Shocking New TSA Strategy Announced

[MineralMan]

www.tongueincheeknewstoday.com

TSA Announces New Dog Detection Plan

Washington, 2/18/10: At a press conference later today, the TSA is expected to announce a new security screening measure that will be deployed in March, 2010 in all commercial airports. A TSA spokesperson, speaking in confidence, gave this preview of the announcement:

"The TSA has noticed that the flying public is becoming more and more upset by our introduction of new security screening techniques. We care about the sensibilities of those who fly through our skies, so we have come up with a new plan that combines necessary security screening with a calming effect on travelers."

"For the past several months, we have been training hundreds of Black Labrador Retrievers and Golden Retrievers in our facility in West Virginia. The training is now complete and we are deploying them, and their handlers, to all commercial airports. As you know, these two dog breeds are favorites with the American People."

"Our Friendly Puppy Patrol (FPP) is specially trained to detect explosive residues, drugs, and other contraband by sniffing the crotches of the flying public. It has been learned that these residues are almost always detectable through this technique. The FPP dogs are also trained to wag their tails vigorously during the detection maneuver, which should have a calming effect and create a humorous attitude. We encourage screenees to praise the FPP dogs with words like, 'Good dog' and 'Hey, boy.'"

"We are confident that our FPP procedure will not only detect dangerous individuals, but that we may be able to discontinue some other security screening procedures and speed travelers on their way."

When asked about possible negative reactions from people who dislike dogs, the spokesman said, "All good Americans love dogs. We anticipate no problems."

[montanto]

1. "good boy!" as the dog is barking at my testicles.

I can see it all now. What a comfort.

[MineralMan]

7. Now, now...you want to fly safely, right?

[leftofcool]

13. Let's see........

Fly safely...keep my balls? Fly safely....keep my balls? Some decisions just suck!

[MineralMan]

14. Too true...too true...

[hlthe2b]

2. While satire... Well trained Bomb sniffing dogs would be

far more effective, it would seem, than those mechanical "sniffers".... More professional than a lot of the TSA agents, I'd bet, as well.

[pipi_k]

4. I wonder if a fart would trigger a false positive, though... n/t

[MineralMan]

6. Depends on what you ate, I'd think. I advise against broccoli.

[AwakeAtLast]

33. Or poppy seeds

;)

[WhiteTara]

32. dogs can only be trained to find one thing

they can't train to find drugs, bombs, etc simultaneously. Or at least that is what I've been told.

[mmonk]

3. Can they come up with something less intrusive than involving private parts?

[MineralMan]

5. You just think those are private parts. No more...

[givemebackmycountry]

8. "All good Americans love dogs. We anticipate no problems."

"But those BAD Americans better watch their mouths and we anticipate no problems with them either, because the dog will bite their genitalia off"

[MineralMan]

10. Shh...they aren't releasing that information...keep that under your hat.

[BeFree]

9. OMG!

What if someone went around spraying dry gun powder on the butts of suits in airports?

Wouldn't be long they'd be evacuating the place and shutting it down.

My solution to this mess is everyone fly naked. I'd fly again just for that experience alone.

[MineralMan]

11. Or nitrate fertilizer on the seats in the boarding areas.

Perhaps they haven't fully thought this new measure through...

[BeFree]

12. Now you've gone and done it...

...you gave the terrorists a good bad idea.

They'll have to remove all the seats in airports and take away our freedom to sit.

[MineralMan]

15. Where does the Constitution guarantee you the right to sit?

Nowhere...that's where. It isn't one of your gawd-given rights like owning a gun.

[BeFree]

22. Well

When everybody is standing around all day in airports and they ask who is to blame for the seats being removed, we can blame it all on Mineral Man.

[MineralMan]

24. Well, people sit too much anyhow. That, and high-fructose corn

syrup, of course, is why we're a nation of fatties. A little standing will do us all good.

[HopeHoops]

16. LOL! I know it is a joke, but I had a golden retriever goose me in Montreal's airport.

I guess my "Tommy Chong without the bong" appearance made me a target, but the dog shoved its snout right up my ass! I turned around, chuckled, and petted it on the head. It seemed like a rather nice critter.

