Morons.org: Top 10 Most Moronic Stories of 2004

[Synnical]

http://web.morons.org/article.jsp?sectionid=1&id=5834

Just when you thought the world couldn't possibly get any dumber, along comes an election year to further squash all hope...

In last year's review I said, "Maybe 2004 will be better, but I'm not betting on it. It is, after all, an election year." Well I hate to say "I told you so." Actually, no, I don't hate to say that. I told you so.
This year was so stupid, in fact, that the dial goes to 11.

11. Having gotten just about as much mileage out of push polls about black babies as he could, Karl Rove's brain child this election season was the now infamous "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth," a teflon-coated organization which leveled dubious, unsubstantiated and outright false claims against Democrat candidate for president John Kerry. Instead of a forum about real issues affecting the lives of real people, the electoral discourse degraded into yet another smear campaign.


10. Nobody in the United States of America had ever seen a woman's breast prior to this year's Superbowl Halftime Show. On the other hand, everyone's been hearing about Viagra™, Cialis™, and Levitra™ since birth. So we shouldn't really have been surprised at the horror and outrage at the 70 or 80 pixels we saw of Janet Jackson's boob when boob Justin Timberlake uncovered it at the end of their song combined with the general indifference to commercials warning us about erections lasting longer than four hours (*wink*) during a violent and often-bloody sport.


9. Speaking of boobs, the coalitions, associations and councils who supposedly "defend marriage" and support "traditional values" didn't bat an eyelash at the well-publicized marriage of Britney Spears to her childhood friend Jason Alexander, which lasted almost a whole weekend. Yeah, homosexuals are the real threat to the "sanctity" of "traditional marriage," guys.


8. Though Jimmy Swaggart is no foe to New Orleans hookers, he does feel a certain passion toward gay men. He told his audience during a sermon that if a gay man looked at him "like that" he would commit a homocide, killing the gay man, then he would "tell God he died," Cain-style. Swaggart later said he was only joking. Ha ha ha!


7. We all heard the warnings before the Iraq war that Saddam Hussein might supply terrorists with weapons to attack the United States. Unsatisfied with progress in that area, we decided to take matters into our own hands, losing 380 tons of explosives that had been secure at the beginning of the war. Though the government and various right-wing apologists initially tried to explain the loss by saying the explosives weren't there when the war began, video footage from a television station in Minnesota quickly put an end to that discussion. Then shortly after that, the "liberal" media put an end to all discussion. We haven't heard about those 380 tons of explosives since. And presumably we haven't seen them either. ( Or did we?)


6. What could be more controversial than the suggestion that a Christian denomination might consider allowing gays and people of color attend its worship services? CBS and NBC couldn't think of anything more shocking and refused to air advertisements from the United Church of Christ. The ads in question depicted bouncers outside a church turning away various undesirables with the tagline, "Jesus didn't turn people away. Neither do we." Though they refused to air the spots, we hear plans are underway for a shocking new reality show, "Queer Eye for the Jesus Guy."


5. Seeking to boost rolls at protestant churches, Colorado Springs Catholic Bishop Michael Sheridan ordered all Catholics under his command to vote his way or be denied the sacraments. Though he didn't come right out and say it, the clear message was that a vote for John Kerry was a vote for your own eternal damnation. No word on whether Catholic priests who molest children would be denied communion.


4. Undeterred by the requirements imposed by science as to what constitutes a true scientific theory, and unconcerned about diluting their own religious beliefs down into almost nothing, this year we saw a push for http://web.morons.org/article.jsp?id=5713">teaching the myth of "Intelligent Design" as though it were a legitimate scientific theory on the origin of life. "Intelligent Design," could also be known as "Creationism-Lite," for it's essentially creationism where the part of "God" is played by one "I.M. Designer." The myth seems to be spreading although not without resistance.


3. Though recovering drug addict Rush Limbaugh said they were just "blowing off steam," most sane, rational Americans were appalled by the wanton abuse of Iraqi prisoners. Unlike the story of 380 tons of explosives going missing (see above), this story won't go away so easily, with new allegations of abuse surfacing periodically.


2. "Liberal Media" giant Sinclair, desperate to show us its "liberal" bias refused to air an episode of Nightline, deciding that its tribute to fallen military personnel was a liberal political stunt. One of the most dull episodes of Nightline ever, that night the names of the then-only-523 killed troops were read. Later in the year, liberal elite Sinclair Media http://web.morons.org/article.jsp?id=5638">ordered its stations to air an anti-Kerry propaganda film just nights before the election, though it later backed off one notch, electing to air a "documentary" about election propaganda instead, which drew heavily on an anti-Kerry propaganda film.


1. US President George W Bush dropped all pretenses of being something other than a religious fundamentalist and called for a Constitutional amendment against gays. The proposed Federal Marriage Amendment, which if passed would have become the only standing amendment to limit the freedom of citizens (rather than to guarantee it), ultimately died in Congress. The "uniter, not a divider" President won't be deterred by inability to get the House and Senate, both of which are controlled by his own party, to pass a proposed admendment, and he's promised to make this a priority during his second term. Who is this man uniting, anyway?

Normally this is where I say something optimistic like "maybe next year will be better," but I think we all know it won't be. The reality is that we're doomed. Doomed!

Happy holidays, and happy new year!

---Nick