Meltdown. Tonight I held Harry to trim a claw - the same way I held Richard

[bertha katzenengel]

when he died on Saturday.

Richard liked to be held like a baby in a towel. A wet towel. He'd come into the bathroom after the water was turned off in the shower and he would beg to be wrapped in the wet towel. :) So cuddled, he made biscuits and purred like mad, the very image of the contented cat.

Since he loved it so, that's how I held him as the vet euthanized him. He hates to be at the vet so I wanted to calm him. He was calm. He was purring. And then he was gone.

Tonight I held Harry that way to trim a claw - it's the best way to hold Harry for that purpose. I looked down into his face and remembered looking into Richard's face as he died. I have played it over a million times since Saturday morning, but to hold Harry, his litter mate, and feel the warmth and weight in my arms again, and to see those eyes, made the memory more vivid.

It was the most amazing and precious and desperately heartbreaking event in my life, and I don't know if I'll ever get over it. I don't think I want to get over it.