The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 315

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 315

November 19, 2007
Sonny Optimism Edition

This week Sonny Perdue's (1) prayers go unanswered, the United States Bridge Federation (4) treats its players like the Dixie Chicks, and Howard Krongard (9) recuses himself. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!



Sonny Perdue

Gov. Sonny Perdue of Georgia has a pretty typical Republican approach to government:

1) Ignore any crises that may be headed your way until its far too late to do anything.

2) Once a crisis hits, don't come up with any plans to lessen the impact.

3) Get down on your knees and pray for salvation.

As drought-stricken southern states face serious water shortages, Gov. Perdue came up with a generations-old solution to the problem last week:

More than 250 faithful Georgians joined Perdue outside the Capitol to ask for divine intervention to end the historic drought.

"We come here very reverently and respectfully to pray up a storm," Perdue told those in attendance.

About a dozen TV cameras representing local and national stations and more than a dozen print reporters and photographers captured the ceremony. At one point a TV helicopter threatened to drown out much of the sound.

The Rev. Gil Watson, pastor of Northside United Methodist Church, urged those in attendance to "pray believing we should have all brought umbrellas.

"We have not been good stewards of our land. We have not been good stewards of our water," he said. "Lord, have mercy on your people, have mercy on us and grant us rain. Oh God, let rain fall on this land of Georgia."

But scoff not, lest ye be struck down! According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, "the National Weather Service said there was a fair chance that some light rain might fall in North Georgia on Wednesday." It's a miracle! (Either that, or Sonny Perdue read the weather forecast before holding his prayer vigil.)

And just as predicted - er, I mean, thanks to the awesome power of Perdue's prayers - it did rain! Sonny was vindicated.

"This is hopefully the beginning of more," Perdue said from Canada, where he is on a trade mission. "One rain won't refill the reservoirs. It is great affirmation of what we asked for."

So how great was this great affirmation?

Overnight rainfall totals included 0.14 inch at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, 0.21 inch at DeKalb-Peachtree Airport and 0.28 inch at Dobbins Air Reserve Base. The rain was a little heavier north of town, with Cartersville reporting 0.82 inch and Gainesville 0.75 inch.

Hey Sonny, perhaps that's God's way of telling you to get off your ass and start coming up with some real ideas to help mitigate this problem. Just a thought.



George W. Bush

Our Great Leader went on the offensive last week, blasting Democrats for reckless spending and accusing them of "acting like a teenager with a new credit card."

Funny story though - according to the Washington Examiner:

Bush stuffs his budget with billions for pet projects very much like the ones he attacks when they originate on Capitol Hill, according to taxpayer groups and members of Congress.

"The president directs 20 times as much spending to special projects than the congress does," House Appropriations Committee Chairman David Obey, D-Wis., told The Examiner this week.

Democratic House and Senate appropriators point to page after page of specific projects requested by the president in the 2008 spending bills. The actual number, according to watchdog groups, is nearly impossible to tally, but Senate Democrats recently pointed to hundreds, including 580 worth $15.6 billion that Bush included in his appropriation request for military construction and veterans affairs.

The $31.6 billion energy and water spending bill also contains billions in direct spending on projects selected by the Bush administration.

Hmm. And that spending would include...?

* $24 million on the Laura Bush 21st Century Librarian Program

* $8.9 million on the Points of Light foundation, Poppy Bush's pet non-profit organization

* $1 billion on the Reading First program (a program designed to illegally funnel taxpayer cash to Bush's corporate cronies)

And I'm sure there was something else... what was it... it's on the tip of my tongue.

Oh yes...

* $2 TRILLION ON BLOWING THE CRAP OUT OF IRAQ FOR NO REASON.



The Bush Administration

Speaking of blowing the crap out of Iraq for no reason, Stephen Biddle - top adviser to General Get Out Of My Dreams Get Into My Car Petraeus - was out and about last week, bragging to reporters about the success of George W. Bush's Manly Surge. All went well until Biddle accidentally told the truth.

Q: Well what do you attribute this whole change on the ground to? Is this due to what is called "the surge," or good diplomacy by the U.S. military, or just luck?

BIDDLE: All of those things have some role but I would put "luck" as probably the biggest.

I can see why the administration isn't pushing that angle - "the luck is working" doesn't quite have the same ring to it. But perhaps there's another option that Bush & Co. haven't considered...

Attacks against British and Iraqi forces have plunged by 90 percent in southern Iraq since London withdrew its troops from the main city of Basra, the commander of British forces there said Thursday.

