Need a little help here...

[thom1102]

I am at my wits end. First, a little history. I am the oldest of 4 boys. I am 33, and my brothers are 32, 31, and 19. My father passed away about 8 years ago, and right before he got sick, he and my mother were having a lot of marital difficulties, and it was unlikely their marriage would have survived. When dad got sick they put aside their differences, and focused on my dad. Since my dad died, she has been wracked with guilt over how she treated him the last few years. That is manifested in how she treats my youngest brother. She lets him get away with everything, and doesn't discipline him at all. My brother is a master manipulator. Whenever he senses he is on the verge of cracking my mother and pushing her over the edge, he gets pensive and says he is sad and thinking about my father. I have traditionally been closest to him, and we have been real buds, and I have tried to use that closeness to point out to him in a supportive way when he is being an ass.

Here is the deal, my mother's health has been poor for the last 15 years. She has beaten breast cancer twice, once before my father died, and then once again a few years ago and last year she was diagnose with 3rd stage peritoneal cancer (related to ovarian cancer). She has been undergoing chemotherapy treatments for the last eight months and my brother has been absolutely useless as far as helping her out. He lives with her, along with the 32yo brother (who has been an absolute saint in all this), and is unable to do even the simplest tasks asked of him (cleaning up after himself in the kitchen, and living room, clean up his dog's shit from the yard, vacuum the pool). The last time I was home, I stayed in his room, because he was out of town and it had airconditioning, and the room stank to high hell, the floor looked like it was growing fur, there was an eighth of an inch of dust over everything, cobwebs in the corner. I had on a number of occasions talked to him about taking the initiative and helping out around the house, and each time without any success. This time I left him a note explaining how bad the condition of his room was, and laid out a plan for him to clean the room. I was careful to stipulate, that I was not trying to tell him what to do, but to point out what needed to be done in order for the room to be clean. My mother found the note and got angry with me for trying to be a parent to him.

Additionally, he is being an asshole. Not really anything that my brothers or I didn't do when we were his age, but the last thing my mother needs to worry about is where is Kevin at 4am, or to have him stumble in drunk at 5am, throwing up, etc. Last time my mother had to go into the hospital, the 32 yo came home to 8 drunk teenagers in the house. He sleeps until 3, 4, 5 pm, gets up, cooks, or goes to the drive thru and doesn't clean up after himself. He spends money frivilously, and then needs money from my mother to pay for his car insurance.

So I am trapped in this situation where, I can't take my brother into the back yard and beat the crap out of him for being an asshole because of my mother's response (besides, he is 6'5", 275 lbs and could totally kick my ass), he won't listen to me when I try to treat him like an adult. I want to create as stress free an environment as I can for my mom, but I don't know how to deal with this out of control kid. Does anybody have any ideas? I know that realistically, he is my mother's problem, and as long as she enables his misbehavior, he will continue to abuse her trust and hospitality (although last time we talked she did say she had just about had it with him). Sorry for going on and on, but I felt the need to rant.