Five years ago today my youngest brother was

[ikojo]

found dead in his apartment. He had not reported to work so his supervisor, knowing his past suicide attempt, called the manager of the apartment building where my brother lived. His supervisor was friends with the manager. The manager called the cops based upon what the supervisor said. The cops, with the supervisor walked into my brother's one room apartment and found him on his bed like he had just fallen asleep.

My brother had always struggled with self acceptance (as have I). He was gay and could not accept that part of himself, having been told that it was a sin. He so wanted spirituality but was of the opinion that his homosexuality meant that it was something he could not have. From childhood he compared our family and himself to others and we and he always came out on the bottom of that comparison. He could never accept himself and that lasted all of his life.

The only time he felt comfortable, he told me, was when he had a bit of alcohol in his system. Then he didn't think about his various anxieties. Like too many people with untreated mental illness he chose to self medicate using alcohol.

I think that what kept me from the same path, was moving down to St Louis and away from the stifling conservatism of central Illinois. St Louis isn't exactly a liberal bastion but OY VEY is it an improvement over anything found in central Illinois. I met activists who accepted me as I am..a child of working class USA. I was able to channel the intense anger I had in my 20s and 30s into political work.

When my brother was in an up mood he was one of the most kind and generous people to be found. I remember it was he who bought me my first game of Trivial Pursuit and sent it to me in the mail.

Jeff, I remember you. I miss you. I love you.

May you have found the peace in death and whatever follows that you never knew in your life on earth.

Jeff
1964-2001