The presence of British forces in downtown Basra, Iraq's second-largest city, was the single largest instigator of violence, Maj. Gen. Graham Binns told reporters Thursday on a visit to Baghdad's Green Zone.

"We thought, 'If 90 percent of the violence is directed at us, what would happen if we stepped back?'" Binns said.

Britain's 5,000 troops moved out of a former Saddam Hussein palace at Basra's heart in early September, setting up a garrison at an airport on the city's edge. Since that pullback, there's been a "remarkable and dramatic drop in attacks," Binns said.

"The motivation for attacking us was gone, because we're no longer patrolling the streets," he said.

Wow, so removing occupying foreign forces from Iraq actually reduces violence there? Gee, who could have predicted that, apart from everybody with a brain? But let's be realistic about this. We can't pull the troops out now - not while there are still billions of taxpayer dollars to be stuffed randomly into the pockets of Bush's corporate cronies.



United States Bridge Federation

Last week a team of women representing the U.S. at the world bridge championships found themselves repeatedly badgered by players from other countries. According to the New York Times:

"There was a lot of anti-Bush feeling, questioning of our Iraq policy and about torture," (team captain Gail) Greenberg said. "I can't tell you it was an overwhelming amount, but there were several specific comments, and there wasn't the same warmth you usually feel at these events."

And so they decided to have a bit of fun. During a presentation at an awards dinner, they held up a sign written on the back of a menu:


In case you can't read it, it says "We did not vote for Bush."

Predictably, some people were outraged. According to the Times:

By e-mail, angry bridge players have accused the women of "treason" and "sedition."

Which is nothing new. After all, there are still a few dumbasses left who think George is doing a heckuva job, and they have the right to their opinion too - even if that opinion involves the belief that announcing you didn't vote for a particular politician is an act of treason.

And that's where it probably would have ended, if it weren't for the bizarre reaction from the United States Bridge Federation.

A hearing is scheduled this month in San Francisco, where thousands of players will be gathered for the Fall North American Bridge Championships. It will determine whether displaying the sign constitutes conduct unbecoming a federation member.

Three players - Hansa Narasimhan, JoAnna Stansby and Jill Meyers - have expressed regret that the action offended some people. The federation has proposed a settlement to Ms. Greenberg and the three other players, Jill Levin, Irina Levitina and Ms. Rosenberg, who have not made any mollifying statements.

It calls for a one-year suspension from federation events, including the World Bridge Olympiad next year in Beijing; a one-year probation after that suspension; 200 hours of community service "that furthers the interests of organized bridge"; and an apology drafted by the federation's lawyer.

And perhaps creepiest of all:

It would also require them to write a statement telling "who broached the idea of displaying the sign, when the idea was adopted, etc."

Yikes. And what happens if they refuse? Whip out the waterboard? "Okay, which one of you women came up with this seditious idea? How dare you reveal that you didn't vote for the glorious leader? Speak! Or the torture will continue!"



Mark Souder

Until very recently, Kennison Battle was a cafeteria worker on Capitol Hill. According to The Hill, "former colleagues said he was well-liked" - an anonymous worker at the same cafeteria said he was "a good employee." Even his manager didn't want him to go. But unfortunately she was forced to fire him.

What was Battle's crime? Was he stealing from the register? Failing to uphold sanitation standards? Nope. He lost his job "days after Rep. Mark Souder (R-Ind.) left the establishment in a huff because his sandwich was grilled, not toasted."

Souder later complained that he wouldn't have had to go to the cafeteria in the first place if his wife hadn't kept forgetting to cut the crusts off his PB&J sandwiches, thus forcing him to have her murdered.



Julie Myers

Two weeks ago the Department of Homeland Security held a jolly Halloween party. Gosh, they had some fun! There were even prizes for the best costumes, and when it came time to select the winners, Julie Myers - "assistant secretary overseeing Homeland Security's Immigration and Customs Enforcement division" according to ABC News - picked a doozy.

A top immigration official has apologized after awarding "most original costume" to a Homeland Security Department employee who dressed in prison stripes, dreadlocks and dark makeup for a Halloween gathering at the agency.

Julie Myers, assistant secretary overseeing Homeland Security's Immigration and Customs Enforcement division, was part of a three-judge panel that lauded the costume, worn by a white employee, last Wednesday. She also posed for a photo with him.

Jeez, if they gave the "most original costume" prize to a white guy wearing blackface and a prison outfit, what on earth did everyone else show up as? Were there like fifty people wearing the same Spongebob outfit?

