Old Friends who want nothing to do with you

[Bertha Venation]

In my late teens & twenties, I was really fucked up. I had three friends who saw me through -- one I've known since childhood, my oldest (and if she'd allow it, she'd be my dearest) friend. Her name is Christie. The others are Sandi and Virginia.

Virginia, I can't find.

I have gotten in touch with Sandi and Christie several times over the last ten years, Christie more often than Sandi. Each time I've gotten the brush off: "It's good to hear from you. 'Bye."

It's taken me a very long time to realize why: It's because I hurt them, although not intentionally. I was so desperately needy and took much from them, without giving back. I couldn't! -- and I'm sure they realized that at the time.

They want nothing to do with me because they probably can't imagine that I'm not the woman I was then. I know that at least one of them, Sandi, wants nothing to do with me because I am a lesbian. I used to be a fundy; she still is. I wonder if that's part of Christie's thing, too; I've felt since coming out that she too must be gay, but I have no way of knowing for sure.

I don't necessarily want to renew our relationships (although I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without Christie; I feel like part of me has been amputated because she is absent). I do want to tell each of them, "You helped to save me, so I could finally become healthy and whole. Thank you."

But if they don't want to hear it, there's nothing I can do. I'm trying to come to terms with this, and it hurts.

Before you reply: I'm just looking for people w/ similar experiences. No need to offer sympathy, or to say things like "it's their loss."

Thanks for reading.