On Learning On Facebook That a Dear Friend Has Died

[SoDesuKa]

It's inevitable, I suppose. When you go looking up old friends on Facebook, you may get some sad news. I'd lost touch with my good friend Terry and was thinking of contacting him again. Now I find out he died two years ago. I remembered the names of his children, so I looked them up and found them. They don't look how I remember them - naturally enough. One had a early picture of himself, and that's how I remember him.

How do you express condolences to a family when the person died two years ago? I wrote, "I was your Dad's friend; he was a good man." I really want the details, but I don't want to be a pest. I think it's unfair that he should be dead, and learning what killed him might bring some closure.



Life is fleeting.

[Donnachaidh]

1. *unfair* that he should be dead?

HUH?

[SoDesuKa]

2. I Have a List of More Deserving Candidates

It's always unfair when a good person dies. There are so many others to choose from.

[kestrel91316]

8. Why so nasty to somebody who is sad??

Seriously. You forgot your head meds today??

[virgogal]

3. I would forget about the details of the death. Your nice message is sufficient.

[calimary]

4. Agreed. Hey, the way communication technology has developed, it's not unheard of

to get word of a death this way. I had a recent experience with that same thing - just your reaching out with love and sympathy and moral support is enough. That kind of message doesn't have an expiration date.

[Mimosa]

5. It's never wrong to express sincerely felt condolences.

Just a brief PM or two to family members expressing your feelings and maybe a mention of something about Terry will be appreciated by family members, I'm sure.

Donna, we don't always express our meanings with precision in online posting. Perhaps SoDesuKa meant 'life is short and seems unfair.'*shrug*

[southernyankeebelle]

6. Send them an e-mail and tell them the good times you had. They would love that.

[abogado]

7. I think you said all that was necessary, required, or maybe possible.

If they volunteer more information, accept it with grace, and if not, do the same thing.
:-)

[CTyankee]

9. Let it all tumble out and don't worry. People respond to honest emotion. It's fine.

Try to place everything in terms of "you". As in "you must be so very sad that...." to the family.

I wouldn't shy away from the fact that you were shocked that he had died and expressed that remorse. It describes human emotion and I have found that people really respond to that.

If your intention is good and noble, no one will question that...good luck...

[SoDesuKa]

10. That's Good Advice

Terry was proud of his brother Tom who stood up for workers' rights on his job. That's a good memory, and Tom will appreciate hearing it.

[CTyankee]

14. A very wise rabbi once wrote that mourning is essentially "breathing with" the

mourners (altho he was talking about face to face mourning as with "sitting shiva"). I have never forgotten that...

[Skittles]

11. it's never too late to express condolences

just tell them some memories you had of their father

[Horse with no Name]

12. The same thing happened to me

I had been looking for a friend for a long time that I lost track of.

I, too, found her daughter on Facebook (I was the second one in the world to hold this child) and wow was I excited to find her!

I sent her a message and explained who I was and how long I had been looking for her Mom and wanted to know if she would give my phone number to her. Her Mom went through some pretty heavy stuff and we just kind of lost contact.

She called me herself and told me that her Mom had been killed in the line of duty as a First Responder. After she ended up comforting me...I was able to tell her things about her Mom she didn't know and I sent her pictures that I had of her and her sister with their Mom when they were babies. It was heartening to know that her Mom finally figured things out and got on the right track.

We are very close now, and it is amazing how much she looks like her Mom when she was her age.

I let her know how proud her Mom would have been of the woman and the Mother she has become. She is an absolutely amazing Mom!

Her parents suffered through a horrible divorce and custody battle. The Dad won--but the truth was, he was the better parent at that point in time and the kids ended up where they needed to be. She and her sister had pretty limited access to their Mom because she was going through some stuff.

It ended up being a very good thing for both of us. I was one of the few people that she had access to that remembered when her parents loved each other and told her stories that her Mom would have wanted her to know.

Just contact this person and be open to where it all leads. You might be surprised that they would love to talk to you as much as you would talk to them. Just try to remember a couple of stories that you can share. That meant the world to my friend's daughter.

[SoDesuKa]

13. Remembered Stories

Terry used get tongue-tied when he'd get mad, and he'd call the boys by the wrong name. When he'd correct himself and be wrong again, the kids would be trying not to laugh at him. I'm sure each of them remembers that.