My neighbor committed suicide yesterday.

[SmileyRose]

She took 4 bottles of extra strength Tylenol yesterday morning, it was her day off work but hubby worked. He came in around 7pm and found her awake on the couch in god awful pain. She died over night last night.

She and I have been friends a long time. Real friends. I mean the real deal, not friendly, but tell each other your deepest darkest secrets that no one else knows kind of friends. And I had no idea. Absolutely none.

She loved who she worked with. But she would have left that job in a heartbeat if she had the chance to move back to her family in Wisconsin. They moved to Atlanta in the 90's for her husband's job and she's tried hard to be happy here, but she just could never adjust to being 1000 miles from both their families. Friendships are great, but her huge loving family, and being the only one not there for the school plays and the holidays etc.

Her husband is a nice enough man most of the time but he, in my opinion, was neglectful and oblivious. They never had kids because he couldn't handle sex. I once heard him yelling at her and he said it's not his fault she's too ugly to touch. I was mortified for her. She said he had never said anything that mean before, had never been violent, he was content to just basically be too busy to be bothered with her unless he needed something. She was like the toaster - just expected to be functional when he needed toast.

She told me a few months ago that the fact I actually put myself on hold and paid attention to HER, and the fact her co-workers treated her like something valuable was the only lifeline she had. The whole rest of her life was just getting through. I asked her one time what she would do if she won the lottery and was not economically dependent. She started crying and told me it has been decades since she even dared to let herself even think about what she liked, or what she wanted for herself, it was too painful for her to even dream it up knowing it would never happen. I'm not even sure she let herself dare feel how much I really loved her.

I honestly don't think medication and counseling would have helped her. She needed a divorce and a move back to her family to start over, and just couldn't make herself do it. She was too tired to have to justify it to her family who thinks that husband was the best thing evar (she was the one who built him up in their eyes).

If you have read this far I hope you will think about the people around you. You just never know what someone else is dealing with. I just hope in real life, and in the anonymous world of the internet we can be decent and supportive where we can. Do what we can when we can, and just try out best not to hurt anyone.

Basic human respect and love - it's why I am a liberal.

[NanceGreggs]

1. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend ...

... :hug:

[AlecBGreen]

57. much love to you and her family

:hug:

[Saturday]

2. Sorry for your pain too in dealing with this. May she RIP. nt

[The Straight Story]

3. A well written and thoughtful post my friend

I am sorry for her, and for you.

I don't know what else to say, and if you know me here you know I am usually long winded.

Your last two paragraphs should be required reading in school.

[Sultana]

4. OMG, so sorry

:hug:

[PufPuf23]

5. That is so sad.

You nailed Truth with this: "Basic human respect and love - it's why I am a liberal"

[BlueIris]

6. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Especially because though it sounds like her life was extremely difficult, she was a good, caring person the world is worse off without.

[bigwillq]

7. How sad.

What a heart-breaking story. That poor woman.

I am so sorry.

:hug:

[dkf]

8. How awful :(

I'm so sorry.

[nickyt]

9. Oh my darling Smiley, this is too shocking, too brutal; it doesn't get

much worse than this. I will light my "mourning" candle tonight and play my "mourning" songs on my stereo in honor of your departed friend and your agonizing loss. I am so awfully sorry, and send all best wishes your way as you slowly absorb this wrenching heartache.

[lunatica]

10. Your post made me cry

How sad she was...

My husband was like hers. It's truly a very sad existence when you know there are married people who actually like each other and do things together. I stayed married 15 years but finally I realized my soul was dying because that's exactly how it felt. What saved me from suicide was that I had a son and I just couldn't abandon him or hurt him that way.

[Demeter]

69. Me, Too

My ex is a psychopath, plain and simple. Pyschos think other people are comsumer goods, to be discarded when broken or rendered obsolete. It takes a lot of strength to throw in the towel on such a marriage. I've been single since 1993, partly because of terror of catching another psychopath, and partly because women don't get their share of second chances, especially with children in tow.

[inna]

95. me, too.

except that i've been trying to get out of this dead-end relationship for many years, and continue to be stuck in it.
i'm terrified of being alone and am well aware of the fact that, like you said, "women don't get their share of second chances" (kids or no kids). although i'm also perfectly aware of the fact that i would be better off alone than being with him.

" It takes a lot of strength to throw in the towel on such a marriage."

tell me about it. :( :(

i admire your strength. :hug:

[Demeter]

113. I Just Decided I Was More Alone in a Loveless Marriage

and I was very angry all the time. The anger propelled me. Plus, I knew that he would hurt the kids, was hurting them already, mentally and emotionally.

[connecticut yankee]

132. Inna, don't give up.

I left a miserable marriage after ten years, and had two little boys, nine and five.

It took me 29 years to find someone else, but we've been happily married for 12 years now.

I never regretting leaving husband #1, even though it meant struggling financially. At least I had my freedom.

Don't give up.

[inna]

96. that's exactly how i feel right now.

<<finally I realized my soul was dying because that's exactly how it felt>>

[mr1956]

109. Inna, sending you a hug

I hope you find the strength to walk away from your bad relationship. Being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely.

[dana_b]

116. oh inna - I know

I too was in a soul destroying relationship for years. Leaving is so scary to do, believe me I know. but the worst part is the actual break up. If you have some love and support (friends, family ,a good neighbor), you can and will get through it.

The freedom and lightness comes back. I don't mean light as in the sunlight, I mean the weight. The dread, the excuses, the "I'll do anything not to be around him right now" feeling goes away.

I don't care if I'm "used goods" and am never in a relationship again. At least I can live my life as i want to.

Good luck to you.

[SmileyRose]

100. hugs

I'm kinda "shell shocked" still so this might come out all mixed up, but something you said, that your son needing you kept you putting one foot in front of the other. I'm almost afraid to ask you if you've moved far enough out into the sun yet for the life to bloom back into your soul. If it's too soon yet, I hope with all my heart it does very soon.