[MineralMan]

17. Sure. That's why they chose those breeds.

Not much training required. They're just natural crotch-sniffing dogs.

[HopeHoops]

21. We've got one in our neighborhood that rolls over and pisses herself.

Her owners are wingnuts and their excuse for her complete lack of discipline is that she's "just a dumb dog" who "won't listen to anything". She escapes whenever she can (and has since she was a puppy) and races through the neighborhood with a rather comic gait. If you call her over, she'll come right away, roll over on her back, and piss all over herself.

I have no trouble controlling her. I grab her collar and command her with authority. She seems to want that. If I put her on a leash, she'll heel and walk nicely for me. As soon as one of her owners takes her on a lead, she falls down and refuses to walk or sprints off in any which direction. Their only "command" is to yell her name and yank on her leash. No fucking WONDER the dog doesn't listen to them!

I guess it shouldn't be a shock, but their three kids are also completely without common sense or discipline.

And yes, they still have McCain/Palin stickers on their cars.

[MineralMan]

25. I think they're the most biddable breed of dog I know. So easy

to train and so eager to please. Great dogs. A little boisterous when young, but that's part of the fun.

[HopeHoops]

26. It is just so sad when a great dog like that is ruined by idiot owners.

She WANTS to be a good dog - you can just tell. They treat her like trash. I don't even know why they have a dog.

[MineralMan]

27. They just need something to kick. Poor dog.

[HopeHoops]

29. I don't think they physically abuse her. She isn't hand shy. Mental abuse is a definite.

[seabeyond]

18. the dogs sniffing your crotch would be a hell of a lot more effective than the scanners MM

your condescending posts to those who oppose for many reasons seems just a foolish to me that you believe you are now "safe"

[MineralMan]

19. It's never safe. Life's full of risks. We measure them and act

accordingly. So I take it you didn't enjoy my little satire? Too bad.

[seabeyond]

20. your satire was fine. it was some of the condescending comments in the thread

or one in particualr that got me to posting.

and that is the whole point, of course life is full of risks and we weigh the loss of right and privacy to effectiveness.

[MineralMan]

23. OK. I just get tired of people whining about minor inconveniences

to traveling. The typical traveler is not inconvenienced much at all by going through security at the airport. It's just not a big deal. Most of the people complaining about it don't fly. I do. It's just not a problem. The procedures exist, so you plan for them.

Occasionally, some moron TSA agent oversteps and we hear about it for months. In the meantime, millions of travelers pass through security screening with nothing more than a brief delay in their day. Stuff happens everywhere. Not every incident needs to be circulated for months on the web.

[dmallind]

30. I fly plenty, and disagree.

Maybe we go to different airports but that "brief delay" can for me be anything from 20 minutes to an hour shuffling in a cattle call line getting to the one or two "working" screeners for starters. Then there is the silliness of taking anything electronic out of your bag (and of course nobody travels with a laptop, or ipod, or ereader, right), having to take out and put back special pee-wee sized toiletries I have to buy just for this purpose in a special plastic bag, taking off my shoes and belt (as a fat guy that's always fun avoiding a lewd behavior charge!) then shuffling through an unsanitary line policed by wannabe gestapo to collect it all and put it back together while the hordes behind me cram into the same space looking for their spot to do the same thing. Meanwhile I can't even bring in so much as a bottle of water for the remaining two hour wait for a flight if it's lucky enough not to be delayed or cancelled, and I must pay five times the normal price for one after the gate. Anything larger than a portfolio has to be checked so I am lucky to have space for anything to read while I wait for my 42% likely to be on time flight (genuine data from last two years for me) which will feature a seat that is 17.5" wide, thereby forcing any adult male larger than an anorexic marathon runner (35" chest maximum based on normal physiology, let alone 275lb former weightlifters) to fight for space with the next passenger. If said passenger is brave or outspoken he will doubtless make loud innocent comments on his 30 second grace period to communicate with the outside world before we are locked in a tin tube for thrity to ninety minutes before we even take off to comment on fat seatmates. He will be accurate of course - fat I am indeed. However my fat is all in my beergut which is not the part of my body intruding on his space, since I can easily fasten seatbelts and lower armrests. There is little to no fat on my shoulders or upper torso. The fact that unless he is said anorexic marathoner he also intrudes on "my" space will almost always escape him. After said 30 to 90 minutes boarding and taxiing we may eventually take off if the delay has not forced the crew into a time out and a lightbulb in the no smoking sign in the bathroom does not have to be replaced "in the interest of safety". We hope then that we land at least in the same zipcode as our connecting flight but rarely do. Meanwhile if we are landing at our final destination it seems in more than 100 flights I would at least have landed at the gates close to baggage claim ONCE, but I never have (where DO you need to fly from to land at those gates??) where we wait another 45 minutes to see if we are lucky enough for that tiny case we were forced to check to have landed with us, and even more luckily to remain somewhat the same shape. Then we have another 30 minute wait for the rental car shuttle to trundle us five miles away to the cheap land AVis et al prefer. 8 or more hours will have passed since I left home for a 90 minute flight followed by another 60 minute flight to go distance I could have driven in about 12 (this is the shortest distance I will ever fly for obvious reasons). So yeah it's all no big deal.

