An important service needs your help! /sarcasm

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www.capalert.com

I was put onto this site by a fellow DUer and I love nothing better than to read the tortured screed of a guy reconciling his personal problems by screaming "Won't someone think of the children" and "Hollywood is evil!" In the same sentence...er paragraph....er 4000 word essay.

Our hero reviewer regularly walks into the den of hell otherwise known as a cinema to report to fellow Christians about the evils of movies. We don't know why he doesn't get screener tapes or free passes like other movie reviewers...must be that "bribe" thing in the Bible somewhere. He even freely admits to reviewing R Rated movies because "all kids see them anyway." (Hes the guy up the back in the plastic rain jacket pretending to writing with a torch and a notebook but is really masturbating during the sinful bits)

But now he needs your help.

SPECIAL NOTE TO PLANNERS: It doesn't look like we will be able to bring you analysis of Bad News Bears (PG-13), The Beautiful Country (R), Crash (R), The Devil's Rejects (R), Happy Endings (R), The Honeymooners (PG-13), Hustle & Flow (R), The Island (PG-13), Last Days (R), George A. Romero's Land of the Dead (R), Must Love Dogs (PG-13), The Perfect Man (PG), Rize (PG-13), Sky High (PG), Stealth (PG-13), or Undead (R) unless donations increase massively and regularly very quickly.

So the quick and short of it is that they (I hope there is more than one or he takes God to see the movies) need cash for a good cause of the W-I-S-D-O-M system so that all 7-10 year old kiddies will be protected from movies that after seeing will immediately make them take off all thier clothes, drink each others blood and have homosexual relations.

The W-I-S-D-O-M system is so fullproof it shows the true message of Christian films;

THE PASSION OF CHRIST
Score 69/100 = bad bad bad movie!
Though this movie is a faithful depiction of the unimaginable terrors our Lord suffered for our sakes, it is a movie. It is entertainment. Violent entertainment. Thus the reason for the zero score in the Wanton Violence/Crime investigation area. It was not Jesus in the film. It was Jim Caviezel in the full-body moulage,. That it is truthful to the actual events does not excuse exposing your kids to it unless you, mom/dad, say so. There is where the brutal objectivity of the CAP analysis model (the Findings/Scoring section) becomes most valuable. If a scene is violent, the CAP model notes it as such whether "justified" by actual events or not.

BABY MIRACLE VOLUME 2: Noha's Ark
Score 98/100 = good movie...no wait. Why only 98? Surely this would be the pinnacle of Christian entertainment.

The only instance of concern for parents in this video might be the Bible tale of the Great Flood wiping out all life except for Noah and his family . Though the Great Flood actually happened, the story of many people being drowned because of their disobedience to God may be a disturbing story for toddlers . That we are all disobedient to God may frighten toddlers who are able to discern that because of disobedience God drowned all the people on the planet. While the video carefully but accurately addresses the subject, inquisitive kids might ask tough questions about the Great Flood you will have to address. The video also reminds us of the rainbow God placed after the Great Flood to show us of His Promise to never flood the Earth again .

Ahhh can't have inquisitive toddlers they might start asking questions about their "naughty bits" or why they look so much like their cousins


Ok how bout an easy one. The evil evil public education video shipped to sinful public schools.

WE ARE FAMILY
Score: 87/100....evil evil mov--...no hang a score of 87? Even our poor reviewer has to spin like a top for this one.

Of 600 total points across the six CAP investigation areas (see CAP Methodology above), only one point was lost in only one investigation area -- in Sexual Immorality. The content that required the loss of that single point was exposure of an excessive portion of a human female breast. As the result of that scene the We Are Family video earned a final score of 87, placing it at the bottom of the scoring range earned by G-rated movies (100 to 87 out of 100) in the comparative baseline database. The We Are Family video is equivalent to "hardcore" G-rated entertainment programming.

Apparently though there is evil in the Teachers Guide...
The Teacher's Guide that accompanies the DVD is, however, perfectly suited to inject matters of homosexuality into the total presentation. Presenters who practice homosexuality or are sympathetic with the homosexual movement will find in the Teacher's Guide ample opportunity to extend the video and pave the way for secondary discussions about homosexual practitioners in the family. Adoptions and foster care by "gay" practitioners might be another place "gay" and "gay" sympathetic teachers could go with the Teacher's Guide.

So come on DU'ers. Give (nothing) generously to the CAP ministry!

Won't someone think of the children.