An awful lot of women I know are living in a secret hell - some men too - but I know a lot more women. A group of us at work were talking about the uptick of domestic violence calls and divorces when the economy goes down - one case in the news in particular - and a lady at work said "I wish I was that lucky". We all knew she meant if the husband actually got violent it would be enough so that she didn't have to explain to anyone why she left him.

Anyways, I thank you for your post. In the middle of this awful day, it helps to know someone found a reason to keep walking toward some sunlight.

[omega minimo]

11. A beautiful tribute to your friend.

:pals:

[Kajsa]

12. I'm so sorry, SmileyRose.

You were a good friend to her, which is
what she needed.

I'm so sorry, words are inadequate in expressing
my sadness over her death.

My condolences to you, her family and friends.

:hug:

[mvd]

13. Very sorry, SmileyRose

Just a sad story all around.

[pnwmom]

14. In this woman's sad life, you were a true friend, SmileyRose.

I hope that is a comfort to you now.

:hug:

[BlooInBloo]

15. :(((((( RIP.

[NEOhiodemocrat]

16. Just to sad

Take some comfort that you gave her your friendship when she needed it.

[mrs_p]

17. i pray she has found peace

and that you will too...

[Bicoastal]

18. Very, very sad...BUT I honestly think that counseling could have possibly helped.

Sometimes the advice and care of family and friends just isn't enough--it can be beneficial to seek help from a healthcare professional with no bias or judgement. They are trained to listen; they can tell you not just want you want to hear, but what you NEED to hear. Of course, no one can really say for sure if this tragedy could or couldn't have been prevented, but it's a start.

At any rate, I'm sure you personally did all you could for her. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Raksha]

43. Counseling would only have helped if it had given her the strength

to leave a sterile and loveless marriage before it killed her...literally. Talking her into accepting an allegedly "good-enough" marriage would NOT have helped! After all, that's what she WAS doing.

[hfojvt]

126. why should a sterile and loveless marriage be deadly?

How is a sterile and loveless single life any better?

[SmileyRose]

138. I honestly have never seen it work that way.

I can only speak for my friends situation, but every single solitary day, someone in her own home was giving her the spoken and unspoken message that she is ugly, unlovable, unworthy of time or consideration, etc. In subtle and not so subtle ways, every single day he was tearing her down. It seems that it was very subtle at first and got worse over the years until she was too beat down to even think about the fact she deserved better.

My friend was never the type that she would cheat on a husband. Emotionally or physically. But a divorce, and singleness would be a fresh start. I know a number of people who were married a long time and then divorced. I can't tell you how incredible the difference is in all but a few cases. Most of them have never remarried but they have filled their lives with a variety of friendships of both the platonic and sexual variety. A few of them have married repeatedly in that try try again vein. But knowing one can get out and move on seems to make an enormous difference in the happiness factor.

I have a cousin, my ageish, she's been single her whole life. Up until about 30 yrs old it was sheer torture for her. Finding an emotionally healthy and mature man who could love her in spite of, or maybe even because of her awkward physical attributes was consuming every waking moment. One day in her early 30's she told her sister "fuck it" - and just stopped looking. I can't even begin to tell you how my cousin has blossomed over the last 20 years. That woman has more friends of both sexes that you can shake a stick at. She still, at 50 something, doesn't have "the one", but she does have "the many" and her life is far from sterile and loveless (and it surely was when her only goal in life was to find a husband) -- she recently underwent a knee replacement and could not live by herself for almost a month after the surgery. She had at least 6 friends, male and female, clamoring for the privilege of moving in for a time to be her caretaker - not to mention the people in our big family.

yes, these are anecdotal and whatnot, but like everyone else, I view the world through my experiences with people I know and know about. I think singleness CAN be a very full and loving situation - but like marriages, every single life is unique. :)

[Subdivisions]

19. My deepest sympathies to you and her family. May she rest well. n/t

[Spazito]

20. How very, very sad....

You are so right. One never knows what someone else is dealing with beyond what is shared with you, even among the closest of friends. I am glad she did have you and supportive workmates.

:hug:

[glitch]

21. I am so sorry for your loss.

Beautiful post. We never really do know the full story behind people's lives and what they are having to deal with, thank you for reminding us to be more gentle with each other.
Tylenol overdose is a horribly painful way to die.

edit: her husband was much more than simply neglectful, the comment he made to her was public emotional abuse and more than likely indicative of private abuse.

[malaise]

22. Too sad

:cry: :cry:

[Beaverhausen]

23. I'm sorry you lost your friend

I have a friend who is also extremely depressed and though I try to help her, I'm not sure she won't do this someday too. She says the only thing that keeps her from suicide is her cats.

I'm going to call her right now.

:hug:

[Kaleko]

24. My heart goes out to you, SmileyRose.

If you are tempted to blame yourself for not doing more, please talk to us here. Promise? We have some grief counselors on board who may find the right words to put things in perspective.

[Ocracoker16]

25. very sad indeed

I am glad that you were such a good friend to her. She sounds like she was very unhappy with her life and marriage, but that your friendship was something that made life a little less painful. I am sorry for your loss.

I commend you for reminding me and all at DU to be mindful of others who may be having a rough time and to be respectful to all.

[Name removed]

26. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[democrank]

27. I`m sorry for the loss of your friend.

May she rest in peace.

[susanna]

28. Oh, I am so sorry, SmileyRose.

How tragic.

I take your message to heart; we never do know what people are coping with.

Take care and I'll be thinking of you as you go through this dark time. Peace.

[The_Commonist]

29. That is so sad...

May your friend rest in peace.

[merh]

30. Thank you for being a friend to her, for loving her.

I'm sorry for your loss and I pray for you and all who she loved, that it is the love and laughter you will remember over time.

:hug:

[QueenOfCalifornia]

31. Tragic.

Suicide is like a giant ripple that washes over places one would never expect. It effects so many and the pain is difficult to come to grips with because we are left wondering "Why didn't I see this coming?" The truth is, for a lot of us who have been through losing a loved one to suicide, we just never saw it and had no clue. It leaves us with a void and guilt and gut wrenching pain.