Anyway, it turns out that there must have been some mistake:

The employee who wore the costume was not identified, but ICE spokeswoman Kelly Nantel said he was counseled by his supervisor. He was not wearing blackface but makeup that was a darker color than his skin, Nantel said.

See? He wasn't wearing blackface, but "makeup that was a darker color than his skin." In fact:

Myers and others who saw him could not tell he was wearing makeup, Nantel said, and they learned he wore makeup when some employees complained later that day.

But just to be on the safe side:

The photo of Myers with the employee and any others taken by the official photographer showing the costume were discarded, Nantel said.

So let that be a lesson to you, DHS employees. At next year's Halloween party, keep it simple. Just find an old white sheet, cut out some eyeholes, and you'll be fine.




News Corporation

There's trouble afoot in the Magical Land of Murdoch: last week conservative publisher Judith Regan filed a lawsuit against NewsCorp, alleging that "a senior executive there encouraged her to lie to federal investigators about her past affair with Bernard B. Kerik after he had been nominated to become homeland security secretary in late 2004," according to the New York Times.

The lawsuit asserts that the News Corporation executive wanted to protect the presidential aspirations of Rudolph W. Giuliani, Mr. Kerik's mentor, who had appointed him New York City police commissioner and had recommended him for the federal post.

Surely not! I have a hard time believing that anyone at NewsCorp would advocate lying to federal investigators in an effort to prop up the presidential campaign of Rudy Giuliani...

The Fox News Channel's coverage of the presidential race has been a topic of some discussion within rival campaigns because the channel is directed by Mr. Giuliani's friend of 20 years, Roger Ailes. But the network has strongly defended the balance of its coverage under Mr. Ailes, who served as media consultant to Mr. Giuliani's first mayoral campaign in 1989. Mr. Giuliani, as mayor, later officiated at Mr. Ailes's wedding.

Yes, absolutely nothing to see here. Move along.



Fox News

Fox News viewers probably aren't going to be too bothered about the lack of coverage of the Regan lawsuit though. They're too busy ogling the network's enormous boobs - and I'm not talking about Hannity & Colmes.

Director Robert Greenwald launched an eye-popping new site last week at FoxNewsPorn.com, which features material broadcast only on Fox News. It turns out that the material is so racy that Greenwald's promo video - made up entirely of Fox News clips - was banned by Digg and age-restricted by YouTube.

It's okay though - you see, Fox News is only showing you this stuff so that you can be informed about how morally objectionable it is. And if you don't understand that the first time, they'll show it to you again, and again, and again...



Howard Krongard

The State Department's inspector general, Howard "Cookie" Krongard, appeared before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee last week to explain why he'd been trying to quash a Justice Department probe into Blackwater. Could it have something to do with the fact that Cookie's brother, A.B. "Buzzy" Krongard, is on Blackwater's advisory board? Surely not! According to the Washington Post:

At the end of his own opening statement, Krongard responded to Waxman with an off-the-cuff complaint. "One thing just came up that really does bother me, and that was an allegation concerning my brother," Cookie protested. "I specifically asked him. I do not believe it is true that he is a member of the advisory board."

Yes, stop bothering poor Cookie. He specifically asked his brother about this, and it's simply not true.

Cummings distributed two documents that the committee had uncovered: a July 26 letter from Blackwater founder Erik Prince inviting Buzzy "to become a member of the Blackwater Worldwide Advisory Board," and a Sept. 5 e-mail to "thank you for accepting the invitation to be a member."

"Sir, I dispute that," Cookie replied with indignation. He argued that "there is nothing in here that suggests that my brother accepted this July 26 invitation."

Er, okay. But despite having specifically asked his brother previously, Howard eventually decided he should probably check again. During a break in the hearing he went to use the telephone, and when he came back....

COOKIE: This is in response to something I think you found important, in the break I did contact my brother, I reached him at home, he was not at the hotel, but I learned that he had been at the advisory borad meeting yesterday, I had not been aware of that, and I want to state on the record right now that I hereby recuse myself from any matters having to do with Blackwater.

So there you have it - not just a massive conflict of interest, but lying to Congress as well! Good job, sir.



The Republican Presidential Candidates

The Top 10 is taking a break for Thanksgiving next week, but I'm going to take a moment to give thanks for the Democratic presidential contenders. There's plenty of tough campaigning going on right now to be sure - but we are fielding one strong, smart, impressive group of candidates.

So before we take a break, let's check in with the Republican presidential candidates and see how their morale is holding up...










See you in two weeks!

-- EarlG