Gin-Soaked Craig Kilborn Shows Up Broke, Homeless At SportsCenter Studio

[varkam]

BRISTOL, CT—Craig Kilborn, the former host of The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn, actor from the film The Benchwarmers, and SportsCenter anchor from 1993 to 1997, was spotted at 5:30 a.m. this morning broke, homeless, and passed out in front of ESPN's SportsCenter studios.

According to ESPN sources, Kilborn appeared even thinner and more frail than usual, reeked of cigarette smoke and gin, and his clothes—a moth-eaten dark suit that may have been the same one he wore in his last-ever SportsCenter appearance—were in tatters. Kilborn was reportedly only wearing one shoe at the time of his discovery.

Onlookers stated that, upon being woken up from his drunken stupor, the still-inebriated Kilborn asked to be shown to his "regular dressing room." The gangly, 6'5" former anchor then eluded security for long enough to stumble down the studio halls and blurt out random catchphrases from his broadcasting days at SportsCenter, including but not limited to "Gettin' giddy in the zone," "If it feels good, do it," and "The low angle spank!"

Craiggers is back, people," said Kilborn, whose signature gelled blond hair was described in a later police report as dank and lice-ridden. "Nothing to be afraid of, folks. This is just Kilby simply being Kilby. Release. Rotation. Splash."

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