I am very sorry for this tragic loss. This poor woman was in a dark place. Medication and counseling would have helped most likely by making her see that her marriage was at the root of her depression. Being a "toaster" is no way to live.

I have only sadness to express and I feel my past creeping in on me, bringing back my own losses from those who left me here to wonder why I didn't see their pain so I could have made it better.

Peace.

[wellstone dem]

32. you are a loving person, thank you for being there for this woman.

Would that more of us would reach out to others, never knowing how much some people need our attention.

[roguevalley]

33. she's free now and happy, surrounded by love and friends. I am so

very, very sorry to hear this. She had worth. She just couldn't see it. Rest her soul in the bosom of Abraham.

[hlthe2b]

34. That is a very profound and revealing story of your friend

and her plight... I'm glad she had you for the darkest period of her life. Don't think you didn't make a difference. I'm sure you did. May you and your friend be at peace.

[renate]

114. exactly...

As deep and dark as her pain was, a true friend surely lightened the load and helped her make it as long as she did. Not being able to solve the problem or take it away doesn't mean that a friend isn't a huge help.

SmileyRose, you and your neighbor are in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

[ikojo]

35. Amen! My condolences on the loss of your

friend. Her pain became too great.

:hug: :cry:

[MH1]

36. I am so sorry for your loss

What you say is so true: "You just never know what someone else is dealing with".

Something we should all keep in mind every day, with everyone we meet.

[Peacetrain]

37. So so sorry

:hug:friends can be as close as family..closer sometimes...

[lumberjack_jeff]

38. Thank you for sharing this SmileyRose. Please accept my condolences. n/t

[Raksha]

39. What a heartbreaking story - I am so sorry for your loss. n/t

[Triana]

40. I'm so sorry for your loss...

...it seems like your friend was isolated from her support system/family (except you - bless you) and she was emotionally abused. That he was never violent is irrelevant. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive - that's as bad if not worse than physical violence - because that type of damage takes much longer to heal - if it ever does.

I'm so sorry for your loss - and for her - for all she went through that seemingly drove her to that. You were no doubt a great friend to her.

[gardenista]

41. Thank you for an important reminder. And I'm so sorry for your loss.

She did have a real friend in you. I know this must be so painful for you, and I'm so sorry.

You reminded me that I need to check in on a friend who is down. Thank you.

[Raine]

42. I'm so sorry

she sounds like a special person, I'm glad that you got to know her and she knew you. :hug:

[TBF]

44. You were a good friend to her, smileyrose, and I'm sorry for your loss. n/t

[Bluerthanblue]

45. please

be especially gentle with yourself right now.
The world needs more people who care about others and who take time to simply listen.
My heart aches for you, and for the tragic ending to a sad life. I'm glad she had you-

:hug:

thank you for being you, and for sharing this with all of us.

blu

[Mnemosyne]

46. Oh SmileyRose, I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

:hug:

[meowomon]

47. I am sorry for your friend

At least she had love from you. She sounds like she gave up trying to overcome the pain. I felt the same way before, but was able to see the light at the end. That kept me going until I finally decided it was up to me to get help. She wasn't able to do this and she ended her pain. I am so sorry.

[Are_grits_groceries]

48. I am so sorry.

You have lost a piece of yourself. Fill it with the good memories of her.
Take care of yourself. :hug:

[Stargazer09]

49. I'm sorry for your loss

And I'm sorry for your friend. She must have been horribly homesick and sad to do such a thing. I hope that she's found peace.

:hug:

[Fire1]

50. You just never know. I'm truly sorry .

[Berry Cool]

51. I am so sorry about your friend, and sorry about your loss.

I wish somehow she could have awakened to the idea that it is never too late, so long as you are alive, to try to remake your life...as hard as it may be.

[MellowOne]

52. My heartfelt grief for your loss.

Thank you for your thoughtful post.

[emilyg]

53. So sad.

[Mike 03]

54. What a powerful post. I'm speechless and so sorry for your loss and your friend.

Such a sad, poignant story.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

55. No one ever knows another's pain ............

Your friend did what she had to do to make it stop hurting. Take some comfort in the fact that she is no longer in pain.

Be gentle with yourself. There wasn't anything anyone could have done. She did what she had to do, she did what she wanted to do. She had options, but pride, or whatever it was, prevented her from exercising them. If her family back in Wisconsin was so wonderful and loving, it's telling that she felt unable to be herself, to be honest with them about her situation.

Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.

She found her exit, and she took it.

We never know another's pain ......................

[Grinchie]

56. Not Many people know how Toxic Acetominphen really is

From Wiki:

Paracetamol hepatotoxicity is, by far, the most common cause of acute liver failure in both the United States and the United Kingdom.<5><52> Paracetamol overdose results in more calls to poison control centers in the US than overdose of any other pharmacological substance.<53> Signs and symptoms of paracetamol toxicity may initially be absent or vague. Untreated, overdose can lead to liver failure and death within days. Treatment is aimed at removing the paracetamol from the body and replacing glutathione. Activated charcoal can be used to decrease absorption of paracetamol if the patient presents for treatment soon after the overdose. While the antidote, acetylcysteine, acts as a precursor for glutathione helping the body regenerate enough to prevent damage to the liver, a liver transplant is often required if damage to the liver becomes severe.

The real hazard of Acetominophen (Paracetamol in Europe), is that it is used in Tandem with many other drugs, the most commonly know being Vicodine or Oxycodone. People with severe chronic pain can be taking large amounts of Acetominophen without realizing it, and it can easily reach the threshold of 2000 mg's if the patient takes another medication for pain.

Is it any wonder why millions of Americans look ill, even while they are being treated by doctors?

If you must take vicodine, demand that your doctor prescribe a formulation with the lowest possible amount of Acetominophen. Remember, the Vicodin is an opiate, and is that main pain killer. If you want Tylenol, you can buy it at the drugstore.

