Reply #35: We lost our mother a month ago and the symptoms you describe

[The Backlash Cometh]

are similar to the ones my father is going through. The one thing I see differently is that my father is keeping himself as busy as possible. The first two weeks, we made sure someone was with him at all times, but one day he told me that he needed to be alone and he needed to be allowed to grieve.

We were concerned because he found himself so disoriented at times that we determined that he had to stick to a routine. When you're depressed, it's very difficult to focus, so routines are helpful to stay on track. He starts each morning going to church and there he sometimes cries. He said matter of factly that he's found a way to do it without anyone noticing. (Just basically look straight ahead and don't wipe away the tears.) At my mom's funeral service, it was helpful to have a pastor that knew my father well and was about the same age. The pastor's sermon was on how little boys are raised to believe that it was not acceptable to cry, but that this was wrong, and that crying was the right response. So, I think that helped my father understand that grieving was okay.

So, I recommend you find a routine for your husband to follow. Give him a reason to get up in the morning. My dad doesn't talk about his grief much, but everything he does is in remembrance of my mother. After she died he rearranged some of her favorite things in a corner of the Living Room to create a memorial. And he took great pains in finding the right place to put her urn.

We did clean out her clothing right away, which is what they recommend to do, and he took some consolation and interest in making sure that it went to the right charities. He goes down and volunteers in the charity once a week. That's now a new part of his routine. If you can get him to do things that helps him interact with people, that would be the best option.