Reply #40: Start NOW on developing coping mechanisms!

[Interrobang]

I grew up physically handicapped and in the top 2% for intelligence, which in many ways is a similar hex on social skills, although to a much lesser degree. My parents never coddled me or overprotected me, and I was always expected to behave and interact as normally as possible. Now I'm giving other people lessons on consciously developing their social skills and on dealing with their "gimpiness" (those of them who are newcomers to it, that is), much of which is the same thing.

Your son will need to know things like how to read body language and facial expressions -- and how to perform them for himself, what to do if he gets into a social situation he can't handle (relaxation techniques, avoidance techniques, or just walking out), how to control his tone of voice and speech patterns so that he doesn't seem hostile, detached, or uninterested to others, how to act and function for himself in a variety of social situations (I suggest specific instructions and role-playing afterward), how to deal with people who are different from him in possibly incompatible ways, and a myriad of other 'procedures' that you probably learned instinctually but I didn't, and neither will he.

If he does indeed have AD(H)D, he'll also need clear motivation towards doing specific tasks (my fiance, my boss, and one of my best friends and one of his kids are ALL ADD!). He will need to learn patience, how to deal with frustration (such as by getting up and walking away for awhile, and you may have to specifically *tell* him to do so!), and where to find and how to set his own limits. You may also even have to teach him when and when not to ask for (or offer) help. (Some people with these sorts of conditions wind up annoying an awful lot of people simply because they're always trying to help others, and they wear out their welcome -- and don't realize it.)

With luck, LOTS of patience and hard work, and some professional help, you can help him become a functional adult. However, the time to start working on 'real-world' coping skills is NOW. If your son hasn't picked up a goodly number of these things by the time he's in his late teens or so, it'll probably be too late. Speaking from experience, trying to teach coping skills to a forty-something marginally OCD fellow with ADD is NOT easy, and it's well past the time when something should have been done. Fortunately, my parents helped me a lot mostly by making me deal with things. The fact that I also learn from my mistakes and realized that something was wrong helped, too. I hope your son is the same!