It has been speculated that the mixture of Acetominophen into Vicodin is not due to efficacy, but a hidden desire to prevent addiction, and I guess that would serve it's purpose, through poisoning the individual that abuses Vicodin by destroying their Liver.

Sorry about the medical lecture attached to this tragedy, but it is better to spread knowledge and prevent more suffering of the world.

[Mad_Dem_X]

58. I am so very sorry.

We can never really know what another person is dealing with; all we can do is try to be there for them. I lost a cousin to suicide; he was the last person on Earth I ever thought would do such a thing. But he had problems that I had no idea about. For some people, unfortunately, it's the only way out of their situation.

Again, I am very sorry for the loss of your friend.

[Mollis]

59. "Basic human respect and love"

You are so right. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to get through it ok. :hug:

[Grinchie]

60. This reminds me of the writings of Wilhelm Reich

Reich was an amazing individual who was a follower of Sigmund Freud in the 20 and 30's. His practice led him believe that modern society on a whole was detrimental to the human organism by causing conflict of the basic desires that drive us.

He outlined many of his findings in the book, "The Function of the Orgasm" which, despite its title, is a very technical tome describing the foundations for base neurosis in society.

As I read through the book, it is kind of frightening to see how many paralells there are in American society, and even more frightening to come to the conclusion that we are basically being raised as a bunch of robots, conforming compulsivey with a mechanized society, herded along by Law, Moral, Education and religion, along with and authoritarian family structure that forces conformity on the dynamic human personality.

It's a very interesting read, and much of what he writes is backed up in Alie Miller's wonderful book "For Your Own Good", which utterly changed my life to complete freedom from the unrecognized traumas inflicted in my early family life. My traumas were not anything out of the ordinary dogma of the day, but they were traumas nonetheless, and being able to view them for what they were, was truly a growth experience.

Many people are victims of manipulation, abuse and authoritarianism, and it's all condoned in society as a normal upbringing, but it's a self-perpetuating fraud. It's a mass neurosis that is reinforced by the Society that benefits in some way from it. It is just another method of control, and the Human organism releases the inner conflict by developing all sorts of neuroses in order to release that conflict.

[beac]

61. I'm so sorry for your loss.

:hug:

[pacalo]

62. How heartbreaking!

Like you, my most basic fiber of being is to treat everyone with the compassion & regard with which I'd like to be treated by others. Basic human respect and love -- that's why I'm a liberal.

You've beautifully written a stark reminder of why that's so important.

:hug:

[tomm2thumbs]

63. that is a lot to take on your shoulders - hope you have people close to talk to as well

Sorry for your loss of a neighbor and friend. I can't imagine, but hope you know folks here send you all their best energies in this time - words cannot express...

[Torn_Scorned_Ignored]

64. I am so very sorry.

Hope is sometimes the last thing we lose.

[calimary]

65. Dear God, there's just a world of hurt out there.

And the point is well-taken here that we never can quite imagine what the other guy or gal next door or next in line at the checkout counter or in the car or the restaurant booth next to yours.

So many of us are walking wounded. I'm so sorry to hear about this. Lots of broken hearts and broken dreams walking around. The lucky ones, I guess.

:(

[Myrina]

135. Indeed.

:hug:

[Tab]

66. Sorry for your loss, and for her

It sounds like a sad life, unfulfilled. Some things can be much different, but not everyone is able to summon the power to change them.

[HughMoran]

67. Uggh, that's just awful

I'm sorry that you had to deal with this - I can feel the pain reading your post. I've been more sensitive to negative thoughts lately due to being unemployed. I'm sure a lot of people are suffering emotional stress these days more than normal times. Thanks for sharing this with us - sometimes we can forget what's important in our lives.

[spanone]

68. ....

:cry:

[NikolaC]

70. I Am So Sorry For Your Loss

:hug:

[nonconformist]

71. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Just-plain-Kathy]

72. Thank you for adding that your friend's passing was painful.

Taking a bottle pills may seem like an easy way out, your saying it was painful may have kept some people alive.

