Reply #37: A little tough love needed here....

[hinachan]

A few things bug me about this situation:

<<My daughter was running late to get to a college class and was pulled over by the Border Patrol in northern NY. She had ~1gr of cocaine in the car that the dog smelled when they searched the car, not sure why they searched it.>>

Border Patrol, as in US/Canadian border? Carrying coke from one country to another? When the authorities are hassling old people bringing prescription drugs here from Canada, it goes without saying that they're going to be searching like fiends for anything remotely resembling drugs.

The greater concern is whether she was driving under the influence of the cocaine. She could kill herself or another innocent person, and if you care about her safety (as you obviously do), you should be thankful that she was only booked, instead of killed. This could be the swift kick in the ass she needs, to straighten her up before she does kill herself (accident or overdose) or someone else.

<<I looked on google and it says that possession of from .5 to 2 grams is a mandatory 1 year sentence. Is there any way that they can lower the offense? If convicted she wouldn't even be able to finish college because she would no longer be eligible for any assistance.>>

She may be your daughter, and it's often hard for a mother to grasp this, but...she's not 5 years old anymore. She knows coke is illegal, and she knows the risks to her college assistance. She made her bed, she's got to lie awake in it, and anything you do to make it more comfortable is only going to make her think Mommy will bail her out of any mess. It's one thing to offer support, but do it on the condition that she straightens her ass up, as of yesterday. Because if you "enable" her this time, she'll just think she doesn't have to face adult responsibility, and she can just go around getting into trouble, secure in the knowledge that Mommy will bail her out. You don't want to turn your offspring into a self-destructive waste...and where drugs are concerned, that's the only possible outcome if it's not addressed now.

<<She 'says' she bought the stuff for a party she was at last Friday. If this is true then I doubt she is a daily user, she wouldn't have had any left.>>

How does this statement bug me? Let me count the ways:

* Your daughter is hanging with drug dealers and drug users, or she wouldn't have known where to get the coke. I'm totally clean, not into drugs, and I wouldn't have the first clue of where to get coke. Wanna know why? Because dealers know I won't line their wallets, and users think I'm a stick-in-the-mud bore. Nobody wants to "party" with someone who's clean. You are the company you keep, and she admits to knowing a drug dealer (whom she bought the stuff from) and drug users (people at the party). Therefore, she's into drugs--period. It's time to stop playing Cleopatra, Queen of Denial, and face this harsh reality.

* Whether she's a "daily user" or just using coke when she's at a party, she's still doing cocaine. Why you don't think occasional use is a problem is truly baffling to me. Because there's still the very real possibility of eventual addiction, not to mention what I've already pointed out, about how drugs can lead to an accident involving herself or someone else.

* You don't really know how much coke this girl bought or used, so you can't logically conclude whether she's a daily user or not. You wouldn't even know about this coke, if she hadn't been busted for having it in her car.

* Your reaction bothers me, too. I know you have the best of intentions, and you're worried about her...but I'm sorry to say, she knows this too, and she's manipulating you. (Alcoholics and dopers do this all the time.) She knows she's up to her eyeballs in deep shit, but by batting her eyes and playing innocent, Mommy will come to her rescue, because Mommy wants to believe her baby is innocent. A perfectly normal reaction, but one you've got to fight if you want what's best for her.

If you call the lawyer, etc., you're going to reinforce her belief that Mommy will make everything all right, no matter how badly she screws up. Tell her you support her and want to help her through treatment (which is going to have to last a LOT longer than just the Xmas break!). Then tell her that she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions: SHE has to call the lawyer, SHE has to ask the questions, SHE has to make arrangements for the treatment plan, SHE has to face the consequences of whatever happens with her college assistance. Coke parties won't look so cute if her powder-snorting peers get to stay in school, while she has to work the drive-thru at McDonald's for a couple years, to finish her schooling. Oh, yeah...and make darling daughter pay for the lawyer. If she can't afford the fee up front, don't fret...most criminal attorneys offer a payment plan. That's the most important part, because if you do ANY of this stuff for her, she'll think you're always that crutch she can rely on. Don't let it happen, for her sake.

As I've mentioned before on this board, I'm bipolar, so I've definitely screwed up, and even gotten into some legal trouble in the past (nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, because even before I was diagnosed, I knew that stuff would mess with my head too much). But I paid for my own lawyer, handled my own affairs, and generally took full responsibility, and I'm proud of myself for having done so. I didn't even tell my aunt about it until recently, because I knew she would have wanted to intervene, and I didn't want that to happen--I wanted to stand on my own two feet. She tells me now, she knew of a lawyer who would've represented me, which makes me all the more certain that I made the right choice. I know she was well-intentioned, as you are, but there are times when the road to hell truly is paved with good intentions. Throw a few roadblocks up on that road for your daughter--give her support, but no crutch.

It's tough to do, but that's why they call it "tough love". Your daughter needs that right now. Good luck....