OMG I feel so horrible today.

[Writer]

So much change this year, and so much oddity. Right now I'm running away from failure. I have a short story submitted for two different writing competitions, have a non-fiction book in the works, am applying for a job as well as a PhD program. It sounds good, but the pain in my chest at the moment indicates depression.

I need to finish my job app (what's the issue here, now?)but can't find the energy. Luckily I'm not desperate to find work, but it certainly would help Mr. Writer. Accordingly I am motivated as hell to do PhD work. Truly. Yet I am taking an incredible risk - I'm applying, mainly due to my geographic limitations, to only one program at the same university at which I completed my Master's work. That is risky, and some would say insane for those who know about this, but it is the only program accessible to me. The thought that this is all going to fail anyway (why the negativity, I ask myself) is slowing me down on writing my statement of purpose.

When depression flares up, like now, I am sluggish. It's hard to get moving. It's hard to consider the possibilities so that I give myself a chance. It's really not a worry for me, however. I've been dealing with this disease for twenty years, and am a pro by now. Yet it's like that bad relative that won't stop visiting no matter how often you tell him or her never to return.

Writer.