It may seem crazy but I often think about an easy way out. I'm seeing what my elderly mother is going through and I think, not me, I will never want anyone changing my diapers. I want to be in control of my life.

~~~ Thanks for sharing and my deepest sympathy to you.

[knitter4democracy]

81. Liver failure like that is horrendously painful.

It's a terrible way to go.

[C Stellar]

73. You were a light in her life...

How wonderful you must be.

I rarely post here but your post touched me, and I'd like to say how sorry I am for your lost.

[defendandprotect]

74. Life has to have been pretty painful for her . . .

truly sad.

And I'm sure that will stay with you a long time.

Things should make more sense than this. Especially that she had such a large

and loving family. Friendship is the next best thing. Take care of yourself.

:hug:

[Left coast liberal]

75. Really, really, REALLY sad. NT

[SmileyRose]

76. YOU ALL HAVE BROUGHT ME TO TEARS !!

I posted this mostly for myself I guess. I have spent most of the day next door with the husband she left behind and his sister. He is absolutely inconsolable, guilt ridden over his obliviousness. How could he not know? He read her journal all morning, looking for clues. He's going to have to come to terms with the fact he was a good and awful husband at the same time.

I am just coming in the door and turned on my DU and here you all are. I have not even begun to read the responses. But the recommends are so touching.

A few months ago someone bought me a star. I cried on and off for 2 days. The people here at the DU, every one of you, I love you. I really mean that. Someday I'll screw up my courage and come meet you in person. I hope.

You, each and every one of you is what makes humanity a beautiful and wonderful thing. In the midst of pain and sorrow and trial and pain, our humanity wins out. No matter what the predators do, somehow humanity always wins.

I thank you.

[inna]

98. so very, very sorry for your loss.

i also lost a close friend to suicide; it still feels like an open wound, and probably always will. :cry:

:hug:

[hfojvt]

127. not each and every one of us

"There is good and bad, in everyone"

This is a good and awful site at the same time. Clearly, the husband did love her, in the best way he knew how. I think many here see him as baggage she should have discarded.

[area51]

77. I'm so sorry.

:cry: :hug:

[dixiegrrrrl]

78. A terrible sad event, and a heartfelt post. Thank you.

[jb5150]

79. Very sad

Condolences on your loss......

[knitter4democracy]

80. Oh my. I could have been her. I'm so very sorry.

My STBX is like that, and I'd bet that it was worse than she even told you. For me, at least, it was like that boiled frog analogy--it started off fine, and it was only after he moved out for the divorce that I realized just how very awful it had been all along.

She was so beaten down that she couldn't see light anymore. I'm so very sorry you've lost her. I pray now that she's at peace and is a part of joy.

[DesertRat]

82. That's so very sad

I'm sorry. :hug:

[mnhtnbb]

83. Oh, SmileyRose. That is so sad. Many times the process of therapy

does give people the courage and strength to make tough choices that will make their lives better.

I'm sorry your friend made the decision to take her life. May she rest in peace. Hugs to you
for being her good friend.

:hug:

[Lorien]

84. I'm so sorry that you lost a dear friend. The world is not kind to those

that suffer, and there was little that you alone could have done for her. I've seen people here on DU call those who commit suicide "cowards" and "selfish". No poster on DU dares ask for help; the thread is locked at once and they are told to call a suicide hotline (sorry-that's not going to happen). As someone who has personal experience with such feelings I can tell you; our society is downright dismissive, disdainful and even hostile towards those who aren't happy and thriving 24/7. Your neighbor's tragedy happens far more frequently than anyone cares to imagine. SOMETHING needs to change to end the taboo on this topic.


Suicide - the silent crisis
By Deborah DiMasi
April 15, 2009


MOST OF US ARE reluctant to discuss suicide openly and to recognize it as a major cause of preventable death. That must change. We must become open and honest in order to remove the stigma that for too long has been associated with mental illness and suicide.
Discuss
COMMENTS (6)

For me, suicide is a profoundly personal and painful issue - my family has suffered the loss of two loved ones to suicide. Three years ago, my brother Jeff took his own life and my niece, Siobhan, ended her life last June.

Death is inevitably a source of sorrow and loss. But when death comes not from accident or illness but from a conscious act, that sorrow is compounded by anguish and regret.

With my pain, I resolved to do what I could to stop another family from being shattered, another school from being traumatized, and another community from being shocked by one more suicide.

Working with the dedicated leaders in the Massachusetts Coalition for Suicide Prevention, I spoke out and worked with countless others to erase the stigma around suicide and mental illness. I utilized the unique voice and megaphone at my disposal, testifying in public hearings, advocating for funding, and addressing hundreds of survivors to rally our cause.

Our work paid off as the Legislature and Governor Patrick made Massachusetts a leader in working to prevent suicides. Last week, data from the Massachusetts Department of Public Health reported that suicide took the lives of another 509 of our relatives, friends, and neighbors in 2007.

Adults and seniors are at the greatest risk, but teens report higher rates of suicidal behavior than the national average, according to the state's 2007 Youth Risk Behavior Survey. According to that report, 23,000 local youngsters attempt suicide each year.

This can change. The American Association of Suicidology estimates 90 percent of suicides can be prevented.

How? End the silence.

"Suicide takes more lives than homicide and HIV/AIDS combined, yet it is shrouded in secrecy and blame for the dead, the injured, and their loved ones," said my partner in advocacy, Ellen Connorton, founder of the Massachusetts Coalition for Suicide Prevention. "It has touched most of us yet we barely speak it, the media rarely cover it, and, until it touches our own lives, we avoid thinking about it."

In Massachusetts, our leaders, at the urging of so many dedicated advocates and families, have shown true vision. In 2001, we secured the first-ever appropriation for suicide prevention, and since then funding has grown to $4.1 million (it was cut by $650,000 in the last round of emergency budget cuts).

Those dollars are making possible a broad spectrum of innovative programs that will provide critical suicide prevention training and services in schools, workplaces, neighborhoods, and homes. They are providing vital training not only for those working in healthcare but also for school personnel and human resource professionals. They are providing critical support and intervention for those who have lost a loved one to suicide and helping to erase the stigma attached to suicide and psychiatric illness.

It will take some time to see prevention efforts reflected in data. When awareness increased on under-recognized health problems such as domestic violence and people began reporting these incidents, rates increased for a time.

I fully recognize that we are in the midst of a painful fiscal crisis and the governor and Legislature have difficult decisions to face in making up for lost revenues. But we cannot cut back on the work we have done, we cannot lose funding to these important programs - they are working and they are saving lives.

