professionally, but it's not a hugely competitive sport. He does it because he loves to skate, not to 'win'.

Another thing I did notice while he was in school is that there is more attention paid to the boys. That can be good and bad, as they are disciplined more than girls as well. My son couldn't get away with anything (not that he should have), but girls doing the same things were never sent to the office, whether it be dress code violation, speaking out in class, etc.

Another situation that happened on his very first day of junior high (6th grade). He was approached by a gang with an offer to join it, because he was big for his age and very strong (and also looked hispanic!). He turned them down, of course. But the arguments these kids used to get him to join were based all on macho stereotypes. Just because he looked 'macho' they figured he would be an aggressive type, I suppose.

Here he is with me, about 1 1/2 years ago. We haven't changed much since then. He's 6'2" and I'm 5'10". Just to give perspective on the photo.

[alarcojon]

7. I'd like to check that book out

as a male who wants to help raise feminist males.

[Samurai_Writer]

4. I was a single mom who raised a boy

I tried very hard not to raise him as most boys. He had to do household chores, like dishes and laundry, and learned to cook at a young age. I tried to instill ideals of equality in all kinds of ways. However, I also had to deal with him spending summers with his dad, who is a typical misogynist. So my son, while he's not quite as bad as most young guys (he's 24), he still has some way to go before accepting women as complete equals.

[BlueIris]

5. Good job, Rad.

I was hoping a female feminist parent of a male child would chime in with her story. Does anyone else want to share?

[Hello_Kitty]

8. I'm not a mom myself but I can imagine how hard it would be

To raise a boy, trying to instill feminist values in him while still being aware that he has to operate and survive in the sexist world out there. It sounds like you did a great job and he's a wonderful young man. He may have picked up a few bad ideas from the culture and his peers but the groundwork you laid is solid. :yourock:

[TheProphetess]

9. I teach about gender issues

at a small college. I'm a psychology professor and I always incorporate gender issues into my various classes. It's amazing to me how profoundly different people tend to raise boys and girls. I tell my students that it starts "in utero" as soon as people know the sex of their children, they buy gender-typed clothes, toys, bedding, wallpaper, you name it.

I have recommended Dr. Pollack's book and I often discuss his ideas in my classes (that boys are taught to be tough and only to feel emotions such as anger and frustration while girls are taught that they can feel emotions like fear and sadness but not anger). I always enjoy getting my students' reactions to his ideas.

My suggestion: try to be as gender-neutral as possible, although it's very difficult to do because of our social constraints already in place. Buy gender-neutral toys, clothes, etc. and assign various types of chores to boys and girls (rather than the sterotypical ones). But my biggest suggestion is to be a good model of gender-neutral or atypical behavior. Live what you teach.

By the way, Sandra Bem has some interesting writings about her and her husband's attempts at raising gender-neutral children (they're both psychologists).

[Eloriel]

10. My experience doing that

Trying to raise my son, now in his 30s (so this was some time ago), in a "gender neutral" way, that is.

I bought him soft stuffed toys and actual "dolls." He eschewed most anything doll-like and preferred other kinds of toys -- those he could "do" things with (Fischer Price type toys). The first time he was handed a small toy truck or car, he knew exactly what to do with it (basically: "vroom, vroom") -- and this was before he'd seen others playing with toy cars, and probably not anything on TV either. He was quite young.

I'm not trying to be negative about this advice or say this approach doesn't work, I'm simply relating my experience, which frankly STUNNED me at the time. I don't know if it works for others; it didn't work for me. (He also had his own mind about other things: I tried to get him to watch and be interested in Mr. Rogers and Captain Kangaroo; he preferred Wild Kingdom and similar TV programs.) Similarly, later on his absent father (we divorced when my son was 4-1/2) tried to pressure him into being interested in football and basketball, which was quite damaging to their relationship and my son's sense of acceptance and approval by his father which brings up another aspect of pushing them too hard or too far in any direction they aren't interested in, I think.

I think equally important is being a strong, feminist woman, trying to live without the kinds of societal limitations that have been imposed on women and which most of us have grown up with, and having a healthy egalitarian relationship with your mate -- all for good modeling for sons.

[bobbieinok]

13. my son and some of his friends had GI Joe dolls and treated them

as if they were baby dolls much more than as fighting soldier dolls

I was very surprised

[WildClarySage]

11. Everything you say is true, but

I think the real battle we face in raising sons who will live in a gender-equal world has to include eradicating sexual violence. I see plenty of men who cook, do housework, laundry, etc. but think nothing of making comments about women and their sexuality, bodies, etc. and think that sexual harassment/violence is an overblown issue, because women aren't really hurt by it or because after all men are victims too ya know (*sarcasm*)

[alarcojon]

12. Absolutely!

and I have to add that it cuts across ethnic, class, and religious lines.