[MineralMan]

31. Wow! Sounds like you have a pretty difficult trip that you take

regularly. I have no idea where you are flying from and to, but it doesn't sound like much of a fun flight.

These days, I fly mainly from MSP to LAX and back. I used to fly to lots more places, but I'm an old retired guy these days, so I'm not doing business flying any longer.

I'm 6'1" and weigh 195. I manage to fit just fine into coach seats. It's not the most comfortable seating on the planet, but I manage for the three hours or so. If I pick a seat early enough, I can pay a bit extra for an emergency exit row. I do that whenever it's possible to get a little more leg room.

I also choose my flights carefully. We have two terminals. One serves the smaller airlines, so I fly Sun Country on that route most of the time. Since there are fewer flights from that terminal, security isn't usually that crowded. Same thing in LA. I don't think I've ever stood in line for more than 10 minutes. I travel light, with just one checked bag (where any bottles of crap go) and a laptop case. I wear slip-on shoes and transfer all the crap in my pockets to an outside pocket of the laptop case before ever getting in line. Belt goes in there, too, long before I get to the screening station. I have my boarding pass and DL out where it's needed, then stow it.

At the screening, the laptop slips out of its case in about 5 seconds. Shoes are off in 1 second and in the bin. The laptop case goes through on its own. Then I walk through the metal detector, grab my stuff and walk on. Just outside of the screening area are chairs, so I put the stuff back together and am on my way to the gate. It takes less than a minute.

Bottled water is available at the shop for $1.59 for a 16 oz. bottle. Not that high. I generally pick up a magazine, too. There's a nice sit-down restaurant where I have breakfast, and then it's time to board. I sit down on the plane and stow my laptop case under the seat in front of me, buckle up, and off we go. Delays? Once in a while. Never mind. I'll get there.

The routine at LAX is almost identical. Sure, there are delays from time to time, but I got there early enough to not worry about them. Where am I going to go? So, I wait, if it's necessary.

The benefits of flying so far outweigh any alternative that I don't mind the inconvenience that much. If I'm delayed, I read or chat with the passenger next to me, or just look out the window (I always book a window seat.) I get to my destination every time. I get home every time. What's not to like. I've driven that trip a few times. No, thanks.

[flyarm]

28. Last night on Tampa local news they reported TSA will be swabbing people's hands and putting the

swabs in a machine to detect ..exposives or some such residue...

they said to plan extra time when flying out of TPA..because of the new Procedure.

this is not satire or a joke..

They will swab both flying passengers hands.

Did these people ever hear of disposable Rubber gloves?????????

I think i would prefer the crotch sniffing dogs!!

But would the dogs sniff crabs and react to a foreign substance????

( cute adorable little dogs have been used in Customs arrival baggage claim areas for years and years now!!)

of course as a now retired 33 year NY flight crew member..I still want to know why we take our shoes off when less than 1% of everything in the baggage/cargo hold is still unchecked...but wtf would I know anyway???? Its why I took early retirement.