Those who take their own lives and those at risk are not strangers. They are our loved ones, our friends, and our neighbors, and it must be our mission to help them before it is too late.

For my brother and my niece - for Jeff and Siobhan - it is too late.

But for thousands of others, there is still time. We must do everything we can to bring them out from the darkness and into the light of safety. If we act now, there is still time.

Deborah DiMasi is a volunteer suicide prevention advocate and a cable television host.

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2009/04/15/suicide___the_silent_crisis/

[inna]

92. thanks a lot for posting this!

<<"Suicide takes more lives than homicide and HIV/AIDS combined,>>


IS THAT REALLY TRUE?? are these real stats?? i had NO idea, even though a close friend killed herself last summer.

i wonder how the numbers in the US compare to numbers in other countries, too, with our horrendous social safety net...

[Muttocracy]

105. yes, by CDC Statistics

and I always wonder about "accidents"

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr57/nvsr57_14.pdf

The 15 leading causes of death in 2006 were:
Diseases of heart (heart disease)
Malignant neoplasms (cancer)
Cerebrovascular diseases (stroke)
Chronic lower respiratory diseases
Accidents (unintentional injuries)
Diabetes mellitus (diabetes)
Alzheimer’s disease
Influenza and pneumonia
Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome and nephrosis (kidney disease)
Septicemia
Intentional self-harm (suicide)
Chronic liver disease and cirrhosis
Essential hypertension and hypertensive renal disease (hypertension)
Parkinson’s disease
Assault (homicide)

[Myrina]

136. Amen, and thank you.

:hug:

[easttexaslefty]

149. yes!

There but by the grace of god go you...

[Butch350]

85. Life is full of "smiles and cries" - Sorry about your friend.

[jimlup]

86. I'm sorry for your loss

That is a sad story. It will now be hard for her family.

I disagree that counseling and medication wouldn't have helped. A good counselor would have pointed out what she could do to move toward solving that one glaring problem. And medication may have given her the strength to pull it together.

I have to wonder about health care? Did she have access to mental health services? I can understand why she might not have tried for help but I wonder if she had the option - if not, I'll be mad about our ridiculous health care system.

[SmileyRose]

90. She had coverage but could not afford the co-pays

she also lacked the will to go. She always thought she was just expecting too much from life. She was hard on herself for being unhappy. He brought his paycheck home, he didn't cheat on her, he helped around the house, he was the perfect gentleman in public. The only time he was ever mean to her was when she was stupid enough to need anything from him that he was too busy or overwhelmed to give. She had been convinced her unhappiness was her own fault, she was convinced she was unreasonable.

The fact is, even those of us with "good" insurance that covers mental health, actually accessing it often presents so many barriers - and with depression, someone is very unlikely to jump through all those hoops. Taking co-pay money for sessions and meds away from the family for something so silly.

Paying for a bypass or chemo is one thing. Someone will die without it. But paying for counseling, somehow we've all been convinced we should just stop being whiners and go find some bootstraps to pull up on.

[klebean]

146. stigma of psychotherapy

"Paying for a bypass or chemo is one thing. Someone will die without it. But paying for counseling, somehow we've all been convinced we should just stop being whiners and go find some bootstraps to pull up on."

It's the american WASP way, isn't it.

Viktor Frankl summed up well the essence of true freedom
when he asserted that the only thing we really have control
over is our freedom to choose how we feel and react to what life gives us.

Lily, the young runaway in Sue Monk Kid's "The Secret Life of Bees" is a perfect example
of this. The book and movie differ slightly; here's the book version:
"I tell myself that when he drove away that day he wasn't saying good riddance; he was saying,
'Oh Lily, you're better off there in that house of colored women. You never would've flowered with me like you will with them.'"

Of course it was not reality, but she knew that; yet w/that knowledge, she chose to believe something else.
Is this a form of insanity? Or, is it a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances?
Don't we do this every time we say in forgiveness, "My parents did the best they could".

Really depressed people have little awareness that they have any choices at all.
Counseling merely helps others become aware there are choices; it may take time
to act on the idea of having choices, but eventually - w/a goal oriented therapist - movement toward change begins.

When someone you care about would benefit from psychotherapeutic counseling,
and perhaps holds the common view that therapy is nothing but "psychobabble",
try reframing your suggestion to something like, "emotional support" or "problem solving"
to mediate the stigma by using realistic terms for the process.

[MissDeeds]

87. So very sorry for the loss of your friend

She was blessed to have you in her life to listen to her deepest thoughts and to truly care and understand. It sounds like her husband was a self absorbed dolt who will manage to find fault with her for her final act of despiration. I doubt he will ever see his role in this, as he did play one. Simple human compassion on his part could have eased her pain. RIP dear lady. And bless you, SmileyRose, for your kindness to her.

[madmax]

88. Sorry for the loss of your friend

I'm sure you were one of the bright spots in her life away from her family. Know in your heart that you brought her a measure of happiness and comfort. You're a good person. :hug:

[SoDesuKa]

89. Another Tylenol Suicide

People don't know about that stuff. With Tylenol poisoning, even if they find you alive there may be nothing they can do to save you. Needless to say, Tylenol's managers are leery of more bad publicity.

Tylenol is dangerous. I'm not sure how to regulate it, but you shouldn't be allowed to buy four bottles in a retail store all at once. At least there ought to be some kind of reporting requirement. Somebody who's determined to kill themselves won't be deterred, but a lot of suicide victims are at least ambivalent about it. Any kind of impediment will save some lives.

[cabluedem]

107. Tylenols dangers have been known for years. Should have a black box label "Do not use with alcohol".

Alcohol makes certain enzymes in the liver allow the Tylenol
to do even more damage to the liver function.

Personally, I wont touch it at all. Motrin is much safer.

[glowing]

121. You are right about that one.. my friend in college took tylenol as she headed

to bed after drinking.. trying to help the eventual hangover.. she's lucky, we got her to the hospital.. scared the crap out of us smart college science kids..duh, guess when we are drunk, chemistry lessons aren't the first thing going thru our head. After that, we wouldn't let anyone in our quad buy Tylenol.

[cabluedem]

152. It should be crime not to report this effect but money talks. n/t

[dysfunctional press]

128. i have NO use for tylenol. i won't even take vicodin- i demand vicoprofen instead

tylenol is dangerous stuff.

[donheld]

91. I'm so sorry

[totodeinhere]

93. This is so sad and so tragic.

And as I type this someone else is probably committing suicide somewhere else.

I am hoping that the new administration will sink more money into researching causes and potential treatments. Far too little IMO is being done to fight the scourge of suicide.

[usregimechange]

94. Our envirnoments are so impactful, make sure yours is supportive and healthy

[obiwan]

97. I am a liberal, too and that's my credo, too.

Think about how what you do affects others. Love your fellow man. Turn the other cheek, cause your fellow human is , well, ...human. That's what matters.

I suffer from bipolar disorder, among other things. So I have an idea what she was going through. Everybody deserves some respect, even if it seems the rest of the world doesn't think so.

God bless your friend. I don't think she is in pain anymore.

And hang in there. Sometimes life isn't fair.

[applegrove]

99. I am sorry.

[Iwillnevergiveup]

101. You were a good friend, SmileyRose

to this woman who desperately needed one.

Even though you may not realize it today, people like you make all the difference in this world. Everyone needs a friend like you.

You have my deepest sympathy.

[Lance31]

102. I can appreciate where she is coming from

personally, I have no family, one friend to speak of who lives in another town. I have been in this town (in depths of New Mexico) for 7 months. Other than work and studying, well thats it. Depression continually haunts me.

Dating is almost impossible, the town has no nite life. My only real hope is getting accepted at a job in L.A. or San Franscico. However who am I kidding I havent dated in almost five years now. I have tired, you have no idea.

Wow this is pathetic, dribbling away on a board.
+

[SmileyRose]

103. Lance

:hug:

[nashville_brook]

142. lance -- dating sucks.

and, if you're the kind of person who lives in the depths of NM (swoon), then dating isn't going to be for you anyway. but that doesn't mean you're not going to meet your "special person." do the things that makes you happy, and seek out other people who get together to that thing too. political campaigning is an obvious choice. but there's also outdoors things that brings people of like minds together -- hiking groups, paddling (is there paddling out there?), arts groups, professional groups -- seek out your tribe and you'll find your person.

[SmileyRose]

147. paddling?? LOL

:spank: :blush:

[nashville_brook]

148. ha! hadn't thought of that!

i meant kayaking, but that sort of paddling would certainly attract birds of a feather as well.

[wyntertyme]

104. I'm so sorry about your friend

It hit so close to home for me - especially when I read the part about having to justify a divorce w/ her family because she'd built up his image to her family. I did the same thing. One rainy evening as I was driving home from a class, I considered running the car off the road. I was tired of the pain - pain that no one knew,not even my teen-aged children, and I couldn't share because everyone thought I had the perfect home, the perfect marriage.

But behind closed doors, it was different. Baseless accusations of infidelity were just the tip of the iceberg and had gone on since the first year we married. The pain had become unbearable, or so I thought. I don't remember why I changed my mind that evening, but I'm glad that I did. I spoke to my family doctor, whose response to my "but he doesn't hit me", with a statement that validated my pain.

Since that time, I've begun a new life, in another part of the country. For many years I was estranged from my children because they could not (and we still don't discuss it) deal with the truth. I've been in a good, solid relationship for several years.

Keep an eye out on your friends - even the briefest of words and random acts of kindness can be what keeps them hanging on.

Basic human respect and love: it's why I'm a liberal also.

[renate]

115. I'm so glad you made the decision you did

... and so glad you have a new life now. :hug:

[KillCapitalism]

106. Condolences

Man, four bottles of Tylenol is a BAD way to go.

[SeattleGirl]

108. Oh, Rose, I am so very sorry for your loss.

And I'm sorry that your friend felt that suicide was the only way out for her.

I send you my heartfelt condolences. :hug:

[orleans]

110. wow--sometimes the hurt just runs so deep...

sounds like that was going on with your friend.

i'm really sorry. there is nothing sadder than losing someone.

[eagertolearn]

111. I had a step sister who committed suicide when she was 25. I couldn't

quite understand why people feel so stuck in a situation but then as I got older I realized that that is what depression does...it paralyzes you and you are unable to "get out" of a bad situation. I used to think why wouldn't someone go volunteer in a 3rd world country and help others? But people who are depressed can't move. My grandmother committed suicide also and i found out from a good friend of hers 40 years later that she had severe bi-polar disease and non of the meds would help her back then. My grandmother had grandchildren and a daughter who loved her so much but that didn't help her.
It is good that you were her friend. It's sad that she pretended to her family that everything was okay. We all need to have friends whom we can share things and be honest. Was she religious? Why else would she stay in a marriage like that?

[Nostradammit]

112. Thank you for being her friend, Smiley Rose

You are the jewel of the universe.

[dana_b]

117. I hope she's at peace

my thoughts go out to you.

[voc]

118. Condolences...

So sorry for the loss of your friend. She was very fortunate to have you to love her.
May she rest in peace. May you find peace.

[Liberal813]

119. So sorry for your loss

With all of the turmoil and upheaval during these tough economic times, there are many who find it difficult to admit they are depressed. I am sure that your friend was gratified to have your support, as well as that of her co-workers. It is truly unfortunate, that her husband, although he may have loved her in his own way, was unable to sit down and discuss their problem in a more rational manner.

[SalmonChantedEvening]

120. Love, condolences and vibes Smiley Rose

My heart goes out to you. Blessings upon your friends' memory.

:cry: :loveya: :hug:

[lostnfound]

122. At least a third of the married women I know

feel angry and stifled that their husbands demean or belittle them all the time, or are "too controlling".

[Unca Jim]

124. A lot of men feel the same way...

It's a shame more people don't really think about how what they are saying effects the person they love. So much harm is dished out without thinking in the heat of the moment.

[SmileyRose]

140. Amen to that

I know an awful lot of people who are kinder and more forgiving to strangers than they are the people living in their own homes.

I was VERY fortunate to have parents determined to teach me that manners and kindness and basic honesty are more important at home than in the streets. I shared a room with 2 sisters and one of my cousins. - 2 sets of bunk beds in a 10x12 room with one dinky closet and 2 dressers. You can bet there were fights about my stuff, your stuff, and imaginary lines down the middle of the room. My brothers had the same deal with 2 male cousins sharing their room. Not to mentions the boys vs girls. My parents spent a fair amount of time playing referee.

To this day, when my husband manages to stomp on my toes so to speak, or I stomp on his - which is bound to happen - we still practice the "go to your corner" rule. We try very hard not to speak in the heat of the moment. It happens, but incredibly rarely.

[ejpoeta]

123. that's so awful!!! so sad that she felt the pain so greatly and that she felt this was her only way

out of it. I have been depressed in my life. i was young, then. exhibited self destructive behavior. and ended up despondent. i wrote in a notebook about killing myself. taking pills. i remember dumping them into my hand and then putting them into my mouth and spitting them back out. i was too chicken to do it. the pain I felt was that bad. my sister found my notebook and spent all night talking me into going up to the hospital. i ended up there for a week and a half. i felt i was being ganged up on in a conspiracy by my family who put me there against my will. but i know i would not be here now if they hadn't done it. and i realize that these things pass. i have had episodes since, but have never let them get to that point again. I don't ever want to go back there!! that pain is so awful. and i now know what my suicide would do to my family. I know when i was in that hell i figured no one would even notice i was gone or care. and i feel sure that your friend must have felt that way too. it's a shame that she didn't confide these feelings to you. just getting them out can help. it's hard to see things clearly when you are in a dark haze.

thank you for this post. I hope you will be ok. You did everything that you could and please do not blame yourself. It is not your fault!!

[Unca Jim]

125. Smiley...

You have talked about how your friend felt and how her husband felt, but please don't forget yourself.

From personal experience I know that you'll probably blame yourself for not seeing how desperate the situation was for your friend and helping her in time. *YOU DID WHAT YOU COULD*. Her life was *better* because you were in it.

Everyone around her is recriminating themselves right now, which is normal. We always want to save someone we care about. But cut yourself a little slack and remember how much she meant to you and how glad you are that you knew her, not how you somehow "failed" her.

[NorthCarolina]

129. A thoughtful, well written post. Very touching, you obviously are a great friend. n/t

[Dinger]

130. I Am So Sad For Her And For You

My sincerest condolences. :grouphug:

[go west young man]

131. So sorry for the loss of your friend.

I love why you say your a liberal. To quote John Lennon "Love is the answer". For anyone feeling lonely, information is the key and anything by Diane Ackerman is very good for the love longing brain. "A Natural History of Love" is a great start.

http://www.amazon.com/Natural-History-Love-Diane-Ackerman/dp/0679761837/ref=pd_sim_b_1/190-2712526-2439167
http://www.dianeackerman.com/



She teaches one how to love life and oneself so that they may know how to love naturally. Peace be with you and your neighbor.

[Blackhatjack]

133. Never underestimate the 'quiet desperation' that lies behind their everyday smiles....

People who choose suicide either see no way out of the current situation, or they are too overwhelmed and fatigued by the effort that would be required.

Or in other words, their thinking is impaired by present circumstances --and often the prevention of suicide is simply delaying the act for 24 hours which allows the person to think more clearly about their plight.

[Enthusiast]

134. Sorry, SmileyRose

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. I am forwarding love and positive vibes your way. There are so many sad and unfulfilled lonely people out there. The internet has helped millions of us feel connected.

[geiger]

137. I woke up in the middle of the night one day this past week, and

was struck with this horrifying thought that someone in our lives could be gone tomorrow, and it would be devastating.

Thank you for sharing this story. You are right to remind us to look around and pay attention. Also you are right to call for civility on the internet. There is a lot of frustration and anger and we need to remember that we are supposed to be the Party of compassion.

[nashville_brook]

139. wow -- this reminds me so much of my first marriage.

counseling did help me, but i can totally see how someone with a little less self-confidence could fall off the edge instead of loading the dogs and dishes in the car and leaving.

these relationships are a constant grind. a one-way dynamic... no intimacy... what happens when you've invested your life with a narcissist, is that you get this 'one armed bandit' psychology going where you think "one more month... one more year..." s/he'll come around. you've got the 'investments' of family and friends and the house and time and history... it makes some kind of twisted sense to try and stick with it hoping the antidepressants will help (his or yours).

are you prepared to deconstruct your whole life, no matter how crappy it is? or is it easier just to exit stage left? or exist in the vacuum?

the Tylenol sounds to me like she was recognizing the pain she was in and threw an inwardly destructive tantrum aimed at ridding herself of the 'pain.' like she meant to do herself harm, at the same time as trying to end the pain. i completely understand this.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

154. Emotional abuse can destroy a person.

There are LOTS of narcissists out there. And they suck your energy, nothing you do is ever good enough for them, because they don't grant you basic respect as a starting point.

I had to get a divorce after four years of constant nagging. I had a physical collapse from exhaustion and bacterial pneumonia caused by non-pathogenic bacteria. My immune system had given up. I was sick off and on, in and out of the hospital numerous times, for five years. My doctor saved my life by washing my lungs out four times in five years.

If one person is not committed to a marriage, there is no way to save it. You can't make another person like you or love you.

He still hasn't learned anything. Everything is still my fault twenty years later. And I learned that I don't have to be a doormat. Nobody ever told me to stand up for myself, because other people were busy exploiting me (parents and peers and bosses).

He was smart enough to do things that he could not be charged for crimes with, but were morally horrendous.

[FailureToCommunicate]

141. Sounds like you did all you could as a good friend. Sorry for you loss.

[MrMickeysMom]

143. May I say something, SmileyRose?

First, I'm so sorry. You appeared to be one of her lifelines, and I'm very sorry for your loss and her family's loss. Jesus, this is awful.

Second, I don't want to make you feel bad about whether something would have "saved" her, but after reading about your friend, my feeling is that her problem wasn't so much that she needed a divorce (though, she should have, IMO), it WAS that she DID need TREATMENT. It might have included counseling, an assessment by a psychiatrist after seeing the counselor to rule out a need for clinically depressive treatment, and some kind of activity (punching bag, aerobic exercise, walking bitch session).

Thanks for sharing your story. I don't want that point to be lost without considering that we are NOT talking about the occasional "blue" day here. This was a severe clinical depression you're describing and 80% of those disorders ARE TREATABLE.

These days, we could all use the comfort of knowing this.

Peace be with you, SmileyRose.

MMM

[ForeverWonderful]

144. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

I am very sorry for the loss of your friend :(

-ForeverWonderful

[struggle4progress]

145. A neighbor of mine committed suicide about fifteen years ago. She was a lovely and friendly person,

who one day told me she had lost almost all her retirement savings in a bad investment. She was still friendly and outgoing the next few times I saw her -- and then suddenly she was gone

[earth mom]

150. This is so sad. I'm sorry for your loss.

:(

[Maru Kitteh]

151. The life she had was made better by having you in it. Thank you for such a meaningful post and

thank you for being her friend. I am profoundly moved, and deeply sorry for your loss.

[nadinbrzezinski]

153. Smiley I am sorry for your loss

and I beg of you, don't blame yourself.

Suicides have a terrible toll on others.

:hugs: